Worried about what I am teaching my daughter

ChelzFit · May 2017

Throughout my early to mid twenties I suffered from bulimia. I also suffered with excessive exercise and restricting. I grew up in a normal household but was always on the bigger side, not huge just more curvy. I was teased all throughout highschool for being the bigger girl. So I took it to extremes. To this day I still deal with anxiety over food and I am pretty rigid about maintaining my weight, 135 at 5'7. I eat what I want when I want it, I exercise moderately (this part can be challenging) and I maintain my weight. I feel that I am able to maintain my weight though my measuring my food and eating in portions, which my husband thinks is unhealthy. I don't measure vegetables anymore, more just meats, cereal, fruits, butter/avocado. I have a 3 year old daughter and he worries that if I continue to weight/measure my food she is going to pick up some disordered eating habits, which I too worry about. When we go out of town, out to eat, etc. I never bother with weighing, I just choose what I want in moderation. He has never had any weight issues, he is pretty good about eating in moderation and never tends to gain weight. How do some of you explain your weighing/measuring to your kids in a healthy way? Do you consider it an unhealthy obsession?

Ironandwine69 · May 2017

I am worried about what I would teach my kid. I don't talk about calories or macros or muscle at home. I put healthy food on the table and try to teach him to be as active as possible. He is 6yo. He saw me weighing food the other night and asked me what was I doing. I told him the truth. When he asked why, I said "I'm just wondering".
A few days ago he asked me if patato chips are bad for you. I make a point to teach him how everything is okay in moderation. If it was up to me, and he didn't hear about "bad foods" from other kids at school, I wouldn't even have that conversation. Actions spqk louder than words. By giving an example of living a healthy lifestyle, I think we are doing our part.

moonstroller · May 2017

Tell her the truth. You've found what works for you to maintain your weight. I don't find this an unhealthy obsession, but the real question is do you?

debisjazz · May 2017

I have two daughters, age 12 and 13, and I worry about this too. One of my daughters makes very healthy food choices, has a high metabolism and is fairly active. The other has Hashimoto's, loves to eat carbs and little else, and she is curvy.
I worry a lot about the example I am setting for them, and we talk a lot about being healthier, having higher self esteem and lots of energy.
I believe that the way we talk about eating is as important as what we are eating.

YalithKBK · May 2017

I think it's a great way to introduce your kid to healthy eating at a young age. Explain what you're doing (measuring your food), explain why (to keep a healthy weight), explain that adults do this because they're not as energetic as kids. This can tie in wonderfully to discussions of picking good food choices (like how Sesame Street calls sweets a "sometimes food").

Measuring food and portion control is what this site is all about. You are maintaining a healthy weight, why would that be bad? I honestly wish my mom had known about/taught me all of this when I was little. I've been overweight most of my life because calories in/calories out was never discussed in my house growing up.

Ironandwine69 · May 2017

YalithKBK wrote: »

I think it's a great way to introduce your kid to healthy eating at a young age. Explain what you're doing (measuring your food), explain why (to keep a healthy weight), explain that adults do this because they're not as energetic as kids. This can tie in wonderfully to discussions of picking good food choices (like how Sesame Street calls sweets a "sometimes food").

Measuring food and portion control is what this site is all about. You are maintaining a healthy weight, why would that be bad? I honestly wish my mom had known about/taught me all of this when I was little. I've been overweight most of my life because calories in/calories out was never discussed in my house growing up.

Measuring food is not the only way to be in a healthy weight. It's the easiest way for people that can't do it any other way. Yet there's plenty of people in the world that maintain healthy weight without counting anything.

FreyasRebirth · May 2017

I've told my older son that I weigh myself and my food to be at a healthy weight. Maybe it could be linked to Goldilocks? Sometimes people get too big, sometimes people get too small. You count up how much you eat because you want to be 'just right'.

Hypsibius · May 2017

ChelzFit wrote: »

Throughout my early to mid twenties I suffered from bulimia. I also suffered with excessive exercise and restricting. I grew up in a normal household but was always on the bigger side, not huge just more curvy. I was teased all throughout highschool for being the bigger girl. So I took it to extremes. To this day I still deal with anxiety over food and I am pretty rigid about maintaining my weight, 135 at 5'7. I eat what I want when I want it, I exercise moderately (this part can be challenging) and I maintain my weight. I feel that I am able to maintain my weight though my measuring my food and eating in portions, which my husband thinks is unhealthy. I don't measure vegetables anymore, more just meats, cereal, fruits, butter/avocado. I have a 3 year old daughter and he worries that if I continue to weight/measure my food she is going to pick up some disordered eating habits, which I too worry about. When we go out of town, out to eat, etc. I never bother with weighing, I just choose what I want in moderation. He has never had any weight issues, he is pretty good about eating in moderation and never tends to gain weight. How do some of you explain your weighing/measuring to your kids in a healthy way? Do you consider it an unhealthy obsession?

Good post and good question.

Well for one, because you know the struggle of an eating disorder your relationship with food is different than many peoples (the same way a recovering alcoholic might struggle w/ moderation -- the difference of course is that you can't abstain from food).

I think more important than your kids seeing you weigh and measure food is how you, personally, discuss food and nutrition around them. It won't be healthy if they see you beating yourself up about "bad" foods or -- worse -- shame in a way that has a lasting affect on how they perceive food (someone close to me with a story similar to yours had a parent put them on "Weight Watchers" when she was 10 years old).

But this could be a good learning opportunity for them! Instead of them seeing this as something you are doing to restrict, explain to kids that the human body needs all kinds of foods -- meats (protein) for your muscles, carbs for energy to help you run and ride bikes, plenty of fruits and vegetables for vitamins and minerals -- and the occasional treat -- and that measuring helps you make sure your body gets the right amount of all of them.

Teaching kids about macros and digestion at a young age I think is a very healthy lesson! Just be careful it doesn't wade into "good" and "bad" foods, shaming behavior, or that they see you engage with food in a negative way (or one that transfers your own anxieties with food onto them).

Hope this is helpful!

deputy_randolph · May 2017

I weigh most of my food in front of the kids. I don't weigh their food. They are 8&6 and have never mentioned my food scales habits.

I don't generally don't talk about the amount of calories I've had during the day. I will talk openly about how much protein I've had. My kids have started to ask questions like, "how much protein does...so and so have?"

I don't think my food scale behavior is unhealthy, it's a strategy I use to keep myself on track and to promote my overall fitness goals. I really believe that how you interpret your behaviors will influence how your kids interpret your behaviors.

gamerbabe14 · May 2017

Coming from a family where my Mom and both older sisters are overweight, I myself being overweight most of my life (yet still being a D1 athlete), I wish I had had a parent like you who would've cooked me healthy meals, did exercise WITH me and talked to me about nutrition. It doesn't come across as obsessive to me. It's sensible and important for healthy living.

Running_and_Coffee · May 2017

It's amazing I don't have an eating disorder the way I was brought up--my parents suggested I try to stay under 100 pounds because "skinny girls are so cute," and being that thin (I'm 5'4) doesn't fit with my body type...I have made it a very important priority to raise children who are healthy, know what health and fitness "look like," and also feel positive about themselves and not judgmental of people who are heavier/skinnier than average.

With exercise I focus on the accomplishment and excitement that comes from being physically fit. I show them my race medals, they've been to my finish lines, and I talk about "challenges" from Orange Theory that I've done--not emphasizing winning so much as enjoying the process of bettering themselves.

With food I always talk about the health benefits of foods--I will explain that their dinner has carbs to give them energy, healthy fats to keep them full and protein to help them stay strong.

I DO weigh and measure my food and have explained to them that at my age (43), I can't eat as many foods as I used to be able to eat without gaining weight, so I have to measure my cereal out to make sure I'm not eating more than my body needs to maintain my size.

I make sure we really enjoy "splurges" at restaurants and on vacations, but when we're home, I explain that we can't just fill ourselves up on junk food because we need the foods that are healthier to grow (in their case) and for me and my husband to stay healthy.

I think this has been an effective approach. When I travel for work, my husband buys a lot of frozen dinners to make things easy, and recently m,y 14 year old said he feels better (more energetic) after eating what I cook than after one of those frozen dinners, even though they taste good. He actually asked me to buy more salmon and chicken and asked my husband if he could learn to cook it. He used to love that frozen lasagna!

Anyway, I feel pretty good about the message I'm sending out--and I also make a point to never let the kids hear those voices in my head that tell me I should be under 100 lbs...they are less noisy now than they used to be!

BusyRaeNOTBusty · May 2017

I've taught my kids that calories = energy, food = energy, and that I like to know how much energy I am consuming. I don't mention that I'm trying to lose weight. And I really do try to measure when they aren't looking.

I never say things like I hate my body (I don't, it's okay to want to improve even if you are happy with your body). I try to emphasize what our bodies can DO instead of what they look like. We also emphasize that what you look like isn't the most important thing about you. It's more important kind, nice, to try hard, use your brain, be considerate, etc.

snowflake954 · May 2017

Tell your husband and daugther that you're European. I live in Italy, we're on the metric system and we have a scale in the kitchen and weigh everything. Our receipes all go by weight, so it's natural. Our kids don't think anything about it--no complexes.

midlomel1971 · May 2017

I worry about this all the time. My daughter is 11 and reaching those important puberty years and I can tell she's paying closer attention to her body and what she eats. The other day she said something about the skin under her arms and I almost died. I stress to her over and over again that it's most important to be healthy and to love her body, but I know she overhears me complain about my body to my husband sometimes. I am not even aware that I'm doing it, so I try to be really more careful. It's difficult because on one hand, it's important to teach kids that being overweight is not healthy. But on the other hand, you don't want to make them neurotic over it either. So, I try to emphasize eating as healthy as possible 80% of the time and to let yourself have treats the other 20% of the time. And to love her body and treat it right...it's the only one she'll ever have. And that exercise is the best stress-reliever. The good news is that recently I've noticed her paying close attention to the healthier food choices I've been making.

yellingkimber · May 2017

Would your husband think it was disordered of you to use a measuring cup to follow a recipe? That's how I explain a food scale to people that think having one is insane. @snowflake954 has it right

When in doubt, Alton Brown.

newheavensearth · May 2017

IMHO, I don't think weighing or measuring food is a sign of disordered eating. Plenty of my family members including my husband feel that it is because weighing, measuring and counting calories is just something they never did, even when trying to control their weight.

I taught my son that food is ok and eating is ok, but there is a balance. His favorite donuts are ok, just not every day, and to eat when hungry and not in response to emotion. I also taught him that he is fine, healthy and acceptable as he is (he is slightly overweight, but very tall for his age). He's seen me measure portions, he's gone with me to Weight Watcher meetings, and occasionally asks about calories and Points, but only out of curiosity. I raised my adult daughter with the same attitude about food: moderation, no good vs bad foods, and that she is acceptable at any weight.

JessicaMcB · May 2017

I feel like these issues are so catch 22 as a mom. It's a struggle to determine how important it is to weight their self esteem versus the dangers of obesity.

I have three girls 4, 3 and soon to be 2- my oldest is rail thin and has a natural inclination towards vegetables and fruits and can stop after a bite or two of a treat (this mystifies the hell out of us because neither me or my husband have ever been that way, we assume it's because we didn't allow refined sugar until closer to 2?), our middle is thin and muscular compared to other little girls and this girl can RUN even though she is more of a cupcake worshipper than her sister....then there is the baby, who is first percentile for her height and one hundredth for her weight and if there is chocolate anywhere nearby she will sniff it out and demolish it.

I seriously worry about my beautiful youngest
girl because her sisters are small and, even though it will hopefully shift soon, she is very chunky. It's cute now (so cute, her thighs are almost as big as mine lol) but I don't want her going to school and being picked on, or growing up having a complex for being the heavy sister (the dynamic my sister had with me), or worse still develop health problems

. Our ped is addressing it now because he (thankfully) recognized she's rather big at her last check.

So as much as I don't want them to have a complex about my food behaviours I also want to shield them from the pain of obesity as well. I still struggle with figuring this OP, my mama heart goes out to you in striking the balance

Lounmoun · May 2017

I feel that I am able to maintain my weight though my measuring my food and eating in portions, which my husband thinks is unhealthy. I don't measure vegetables anymore, more just meats, cereal, fruits, butter/avocado. I have a 3 year old daughter and he worries that if I continue to weight/measure my food she is going to pick up some disordered eating habits, which I too worry about. When we go out of town, out to eat, etc. I never bother with weighing, I just choose what I want in moderation

It doesn't sound like you are obsessive just weighing certain calorie dense things. Awareness of portion sizes is not a bad thing to learn. It does not mean over-restricting or disordered eating.
I weigh my food in front of my teenage daughter. I don't weigh anyone else's food unless I am trying to divide something into exactly equal amounts. It hasn't impacted her eating habits.

LAWoman72 · May 2017

Yes, I worry, but OTOH if I wasn't able to intuitively eat and stay slim even at an early age, odds are my kids won't be able to either. Plus, they're tempted every day watching other kids stuff their pie holes continuously (lest the little darlings faint or fall into a hypoglycemic crisis), and seeing that everywhere does make it start to seem normal, no matter what Mom says. And yes, no matter what one teaches in the home, friends and the outside world have a bigger and bigger influence as the child gets older. They do keep needing our input to counteract what the world is telling and showing them.

Showing them how to enjoy but not become overweight, without placing judgments, doesn't seem like the road to an eating disorder to me. It just seems like common sense. We teach kids to rein it in and be sensible in other ways (limited TV time, limited electronics, do your homework before play, Daddy has one beer - not ten, we get a lot of what we want for Christmas but not every last expensive useless thing our impulsive little hearts desire, etc.), so why not food?

NewMeSM75 · May 2017

I feel like the best thing to prevent eating problems with your kids is teaching them healthy eating habits and talking to them. Make sure they know proper nutrition and not just a number on the scale or on a tag.

LAWoman72 · May 2017

Steph38878 wrote: »

I feel like the best thing to prevent eating problems with your kids is teaching them healthy eating habits and talking to them. Make sure they know proper nutrition and not just a number on the scale or on a tag.

This is sensible.

crazyycatladyy1 · May 2017

I don't understand why people think using a food scale is 'distorted'? It's a tool that measures/allows accuracy. It's like my husband using a level or tape measure for his job and me thinking it's distorted. It makes no sense. Op-tell your husband to throw away all his tools and then you'll ditch your food scale

As for your child-I have 3 kids and one of the most important things I can teach them is how CICO works. If my mom had taught me that, maybe I wouldn't have ended up overweight and a pre-diabetic. I have my food scale out on our counter at all times, (next to the toaster and coffee pot), and my kids see me use it, just like they see me use measuring spoons and cups when I make a recipe. These things are useful tools and when my kids are a bit older they'll learn how to use a food scale, just like they're already learning how to use measuring cups and spoons when we bake together. I've also already taught my older two how to read a nutrition label and we've had discussions about food choices and having balanced meals etc.

Maybe if more kids were taught these basics, there wouldn't be such a big obesity epidemic in adults.

animatorswearbras · May 2017

I think the weighing ingredients for a recipe is a good tactic and just normalises the scale as just a functional kitchen tool no different to a pan, I also think if you keep your language focused on I'm cooking to be healthy, rather than to be a certain weight that should be fine. I think it's okay to teach your kids about making nutritious choices and being active, just concentrate your language about the good it does their insides rather than their outsides. No different to brushing your teeth.

By the sounds of it you seem to be doing a pretty good job anyway, you don't deny treats and as long as you're mindful not to relate food to physical appearance I can't see their being too much of a problem. x

ritzvin · May 2017

Ironandwine69 wrote: »

YalithKBK wrote: »

I think it's a great way to introduce your kid to healthy eating at a young age. Explain what you're doing (measuring your food), explain why (to keep a healthy weight), explain that adults do this because they're not as energetic as kids. This can tie in wonderfully to discussions of picking good food choices (like how Sesame Street calls sweets a "sometimes food").

Measuring food and portion control is what this site is all about. You are maintaining a healthy weight, why would that be bad? I honestly wish my mom had known about/taught me all of this when I was little. I've been overweight most of my life because calories in/calories out was never discussed in my house growing up.

Measuring food is not the only way to be in a healthy weight. It's the easiest way for people that can't do it any other way. Yet there's plenty of people in the world that maintain healthy weight without counting anything.

Unless you almost completely cut out all of the easy calorie dense junk foods that are available everywhere here (that weren't in the past and may not be in other parts of the world) and always say no at parties, potlucks, etc - that can be pretty hard to do. - which might be seen as more disordered than just counting calories.

runningkel · May 2017

As a grown up daughter of a wonderful mom who always thought she was fat or was always watching her weight (a trait which I inherited)...I suggest you explain it in a way that doesn't mention weight at all. Keep healthier foods in the house and explain it in terms of health, energy, fuel for a workout, etc. Or maybe that you're weighing your food because you want to make sure you leave room in your tummy to have snacks or dessert later.

My nephew is a little over 2.5 and he mimics everything you do. If his dad doesn't eat vegetables, he won't eat them. If he sees mom eating sushi, then he'll try it, too. When I visit, we have bananas and eggs for breakfast because they give you energy so you can play outside and get muscles (then we flex our muscles). He also knows I run a lot, so I'll tell him I have to eat XYZ so I can go running. He's kind of young to actually understand fat/skinny/healthy, but he does seem to understand you need to eat your veggies/fruits to be able to play outside and get stronger. Maybe that's one way to "sell" the healthy eating to your daughter, make it about fun and playing and flexing your muscles (even if you don't have big ones, at that age they don't notice or care).

Someone mentioned above that measuring cups for cooking are fine, so scales should be, too. I agree! My friend has a 4 year old daughter who likes to help her cook. They eat super healthy and clean, and her daughter loves to help "chop" veggies, stir stuff, measure ingredients! They make it fun with different colors of carrots, cauliflower, etc, and her daughter gets to help pick ingredients. When they make a recipe, they talk about making sure everyone gets enough to eat, so they'll need 3 cups of X and 2 cups of Y. If you cook, maybe having her help in the kitchen would let her see that scales/cups are just a regular part of cooking. Even just watching you measure ingredients for a recipe would help her see the scale as a cooking tool instead of a weight management tool.

You say you're pretty rigid about maintaining your weight (which isn't necessarily a bad thing)... but maybe you talk about weight more than you realize? Maybe he's worried that focus will rub off and it's not just about the weighing of food? I mean, maybe it's not just the actual weighing of food but the whole view on weight/eating that he's thinking of and he just pointed out the scale as an example. Maybe not, just something to think about (I think sometimes we all talk about eating/dieting/exercise more than we think we do).

ChelzFit · May 2017

Thanks for all the great advice! My husband and I just have two totally different views of eating. He has always been able to eat what he wants, how much of it, and has never had to worry about weight gain. He is lucky in that sense. It has always been a struggle for me, so sometimes he doesn't quite get that for me to maintain this is what works for me. Bless his heart, I know he just doesn't want our daughter to have to go through what I did. I really agree with the concept of relating measuring to using a recipe as well as the older we get we have to watch our weight a little bit more.

kenyonhaff · May 2017

There's a lot going on here, but I'll also put out this: what you say to your kids are far less important than the behavior and attitude you DO.

StaciMarie1974 · May 2017

First your situation is 'different' than mine because your daughter is young and did not know you when you were overweight.

I have teen girls, 15 & 17. Both healthy weight for their height, though one is on the low end and one on the high end of that range. I was overweight from the time the 17 year old was born until 2014 when I reached a 'healthy weight' for the first time in over a decade. I've discussed my journey with them, pointing out that I had unhealthy habits before (inactive and eating more food than my body needed) and as a result had to work to lose the weight. And that I still track my intake to make sure I get what I need now. I do estimate/approximate more now than when I was losing though I still use the food scale on pretty much a daily basis.

My advice is to discuss food, etc. in an age appropriate way. Encourage your daughter to play and be active. Encourage her to eat a variety of food, to try new things. Never make an effort to limit the amount of food she eats unless there comes a point where her weight is a concern to the point of her pediatrician saying so. And let her know - again age appropriately - that you pay attention to what you eat so you can make sure you get enough nutrition, fuel your body for what it needs.

Both of my girls are a tad bit over 5' tall, one is about 100 and the other about 120. I worry about them. Not so much because of my example but because the world we live in, and how harsh it is on body image. I have a wifi smart scale, for my own use. In my device history, I see if someone else weighs in as it shows 'guest' and a weight. Which means when they check their weight from time to time, I call tell which one did because of hte #. So I'll also know if they seem to obsess over it (weighing constantly) or if it starts to change. I like that.

Penthesilea514 · May 2017

kenyonhaff wrote: »

There's a lot going on here, but I'll also put out this: what you say to your kids are far less important than the behavior and attitude you DO.

Yes to this. My mother suffered from eating disorders growing up and without too many details, it was how she interacted regarding body image, food, and nutrition that impacted me and my siblings the most. All of us struggle with our body image/weight/health into adulthood and it has been hard. I don't even have but a few pictures of my mother because she refused to be in pictures because she hates seeing herself. Actions really can speak louder than words.

Love yourself and your body and your daughter will know. There is a lot of good advice on this thread as well regarding how to talk about nutrition and measuring. Good luck, OP.

heiliskrimsli · May 2017

Has he suggested that you remove the fuel gauge and speedometer from the car so that the kid doesn't learn any bad habits when she's ready to start driving?

StaciMarie1974 · May 2017

heiliskrimsli wrote: »

Has he suggested that you remove the fuel gauge and speedometer from the car so that the kid doesn't learn any bad habits when she's ready to start driving?

We need to start a 'drive intuitively' craze!

Worried about what I am teaching my daughter

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