no motivation, it seems so useless....

badwolf1009
badwolf1009 Posts: 6 Member
edited November 18 in Introduce Yourself
How do you do it? How do you stay sane and motivated?

A few years ago I tried losing weight with MFP. For three months I ate 1400 or less, usually less trying to stick around 1200 - 1300. I exercised. I allowed myself 4 ounces of pepsi in the mornings because mornings are the worst for me and pepsi is my drug of choice. Apparently my great grandfather used to put pepsi in my bottles as a baby/toddler so its been in my system for almost 40 years. I remember being around 5 years old and getting angry at him because he bought diet pepsi instead and that stuff tasty nasty! Tough addiction to break for me. Anyway, I was miserable. I was irritable, always hungry, made my family hate me for 3 months. Wrote down everything I ate, didn't cheat. How much weight did I lose after 3 months of hell? 2 pounds. So not worth it, I gave up.

For the most part I've been ok with being overweight. I don't like it, but I accepted it a while back. I'm 5 foot 0 and 160 pounds. When I graduated from high school I was 104 pounds, in a size 4 and thought I was fat. I used to sob and pound on my hips and thighs in anger because I was so fat. I would give anything to be that "fat" again. I've had 3 c sections and 3 miscarriages then and I'm an emotional eater. I'm also an extremely picky eater. There's not much I like, especially veggies. I'll eat Ice burg lettuce, starting to eat some romaine as long as its not too dark. I've tried the darker stuff and spinach and stuff and its so bitter and nasty. You might as well go pick leaves off the trees outside and eat them, the taste is the same. I like tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, canned green beans (fresh and frozen taste so nasty to me), occasionally radishes, potatoes. Ummmm, that's about it for veggies. But they are really hard to eat sometimes, so is fruit. I like fruit, but don't eat much of it because the coldness really hurts my teeth. I have really bad and sensitive teeth from - you guessed it - drinking pepsi my entire life! I was up to just over one 2 liter a day at one point. So, I'll eat a basic salad, but its really hard to because of the coldness. Hard to eat something that hurts you. And its too hard to make 2 separate meals and watch the kids eat the things I wish I was eating. I hate fish and all seafood, can't even stand the smell. Don't like turkey, will sometimes eat chicken.

Also, I'm freezing all the time so its hard to eat something that makes you even colder when you're already cold. Which is why it's impossible for me to walk. I actually enjoy walking outside. But I live in the north when it's cold (to me) pretty much all year long. I grew up in the south where it was hot all the time. Now I live in the north and pretty much only go outside when I'm forced to like taking the kids to school and going grocery shopping once a week. It's 60 today. I tried to go out today but I didn't last 10 minutes outside before I was freezing and begging the kids to go back in the house. It's 71 in the house right now and I'm shivering. I'm wearing pants, socks, slippers, two sweaters and I'm thinking about grabbing a blanket. I like it best in the 90's. I don't like the cold breeze at all and we often have one here. I won't go out unless I have to unless it's in the 70's bare minimum. It's still usually in the 50s here. By the time it's warm enough for me to walk I won't be able to because the kids will be on summer break and it's too stressful to get them to go anywhere. We make it less than a minute down the road walking or them on bikes and they're all, "its too hot, I'm tired, I want to go home" The whining and the tears is too much for me to take and we go back home and I run for the pepsi because it's my stress relief and the only thing that keeps me for yelling at the kids.

The other day someone asked me if I was pregnant again. Now I'm miserable and wanting to lose weight again, I just don't see how its possible. I have no motivation and no one to help me. That day I decided I wasn't going to eat again until I lost weight. In years past the ONLY way I've lost weight was to not eat other than a very very small meal for dinner, that's it, no lunch or breakfast. But since my last baby when I had gestational diabetes that was controlled by diet, I haven't been able to not not eat. If I don't eat every so often I get very nauseous and feel like I'm going to puke. I get lightheaded and dizzy. How can I starve myself to loose weight if that happens now?? I tried to not eat but we went fast food for dinner that night because we didn't have time to eat at home because the kids had two different timed soccer practices and my husband can't get out early enough from work to eat before soccer. So we went out. I wasn't' going to eat and didn't order anything. But he went ahead and ordered me food and I'm so weak and I was so hungry that of course I ate it. Then the next day my mom bought me a candy bar and a sub and I ate that too and i don't usually eat candy. They don't and wont help me.
I'm pretty sure most of my weight is from the pepsi. I've been trying to eat more salad and I've cut down to 2 cans a day, but now I'm sleeping all the time. I cant stay awake past 9:30 and I always had trouble falling asleep and would often be up until 2 am. I'm also falling asleep during the middle of the day. I have even less energy than ever.

I also have a weird problem. For the last year now I've had uti symptoms all the time. But I always test negative for one. And this is weird - drinking straight water makes the symptoms worse. I know, its weird. Water should be fine, the best thing to drink. . But I've been keeping track. It's not so bad when I drink pepsi. Drinking pineapple juice actually makes the symptoms less, but drinking just plain water leaves me in tears. It hurts so bad to pee when I've been drinking water. How do I cut the pop out and drink only water when it makes it hurt?????

I know, I'm whining and sound stupid and you all can't stand me. It's just how I am and I'm so lost. I have no motivation at all, but I need to lose weight. Other than the weight and looking like I'm pregnant and weird uti symptoms I'm healthy. Blood pressure is on the low side, but cholesterol and everything looks great.

Replies

  • usmcmp
    usmcmp Posts: 21,219 Member
    You don't need motivation, you need a plan you can stick to. Stop trying to give up Pepsi and just make it fit your calories. That will mean you have to limit the amount you drink, but you don't have to give it up completely. Change your goal on here to lose 1 pound per week and try to eat protein at each meal. Make the changes sustainable.
  • brdnw
    brdnw Posts: 565 Member
    drink diet pepsi...i drank diet soda while losing weight without it adversely affecting me. I'm drinking coke zero right now.

    The most important part of losing weight is consistency. If you stick to it, for 2-3 weeks, and then you start to establish momentum. You wont lose weight in a day or two days, but after a week it will start to kick in.

    Just stay consistent. Eat lots of fruits / vegetables / lean proteins.

    You said you're 56lbs heavier than when you were in highschool, When i started I was 100lbs heavier exactly (185 vs 285). Focus small, focus on 1lb a week. If you eat well and move around a little bit, this should be very achieveable. Then do the same next week. Soon focus on weighing 155lbs and then eventually 150lbs before August. If you look at it in small steps, it will be much simpler to navigate.
  • brahan19
    brahan19 Posts: 6 Member
    edited May 2017
    Your post just made me feel I can actually do this. Not sure how this works if I can add people like face book. I'm five stone I overweight and hit a vicious circle of comfort eating leading to struggling to exercise and sleeping so much which of course isn't helped by not walking. Today I feel more motivated than I have for a long time and I've just been for a two mile walk with my dog. Does anybody know how to use this page as I am only used to face book.
  • tennetubbie
    tennetubbie Posts: 312 Member
    If it really hurts to pee you may want to read about PAINFUL BLADDER SYNDROME (PBS)--because if THIS is the reason then cranberry juice can make it worse! You have never had a documented UTI. PBS can wreak havoc!!

    Also is there any way to can do some weights--even in your house--you can use old Bleach bottles or laundry detergent bottles and fill with sand or water! Just to get your muscles working.

    And stay with us! Anytime of day--it you are about to sabotage your efforts--log on, and talk to someone there is always someone on! WE'RE HERE FOR YOU!!
  • Treece68
    Treece68 Posts: 780 Member
    I think you need to go see a doctor about the mysterious UTI. They can also recommend a nutritionist who can give you tips on how much you should eat to lose and what to eat.
  • ksumindysue
    ksumindysue Posts: 17 Member
    If you were legitimately eating 1300-1400 calories per day and not losing weight - there is something wrong. Sometimes we think we are eating a certain number of calories, but actually eat more. I would definitely suggest weighing food and making sure you have your portion sizes correct. Perhaps a dietician who can create an eating plan with you would be helpful. Starving yourself is not the answer - it will only result in deteriorated health, metabolism issues, and weight gain in the long run.

    As far as exercise - if you are that cold, layer some clothing before you go outside to walk, join a gym, buy a treadmill, or youtube exercises you can do at home -there are tons of free videos. Being cold easily cannot be an excuse not to be active.
  • badwolf1009
    badwolf1009 Posts: 6 Member
    I had my thyroid checked a few years ago and it was fine. I'm always cold. It says it's 71 in here (40 outside) but I'm all bundled up and freezing. Maybe I'll get it checked again. For the Uti I've tried cranberry juice, cranberry pills, and d-mannose. None of them helped at all :-( I do have fatigue, brain fog, major social anxiety. I've always said I wasn't depressed but maybe I am. The last 2 years have been very hard and stressful. I can't remember anything anymore, it worries me sometimes. I'll think of an item I need for grocery shopping and literally a minute later I can't remember it :-(


    Thanks everyone. I thought everyone on here would be hating me and calling me a baby. I was so scared to check back. I've been trying this week. I walked a mile a couple days ago but then got miserable when the app said it was only 87 calories burned. It's like, if walking a mile is only gonna burn 87 calories then whats the point? Thats only like half a can of pepsi.

    I've been trying to cut back on the pop, but still include it until I can completely ween myself off of it. I've been trying to stick to a can in the morning, but yesterday I had on at night as well. It's hard to do knowing that drinking it takes 150 calories away from my food. It's just so hard to quit though.....

    Yesterday and this morning were bad. Yesterday I had a can of pepsi in the morning, salad and a half cup of green beans for lunch. Half cup green beans for a snack. I was trying to save calories for the sloppy joes and chips and dip that I had previously scheduled for dinner ( I TRY to plan out dinners for a month ahead). But of course, what happens every friday (and often several times a week), is that husband came home and said how about fast food and the kids jumped on that. Then, if we don't get fast food the kids are mad at me and I can't take that stress. So, I got mad, went upstairs and cried and stayed there until they were done eating their fast food. Then I came down and cried when I smelled how good the food smelled. I was lightheaded and starving by then so I ate some tomato soup, 5 crackers, 12 chips and 2 tbls spoons of chip dip (which I love but rarely allow myself to eat). Then I was stressed so I had that second can of pepsi and later a granola bar for a snack. Not exactly the healthiest meals. And I was lightheaded yesterday. And then this morning he went to mcdonalds for breakfast. I ate a sausage muffin no egg or cheese, but that's like 400 calories!! I really need to find stuff that I can eat thats not junk like this.

    I need to figure out what to eat that will leave me feeling fuller longer. I'm tired of salad already. I'm going to try to eat it still, but just looking at it makes me sad. I'm going to look at the vegetables when i get groceries and see if theres something else I can try to find to eat. Maybe a bag of frozen mixed veggies??? My mom hates vegetables and eats a lot of junk so I didn't grow up eating healthy stuff.

    We have a treadmill in the basement at my inlaws house. I'm going to see if I can get that over here to use on the cold days, which is most of the year. Can't join a gym - have social anxiety, no money to join, and no one to watch the kids.

    I hate diet pepsi, but I'll give Max a try, never had it. Can't stand coffee. I like sweetened ice tea, and keep trying to find a hot tea to drink, but haven't found a flavor I like yet and I've tried several.

    I wish I could afford therapy honestly. The last couple years have been horrible and now my weight is actually bothering me when before I was mostly ok with it. I'm turning 40 in a few months so that's got me down as well. I have no family left that I actually speak to other than my mom - one of those bad things in the last year. No friends because I'm a major introvert, very shy, and socially stupid. I'm a stay at home mom. My husband and I are having issues and he just wants fast food all the time! I usually get salad from mcdonalds when we get fast food ( I don't use dressing). But salads are getting so old. He won't help me, the kids won't help me . They are very picky eaters even worse than me even though I've tried to get them to eat the things I won't. I have no support and no one to talk to.
  • livingleanlivingclean
    livingleanlivingclean Posts: 11,751 Member
    Quick question: Have you had your Thyroid checked? I have unexplained weight gain, extreme fatigue, brain fog, anxiety, depression... all are signs of a thyroid issue. a simple blood test and I found out I have Hashimoto's disease. The thing that caught my notice was your sensitivity to cold (also a symptom). Side note: try cranberry juice to combat uti, if you haven't already.... Hope any of this helps! Hang in there!

    Thyroid issues was my thought too, especially when you went in to so much depth about feeling cold, and being fatigued, OP.

    You can lose weight eating your limited diet. You can lose weight drinking your Pepsi. Can you talk to your husband and mum about how you're feeling and ask them to support you? Try to introduce vegies where you can - I love roasted/grilled vegies like zucchini, pumpkin, mushrooms, tomato, onion, broccoli/brussel sprouts, Beetroot, carrot, potato....pretty much anything! Do you like eggs? Omelettes are a great way to get decent amounts of protein, and vegies. They are also quick easy to make.
  • try2again
    try2again Posts: 3,562 Member
    edited May 2017
    If it really hurts to pee you may want to read about PAINFUL BLADDER SYNDROME (PBS)--because if THIS is the reason then cranberry juice can make it worse! You have never had a documented UTI. PBS can wreak havoc!!

    Also is there any way to can do some weights--even in your house--you can use old Bleach bottles or laundry detergent bottles and fill with sand or water! Just to get your muscles working.

    And stay with us! Anytime of day--it you are about to sabotage your efforts--log on, and talk to someone there is always someone on! WE'RE HERE FOR YOU!!

    This is also known as interstitial cystitis (IC) and your symptoms fit it exactly. Sadly, it's not a happy thing, but it can be helped through dietary changes.
  • Sara2652
    Sara2652 Posts: 158 Member
    I'm a coca-cola lady myself. Was raised on the stuff and switched to diet in college and I'm desperate to get off the stuff. I've quite smoking cold turkey long ago but I can't seem to quite this stuff.

    I agree with others get a thyroid test (I have Hashimotos) and simply do a small reduction in what you are already eating.

    You sound just like my ex when it comes to food and the cold. Can you do chili,pasta sauce,soups? stuff that you can sneak veggies into without being overpowered by the flavor or texture.I'm worried about malnutrition for you. Maybe take a multi vitamin.

    Best of Luck!
  • badwolf1009
    badwolf1009 Posts: 6 Member
    Are there any things that have a lot of protein but few calories? I don't really like eggs. I'll eat them in an extremely well done omelet about 2-4 times a year, but it has to have a ton of sausage or ham to cover out the taste of the eggs, and a ton of cheese to drown the taste of the meat :-) Which is a ton of calories I'm sure. I did try making some scrambled eggs with a little cheese and tiny ham the other day but only ate half of it. I didn't like the taste or the texture of it. It made me nauseous for several hours. I'll keep trying, maybe I can learn to like it. I did used to eat scrambled eggs as a kid, but haven't eaten them in like 25 years.

    I'm finding it hard to arrange the food so that I'm not hungry all day. I'm scared to eat until dinner because I never know how many calories I'm going to eat then. Yesterday was a bad day and I went 500 over! I was just so hungry yesterday and then we ate out because I didn't have a chance to make dinner (really busy day running everywhere). Not the healthiest day. I had a can of pepsi and ham and scalloped potatoes for breaskfast. Skipped lunch. And then had a horrible dinner of chicken pasta and 2 pieces of garlic cheese bread from Mancinos and a large pop from there. I'm not exactly sure how many calories I had with that meal since I can't find their nutrition info anywhere so I had to guess based on other restaurants. So, I could be more than 500 over :-(

    I've been trying to add veggies. I made a quick veggie soup the other day. Wasn't very good at all but I ate it. I can do chili and pasta sauce. I sometimes take a vitamin when I can actually remember to.

    Today for breakfast I had pepsi and a half ham sandwich (one piece of bread and one serving of deli ham) with ketchup. I probably shouldnt be eating deli ham, but I'm still trying to figure out what to eat. Then I just had a cup of cantelope for lunch. I'm still hungry. I've got to eliminate the pepsi. I'm down to 1-2 cans of day but finding it hard to take the next step down to just one a day.

    Is it possible to gain weight when you start a diet? My pants are tighter than they've been in 13 years! I've been roughly the same weigh for almost 14 years. Now my pants are tighter eating less calories :-(

    I'm also worried about what's going to happen later if I do lose the weight. If I start eating more than 1200 calories (which I'm starving on), will I put the weight back on? I can't do this for the rest of my life! I'm making my family hate me because I'm so irritable all the time.

    It's bad because I'm such an impatient person. I hate waiting for anything. I know it took me 14 years to put the weight on, but I want to see it gone NOW lol. It's my childrens fault :-) I was 120 before I had my oldest.

  • tbudro
    tbudro Posts: 27 Member
    It's possible you're not eating ENOUGH food... your body will store away fat, if it feels like it's starving.
    I started my journey last year in June. January a friend began coaching me... I've lost 88 pounds. Google "Macro Diets". I started out eating 2400 calories, lost 7 lbs in the forst 2 weeks eating 2400 calories. The goal is to jump start your metabolism and stabilize it... keep it running at full speed with the right foods. Over time you gradually drop your numbers/caloric intake. It worked for me! I'm now eating 1600 and still losing! I know that feeling of disgust, tired of trying and failing, getting looks from people... just don't give up on yourself. Seek therapy and an accountability partner or coach.
    I'm rooting for you!!
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
    @badwolf1009 it's not their fault. They didn't put the food there. And honestly? You are gaining weight because you are not really on a diet. Estimating Chicken 250-350 calories, pasta is 200 calories per cup and when you order from a restaurant it's usually 3 or more cups, pasta sauce IF it's marinara is average of 70 calories per half cup and I assume there was a minimum of a cup of it, garlic cheese bread is going to run you like 400 calories or more depending on if it is a small slice or a large amount and a "large" pop I will estimate 24oz is 300 calories. That is about 1740 calories just for dinner - if the garlic bread was small, there was only 1 cup worth of sauce and it was not a cheese sauce and there was no cheese on the pasta etc. If any of those assumptions are wrong the one meal could have been over 2000 calories. That would be okay RARELY, but it won't work out multiple times per week. You need a food scale and you need to either stop eating out or eat out at places that have calories listed AND plan ahead! You can eat at burger king, mcdonalds, etc if you look at their nutrition facts beforehand and pre-log your food.
  • Verity1111
    Verity1111 Posts: 3,309 Member
    edited May 2017
    Also, it is not useless and I don't hate you. BUT whine all you want - and do something about it! Stop making excuses and blaming your husband, mom, kids, etc. Put your food down (I meant foot down and it was a typo, but that works too...) and tell your husband you will NOT eat fast food and you would appreciate it if he would stop needing it every Friday or every day, whichever it is! Or tell him he can go out to eat or take the kids out so you don't need to be around it.... OR ask him to order from places that have the calories listed. Any of those would work! You are capable! I have been where you are and I am way ahead of that place now and in a much better spot.... keep trying! Once you get the motivation and see results, it will likely help you feel better and push you to keep going. :)
  • dhustead83
    dhustead83 Posts: 2 Member
    I think you should try an antidepressant.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    Honestly, you are not going to like this, but I think you should probably cold turkey the Pepsi. I had a long term addiction to Coca-cola and that was the only thing that worked for me: just cut it out. Quitting just about killed me - my husband still drinks it by the gallon even though it has ruined his teeth and his esophagus, and even the sound of him opening it was a trigger. But after two weeks, it was like magic, I no longer craved it, and all my other cravings normalized as well.

    Drinking that much sugar creates a cascade of cravings for me - I want chips or French fries to balance out the sweetness, then I want bacon and red meat to go with the chips and French fries. Cut out the coke and everything else sorts itself as if by magic. You may be different. But if you are really desperate, why not give it a try? Dieting is so much easier when you don't drink several bottles of 140 empty calories a day.

    Have you tried roasted vegetables? Just a little spray oil and some time in the oven and you can make sweet potato fries, green beans, zucchini, onions, all kinds of vegetables. It sounds as if you may be what's called a super taster, which means you have an extra receptor for tasting bitter flavors. Many super tasters find most vegetables too bitter. As far as protein and low calories, chicken breast is good. If you stir fry a big batch you can keep it in the fridge to add to whatever meal you need. Pork tenderloin is also low calorie, and you can cook one and then slice it for lunch meat.
  • petercoologeorgen
    petercoologeorgen Posts: 5 Member
    I'm going to be 64 in a couple of weeks. I'm overweight and concerned that my next OV the doctor will find more problems. I currently take a statin and a BP pill. I've been hovering at the same weight for a couple of years after losing 30lbs. I experience a few days of inspiration, then I fall back to old habits. I seem to be an emotional eater with boredom or nervousness triggering my hunger. When I'm active, I usually succeed.
    There are many good suggestions above for you to attempt. Don't stop trying or you'll find that aging can defeat you by slowing your metabolism and body pains increasing. Don't give up but do enjoy each day that you awaken.
  • LyssaJ1
    LyssaJ1 Posts: 240 Member
    I had my thyroid checked a few years ago and it was fine.

    I wish I could afford therapy honestly. The last couple years have been horrible and now my weight is actually bothering me when before I was mostly ok with it. I'm turning 40 in a few months so that's got me down as well. I have no family left that I actually speak to other than my mom - one of those bad things in the last year. No friends because I'm a major introvert, very shy, and socially stupid. I'm a stay at home mom. My husband and I are having issues and he just wants fast food all the time! I usually get salad from mcdonalds when we get fast food ( I don't use dressing). But salads are getting so old. He won't help me, the kids won't help me . They are very picky eaters even worse than me even though I've tried to get them to eat the things I won't. I have no support and no one to talk to.

    Regarding thyroid: Within a two month period of time, I went from having an "okay" thyroid to hypothyroid. I was put on Synthroid for it and will be on it for the rest of my life. I hate meds, but I had being sick *more*.

    Regarding therapy: check with local colleges and/or social services to see if anyone will work with you on a sliding scale, or see you at no-cost. 'Dear Abby' and similar advice columns suggest that every time a person says they can't afford counseling or therapy.

    Regarding your family: talk to your husband and try to get him to work with you...and together you *both* need to teach your kids how to eat healthier, otherwise you're keeping them in the same cycle you were raised in. You want *better* for your kids and husband...you are all on the same team, so hopefully they will step-up. Even if they *don't* step-up, do this for *you*...find more nutritional options, do your best to find the good in everything...be honest, but don't look for failure, otherwise it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. *Believe in YOU*, be good to you. You get this life, make the most of it...be healthy, be happy and *never give up*. We can do this and you *can* do this too!
  • HippySkoppy
    HippySkoppy Posts: 725 Member
    OP - There are solutions to each and every one of the situations you have talked about which you feel is blocking you from losing weight.

    Honestly the 1st place I would start is getting some real effective dialogue going with your Gp. Be as detailed and honest about what you are experiencing as your physical symptoms and mental state are really putting a Hell of a strain on you. You might find you are Hypothyroid and fixing this is transformative. You may also be suffering with depression and that you would benefit from medication. Be your own best advocate.

    If you have had gestational diabetes then you may be at higher risk of developing Type 2 as a result. Talk to your Dr about how much you are drinking see what they say but honestly the calories you are drinking every day must be shoving out foods that have far better nutritional value.

    With your sensitive teeth have you been to the dentist lately? Pain on eating is not normal but there are products that can help. Also have you thought about taking salads out of the fridge so they don't hurt, same with fruit let them come up to room temperature before eating.

    Making such big life changes such as weight loss requires strength and commitment on your behalf if you weren't so overwhelmed with the physical/emotional issues then maybe you can find the motivation you desire.

    I wish you well.



  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 34,598 Member
    Are there any things that have a lot of protein but few calories?

    For this specific point, take a look at this thread:

    Carbs and Fats are cheap. Here's a Guide to getting your PROTEIN's worth. Fiber also...

    It links to a spreadsheet that lists foods by their protein efficiency - most protein for fewest calories. Scroll through the list, find things you like, eat more of them.
  • badwolf1009
    badwolf1009 Posts: 6 Member
    For the record, I was only joking about it being the kids fault! I don't blame them at all, but I was thinner before I had them :-)
    As for the pasta, I only ate a half cup of it so I know there wasn't 1700 in the amount I ate, but I get what you're saying!! I've been trying to only go to places that list the calories.
    I'm also not gaining weight. I've been maintaining my weight for 14 years now. I just can't lose weight. I just thought it was odd that I'm starving myself now eating and drinking far less then I was and my pants are tighter than they've even been. It's weird.
    I can't do this anymore. I'm miserable. I've stopped walking even though I enjoy it because I kept getting painful blisters on my feet from my crappy cheap shoes and I can't afford to buy new ones. I'm tired of being hungry. I'm tired that I can't have a tea party with my 4 year old anymore because we have real iced tea (sweetened of course because it tastes nasty otherwise) and real crackers and stuff with it and that doesn't fit into my calories. If I eat and drink with her then I can't eat lunch or breakfast. Tea parties with her are something special that she'll remember and now I can't do that because I'm afraid I won't lose weight.
    I'm scared to eat anything now. I pretty much don't eat until dinner to make sure I have enough for it. Last night we had pizza, today he ran to get KFC. I haven't had anything to eat today. I'm miserable. I want to cry. But now, even though I want to eat I also want to lose weight but I want to eat and I'm tired of being conflicted. The only reason I'm trying to lose weight is because a stupid woman I only see once a month if that asked me if I was pregnant again. I was mostly fine being overweight before. I only want to lose weight because I'm embarrassed that I've gained so much weight since high school. And honestly, I hated all the people that I graduated with. Why should I care what they say or think about me!?!? We weren't friends anyway!!! If I were to move away from everyone I know I wouldn't care what my weight was. The last time I went to the doctor I was very healthy, just fat. I just don't think I want to be miserable anymore in order to be a size 0 and have people accept me and not think I'm gross for being fat.

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