Dealing with cruel comments about weight
curvygirly911
Posts: 105 Member
This is actually hard for me to write... But I really need to know. How do you deal with hurtful comments from loved ones?
My father has always been a crass jerk and has now taken it upon himself to let me know on a daily basis that I'm fat. For example, today I was in the same room as him and as I walked away he laughed out loud and said "'wow she's so fat". Or sometimes he will come into the room and just stare at my stomach and laugh and won't look away until I end up telling him off.
How do I respond? I can't move out yet so seeing him on a daily basis is inevitable. It hurts me so much and I want to lash out and shame him but I also want to avoid a fight.
He sees me going to the gym daily and trying but he's just very ignorant.
Thank you for reading and thanks in advance for your replies. I hope no one has gone through or goes through something similar but if so then your feedback would be helpful. I'm just sick of using cheap shots to shut him up and then going to bed in tears every night.
My father has always been a crass jerk and has now taken it upon himself to let me know on a daily basis that I'm fat. For example, today I was in the same room as him and as I walked away he laughed out loud and said "'wow she's so fat". Or sometimes he will come into the room and just stare at my stomach and laugh and won't look away until I end up telling him off.
How do I respond? I can't move out yet so seeing him on a daily basis is inevitable. It hurts me so much and I want to lash out and shame him but I also want to avoid a fight.
He sees me going to the gym daily and trying but he's just very ignorant.
Thank you for reading and thanks in advance for your replies. I hope no one has gone through or goes through something similar but if so then your feedback would be helpful. I'm just sick of using cheap shots to shut him up and then going to bed in tears every night.
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Replies
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I'm so sorry. That is not acceptable behavior from him and it sounds like he has some issues and unfortunately unloading on you. Its abuse. I hope you can get out of there soon and around more balanced individuals.8
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You really only have a few options that I can see. Here's the list:
- Shut him up using any cheap shot you can.
- Every time he decides to be a jerk, tell him something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm working on improving, and your comments are not helping. Please stop."
- Get away from him every time he makes a comment.
- Get away from him permanently (i.e.: move out).
- Accept that he's a hateful *kitten*, and simply ignore him.
- Accept that he's a hateful *kitten*, and tell him that as long as he's going to be hateful, you're going to ignore him. Then do so. Every time he says or does something hateful.
- Accept that he's a hateful *kitten*, and be nice to him when he behaves this way. For instance, when he laughs, laugh *with* him (not at him), and tell him you're glad you can bring him joy by being overweight, and you're sorry that it won't last forever. And be sincere when you say that.
- Change the topic whenever he behaves this way. For instance, he starts laughing, and you start talking about some book you're reading, or movie you've seen, or something.
- Take up meditation. One of the major tenets of meditation (at least as practiced by Buddhists) is the ability to detach. To simply say "Yes, I'm upset" and then let it go. It really does work, too. It's not easy, but it does work. If you need a book to help you get started, I'd recommend "How to Meditate" by Pema Chodron. It helped me move forward, at least. And that could be enough for you.
I wish I had a better option for you, but those are all the ones I can think of. If the choice were entirely mine, I'd go with the meditation one. It'll help you out with a lot more than just him. And it'll help you be happier despite his attitudes and actions.23 -
I used to go through this a lot too and honestly people are going to say what they want.
I know it's easier said then done but take his insults and use them to motivate you to be the best you any way you want to be. If you're going to the gym everyday keep it up and wake up every morning with a purpose. If you do that then the things others say may be easier to roll off because YOU know you're working and doing the best you can everyday to be the best you.
I know it hurts and im really sorry youre going through that I was a mess when I had to deal with it. But just remember you can tell anyone off any day of the week but you have to go to sleep with yourself at night. Take care of yourself, be healthy, and be secure in your purpose each day. This is not a phase that lasts forever so think forward and set small goals and love yourself at all the accomplishments.2 -
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's abuse, and you shouldn't have to. What are your options for getting away from him? The only real solution is going to come when you have the power to live your own life away from his opinions. If it's not possible right now, you should be actively working for the day when it is.
In the meantime, some of the coping strategies suggested are good. As an abused teenager, I found that writing a note in a neutral fashion every time something happened made me feel more in control of the situation. For example I would just note: 10 pm, AA which stood for *kitten* alert. Looking at it in this calm way as just a natural event in my environment made it less personal. You are not the cause of his being a jerk, any more than you are the cause of bad weather.
Telling him off doesn't seem to be helping, and it additionally makes you feel bad, so try not to give in to the temptation. Is there anyone else you can call on for help, someone he respects such as his parents, a pastor, or a friend? It's a long shot and can be risky if he decides to be even meaner out of revenge for getting others involved, but if a parent is not truly abusive by nature but just thoughtlessly taking out their own issues, I have seen interventions work. The thing is, it has to be someone he truly respects - not someone he feels free to belittle or disregard.2 -
He's not going to change, so you have 2 options: ignore him and don't let his ignorant comments bother you, or find a way to move out. You father feels free to be verbally abusive to you because he thinks that you are at his mercy and totally dependent on him by living in his house. Prove him otherwise and move out, before he completely destroys your self esteem.2
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Move out and cut them off. Trust me it's much easier to live life without toxic family.11
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I've thought about it a bit more since last night, and the options I listed above are way too verbose. Here's a better description of your options:
- Change him
- Don't change him
- Don't change how you react to him
- Change how you react to him
The first one you really can't do reliably. You might get lucky enough to find a way, but planning on that as your strategy will (most likely) lead to a lot more heartbreak.
The second option is super easy. Plan on that one being the one that happens. That leaves three and four.
Technically, #3 is an option. It just sucks, but it *is* something you can do. It leaves you in a lot of pain and misery, but you can do it. I'd advise against it, since misery is no fun, but if that's your choice, then go for it.
That leaves #4. It's a tough thing to do. Even when you know what you need to do to change, the tendency of the mind is to react to the external stimulus. Even if you have a plan, it can be tough to remember to execute that plan. The key here, though, is similar to the process for weight loss. It's important to know it, though, so please read this:
Setbacks will happen. When they happen, be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that you are still a living being, deserving of respect and love. Think of the successes you've had so far, and use those to show you are improving.
There will be days where you feel like you've failed in every possible way to do what you set out to do. You will have days where you just want to curl up under a blanket and stay there for the next three months. I know I've been there, and I suspect most other people have as well. It's okay to let yourself feel that way every so often. Just try to bring those thoughts back around to being gentle with yourself.
That's why I recommend meditation. It helps to teach you so much about yourself, and teaches you how to let the hurt go.
And feel free to add me if you wish. I'll offer whatever help and encouragement I can.
You can do all of this. Life can be good.3 -
I chose to take the comedy way out when I got comments like those. I'd say something like, "Thanks, I work hard to keep up this fabulous figure!" Or "God gives most of you a body that's a temple, but he had to make a lucky few of us Tabernacles! Sucks for you." A tabernacle in my church is a beautiful conference center. They are big to hold a lot of people but are stunning! And there aren't that many of them. Eventually people backed off because they didn't get a rise out of me. I choose not to care what they think, I like me and I'm working hard on myself. And at the end of the day, my opinion is the only one that matters!0
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Realize there is something deeply wrong with your father not you. It is stupid and mean to tell you that you are fat every day and laugh at you. Your value as a human is not determined by your size. Treating people badly lowers your value.
I would ignore him and have a yeah, so what attitude. What he thinks or says does not matter. Do what is best for you.
Don't spend time at home or around him. Move out asap.6 -
That is horrible! Relatives can be the worse why?? I don't get it. I would just tell him to.please refrain from the negative comments and just smile and ignore the comments, walk away. I find when they loose their audience and only have the walls and an empty room to deal with they quickly loose their motovation, and you are not subjected to not have to listen. I would avoid being home when he is there, get a job, join something, volunteer, go for a walk etc. until you can move out. Keep busy and don't share anything about you and how great you are doing this way he has nothing.0
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. My husband is thoughtless when it comes to my weight as well. We went to a Mother's Day breakfast today and even his ex wife was present. My daughter-in-law was telling us about a new shop that she liked. My husband blurted out for the whole table to hear "Do they have big girl sizes?". I was the only one at the table that wears above a size 10. People are just stupid and need to keep their mouths shut. I'm lucky that I mostly let stuff roll off of me like that, but it still can hurt. The best revenge is to not let them know they hurt you, and take really good care of yourself. Be proud that you are trying to improve yourself for the better!
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Jezus, can't imagine that a family member would say such things, must be really hurtfull.
Isn't anyone else living with you who can help you?
I agree with option 4, try to change how you react to it. It maybe by humor, it maybe by ignoring or anything that feels good.
I had to tell my parents (on a totally different subject but with same goal my mental health): if you keep doing this i have no choice other then to ignore you. With my dad it helped and with my mother it is hopeless. Offcourse because i am not living with them so it is easier.
But like pedermj2002 said, you can only choose to change yourself, your dad has to want to change and doesn't sound like he is willing to.0 -
If it wasn't your weight, it would be something else. GTFO and don't look back.5
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I am so sorry you have to deal with that. I say run away, fast, and don't look back. That is abuse and no one deserves that-no matter who they are!0
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last time someone said something about me being fat I just told them,"well I can lose the weight theres no cure for being an A**hole"9
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"You're fat" "Well at least I'm not an ignorant, rude POS, so I guess that's something".8
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I'd take outright hostile comments over "I love you in spite of your weight" and other such passive aggressive BS. At least you have something to push back on with hostile comments. Tell him you might be fat, but he's ugly and you can lose weight. :P good luck. Move out as soon as you can.0
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I'm honestly having tears of happiness from all the kind, thoughtful, motivating comments. You people are so amazing! You could have told me to suck it up, or just told me why he's a jerk but your comments were honestly so helpful.
I've usually ignored it physically and then walked away and then cried in my room. I know that if I were to cry in front of him then he would be so mortified and embarrassed and feel like a real *kitten*. BUT the thing is that I'm human and I have pride and I won't let a jerk see me get hurt by them.
However, I've lately been just being quite rude back and just calling him an A-hole which is shocking ofcourse because I'm his daughter of all people. However, i'm gong to take your advice now and do the following
a) realize that i'm on my way to do better and be better for ME not for these jerks so I won't let them sabotage things. I used to think if I lost weight then I was doing it for THEM and that made me hesitant but now I know that it's for ME
b) like one other posted said, they will always be unhappy and that's true because when I was thin they were still complaining. Learn to live with their disappointment lol.
c) I think I'm going to approach this as if someone I respect is in the room and watching me. So I wouldn't swear because then I also lose points for stooping to his level. I think I have to shame him tactfully. So he likes to boast that he is really honorable and moral and that he prays every single morning. So next time I will just be like " Sorry dad, now I feel guilty because you calling me names has just cancelled out your prayers this morning". It will sound like I'm genuinely apologetic which will make him feel and look like the biggest POS alive. and just like another poster said when he realizes that it doesn't give me the reaction he wants then he might stop.
d) The funny thing is that this is his way to motivate me. They think that by making me feel ashamed that it will alarm me and I will really get on it. They don't realize that it will just make me defensive and feel spiteful to do anything more.
By the way- when I say "they" it's because my entire family is just like him. The only difference is that my mom and others will look at me with big doe eyes and say "omg you're huge!!!" and think that it's supposed to be an eye opener for me and that they are just sympathizing with me.
Thank you again times a million!! It's posters like this that make me remember why MFP is such an amazing community!!!!10 -
robinhager3998 wrote: »I'm so sorry this happened to you. My husband is thoughtless when it comes to my weight as well. We went to a Mother's Day breakfast today and even his ex wife was present. My daughter-in-law was telling us about a new shop that she liked. My husband blurted out for the whole table to hear "Do they have big girl sizes?". I was the only one at the table that wears above a size 10. People are just stupid and need to keep their mouths shut. I'm lucky that I mostly let stuff roll off of me like that, but it still can hurt. The best revenge is to not let them know they hurt you, and take really good care of yourself. Be proud that you are trying to improve yourself for the better!
I'm so sorry that this happened to you as well!! I'm wondering if maybe you could be silent later when you are with him to indicate that you are upset and let him know that the comment was pretty stupid of him. Maybe showing you are hurt, wounded will make him feel embarrassed and regret it? Also happy Mothers Day!!!!0 -
Curvygirl glad to hear you got some positive energy to deal with this abuse.
Real sad the rest of the family is also treating you bad.
But you are right in not accepting this. Keep looking to the mfp community for true support and motivation!0 -
I was thinking about this and even if your parent was telling you that you were skinny or looked great every day it would be creepy. It is creepy to pay that much attention to your daughter's body and comment on it daily.
People who are mean/abusive will often spin it as you being too sensitive or just trying to help you. That is bs. They are hurting you and know they are hurting you. It is not acceptable in society to tell people they look fat, bald, or old even family members. Their behavior is not normal.1 -
I used to get a lot of "are you sure you want to eat that!?" etc. from my family. Um, yes, I know I'm overweight, but I'm not just going to stop eating altogether?
I'm sorry I can't really help you, but I'll tell you this: by now I've moved out, I'm at a normal weight/BMI, and I'm probably the skinniest member of my family. Haha!
You'll get there! :-) 1 -
Your father? Your biological father says those things? I'm so sorry. I have three daughters and would never, ever, do something like that to them, not knowingly anyway. They are my reason for living most days along with my wife. I think the world of all of them. I think their well being, and their self image has always been foremost on my mind and I wouldn't care if they were overweight or not; I would never say hurtful things like that to them. I might offer to help them lose some weight if that's something they wanted to do, but never ever would I force them to diet or be hateful like that. I'm shocked.
If I were you I'd find a way to move out, and distance yourself from him. Being around someone like that is not healthy. Some people do not deserve children.10 -
I'm trying to get my head around a parent doing this to their child.
Does he talk to you at all? I'm wondering if it is his way of saying he is scared for your health. If he isn't one for holding a conversation then perhaps he doesn't know how to articulate his concerns.
I'm not excusing his behaviour just trying to understand how some one could do such a thing.2 -
My daughter has weight issues, but if anyone, no matter who, disrespected and humiliated her as your father is doing to you I would go ballistic. No one has the right to make anyone else feel bad about themselves and I am disgusted and shocked that your own father's behaviour is so appalling. Please don't let him take your self respect away, you can do something about your weight when the time is right for you. Your father is going to drive you away with his bad behaviour and he will end up a lonely, bitter old man!1
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I am sorry that you have had to go through this experience. I think there are a lot of good suggestions in this thread and I think it shows how great this community is. My advise to you is hold your head up high, be true to yourself, and don't let this define you because it doesn't. Sounds like you are ready to make changes in your life and that is the first step. I wish you all the best and stay strong!0
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RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »I'm trying to get my head around a parent doing this to their child.
Does he talk to you at all? I'm wondering if it is his way of saying he is scared for your health. If he isn't one for holding a conversation then perhaps he doesn't know how to articulate his concerns.
I'm not excusing his behaviour just trying to understand how some one could do such a thing.
I am as well. I can only conclude that some people are *kittens* and sadly there is not aptitude test for parenting. I honestly don't see how true concern for one's daughter could come out this way.1 -
curvygirly911--I read this whole thread. I'm so glad some people said things that helped you!
I applaud your positive attitude and wish you the best!
My husband and his family are mostly thin and talk about their weight all the time (not mine, though it's literally like the elephant in the room sometimes) and it makes me 10x more self conscious.
That said, now that I'm doing something about it, all that stands between me and a healthier me is time, given daily attention to all the factors.
It helps me to think that way!
Good luck to you...please post and let us know how you're doing!
Jean
Goal (for now): 180
Currently: 2371 -
Do we share a dad or something? When I'm already in a bad mood, I respond to my dad and am petty as all get-out... Most of the time I don't let his comments bother me for long. I figure I've been fat and awkward and made fun of for it for the majority of my life, and I'm no longer going to be a victim to someone else's unkind words and projected insecurity. I think of it like radical not giving a f***.
I'm sorry that your dad is being such a *kitten*. I know those comments can be really hurtful, especially coming from a parent who's supposed to love you unconditionally. I hope that whatever method you use to cope with this abuse, that it helps you rise above it so that you can become happier and achieve your goals.0 -
If he's a crass jerk then you know what you're dealing with, not that it makes his *kitten* behavior acceptable.
One thing I know about bullies is they have no backup plan. When you don't play his game you will bring him pain.
Take a big bum over a big mouth any day!!!
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