This will be my success story or the story of my death, either way I'm doing it.

There's still an image in my head of the me I used to be. I see her sometimes when I look in the mirror are refuse to see reality. Enveloped by this gigantic mass (508 lb) is the me from 15 years ago: 135 lb, relatively okay with life, active, friendly, almost pain free. Then there was a trauma that nearly killed me followed by almost a decade of alcohol & drug abuse, wild weight fluctuations throughout but a definitely trend upward. The more weight I gained the safer I began to feel, like I saw (still see) my fat as a suit of armour. I got clean & sober lost a ton of weight (110 lb) and then the person I loved so dearly who helped me get clean & sober died. Relapse hit and I managed to stay off drugs and only drank briefly, but I discovered a new way to cope: binge eating. When I binge eat it has a lot of the same effects as drink & drugs, it's numbing. Specifically it numbs me through pain since I eat to the point of feeling physical pain and complete misery, enough to take my mind off my deeper pain and misery.

That stops now. Not one more time in my life will I intentionally eat to the point of pain. I know there's a lot of people who argue food itself isn't an addiction. I tend to agree. What I'm addicted to is the specific act of eating to the point of pain & misery. That's what I'm here to conquer and damn it if I can be sitting here 6 years clean, 4 years sober and still alive after the life I've lived then I can surely take control of this and promise myself that I won't harm myself this way even one more time. I'm done! It's over!

Title of my intro post here says what I'm feeling, that I'll either succeed at this or die in the process. My list of diagnoses has grown quite long for a woman just 30 years old: peripheral artery disease, fatty liver disease, left ventricular dysfunction, left ventricular hypertrophy, prediabetes, oedema, hypertension, coronary microvascular disease, sleep apnoea, hypothyroidism, arrhythmia (SVT episodes and PVC), hypertriglyceridaemia, and chronic pain in my back and neck that I can't treat effectively given my drug abuse history. I am high risk for stroke, embolism, sudden cardiac arrest, and there's not a day goes by I'm not thankful to see because I haven't for years now woken up fully expecting to survive the day or gone to sleep fully expecting to wake up again. There's a good chance that this and whatever else I end up writing here will be the story of my death, but I'd really love to make it to a point where I could look back on my life and say honestly 'wow, most of my life was good!' In order for that to happen I need to get fit and live at least another 30 years after that. So whatever happens here I truly hope I end up saving my life. If I don't then I will have died working hard to and that, I suppose, would suffice.


I sure wouldn't mind some company and friendship as I blow up the barriers I've put up over the years and try to end the 'fat curmudgeon' chapter of my life. So I'm open to talking to you, whoever you are, and getting to know you. Maybe we can help each other out somehow.

That's all. Peace.