just another Q for the men out there

cabul3
cabul3 Posts: 210 Member
edited September 30 in Health and Weight Loss
I don't think anything is wrong is going on between me and my boyfriend, but lately he is opting more and more often to sleep on the futon instead of in our bed with me. his explanations sound valid enough: his knees are sore and the couch is just more comfy, or he is tossing/turning and doesn't want to disturb my sleep, or he passed out watching tv in the living room -- but really? 2-3-4x/wk?

whenever he chooses the couch, i silently cry myself to sleep, thinking he doesn't want to be near me because i must not be attractive to him anymore, blah blah blah. i know i'm being silly, but i'm sensitive to these things. and he doesn't know it makes me sad/cry.

when you love your partner, don't you want to share their bed every nite!? i do....

Replies

  • juleseybaby
    juleseybaby Posts: 712 Member
    I would wonder. And I would investigate. And if there is nothing to be found that is 'bad', then I would for sure let him know how it makes you feel.
  • mrmarius
    mrmarius Posts: 1,802 Member
    not neccesarily.. i prefer to sleep by myself, because my wife snores and i'm a light sleeper. i'm working 3rd shift now so i get that. is he pulling away from you in other ways? if he's not wanting to be around you when you're both awake is a better indicator on if something is going on
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
    Not a man but..

    Talk to him about it. Ask him why, tell him it hurts your feelings and that you'd like him to sleep with you. Open communication is KEY to relationships.
  • cabul3
    cabul3 Posts: 210 Member
    not neccesarily.. i prefer to sleep by myself, because my wife snores and i'm a light sleeper. i'm working 3rd shift now so i get that. is he pulling away from you in other ways? if he's not wanting to be around you when you're both awake is a better indicator on if something is going on

    i am a silent sleeper. and he's not pulling away in other ways, just this one.... maybe i worry too much?
  • Shutterpillar
    Shutterpillar Posts: 208
    probably time to talk to him about it. If he knew it upset you, then maybe he would stop. Perhaps you guys can save up for a new bed? one he is comfortable in?

    sometimes sacrifices need to be made to make a relationship work, but it should be a situation that you both agree on. communication is the key. talk to him about it.
  • Kolohe71
    Kolohe71 Posts: 613 Member
    Sounds a little off to me. Wife and I have been together for almost 17 years, and we have NEVER slept apart while in the same house.
  • Trixtabella
    Trixtabella Posts: 471 Member
    You should tell him how it makes you feel, if the bed is that uncomfortable maybe you should suggest saving for a new one.
    If he doesn't know you feel upset how is he supposed to reassure you that your just acting crazy :happy: I only say this because I am very insecure in my relationship because of my weight and my boyfriend is forever telling me why keep things to yourself and worry when you can talk to me and I can stop the craziness.

    Just a suggestion, you never know it might work
  • mishelnkiki
    mishelnkiki Posts: 775 Member
    my daughters father did that. and then his new gf says that he does that with her too. he says hes just more comfortable on the couch. he doesnt like to sleep in the bed. not a man, just my input.
  • DiabeticAlien
    DiabeticAlien Posts: 240 Member
    I would say he's probably telling you the truth. But I would recommend telling him how it makes you feel. One should always be honest with their partner, otherwise it can lead to bad feelings or misunderstandings.
  • bry_all01
    bry_all01 Posts: 3,100 Member
    I'm a gal, not a guy, but I sleep on the couch, because its roomy and far more comfortable than trying to fight 2 dogs and hubby for space in the bed. Plus, he goes to bed earlier than I do, and I stay up to watch my "chick" shows and do my crunches and push ups, then pass out. So, I could see comfy as a reason.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,422 Member
    Aw. Sorry.

    I'm more cynical. I would assume there is a problem. :ohwell: But talking about it may solve your discomfort.






    _____________________________
    edit, cuz I was being too hard on the guy......
  • lodro
    lodro Posts: 982 Member
    I've been married for nearly 25 years now, and for 15 out of those 25 we've slept in separate bedrooms mostly. I can imagine how startled you are, though. At present it is not the norm to sleep separately, and it is often construed as pointing to something being wrong with the relationship, but it doesn't need to be. In former times it was much more common for partners not to share the bed except on special occasions of course. Having said this, I think it is important that you express to him that you like being in one bed with him, and for him to express that he likes being in one bed with you. If it is really difficult for him physically, you might change your mattress.
  • PalmettoparkGuy
    PalmettoparkGuy Posts: 212 Member
    Chill out. A lot of guys like to sleep alone. I hate sleeping with others. Maybe you fart in your sleep.
  • MrsCon40
    MrsCon40 Posts: 2,351 Member
    Also not a man but I am a newlywed and we sometimes sleep seperately... he's all gangly arms and legs and takes up a lot of room - and sometimes I toss and turn so much...

    If all other things are ok I would resist the urge to be female and read too much in to it. :smile:
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,422 Member
    Of course, maybe this is why I'm single :tongue: I can't sleep with anyone who snores.
  • amart17
    amart17 Posts: 21
    I know that my father ends up on the couch 4-5 nights a week for the simple reason that he gets too warm and tosses and turns in the middle of the night. It doesn't usually bug my mom, but he's always concerned that it will, so if he's too warm to sleep, he just goes to the couch. Oh, and they've been happily married for 25 years, so I'd say as long as the bed is the only issue, it's probably not a huge deal.
  • jarrettd
    jarrettd Posts: 872 Member
    I don't pretend to know your whole situation, but I can tell you that men go through cycles where they just need their space. I've been married 26 years, and my husband, now and then, just gets tired of looking at me. He isn't falling out of love with me or falling for someone else...he just needs some downtime. If I nag after him or fuss and pout, he stays "gone" from me longer. If I let him have his space and find something to amuse myself (friends, hobby, etc.) he comes to find me after a while. And we're closer than ever because we actually had time and space to miss each other, plus had some individual experiences which give us something to talk about.

    I found the best explanation for it in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray (an oldie, but a goodie). The chapter is something like "Men are like rubber bands".

    There's also the possibility that he is simply being completely honest with you (and quite considerate, IMHO).

    Good luck understanding your man and why he does what he does. Goodness knows, after 26 years, I still mostly don't have a clue about mine!!
  • Rae6503
    Rae6503 Posts: 6,294 Member
    why keep things to yourself and worry when you can talk to me and I can stop the craziness.

    This is excellent advice!
  • SmartFunGorgeous
    SmartFunGorgeous Posts: 699 Member
    If he doesn't know how much it upsets you, what can he do about it? You need to talk to him. And you need to listen to him when he finally responds. His reasons are probably just as legit for sleeping apart as yours are for being upset about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping apart, just like there's nothing wrong with your wanting to sleep together. The point is that if you aren't communicating about it, then nothing will ever be resolved.

    (p.s. girlfriends can help answer questions like this too!) :heart:
  • rileysowner
    rileysowner Posts: 8,331 Member
    My wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms because of various factors. She has restless legs, snores a bit and is usually cold at night. I am a light sleeper who easily gets too warm and needs the blankets off the bed. We are happily married. Every once in a while we try sleeping together, but usually one of us ends up in the guest room. I would suggest, as others have, that you talk to him about how you feel, and realize he is likely not doing this for anything but the reasons he says he is.
  • sunyg
    sunyg Posts: 229
    I'm not a guy but occasionally I sleep on the couch. Sometimes it is just because he snores like a freight train, and is a really big guy who doesn't roll over but flops. So when I'm super tired I will sometimes sleep on the couch.

    But I agree with others. You need to tell him how much it is bothering you. If he is any thing like my husband he is clueless. More than likely if you haven't noticed anything else wrong it is exactly what he says it is.
  • otr12
    otr12 Posts: 632 Member
    Don't know about your location but lately it's been uncomfortably hotter here. Sleeping next to a body makes it even worse.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    Lots of couples don't share a bed for whatever reason. Unless he is pulling away in the daytime or not wanting to be intimate, I wouldn't be too concerned.
  • Dom_m
    Dom_m Posts: 336 Member
    In the last year I've only slept the whole night in the same bed as my girlfriend 1-2 times. Neither of us can ever get to sleep. She needs so many blankets I sweat to death, and she needs the windows closed and the fan off, so I suffocate. I've ended up sleeping on the floor a few times because it was more comfortable. Usually we sleep together for an hour or so, then one or other of us goes to a different room and maybe rejoin in the morning.

    Bottom line: I don't know your situation, but you shouldn't assume that wanting to sleep in his own bed is weird or an indictment on your relationship.
  • adrian_indy
    adrian_indy Posts: 1,444 Member
    I often slept on the couch or in the recliner when my wife has to wake up earlier than me because I didn't want to sleep yet. Also, I like watching TV sometimes and she doesn't. There you go.
  • AtticusFinch
    AtticusFinch Posts: 1,262 Member
    You do need to tell him, and he does need to know that it upsets you.

    There may well be a reason you haven't thought of, but if you let it become the norm you're probably storing up a problem for the future even if it isn't one yet.

    You also need to convince him to be honest and not hold it against him if he is, (eg how would you feel if he said you had bad breath or something?).

    Pick your moment, be brave, and good luck
  • fiberartist219
    fiberartist219 Posts: 1,865 Member
    Chill out. A lot of guys like to sleep alone. I hate sleeping with others. Maybe you fart in your sleep.

    Funny that you mention this. My husband told me this week that I fart a lot when I sleep. Apparently, it's really loud too.

    Anyway, despite my gas, he would never want to be away from me at night. He and I both are very clingy.

    My husband and I always sleep in the same bed as long as I'm not traveling (out of state). Something would be dramatically wrong if we didn't. However, every couple is different, and you can't judge your relationship on what we do.
  • paulmg1234
    paulmg1234 Posts: 37
    I definitely find that I get a much better night's sleep if I am sleeping alone. I even find my 5lb chihuahua too warm. I love the freedom to move around and spread out. I would not take his sleeping on the couch as any signs of pulling away from you.
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