I think I have a Binge Eating disorder Please Help

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awkwardbae
awkwardbae Posts: 35 Member
edited May 2017 in Motivation and Support
Hello. I'm 20F, 153cm, 55-56 kg and I've been fat since I was a young child. So I can't say it was my own fault gaining all that weight. I'll try to explain my history a bit in order to be understood and maybe best advised by you.

I started gaining weight when I was around 4-5 years old. I've been fat since then. I hit my highest weight when I was 12 and being 80 kg (I was even shorter back then so imagine a human ball). When I was 14 I dropped down to 62 kg then had severe depression for 1 year and gained some back to 70 and then dropping down to 64 by the time I graduated highschool. I was going 60 to 64 kg, up and down, for a few years even though I WAS trying hard to lose weight, I wasn't eating that bad (trust me I know what a good diet looks like).

Last November I was in a very bad situation, with daily anxiety and panic attacks, almost no sleep and little to no food for about 2-3 weeks. I went from 64 to 58 kg. My anxiety has been reduced since then, and I had managed to get into a really good mood, working out daily, doing yoga and the cleanest diet ever. I went down to 54kg and build some muscle. But I was not happy because I'm short and I need to go down to 47-50 kg in order to look as I want to.

For a few weeks now, maybe a month or two, I find myself not being able to maintain my diet and I eat big amounts in little time like I can't control it. I also feel extremely tired all the time and don't sleep well. Like I'll wake up around 5 am (I have to be at work at 8) and I'll eat almost half or more of my daily calories (600) and then I won't eat anything until 1-2 pm when I am off work and because I'll be hungry and I've eaten most of my calories in the morning, I'll eat more than my daily calories allow, therefor I won't lose weight or I'll maybe gain some (Now I am back to 56kg).

I feel like the constant diets and the fear I have for sugary-carbs(y) foods make me have a love-hate relationship with them that makes me binge on them fast and then feel extremely bad about it.

I also feel like I'm never satisfied with a decent portion of food and that I need more, I feel hungry like my appetite is bigger. I don't know what to do, and the fact that summer is coming and I want to finally feel good and be in the best body I've ever been makes it all worse.

I don't know if it's a hormonal thing or a thyroid problem. I know I have pcos and I'm going to check my thyroid today, but I'm also afraid I might have Type 2 Diabetes since I get tired and sleepy when I eat food sometimes, my appetite is bigger and I generally feel like I got no energy on a daily basis.

I know the text is long, but after all those years I need some help, someone to advise me on what to do. I want to lose 5 kg until summer but I feel like I'll f up as I do daily, or that my body will just not drop the weight. Maybe I'm getting obsessed I don't know.

EDIT: My daily calories are 1200 (but I overeat maybe + 500 or maybe some days (worst days) 1000+ more)

Replies

  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
    edited May 2017
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    A few thoughts,

    1200 calories a day is really hard for most people to stick to. This goal is typically set for people trying to lose too aggressively for their overall goal. Eating more and losing slower may be something to think about if it means you can stick to it.

    You may have an ED, but alot of this sounds like things I struggle/d with and have been able to overcome. For me eating well comes down to planning. Keeping healthy options at hand and things I cant stop myself from munching uncontrollably out of reach. Pre-logging food can really help you set up a plan for the whole day, and logging before you eat forces you to think about what you are doing before you do it, instead of acting impulsively and beating yourself up about it later. Plan out 3 meals a day so you are eating regularly, it is really easy to overeat when you let yourself get super hungry by skipping meals.

    I used to desire to eat until I was overly full, I just craved that feeling. I have had to retrain my mind in alot of way to successfully lose and keep it off. Wanting to feel overly full is still something I struggle with, I have to tell myself no you have had enough some times. Some things I think I will just have to be diligent about forever.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    Your weight does not sound anywhere close as bad as you think it is, but in general your post indicates you need a therapist. Going through phases of stress and depression is no joke and a therapist can help you.
  • 2011rocket3touring
    2011rocket3touring Posts: 1,346 Member
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    aggelikik wrote: »
    Your weight does not sound anywhere close as bad as you think it is, but in general your post indicates you need a therapist. Going through phases of stress and depression is no joke and a therapist can help you.
    Agree. Your weight (in American) is about 123lbs which is nowhere near fat.
  • oocdc2
    oocdc2 Posts: 1,361 Member
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    We can support you, but we're just ordinary people on this forum. We can make suggestions about eating more regularly throughout the day, self-care, things like that, but we can't help what's causing it. Please find a nutritionist, a counselor, a twelve-step program--you're asking for help, go and get the best. Good luck.
  • ksharrell48
    ksharrell48 Posts: 171 Member
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    I can empathize, awkwardbae, as I've struggled with BED for 15+ years. I don't think I can add any greater advice than the above posters have already, as what they've stated (not going it alone, pre-planning meals, not starving yourself, re-training your mind are the key points) have helped me turn the corner. I see a health nutritionist once a month, a eating disorder specialist every two weeks (where we discuss my emotional eating as it relates to grief/depression) and occasionally visit a weekly eating disorders therapy group. Without this support, I'm sure my binges would be longer and more frequent. One thing I've found which specifically helps control my appetite is adding protein powder to my diet. It stops my cravings so I can eat and enjoy what I want, while controlling how much I eat. I'll add a serving into my morning coffee, after it cools down a bit, and before each of my three daily meals, I'll add another serving to a cup of a water/apple cider vinegar mix flavored with cinnamon. The protein powder blunts the tang of the ACV, whereas the powder in water alone tastes horrible to me - so this is a win-win for me:)
    I also keep track of how many days since my last binge and use that as motivation to keep the streak alive! I'm on my 19th day today. I've also accepted that I won't be "cured" of this disorder, but that doesn't mean I have to give into it so I fight it every day - never give up, awkwardbae, or anyone else struggling!
  • moonstroller
    moonstroller Posts: 210 Member
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    It doesn't appear to me you're binge eating because you're breakfast is about 600 calories and you're not saying that you're drastically overeating. You're only going over your daily calorie goal by 500 to 1,000, which isn't as bad as it sounds. Compared to how you've been eating in the recent past it may feel like you're binge eating, but your caloric intake isn't that extreme for someone your size and weight.

    I completely understand your love-hate relationship with the foods you love, but know are bad for your health, weight, self-esteem, etc., because I'm right there with you.

    I'm a 52 year old male standing 5'9", 176 cm I think is the conversion. When I was pushing 230 pounds, 104 kg, I could sit down for dinner and eat a large pizza, a family size bag of potato chips, a family size bag of Doritos, a package of Oreo cookies and a package of chocolate chip cookies, all washed down with a 12 pack of beer. Sometimes I would even rip through a full size bag of Smart Food to cap it all off. That's all in one sitting while watching TV. This is a dinner on top of a lunch that consisted of two cheese burgers, a large order of French fries, a 20 ounce Coke, and a large chocolate chip cookie. And that was on top of a breakfast that was a sausage and cheese English muffin sandwich with a full can of Pringles and an ice tea.

    I'm not using my own example trying to say "See...now this is binge eating," rather what I'm attempting to convey is that my opinion is it's all a matter of perspective. My greatest difficulty is fighting those habits that developed over years of over eating, and not allowing slips, when I grab a chocolate chip cookie or some chips, to derail my overall goal of getting toned and physically fit.

    My advice, and feel free to ignore it if you wish, would be to go to your physician and have your blood work done to see if you're having problems with your thyroid or there is some hormone imbalance. Beyond that, stick with your program and accept that some days you'll gain some weight, and others you'll drop the weight, but when you look at the big picture, say over the course of four months, you should see a steady decline in your weight.

    Are you doing any strenuous work outs that may account for your increased appetite?
  • awkwardbae
    awkwardbae Posts: 35 Member
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    I want to thank you all for your answers, I didn't expect so many responses. I meal-prepped this week but I still did binge, it's like I want to eat everything I didn't let myself to consume over those past months but I know it's wrong and I feel awful when I do it.

    I don't know how I feel about going to a psychiatrist or therapist or any specialist for that matter, because I feel like I'm not sure if it's legit binge eating or it's just my own fault and I put my big mouth first and my body second, I'm confused. Like I go to the therapist and I say what? Hey I eat a lot some times? I feel like they'll tell me I'm just a glutton (hopefully that's the right word, can't find an exact translation from my language)

    I want to try and fix it myself, like how did I go from a state of full control over what I eat and how I work out, total discipline, to just f'ing up everyday?! I want to punch myself.

    Now to answer your questions

    1. 56 kg might not seem too much for a person of normal height, but for a shorty like me (153cm) it shows, and I just want to become lean without belly fat and chubby thighs.
    2. 1200 is all I've ever known as a deficit that works for me, I feel like being my height any more than that would either be maintenance or fat-gain.
    3. That's the weird thing, my workouts are not burning many calories, I'd say extremely little since I do almost 0 cardio. A good day would include walking (30 mins to 2-3 hours) and a 40 min yoga video plus a 7min blogilates/glutes video. So it's mostly body-weight exercises and walking. I want to go to a gym but currently I have no money to invest in gym shoes/clothes and a membership. But in July I'm going back to my hometown where I'll be able to go to a gym for 2 months.

    It's just, I really want to lose more weight till Summer, and it makes me anxious that I overeat so much lately. I know you're just normal people like me, but since most of us go through similar things, what do you think a proper goal would be for me until July?
  • moonstroller
    moonstroller Posts: 210 Member
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    Are you over eating junk food, or still eating healthy food, just more then you want? You're hungry for a reason, but is it boredom, self-esteem, self-sabotage, anxiety, habit, or is your body craving more food because of the exercises you're doing?

    For some cardio why not get a jump rope?
  • RelCanonical
    RelCanonical Posts: 3,882 Member
    edited May 2017
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    @awkwardbae Therapy is NOT just for those who have "legit" disorders. I have been officially diagnosed with nothing, but therapy has been an extremely rewarding experience. Therapy is about helping you be happier with yourself, forgiving yourself, and making yourself a better person. Therapists are there to HELP you, not judge you. If you feel like they are judging you, find another therapist, that one sucks. They are there to help you meet your goals, not to pressure you into meeting theirs.

    I thought the same way you did in college. I was going to classes, doing my homework, generally functioning. Since I wasn't stuck on the couch eating food all day, I didn't think I had depression. I didn't think I had depression even though I had to avoid the walking bridge that went over the ravine at my school. I didn't think I was "bad enough" for therapy even though I felt like the only thing keeping me alive was my parents. Because I was going to class, I wasn't "bad enough". What the *kitten* was I thinking? DON'T BE ME. Do it now, and save yourself years of hating yourself.

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