Dealing with cruel comments about weight

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curvygirly911
curvygirly911 Posts: 105 Member
in Motivation and Support
This is actually hard for me to write... But I really need to know. How do you deal with hurtful comments from loved ones?
My father has always been a crass jerk and has now taken it upon himself to let me know on a daily basis that I'm fat. For example, today I was in the same room as him and as I walked away he laughed out loud and said "'wow she's so fat". Or sometimes he will come into the room and just stare at my stomach and laugh and won't look away until I end up telling him off.
How do I respond? I can't move out yet so seeing him on a daily basis is inevitable. It hurts me so much and I want to lash out and shame him but I also want to avoid a fight.
He sees me going to the gym daily and trying but he's just very ignorant.
Thank you for reading and thanks in advance for your replies. I hope no one has gone through or goes through something similar but if so then your feedback would be helpful. I'm just sick of using cheap shots to shut him up and then going to bed in tears every night.
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Replies

  • kvmorris2135
    kvmorris2135 Posts: 1 Member
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    I used to go through this a lot too and honestly people are going to say what they want.
    I know it's easier said then done but take his insults and use them to motivate you to be the best you any way you want to be. If you're going to the gym everyday keep it up and wake up every morning with a purpose. If you do that then the things others say may be easier to roll off because YOU know you're working and doing the best you can everyday to be the best you.
    I know it hurts and im really sorry youre going through that I was a mess when I had to deal with it. But just remember you can tell anyone off any day of the week but you have to go to sleep with yourself at night. Take care of yourself, be healthy, and be secure in your purpose each day. This is not a phase that lasts forever so think forward and set small goals and love yourself at all the accomplishments.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
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    I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's abuse, and you shouldn't have to. What are your options for getting away from him? The only real solution is going to come when you have the power to live your own life away from his opinions. If it's not possible right now, you should be actively working for the day when it is.

    In the meantime, some of the coping strategies suggested are good. As an abused teenager, I found that writing a note in a neutral fashion every time something happened made me feel more in control of the situation. For example I would just note: 10 pm, AA which stood for *kitten* alert. Looking at it in this calm way as just a natural event in my environment made it less personal. You are not the cause of his being a jerk, any more than you are the cause of bad weather.

    Telling him off doesn't seem to be helping, and it additionally makes you feel bad, so try not to give in to the temptation. Is there anyone else you can call on for help, someone he respects such as his parents, a pastor, or a friend? It's a long shot and can be risky if he decides to be even meaner out of revenge for getting others involved, but if a parent is not truly abusive by nature but just thoughtlessly taking out their own issues, I have seen interventions work. The thing is, it has to be someone he truly respects - not someone he feels free to belittle or disregard.
  • Alpha12
    Alpha12 Posts: 251 Member
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    He's not going to change, so you have 2 options: ignore him and don't let his ignorant comments bother you, or find a way to move out. You father feels free to be verbally abusive to you because he thinks that you are at his mercy and totally dependent on him by living in his house. Prove him otherwise and move out, before he completely destroys your self esteem.
  • pedermj2002
    pedermj2002 Posts: 180 Member
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    I've thought about it a bit more since last night, and the options I listed above are way too verbose. Here's a better description of your options:
    1. Change him
    2. Don't change him
    3. Don't change how you react to him
    4. Change how you react to him

    The first one you really can't do reliably. You might get lucky enough to find a way, but planning on that as your strategy will (most likely) lead to a lot more heartbreak.

    The second option is super easy. Plan on that one being the one that happens. That leaves three and four.

    Technically, #3 is an option. It just sucks, but it *is* something you can do. It leaves you in a lot of pain and misery, but you can do it. I'd advise against it, since misery is no fun, but if that's your choice, then go for it.

    That leaves #4. It's a tough thing to do. Even when you know what you need to do to change, the tendency of the mind is to react to the external stimulus. Even if you have a plan, it can be tough to remember to execute that plan. The key here, though, is similar to the process for weight loss. It's important to know it, though, so please read this:

    Setbacks will happen. When they happen, be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that you are still a living being, deserving of respect and love. Think of the successes you've had so far, and use those to show you are improving.

    There will be days where you feel like you've failed in every possible way to do what you set out to do. You will have days where you just want to curl up under a blanket and stay there for the next three months. I know I've been there, and I suspect most other people have as well. It's okay to let yourself feel that way every so often. Just try to bring those thoughts back around to being gentle with yourself.

    That's why I recommend meditation. It helps to teach you so much about yourself, and teaches you how to let the hurt go.

    And feel free to add me if you wish. I'll offer whatever help and encouragement I can.

    You can do all of this. Life can be good.
  • kristyt3224
    kristyt3224 Posts: 3 Member
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    I chose to take the comedy way out when I got comments like those. I'd say something like, "Thanks, I work hard to keep up this fabulous figure!" Or "God gives most of you a body that's a temple, but he had to make a lucky few of us Tabernacles! Sucks for you." A tabernacle in my church is a beautiful conference center. They are big to hold a lot of people but are stunning! And there aren't that many of them. Eventually people backed off because they didn't get a rise out of me. I choose not to care what they think, I like me and I'm working hard on myself. And at the end of the day, my opinion is the only one that matters!
  • Leenizi129
    Leenizi129 Posts: 133 Member
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    That is horrible! Relatives can be the worse why?? I don't get it. I would just tell him to.please refrain from the negative comments and just smile and ignore the comments, walk away. I find when they loose their audience and only have the walls and an empty room to deal with they quickly loose their motovation, and you are not subjected to not have to listen. I would avoid being home when he is there, get a job, join something, volunteer, go for a walk etc. until you can move out. Keep busy and don't share anything about you and how great you are doing this way he has nothing.
  • robinhager3998
    robinhager3998 Posts: 45 Member
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    I'm so sorry this happened to you. My husband is thoughtless when it comes to my weight as well. We went to a Mother's Day breakfast today and even his ex wife was present. My daughter-in-law was telling us about a new shop that she liked. My husband blurted out for the whole table to hear "Do they have big girl sizes?". I was the only one at the table that wears above a size 10. People are just stupid and need to keep their mouths shut. I'm lucky that I mostly let stuff roll off of me like that, but it still can hurt. The best revenge is to not let them know they hurt you, and take really good care of yourself. Be proud that you are trying to improve yourself for the better!
  • ravenzwart
    ravenzwart Posts: 108 Member
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    Jezus, can't imagine that a family member would say such things, must be really hurtfull.

    Isn't anyone else living with you who can help you?

    I agree with option 4, try to change how you react to it. It maybe by humor, it maybe by ignoring or anything that feels good.
    I had to tell my parents (on a totally different subject but with same goal my mental health): if you keep doing this i have no choice other then to ignore you. With my dad it helped and with my mother it is hopeless. Offcourse because i am not living with them so it is easier.
    But like pedermj2002 said, you can only choose to change yourself, your dad has to want to change and doesn't sound like he is willing to.
  • GemstoneofHeart
    GemstoneofHeart Posts: 865 Member
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    I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I say run away, fast, and don't look back. That is abuse and no one deserves that-no matter who they are!
  • DietPrada
    DietPrada Posts: 1,171 Member
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    I'd take outright hostile comments over "I love you in spite of your weight" and other such passive aggressive BS. At least you have something to push back on with hostile comments. Tell him you might be fat, but he's ugly and you can lose weight. :P good luck. Move out as soon as you can.
  • curvygirly911
    curvygirly911 Posts: 105 Member
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    robinhager3998 wrote: »
    I'm so sorry this happened to you. My husband is thoughtless when it comes to my weight as well. We went to a Mother's Day breakfast today and even his ex wife was present. My daughter-in-law was telling us about a new shop that she liked. My husband blurted out for the whole table to hear "Do they have big girl sizes?". I was the only one at the table that wears above a size 10. People are just stupid and need to keep their mouths shut. I'm lucky that I mostly let stuff roll off of me like that, but it still can hurt. The best revenge is to not let them know they hurt you, and take really good care of yourself. Be proud that you are trying to improve yourself for the better!



    I'm so sorry that this happened to you as well!! I'm wondering if maybe you could be silent later when you are with him to indicate that you are upset and let him know that the comment was pretty stupid of him. Maybe showing you are hurt, wounded will make him feel embarrassed and regret it? Also happy Mothers Day!!!!
  • ravenzwart
    ravenzwart Posts: 108 Member
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    Curvygirl glad to hear you got some positive energy to deal with this abuse.
    Real sad the rest of the family is also treating you bad.
    But you are right in not accepting this. Keep looking to the mfp community for true support and motivation!

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