My boyfriend doesn't support my weight loss goals
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I'm honestly a little surprised that some have been so quick to suggest ditching this man. The vast majority of us are here because we have struggled/are struggling with our weight, so I'd think as a group we'd be more sympathetic to what the boyfriend might be feeling. I know I've felt the insecurity and shame that comes with being overweight, so I find it difficult to write a stranger off as a lazy slob unworthy of his girlfriend's continued affection simply because he isn't ready to make his own changes.
I know the focus is on OP here, just don't see why we can't be sympathetic to both of their issues.
You are totally right which is why I took a 'talk about it first, but if it doesn't change move on" approach to my response. All your points are correct and the BF might be struggling with his own issues, but even in that case he shouldn't try and drag her down with him. In my case, my ex's negative health habits were part of a larger laissez faire approach to life that made us fundamentally incompatible. It doesn't mean it's wrong to have that approach to life, it was just wrong for me. One should ALWAYS try communicating and compromising first, but also understand that if that approach doesn't work your chance of the behavior changing is slim to non-existent. In the end we all have to make our own decisions about what we can and can't live with in our relationships.5 -
crooked_left_hook wrote: »I'm honestly a little surprised that some have been so quick to suggest ditching this man. The vast majority of us are here because we have struggled/are struggling with our weight, so I'd think as a group we'd be more sympathetic to what the boyfriend might be feeling. I know I've felt the insecurity and shame that comes with being overweight, so I find it difficult to write a stranger off as a lazy slob unworthy of his girlfriend's continued affection simply because he isn't ready to make his own changes.
I know the focus is on OP here, just don't see why we can't be sympathetic to both of their issues.
You are totally right which is why I took a 'talk about it first, but if it doesn't change move on" approach to my response. All your points are correct and the BF might be struggling with his own issues, but even in that case he shouldn't try and drag her down with him. In my case, my ex's negative health habits were part of a larger laissez faire approach to life that made us fundamentally incompatible. It doesn't mean it's wrong to have that approach to life, it was just wrong for me. One should ALWAYS try communicating and compromising first, but also understand that if that approach doesn't work your chance of the behavior changing is slim to non-existent. In the end we all have to make our own decisions about what we can and can't live with in our relationships.
Exactly.
I feel like my comment did seem a bit like: if he doesn't change, ditch him, but I just meant that OP can live her life and do her journey regardless of what he's doing. She just has to make sure that she isn't letting his attitude towards it affect her. What I worry about is if he becomes resentful of her choice to go on this journey and the healthier she gets the worse his comments might become. Hopefully this won't happen but if he's already picking holes in it now, and feels that that is appropriate, I don't think it would be best for the OP to ignore the signs and end up in a very bad place further down the line.2 -
He will be huge soon. You will be fit and more attractive. You will love him, but the prospects of mates on your level will pull at you until his heart is broken.
Just move on.
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crooked_left_hook wrote: »I'm honestly a little surprised that some have been so quick to suggest ditching this man. The vast majority of us are here because we have struggled/are struggling with our weight, so I'd think as a group we'd be more sympathetic to what the boyfriend might be feeling. I know I've felt the insecurity and shame that comes with being overweight, so I find it difficult to write a stranger off as a lazy slob unworthy of his girlfriend's continued affection simply because he isn't ready to make his own changes.
I know the focus is on OP here, just don't see why we can't be sympathetic to both of their issues.
You are totally right which is why I took a 'talk about it first, but if it doesn't change move on" approach to my response. All your points are correct and the BF might be struggling with his own issues, but even in that case he shouldn't try and drag her down with him. In my case, my ex's negative health habits were part of a larger laissez faire approach to life that made us fundamentally incompatible. It doesn't mean it's wrong to have that approach to life, it was just wrong for me. One should ALWAYS try communicating and compromising first, but also understand that if that approach doesn't work your chance of the behavior changing is slim to non-existent. In the end we all have to make our own decisions about what we can and can't live with in our relationships.
I absolutely agree and for what it's worth, my post wasn't in response to your comment or the one from glassofroses. I too had a similar issue with an ex, and like yours, the unhealthy dietary habits were only one piece of the incompatibility puzzle. If his unwillingness to change begins to impede her ability to succeed and/or resentment builds as a result of the changes she's making, I would absolutely suggest considering whether this relationship was right for either of them.
Early in the thread I saw a few comments that struck me as unkind considering the type of site we're on and I felt compelled to add my two cents!1 -
I've been married for more than half of my life, and I'll say this: health is a divisive topic, like religion and money and children. It's good to be on the same page for the long-run. Not a deal breaker unless you're literally opposites, but if you're arguing about this now, fast forward a dozen years. You're in the best shape of your life and he is___? You're out there coaching your kids' soccer games and he is___? You ask him to run to the store for fruit and milk and he comes back with___? And is that a big dealbreaker or just an annoyance? Not jumping on the "dump him" bandwagon, but you do need to know whether this is a minor thing or a big thing. It impacts how you raise your kids, where you go on vacations, even the friends you have.8
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My boyfriend and I broke up last month and I'm not going to lie, that was a huge part of why I didn't want to be with him anymore. He wants to eat junk and sit around and play video games all the time while I want to eat healthy and workout/be active. There are of course, a lot of other reasons for the break up, but I do know I want to be with someone who has somewhat similar goals/lifestyle as mine.1
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If he can't be at least kind and supportive of you he isn't worth your time. If it's on you, that you can't make the choices you want to make because you're around him then that's something you need to consider.
Otherwise I really don't mind being mindful and working on being healthy while my husband continues on his path. He's overweight but not obese, and I gently suggest we go for walks together and that's about it. I emphasize the quality time without electronics as why I want to do that together it's not about the exercise that's just a nice side effect. But he is always supportive of me cheering me on and encouraging me. A partner who can't at least be happy for you and supportive of your choices isn't a very thoughtful partner.2 -
You're conflating separate problems here.rachelagoodill wrote: »We've both put on weight in the 18 months we've been together and I'm trying to get back to what I was when we first started dating.
I love him the way he is and don't want him to change but since losing weight, I can see how unhealthy his lifestyle is and it's so difficult to stick to my diet around him.
That's not his problem, that's yours. You can't expect other people to change their lives to accommodate your current exercise and nutrition goals, beyond things like not bringing foods that you're violently allergic to into the house, or even eating them out of the house and then touching you without thorough cleaning of hands and mouth and anything else that touched the food.He also says I shouldn't be losing weight and life is to be enjoyed but I'm happier since I've given up junk food and started regular exercise.
I don't know what I can do.
This is his problem AND your problem. No one else has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn't do with your body, beyond expressing concern and making suggestions if they have sincere, hopefully fact-based reasons to think that you're jeopardizing your health.
Is this a constant barrage of unsolicited comments from him arguing against your choices about what to eat and when to exercise, or are these occasional responses from him when you say, "no, we can't eat there or anywhere else except at home ever and no, we can't watch a movie or go see friends or do anything else together any evening this week or any week because I have to go the gym"?
If it's the former, what you can do is decide whether he has other qualities that outweigh his desire to control your body (which often turns out to be a symptom of a desire to undermine your autonomy in all areas), or whether you should break up with him now.
If it's the latter, each of you will have to decide whether your partner's other sterling qualities outweigh the fact that your new devotion to nutrition and exercise don't mesh with his idea of an enjoyable life. Just because you want different things out of life doesn't mean either one of you is a bad person. But it might mean that together, you're not a good couple.
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Dump him.1
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MonkeyMel21 wrote: »jennifer_417 wrote: »You're bf's not being unsupportive, he's just being the same person he's been all along. It's not fair to expect him to change just because you are.
If he's telling her to not lose weight because he's happy with the way they are and thinks she should be too, then yes, he's being unsupportive.
Based on the length of the relationship, I also think they are probably moving out of the 'honeymoon phase' and into a the 'power struggle phase'. This is where the different partners shift away from being 100% focused on each other and start refocusing on their own interests. This is when fights and conflicts start happening because one partner pulls away a little and the other partner wants to hold on. In healthy relationships this is where learning communication and compromise happens and if you can master that skill, and learn to give each other space to explore individual interests, the couple gets through it. If your with the wrong person you either end the relationship or get stuck in this phase (which is zero fun). It sounds like the OP is trying pulling away a little to focus on her health and the BF might trying to keep that attention focused on him by not supporting her efforts. It's not the end of the world but how they handle the situation will be a predictor for how future conflicts will be handled.3 -
Sometimes paths diverge when people change. At times the paths can be parallel and sometimes they go in opposite directions. This is a good time to think about what you both value and have that conversation. It may be that he is threatened by the changes that you are making and is unsure that you will still love him after you lose weight. Are you serious about each other? Have you talked about having a future and a family together? These are some very grown up questions and are things that you both need to discuss.
The conversation could start out like this: "I love you and I want to discuss something with you. Are you afraid that if I lose weight that my feelings will change for you? Do you think I will love you any less?"
Don't use accusatory statements. Let him answer the questions. When he is finished speaking, then say something like this: "Good" (presuming it was a good conversation).
"Can I ask that you not xyz anymore? Because when you do, it makes me feel as if you don't support something that is important to me." (He will of course deny it - and that's okay.)
Say something like, "Okay. I can't help how it makes me feel and I can't change this path I am on, and I want you right there with me" (presuming that you do).
So, pretty much if he gets defensive or is a "kitten" about this - that is a danger sign.
This is a very nonthreatening conversation and if he can't handle it or it doesn't go down with a positive outcome or worse you don't feel comfortable having this conversation, he may not be the guy for you right now.3 -
Precaution is better than cure meaning what? I seen so many who are over weight and unhealthy. When someone gets to the point where their health suffers greatly and the doctor goes to them you need to lose weight otherwise you will have severe health issues. It's only then they come to realisation and become desperate for a quick fix. Don't get to that point, hence why I say precaution is better than cure. Your bf is a grown man, don't impose your ideas on to him but if he is trying to stop you achieving a good weight than that is a problem. He's probably insecure and knows if you lose weight other guys may make moves on you. How could you enjoy this life when you struggle to move around, develop apnea and other health issues? Foolish justification to not lose weight.0
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You do you. You don't pressure him to change or diet, so ask him to return the favor by not pressuring you to give up your goals.2
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OP, no one on these forums can give you solid advice, no one. There is no way anyone can know what your relationship is really like based one one paragraph from one person. I didn't read all those walls of texts, but the little I did read made me laugh. I find it funny how fat people and former fat people are so quick to make judgements about other people's lifestyles. Actually, a lot of what I did read just makes me sad that people can think the way they do about others. OP, you just have to figure it out on your own. None of this bloviation is helpful.3
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Tough situation. It's good that you realized that his lifestyle isn't yours. You don't have to change him, but you'll have to see if you can deal with it long term or not.
I do agree that people change and their lifestyles change as well. But it can take a VERY long time (it took me 15 years, just saying), and you alone can decide if you want to wait for him to change (unlikely), give up and be like him, or be yourself and have your own lifestyle.
You say that you don't want him to change... but clearly he wants you to, and he's done a pretty good job at making his lifestyle yours, apparently (as you've gained weight). You didn't say if you live together... I'm going to assume not. If so, I'd just try to find a compromise, and offer healthier options of things you can do together (go for walks, go hiking, go swimming, instead of watching Netflix and having pizza, for example). You also don't have to eat what he eats (besides, he's a man, and can probably eat more than you do). Order/make your own food. Offer to make tasty lower calorie meals (check skinnytaste - he won't be able to tell that it's lower calories) instead of eating out. It doesn't mean that you have to cut out junk though... maybe learn moderation instead of dealing in extremes.
But yeah, hard to give advice when we don't know what your situation is like. A lot of people gain weight when they start dating though...0 -
rachelagoodill wrote: »He also says [...] life is to be enjoyed
Yupp,
problem here seems to be two not entirely compatible definitions of "Joy".
First of all: Don't try to talk him out of his (presumably) unhealthy life-style, it will not work, it never does. Those changes only ever work if they come from ourselves and not if forced upon us.
As suggested by @Rogstar : Talk to each other, and listen to what the other has to say, the healing powers of honest conversation are astonishing at times.
If all else fails: In every partnership there is this moment when you'd have to ask yourself: "Do I want to live this way for the next times (the rest of my life)?" No matter which answer you will give yourself, draw the consequences and do this fast and clean.
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There's a lot of advice here that I didn't read but I just thought I'd add my two cent to the OP.
I know with new relationships I gain a lot of weight because I end up eating out with him a lot in the beginning. And guys not only have the ability to eat more calories, in general men need more calories. So if your calorie intake is around the same as his you're going to gain weight faster. You always have to keep that in mind when eating with your beau. He needs to eat more than you and you need to eat less then him. Period.
Junk food is an addiction and until he acknowledges that he's not going to be able to pull free from it. It's also what makes it difficult for you to be around it, because most likely you are hooked too. Unfortunately our food addictions are something we are constantly presented with no matter where we go. Weighing and portioning our junkie indulgences is crucial, meal planning and getting in the habit of making healthier choices when it comes to where we eat and what we eat will help combat that.
If him being supportive means eating like you want to eat, that's not being supportive, that's you being controlling of him. A man cannot and should not eat like a woman. IMHO that's not sexist - it's biological.
However a supportive partner will encourage you to stick to you calorie goals and go places to eat where you have sensible and healthy options. He will not flaunt junk in your face, but snack on that crud on his own time. And also you can eat out of the same bag of chips, just weigh out your portion, count it and don't eat more than that.
I cook healthy plant-strong dishes and my beau loves it when I cook for him, but some breakfasts I will make him eggs and toast and a bowl of oatmeal for myself. Or for dinner I will weigh out my dinner portion and give him two portions worth. He's bigger than me, more muscular than me and works out a lot more than me. We need to eat differently and we do our best to acknowledge and respect those differences.
To me my beau being supportive of my weight loss isn't about him changing the way he eats, but rather buying me a new dress or sexy lingerie as a gift every time I drop a dress size.
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You know, when I read these "no support from SO" threads I sense that they are mostly concerning younger couples. At my age (62) I have a somewhat different perspective after witnessing first hand (my parents) what "in sickness and in health till death do us part" really means at the end.
It's inevitable, no matter how well we maintain our health, that one of us will decline sooner or more quickly than the other and as we promised, we will care for them in whatever way they need. But it seems unfair, an abuse really, to our partner if we disable ourselves through lifelong neglect of our weight/health then just rely on our partner to suffer the consequences.4 -
lthames0810 wrote: »You know, when I read these "no support from SO" threads I sense that they are mostly concerning younger couples. At my age (62) I have a somewhat different perspective after witnessing first hand (my parents) what "in sickness and in health till death do us part" really means at the end.
It's inevitable, no matter how well we maintain our health, that one of us will decline sooner or more quickly than the other and as we promised, we will care for them in whatever way they need. But it seems unfair, an abuse really, to our partner if we disable ourselves through lifelong neglect of our weight/health then just rely on our partner to suffer the consequences.[/quote]
Well said. I want the ability to get off the toilet unaided until the day I die.2 -
Packerjohn wrote: »Well said. I want the ability to get off the toilet unaided until the day I die.
YES!!! A very worthy goal. I love it. I may steal it!
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Detritus_1965 wrote: »rachelagoodill wrote: »He also says [...] life is to be enjoyed
Yupp,
problem here seems to be two not entirely compatible definitions of "Joy".
First of all: Don't try to talk him out of his (presumably) unhealthy life-style, it will not work, it never does. Those changes only ever work if they come from ourselves and not if forced upon us.
As suggested by @Rogstar : Talk to each other, and listen to what the other has to say, the healing powers of honest conversation are astonishing at times.
If all else fails: In every partnership there is this moment when you'd have to ask yourself: "Do I want to live this way for the next times (the rest of my life)?" No matter which answer you will give yourself, draw the consequences and do this fast and clean.
Seconded. After a good talk and some time for him to make an adjustment on his own, reevaluate.
It may feel way to early for this, but I'll say it anyway: is this the man you want to be the father of your children (presuming one day you want children)? Are his habits (both food/activity/entertainment and the way he talks to/about you and supports--or undermines you) ones you want your children to emulate?
My husband is super skinny and always has been, but he always supports my decision to eat healthier and exercise and never says anything to me or in front of our kids about either, unless it's to compliment my hard work/achievement in some athletic endeavor. He is also always game to play outside with the kids, ride bikes, etc--he's not sucking them into a video game fest on the couch. He may prefer not to have broccoli with his curry, but he eats it without comment to be a good example for th kids.
Granted, my husbad should be up for sainthood (he never said anything about taking the boys every Saturday morning for months so I could race or do a long run, bless him), but I do cater to his food preferences too--I'll make him rotele and chips and cook meat most nights even though I'm vegetarian. It's give and take, but it should be both of you compromising together.1 -
That's a hard one girl... Sometimes it is because you start looking amazing and they get scared of losing you. Here's what I do... Keep your commitment to yourself and lose the weight but give him the extra attention and confirmation that he has nothing to fear, increase your effort to show him that he is important as well. Remember to stay true to yourself while reminding him he is always in your heart. Blessings to you friend0
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