Advice from women in a relationship with an individual attracted to "BBWs"
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Sgt_Pepper33
Posts: 194 Member
I am an on and off member of myfitnesspal. Sometimes I get really into it and other times I lose focus and motivation and stop for too long. But my question today is about dealing with a significant other who is attracted to heavier women. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now (Not long for many people; but for me...I can usually only tolerate romantic relationships 3-6 months before I end it). This is my first healthy relationship where I am truly in love and know I am loved, where I can be my complete self and share all my feelings and thoughts (no matter how strange anyone else has found them), where I finally feel like I can ask for what I need and talk through problems.
My boyfriend is attracted only to larger women. He always has been. We have talked a lot about this from the start. I need to lose weight for myself; I cannot stay unhealthy for anyone or get healthy for anyone..this is all for me. He has told me that he wants me to be happy, and that he will support me no matter what. But I am still worried. I have seen his attraction to larger women and his disregard for thinner women. I am afraid that if/when I lose the weight, he would lose his attraction for me...something would change and we would be over. I know what you are thinking: "If he truly loves you and is 'the one' it won't matter and he will stay with you through everything." I tell myself this. If it came to that, I would not want to be with someone who broke up with me due to my appearance in any way. I know I need to do this.
So, I know it sounds like I know the answer and that I will do what's right for me no matter what. But I guess I am just looking for advice or for the stories from other women who have faced this. How it turned out for them. How they stayed confident in themselves. The process. Etc... Please, no rude or degrading comments. Just looking for kind advice. I am very in love with this man. We have a healthy relationship. He has never tried to make me gain weight or those other things you hear in some situations like this. But this problem weighs heavily on my mind (no pun intended).
My boyfriend is attracted only to larger women. He always has been. We have talked a lot about this from the start. I need to lose weight for myself; I cannot stay unhealthy for anyone or get healthy for anyone..this is all for me. He has told me that he wants me to be happy, and that he will support me no matter what. But I am still worried. I have seen his attraction to larger women and his disregard for thinner women. I am afraid that if/when I lose the weight, he would lose his attraction for me...something would change and we would be over. I know what you are thinking: "If he truly loves you and is 'the one' it won't matter and he will stay with you through everything." I tell myself this. If it came to that, I would not want to be with someone who broke up with me due to my appearance in any way. I know I need to do this.
So, I know it sounds like I know the answer and that I will do what's right for me no matter what. But I guess I am just looking for advice or for the stories from other women who have faced this. How it turned out for them. How they stayed confident in themselves. The process. Etc... Please, no rude or degrading comments. Just looking for kind advice. I am very in love with this man. We have a healthy relationship. He has never tried to make me gain weight or those other things you hear in some situations like this. But this problem weighs heavily on my mind (no pun intended).
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Replies
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You are more than your size. If he can't handle that, then it's on him.6
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »You are more than your size. If he can't handle that, then it's on him.
Amen! You should make yourself happy above all else. You owe him absolutely nothing, especially not your health or the satisfaction/confidence you will get from potentially loving your body just a little bit more. You do you and if he leaves that's on him.3 -
If he truly loves you he will want you to be the healthiest you can be.
I wish you all the best on your journey and the strength to see it through.0 -
To me, people who claim to *only* be attracted to XYZ just scream immature.
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Unfortunately you cannot stop doing positive things for you out of fear of losing someone. If he chooses to leave you than it will be upsetting and sad for you to lose someone you have fallen in love with, but you have no control over his actions, you only have control over your own and you need to do what makes you happy in regards to your body.2
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@newmeadow Yes, we have talked about this from the beginning. He has always known I want to lose weight. He is not shallow or a jerk, just like you said. I am attracted to geeky skinny guys which is what he is. So I could be called shallow too I suppose. But I would be with him if he gained weight. I know I will do this for me regardless. I guess I was just looking for people who have experienced this; just to hear success or even failure stories...just hear how their experience went.3
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Did you tell him when you first started getting close to him that it was your intention to get smaller? If you didn't, you should have. Then he would have gone into this with what he needed to make an informed decision.
If getting smaller is strictly for you and you know that he doesn't find smaller to be attractive, then you're running the risk of choosing a smaller sized body over your man (eventually) if you succeed with your goal. Or possibly he'll stay with you anyway, and just wish you were bigger like you were before. Without knowing him or having an honest talk with him, it's impossible to know.
It's an adult choice, but one you have to make and no one can really help you with it.
He was upfront about what he finds attractive and he has the right to pursue his own interests that way, without being diminished by being called shallow, callous, jerky or disloyal. I have a feeling we'll see a lot of that directed at him in this thread, if this conversation continues.
When I met my husband I was sexually attracted to him as a fit young ripped man. It is what I am still sexually attracted to
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Cross that bridge when you get to it. You're not going to lose all your weight overnight, it will be a gradual change, like the story about boiling frogs so slowly they don't notice. His taste may evolve with your changing body. Or, you may lose a lot of weight but never reach a point where it becomes an issue. Or any number of other possible outcomes.4
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I haven't been in this situation, but if I were you, I wouldn't worry about it. If your partner has assured you that he wants you to be happy and healthy then you need to listen to him, trust him, and believe him.
Look at it in reverse. If you were thin and suddenly put on a few pounds would you constantly be worried about him leaving you then? It's irrational. Looks change through the years whether you gain or lose or not. It's a part of life.
Yes, we all have things we are attracted to, but I would like to think that relationships are built on much more than physical attraction.2 -
I have been married 30 years. My husband would tell you he is not attracted to BBW but he loves me. I have been at least mid overweight BMI as long as I have known him and had a BMI around 33 for the last 15 years or so. Not morbidly obese, but obese non the less after the kids came. Never has he been unsupportive or did I ever worry he may be looking elsewhere.
We change over time. He has gone from a lean, lanky fellow to a dad's body. I want to get down to a healthy BMI and increase my endurance. If he comes with me great. If not OK. Neither one of us married strictly for our looks. We love the person the other is and our relationship has developed over the years with both of us wanting to be dependent on the other for many of our needs.
Relationships can survive changes - physical, money, location, kid stress - but if I came to not respect the man I married it would all change. Be honest. Ride it out and see how it goes.2 -
I understand what you are saying and I've been there to some extent. When I started the process of getting healthy, while there was no discussion I knew my SO was attracted to larger women but I didn't see that ending things. But I was able to get through it (of course since then he has tried several times to get back in my graces - never gonna happen). My rebound also seemed to like me at the weight that I was at the time his services were needed, this was during my weight loss but he knew me at my heaviest. He did have some words to share though they meant nothing to me. Fast forward to my current situation, he is definitely attracted to women on the smaller side and while I am happy with my weight and size, I also know that life can happen and it might bring some pounds with it so who knows what might happen.
I would say, do what you need to do for yourself. At one point I had someone in my life who was getting a little bigger than I tend to prefer, but at one point I looked at him and thought I would love him with one arm and no head
Be you, trust in yourself, and surround yourself with others that love you as you are.1 -
Have you asked him how he will feel if you get down to your goal weight? To me it just sounds like you guys may need to sit down and talk about it (if your serious about your goal)0
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Keep in mind, that men are typically very visual creatures....I know I am.
And while I don't expect the person that I am with to look like they belong on the pages of a magazine (not really into that lean)....I also don't want her to be "bigger".
I want someone who has a healthy body and pays attention to said body. I do.
If she were to get "heavier", then perhaps we would still be together as I would like her as a person....my sexual attraction however may not be there.
Now people can say that is shallow, or immature or whatever....fine with me.
But everyone has their views on what they find attractive and will discriminate against anyone who lacks in those areas....just how it is.
I know (for me) I am visual, so that has to be appealing to me.....
I also know I want to be able to talk with the person, have a good time with the person.....
Not have control me, or freak out over little stuff.....
So there are a multitude of things that go into the "attractiveness" of a person.
This guy is a boyfriend....so ultimately he could leave you for some other reason unrelated to your size.
So you should do what you want with your body....you're stuck with it.2 -
Attraction and is important despite romantic notions about "the one" and "true love" we're all socialized to accept. True love happens through work and mutual compromise. A person is "the one" only because we want them to be.
All you can do for the sake of your happiness (and health and possibly your sense of self worth) is be honest and true to your goals. He'll either still find you attractive or he won't; that's sadly not something he has a lot of control over and neither do you. Either way, you deserve have the body you want to inhabit and to have a shot at being with someone who is reasonably attracted to you, and he deserves a shot to be with someone who he's reasonably attracted to. If that no longer lines up, and the sexual phase of your relationship ends, you'll both know why and can move on as friends and well-wishers.
Sometimes the most loving thing a couple can do for each other is realize when their paths diverge.
There's also the possibility that you remain partners romantically and in life because you care for each other deeply and make a good team, but you both realize the need for some extracurricular fantasy fulfillment on mutually agreed upon terms if you no longer "do it" for each other.
It all comes down to change and how much and what kind of change you both can accept, really. I know this can be tough because there's so much emotionally touchy stuff all wrapped up in this--self-image, attraction, love, power imbalance, and the unknown--but whatever happens, please remember that you deserve a chance to be happy and so does he. Best of luck to you ❤️.2 -
When I met my now husband of almost 5 yrs, I was at my heaviest weight ever (235lbs at 5' tall). He fell in love with me at that size and doesn't care for skinny women either. I lost 100lbs and when we got married in 2012 was 135 and a size 8. He loved me the same. Then I gained 65lbs back over the past few years and guess what? Still loves me. Now that I'm pushing again for that 135lbs, he's right there being the same sweet man he always has been.
The love is there, regardless of someone's size. If you TRULY love someone - it won't matter.3 -
Keep in mind, that men are typically very visual creatures....I know I am.
And while I don't expect the person that I am with to look like they belong on the pages of a magazine (not really into that lean)....I also don't want her to be "bigger".
I want someone who has a healthy body and pays attention to said body. I do.
If she were to get "heavier", then perhaps we would still be together as I would like her as a person....my sexual attraction however may not be there.
Now people can say that is shallow, or immature or whatever....fine with me.
But everyone has their views on what they find attractive and will discriminate against anyone who lacks in those areas....just how it is.
I know (for me) I am visual, so that has to be appealing to me.....
I also know I want to be able to talk with the person, have a good time with the person.....
Not have control me, or freak out over little stuff.....
So there are a multitude of things that go into the "attractiveness" of a person.
This guy is a boyfriend....so ultimately he could leave you for some other reason unrelated to your size.
So you should do what you want with your body....you're stuck with it.
Yeah, guys are visual. They pick with their eyes, it's a biological thing. Chemistry is there or it's not. I'm heavier than my boyfriend but he was open to women of any size on his online profile. I was a bit insecure about being bigger than him, but I guess he liked me enough to to want to be with me. I also know it's a confidence thing. He met me
after I gained weight back (25 lbs) over the course of 3 years or so.
But I'm more happy with myself and feel better about who I am even if I'm not the size I want. And he sees that. And i wear clothes that make me feel good and he loves it. I know this is probably shallow and I may get comments on this, but I do my best to look good for him. Granted I do it for myself mostly, but I make an effort to look good for him because men are visual and I want him to remember I be a lady, no matter my size 2 -
One of my exs was only into bigger women and he really did hate it when I went from 150 to 113lbs. He was much more jealous, paranoid, and possessive after I lost the weight. He wasn't a mentally stable person though, and my weight loss wasn't what ended the relationship, but his attitude about it was a big factor. My advise would be as long as he keeps treating you the same, don't worry about it. If he starts being more jealous or controlling once you've lost the weight, that would be a red flag.1
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itsfuntobedevilinabluedress wrote: »
To me, people who claim to *only* be attracted to XYZ just scream immature.
Sorry, but this seems pretty ignorant. Does that mean a man who is gay and claims to only be attracted to men is plainly being immature?2 -
itsfuntobedevilinabluedress wrote: »
To me, people who claim to *only* be attracted to XYZ just scream immature.
Sorry, but this seems pretty ignorant. Does that mean a man who is gay and claims to only be attracted to men is plainly being immature?
Agreed.
Ppl like what they like. It's not immature. We all discriminate based on certain things.
Women are just as bad as guys on this.
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