Is your partner overweight?
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vespiquenn wrote: »I'm a little confused. You're upset that you have done this in the past, didn't follow through, and that he isn't jumping in with you because of this? You can't really blame the guy that he isn't taking it seriously if it has happened multiple times.
With that being said, lead by example. If you stick to it, he will possibly see results and feel motivated to do so himself. Maybe he won't. There's not much you can do aside from doing what you need to do for yourself. The red flag I see immediately is that you blame him for spoiling you, even in jest. You can still eat out, but in moderation. Look ahead at calorie content. Have a plan. But only you can control what you do.
My husband has always been fit. So I've always been on my own in weight loss. He's another that loves going out to eat. Sometimes multiple times a week. I just eat half and bring half home. What really helped, however, is that he was supportive in going to the gym. Now that may not be the case for everyone, but I probably wouldn't have gone if it hadn't been for him due to my anxiety.
From what I gather she isn't mad at him for that, she is scared for his health and her stress response is anger/frustration in situaions where scared/stressed/overwhelmed. It's kind of hard to explain to someone who responds to these things in a different way, but for me I am the same way.1 -
mccord62803 wrote: »WickAndArtoo wrote: »I really feel for you, trying to lose weight is hard enough as it is. My husband and I both gained the weight together and are now trying to lose together. When one of us falters on our journey the other tends to remind the other and it helps a lot, but sometimes we both fall off the wagon together (yum we love pizza and wings and not working out for weeks at a time).
It definitely sounds like he isn't being very nice by giving you a hard time when you eat healthy choices (go you by the way!!! Awesome restraint) but it definitely sounds like it's because he is used to you giving up. Maybe you could try adjusting how you lose your weight since obviously how you have done it in the past led you to burning out every time?
In the end you have to make your own choices and do it for yourself, but I bet he will follow suit if you truly are committed to it this time.. it just might take a longer time to convince him that you are in it for real.
I'm sure that's exactly it...he's expecting me to fail again. He's thinking "Ok, humor her for a couple weeks and then things will get back to normal." I can't blame him at all for that either.
He's not being mean about it. I just know him so I can tell by his voice and actions that he's disapproving. It's only with the food choices though. He's been telling me he's proud of me for walking every day and going with me on the weekends. That might have more to do with me having a back injury though.
I'm excited to say that I have changed how I'm doing things. Mostly just giving myself some forgiveness and slack but also making my goal weight more obtainable. I'll probably never be 125 lbs. Lol. I felt pretty good at 155 (wanted to lose some but still felt attractive and had more energy) so I've decided to make 140 my ultimate goal since that's the high end of a healthy weight for my height. I want to be at that goal in one year...as of this morning I'm 38 lbs away from it. Which isn't bad at all!
I used to only focus on the ultimate goal but now I'm celebrating each lb lost. I'm at 17 lbs lost and that's awesome. I'm also not beating myself up about it. I had Panda Express Saturday night. I'm planning on enjoying a falafel gyro this weekend. If I don't lose anything this weekend, oh well. If I gain a lb, well I'm still ahead in the long run. I can make small changes like salad instead of bread but I'm not going to deprive myself. That's how I've always failed.
So I'm hoping that my husband will notice that things are different this time.
Wow that is so awesome, nice work! It really sounds like you are committed
and you are treating yourself well which you deserve. I think if you talk to him nicely he will come around at least to you doing it... which is really all you can ask for. But I hope for his healths sake he will change his heart and join you. 0 -
LadyLilion wrote: »My husband is overweight too, but never as large as me. We married later in life - in our late 30's. In our whole marriage, I think I've weighed less than him once...I'd lost 100 lbs, he lost 50. We both gained almost 100% of it back and are starting over. We were both overweight when we met and when we married. I love him from his bald head to his gorilla belly and hairless legs. Best man I've ever known.
That said, he is on board with losing weight again. In fact, he may be more serious than I am as his blood sugar levels are in the diabetic range and it's scaring him. His father and sister are diabetic. But, he also has much more of a sweet tooth than I do - which is saying something. We've long joked that he thinks ice cream is it's own food group. I can stick a bag of chocolates up in the cupboard and forget them - when I want one, they'll be gone. Of the two of us, he's MUCH more likely to grab a snack when he's out and about. I'll go without food until I'm shaky rather that spend the money on fast food - but then I'm a cheapskate - which helps.
Really mccord I'd emphasis health over weight. He may be more fit, in that he can run a mile, but you said obesity runs in his family. Any heart disease? Diabetes? Stroke? Knee replacements? He wants to be there to see his grandkids, right? He doesn't want to take a scooter to his son's graduation, right? He wants the kids to be fit and healthy, right? Eating more healthily and getting more exercise NOW will greatly enhance his life later. You look really young in your photo. I'm 53 and my husband is 50. Believe me when I say, it's MUCH harder at our age to lose this weight.
Yes, it's only his health that I'm worried about. He was probably over 300 lbs when we met back when I was like 130 lbs and my friends wondered what I was doing with him. So it's not the actual weight, it's just his health. I'd even like him to keep some of it. Apparently I like beefy guys. Lol.
It's not something I ever worried about before but now that we have 3 kids and are getting older (I'm 33, he's 34), I'm starting to think about our health more. I want us to be good examples for our kids and be around for a long time.
His parents are both on disability because of diabetes. His dad has had a couple heart attacks and his mom has recently had at least 2 strokes. They are both diabetic.
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mccord62803 wrote: »If your dh were at a healthy weight right now and did not need to lose weight do you think it would be difficult for you to do what you need for you? Would you resent him eating different food if he was a healthy weight? Because he probably would always get to eat more than you even at a healthy weight.
If I were you I would talk to him only about not criticising your food choices in future. If you want a salad you are going to have a salad not bread. If he truly does not like the food you made then he can make or buy his own- no complaints or hurt feelings on either side.
No, it wouldn't upset me if he was at a healthy weight. The other times we've lost weight together, he was allowed much more calories than me and it didn't bother me. In fact, sometimes I would encourage him to eat more because he'd try to eat the same as me to lose weight faster.
It's only because of the fact that he's getting bigger and bigger. He's the heaviest he's ever been. It scares me and unfortunately when I'm stressed or sad about something my go to response is anger. So I find myself getting angry at him when I watch him overeat. Definitely my own issue that I need to work on.
Your original question was about the impact on your loss if he is not participating and resentment. I think you can see that it doesn't have to stop you.
It is valid to be concerned about a partner's health. If you are worried and scared I would have a calm serious talk with him about the health aspect of being overweight.
Ultimately it is something he needs to decide to do. Chances are that if he sees you being successful he will get serious too.0 -
mccord62803 wrote: »Luckily, I feel like he's more physically fit than I am even though he's so much more overweight than I am. I can't run for 60 seconds without feeling like I'm going to die but he once ran a mile just because I said he couldn't do it. He's ran in two 5Ks. He was a little smaller then but still over 320 lbs.
So it will probably be awhile until I surpass him in that department.
I'm going to have a gentle talk with him today. Lots of "we" instead of "you". I think I'll playfully make a bet about who can lose more (and keep it off) in the next year.
Can I suggest keeping your comments to the extent of "I love you and I'm worried about your health. The kids and I want you around for a very long time. Would you be willing to walk side by side with me and we work together to both get healthy so we can have each other for a very long time?"
My husband I recently walked this road and I can tell you that saying anything beyond "I'm worried I'm going to lose you because of your health" is going to leave scars that are VERY difficult to get past.4 -
Mine was chubby, but I was morbidly obese. I started losing first, and he was relatively supportive but not involved beyond getting a Fitbit for both of us. Then one day he decided to join MFP and get on the food weighing bandwagon. Together we have lost at least 175lbs.
Hopefully your hubby gets on board too, but for now just keep working on doing what you need to do for yourself.
My story.0 -
I lost weight. Hubby found it. He's trying a little, but I don't think he believes he can do it.
I'll just wait until he's ready. He waited for me. Hopefully it's before his health problems get worse.2 -
Nope. He's pretty fit and normal weight.1
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Just wanted to give a little update...
I was planning on talking to him about it last night but he surprised me by bringing it up himself. The first thing he said was that watching me weigh out a small portion of pasta the other night was the saddest thing ever. Lol. But I turned it around and just smiled and said that was why I ate a large salad before the pasta, so I could still enjoy some pasta without going over my calories. Then he said that he wanted to start eating better with me and that he always feels like he can do it when he watches me eat better.
I brought up maybe having a challenge on who could lose more (and keep it off) in one year and we shook on it. $100 to the winner. I have no chance of winning if he sticks with it but I hope he does.8 -
No. Used to be until she started ballroom dancing competitively and teaching Zumba.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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I stopped reading after a couple entries but I can tell you this: I've always dated guys who didn't care much about what they ate. All different sizes but never really health conscious with their eating habits.
My boyfriend now is of normal weight, and normal muscle structure. Not over or under, is what I mean.
His choices are not *always* healthy but he has no issues with overeating. Pretty much always maintaining and no food cravings. Rarely wants to eat out or junk food.
This is where my opinion comes in: It. is. just. as. hard. for me to try and make good choices even when he's making the right ones. It's all about your mentality and shouldn't have anything to do with someone else. It's been a little tough for me to accept that it's all just on me and to be responsible. Still not successful balancing my choices but I am trying.3 -
mccord62803 wrote: »Just wanted to give a little update...
I was planning on talking to him about it last night but he surprised me by bringing it up himself. The first thing he said was that watching me weigh out a small portion of pasta the other night was the saddest thing ever. Lol. But I turned it around and just smiled and said that was why I ate a large salad before the pasta, so I could still enjoy some pasta without going over my calories. Then he said that he wanted to start eating better with me and that he always feels like he can do it when he watches me eat better.
I brought up maybe having a challenge on who could lose more (and keep it off) in one year and we shook on it. $100 to the winner. I have no chance of winning if he sticks with it but I hope he does.
I love this! I am happy you guys talked about, the fact that he brought it up just shows how loving your relationship is please continue to keep us updated!
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My husband and I were both fit and thin when we met in our late teens. Once we got married and I had our first child we both started to pack on the pounds, me more so then him. Fast forward to now, I started eating better and keeping track of my calories and he's starting to follow suit. He's a stinker though, he only have about 35 or so pounds to lose and is only loosely counting his calorie intake and lifting weights and has lost almost as much weight as I have in half the time.1
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*looks over shoulder to make sure he isn't standing behind me*
Yes he's fat. He's in denial about it too. Well sort of. He knows he's bigger than he was in high school yet still spouts off his PRs from lifting in his football playing days, tries to tell me he's flexible enough to reach his toes from standing... Yet the man can't put on socks or shoes with anything close to ease. He has old injuries that only get WORSE with inactivity. I love him and I've committed to the team we have made but it does drive me crazy that he isn't more open to making an effort for himself. I'm still early in my own efforts and he's on board for the changes I need to make to our shared meals but beyond that he's either upping what he eats away from home or these small changes just aren't enough for him to be losing weight too.
I love his body as is, truthfully. I'm very attracted to a larger frame and love his strength. He can pick me right up! But I worry about our long term... What will it be like if he chooses to stay the same after I'm at my goal weight? I also worry about his health, especially his heart as we age. It concerns me. But all I can do and all you can do is keep offering opportunities to join in, make him feel welcome to join you but never pressure. It has to be his choice.1 -
My partner is not fat. He is ex military and can drink 482 beers without gaining any significant weight. We met by chance and he told me, point blank, that he's not interested in bigger guys. Fast forward a couple years and here we are. LOL. I will say that he is very supportive of my weight loss and has been a driving force in my renewed efforts to get the rest of my weight off.
I agree with what the poster above said. My choices are hard whether or not he's eating healthy or downing those 482 beers I mentioned. He encourages me a lot and will follow some of my eating habits but we also need different things. He's lactose intolerant while I love cheese. I can't eat a ton of carbs while bread is necessary with almost all of his meals. My exercise consists of walking and elliptical while he runs for miles, swims, and plays volleyball. At some point, we came to the realization that we do things differently and that's ok. He does support me but he also loves me despite "not being into big guys." We're both doing our thing and loving life together.
Your last post was great. He noticed you measuring out your pasta and it created motivation and change for him. That's what being partners is all about. My partner and I have influenced each other for the better in many ways but we still have our way of doing things and that's all to the good.
I hope your guy sticks to it but, if not, no harm in lovingly reminding him to take better care of his health every so often. My partner does it. Sometimes I don't want to listen and sometimes it's exactly what I needed to hear, but, either way, I love him and I know he's saying it because he loves me.
Just my two cents. 3 -
My husband is overweight, but still weighs less than me. I sometimes get annoyed that he has let himself get all doughy, but then realize how totally hypocritical that is. We were on the thinner side when we met, he was underweight and I was probably at the high end of healthy. I had mental health issues and packed on lots of weight shortly after we married. He started eating more and lifting weights getting pretty sexy in my opinion. He stopped for whatever reason a few years back and has lost most of his gains, but has kept the eating habits. I actually work out using his weights that he hasn't touched in years. I suppose it's nice that the squat rack is always free at my house, but I would not object to him lifting and shedding some fat.
I think his eating habits have kept me from doing silly unsustainable things in my diet. He gets all whiny if I don't make a hearty meat and potatoes meal for dinner or tell him I don't want snacks around. So, I get a delicious home cooked dinner every night, maybe eat out a couple nights a week, pick out my own snacks so I am not bothered by listening him rustle his gross cheese puff bag, and track everything. It's worked great for six months so far.
He has shown no interest in losing weight or fitness and I'm fine with that. I am curious how he's going to react when I start to weigh less than him, since he has always weighed less than me. 35 pounds to that point. He already asks me carry heavy stuff and do hard work around the yard for him. I'm glad he doesn't find my strength intimidating though I wouldn't mind him being a little less dramatic about yard work.3 -
mccord62803 wrote: »Just wanted to give a little update...
I was planning on talking to him about it last night but he surprised me by bringing it up himself. The first thing he said was that watching me weigh out a small portion of pasta the other night was the saddest thing ever. Lol. But I turned it around and just smiled and said that was why I ate a large salad before the pasta, so I could still enjoy some pasta without going over my calories. Then he said that he wanted to start eating better with me and that he always feels like he can do it when he watches me eat better.
I brought up maybe having a challenge on who could lose more (and keep it off) in one year and we shook on it. $100 to the winner. I have no chance of winning if he sticks with it but I hope he does.
LOVE. Keep communicating. You guys are doing great if you got this far. Many partners can't even get to this point. Best wishes to you both!1 -
ronjsteele1 wrote: »mccord62803 wrote: »Luckily, I feel like he's more physically fit than I am even though he's so much more overweight than I am. I can't run for 60 seconds without feeling like I'm going to die but he once ran a mile just because I said he couldn't do it. He's ran in two 5Ks. He was a little smaller then but still over 320 lbs.
So it will probably be awhile until I surpass him in that department.
I'm going to have a gentle talk with him today. Lots of "we" instead of "you". I think I'll playfully make a bet about who can lose more (and keep it off) in the next year.
Can I suggest keeping your comments to the extent of "I love you and I'm worried about your health. The kids and I want you around for a very long time. Would you be willing to walk side by side with me and we work together to both get healthy so we can have each other for a very long time?"
My husband I recently walked this road and I can tell you that saying anything beyond "I'm worried I'm going to lose you because of your health" is going to leave scars that are VERY difficult to get past.
This is all fairly similar to my situation. My man was heavy when we met and I gained over 50 pounds since then. We've both hindered each other in our own ways but we've since decided to work hard together.
He's far more active than I am, but food has always been our downfall, together. Luckily he has far more self control than I do once he sets his mind to something, lol.
Be kind, use gentle words, but just remember that your journey is your journey and his is his. Of course we want our partners to be healthy and it definitely makes it easier when they're with you, but like you said: you can't force him to do anything. What you do with that knowledge is up to you. Good luck to both of you!
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My spouse is trying to GAIN weight... you can only imagine how fun that is for us 0
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My husband has gastroparesis. He cannot gain weight though he would like to. He is trying to maintain his weight so he eats what he pleases within his diet guidelines. It makes him very sick. I have to keep myself in check because sometimes I want to eat more because I see him eating but again he is trying to maintain and I am trying to lose. We can't do as others do unless they are setting an example we want. I also try to make higher calories foods for my husband but eat less.
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