How (not) to give a complement
emma44ny
Posts: 141 Member
I am a very modest person and do not take complements well as it is... Having lost over 65lbs it has certainly become glaringly obvious and people for whatever reason, feel the need to discuss it. I can handle, "wow, you look great!" or even "have you lost weight?" However the following things are not appropriate. For any reason, EVER.
*You've lost a TON of weight!!!!
*What, did you start smoking crack?
*Did you padlock your fridge?
*You must have lost TONS because you were REALLY big!
*Well you should really try to keep it off! (oh really, you think so?)
I freaking hate people sometimes. At least when you're fat no one says anything at all! Am I just being sensitive or does anyone else have issues with this???
*You've lost a TON of weight!!!!
*What, did you start smoking crack?
*Did you padlock your fridge?
*You must have lost TONS because you were REALLY big!
*Well you should really try to keep it off! (oh really, you think so?)
I freaking hate people sometimes. At least when you're fat no one says anything at all! Am I just being sensitive or does anyone else have issues with this???
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Replies
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please tell me these are not real responses from real people. Otherwise, disgusting people.0
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"OH MY GOSH! You look so different, you look FABULOUS"
and all of what you said.. yes, drives me nuts. Was I that hideous before?0 -
I agree with that. I also don't being told "you've gained a lot of weight" (or any other way of saying that, rude or trying to be "nice"). I don't like being told "you're so THIN! Eat something!"
It's just rude to talk about someone's weight no matter where on the weight spectrum they're on, you know?0 -
I've gotten all of these plus....
"You're so pretty NOW!" (yeah, because I was so hideous before!)
"You had gotten REALLY big. We were worried."
"Your boobs are so small now."
...and many others I have blocked from my memory.0 -
wow... some of these are down right rude, others I wonder do they have brains? I pray I never say anything so ridiculous to anyone.
Congratulations on 65 lbs! This is awesome!0 -
People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.
Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...0 -
You've lost a TON of weight!!!!
"No, you just remember me fatter than I am. Thanks. No, really."
What, did you start smoking crack?
"Oh yeah, right about the time you got that face lift."
Did you padlock your fridge?
"Can you padlock your mouth?"
You must have lost TONS because you were REALLY big!
"You must not have lost TONS of brain cells before you made it to rehab!"
Well you should really try to keep it off!
"That's right, sweetpea, I'll do that just for you. No, really." <-- drippy sarcasm here
or
"Well, thanks for your brilliant advice, I'll take that under advisement. You have a degree in this, don't you."0 -
I am a very modest person and do not take complements well as it is... Having lost over 65lbs it has certainly become glaringly obvious and people for whatever reason, feel the need to discuss it. I can handle, "wow, you look great!" or even "have you lost weight?" However the following things are not appropriate. For any reason, EVER.
*You've lost a TON of weight!!!!
*What, did you start smoking crack?
*Did you padlock your fridge?
*You must have lost TONS because you were REALLY big!
*Well you should really try to keep it off! (oh really, you think so?)
I freaking hate people sometimes. At least when you're fat no one says anything at all! Am I just being sensitive or does anyone else have issues with this???
my mom told me a few days ago its so good that you are losing weight, now i dont have to worry about you dieing, and you must feel soooo much lighter!
really??? love you too mom0 -
OMG...are you serious...this is insane.
I started extremely close to your starting weight and I cannot wait to get to the point you are now. I hate that people are so horrible, I mean yes the truth hurts but come on they are basically putting you down.
If it means anything I am very proud of you for your accomplishment!0 -
please tell me these are not real responses from real people. Otherwise, disgusting people.
All were said to me in the last, say, 3 months. The padlock comment just as recently as last Friday. Ridiculous, right??0 -
My favorite was the phrase that I will never forget and that spurred me to lose the weight. Said to me by a co-worker in the elevator... (she had had a walking boot on for about 7 months prior)
"Man! It's taking just as long for my foot to heal as it is taking your baby to grow!"
If SHE, yes she, only knew how much of an idiot she was! And that "baby" never grew to full term (because there NEVER was one) so maybe she still did feel terrible because she thought I lost the baby.
So I'm right there with you!0 -
guys, I'm guilty. I think I said something that I should not have said to my cousin. She got one of the surgeries, and she told me she lost 150 pounds and that she still had close to 100 left before she would go into maintenance mode. I really was trying to be encouraging when I said "wow that's a person!" I guess that makes me a DB
sorry
**and by the way I have battled weight issues on and off throughout most of my life, so I really am sensitive to the commentary. I just had one of those moments where my mouth did not filter what my brain told me to say. Should I apologize to my cousin for being insensitive?0 -
It's like people think that once you have lost the weight it's ok to say all the hurtful things that they were thinking when you were heavy. Not cool. It still hurts.0
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Some of those are just downright rude. Try to ignore the negativity as best you can! Your accomplishment is amazing!
(My least favorite compliment: "You're so thin! Don't lose anymore weight, you'll be anorexic!" I've heard that one word-for-word. Multiple times. From multiple people. #1-- I a not THIN, and I do not desire to be THIN. #2-- Don't try to dictate to me what you think my weight should be please. #3-- Anorexia is a very serious psychological and physical condition that is not defined by weight alone, but by severe restrictions of and obsession with food and exercise, often linked to OCD-like issues, frequently stemming out of depression, anxiety, and social disorders paired with severe difficulties with accurate self-perception, often to the point of body dysmorphic disorder. I will not "be anorexic" because I lose weight, and do not think such things should be thrown around lightly.
Of course, I respond with a "thank you" and keep the rest to myself, because sometimes saying what you think is perceived as being just a little too sensitive and/or *****y.)0 -
You've lost a TON of weight!!!!
"No, you just remember me fatter than I am. Thanks. No, really."
What, did you start smoking crack?
"Oh yeah, right about the time you got that face lift."
Did you padlock your fridge?
"Can you padlock your mouth?"
You must have lost TONS because you were REALLY big!
"You must not have lost TONS of brain cells before you made it to rehab!"
Well you should really try to keep it off!
"That's right, sweetpea, I'll do that just for you. No, really." <-- drippy sarcasm here
or
"Well, thanks for your brilliant advice, I'll take that under advisement. You have a degree in this, don't you."
I like you piperjon! All things I wish I could think of at that moment!0 -
I lost (and have kept off) 40lbs, in my 20's, way before I joined MFP. I'm sorry you are hearing this stuff, but yes, some people are really stupid and cruel. I also heard 'you should keep it off' as well as 'I'm glad you've lost weight! You were getting really big and I wanted to say something, but didn't" As if I had NO CLUE I was fat and it was a secret even to me???
I also heard, "Keep losing" which is flat out rude if you are already near goal, I mean, does everyone have to be a freaking size 4 or 2?? I heard "Now you can wear fashionable clothes." What, was I a bag lady before?? I shopped in Lane Bryant and did my best to look good even when I was fat.
Sorry you are hearing rude things. Losing should bring out the best in people's comments, but sometimes it reveals ignorance.0 -
"OH MY GOSH! You look so different, you look FABULOUS"
and all of what you said.. yes, drives me nuts. Was I that hideous before?
Oh yeah, I actually heard "You look so good, I didn't know it was you at first!"0 -
People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.
Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...
Yeah see, I'm not buying that...
I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion but never have I thought that telling someone that they were getting "really big" was productive (or kind) conversation. People that don't realize that this is hurtful or offensive should not be let out of their homes. Certainly nothing against your opinion, I know it's just devil's advocate but...0 -
"OH MY GOSH! You look so different, you look FABULOUS"
and all of what you said.. yes, drives me nuts. Was I that hideous before?
Oh yeah, I actually heard "You look so good, I didn't know it was you at first!"
And I got this one last Saturday...0 -
LOL0
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People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.
Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...
Yeah see, I'm not buying that...
I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion but never have I thought that telling someone that they were getting "really big" was productive (or kind) conversation. People that don't realize that this is hurtful or offensive should not be let out of their homes. Certainly nothing against your opinion, I know it's just devil's advocate but...
Maybe overly sensitive people shouldn't be let out of their homes either.... see you are just as "judgemental" as the next person.0 -
please tell me these are not real responses from real people. Otherwise, disgusting people.
All were said to me in the last, say, 3 months. The padlock comment just as recently as last Friday. Ridiculous, right??
I am SO very sorry! I've had the opposite and people always try to tell me they are just being funny, but its not funny to me. I'm sorry I don't weigh what people think I should weigh, but I DO eat. I do NOT need someone to sit on me and force me to eat. I promise. Ick, people disgust me some times. I do want to say congrats to you!0 -
While there are insensitive clods in the world, there really are socially delayed folks who have no idea how they make people feel.
If they are important to you and you care that they understand how hard this is, tell the person you appreciate their support, but this is hard.... but if not, just smile and keep walking or maybe have a little fun....
Example: You've lost a ton of weight...
Responses: Really? I wonder where I left it?/ Or I wonder where it fell off? / or .... since I joined the roller derby, the weight just keeps coming off/ or Living at the convent has it's perks/ or You must have me confused with someone who looks like me/ or with a solem look on your face... "I am fasting for world peace.... " or, I really don't want to discuss it.
What ever you decide, keep up the good work. Ultimately, this goal is yours, and you deserve to win it. Don't be discouraged by stupid people. The world has an unlimited supply.0 -
People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.
Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...
Yeah see, I'm not buying that...
I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion but never have I thought that telling someone that they were getting "really big" was productive (or kind) conversation. People that don't realize that this is hurtful or offensive should not be let out of their homes. Certainly nothing against your opinion, I know it's just devil's advocate but...
PS... nothing in your original post said anything about people saying you were getting big, but quite the opposite, which is what I was speaking towards... you took this in a whole different direction. And again, you can't really relate to what I said because you've apparently struggled with your weight, and I'm saying i haven't. So you can "buy what I'm saying" or not... it doesn't really matter to me either way. But don't say you can relate unless you've been underweight most of your life and can speak from the experience I can. Even when I joined this site, at my heaviest I was still at the heavier end of my healthy weight.0 -
Am I the only one that doesn't agree? LOL
I wish someone had told me WHEN I was bigger that I needed to lose weight. That I looked awful. That I was unhealthy. Because I was.
Yes, people can say things that can sound bad, but usually it touches a nerve - that's why you are offended by it. So what if they say you've lost a ton of weight.... you probably have and good on ya!
I often see obese people and hope that someone close to them has the balls to tell them to get off their *kitten* and do something about it.0 -
Yeah. I got the "wow, you have lost a TON of weight, you look great" the other day, coming from my friend who honestly probably put on 30 lbs in the past year. I never thought I was that fat to begin with, because I wasn't really. Just not skinny or healthy. I've probably lost about 20 lbs since they saw me last summer. It felt good that people noticed but at the same time it kind of hurt that they felt I had a ton to lose. I hadn't seen my boyfriend for like a month and started eating better and working out, I had lost 4 lbs and was just tighter and more fit, and he told me a million times I looked great and not that I didn't look great before, but to keep doing what I was doing. It's just so weird because it's nice to hear that people notice but at the same time it's just like makes me think that everyone likes me better now that I'm thinner. And that's sad. But that's our society and it sucks.0
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People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.
Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...
Yeah see, I'm not buying that...
I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion but never have I thought that telling someone that they were getting "really big" was productive (or kind) conversation. People that don't realize that this is hurtful or offensive should not be let out of their homes. Certainly nothing against your opinion, I know it's just devil's advocate but...
Maybe overly sensitive people shouldn't be let out of their homes either.... see you are just as "judgemental" as the next person.
*locks self in house*
:happy: 0 -
guys, I'm guilty. I think I said something that I should not have said to my cousin. She got one of the surgeries, and she told me she lost 150 pounds and that she still had close to 100 left before she would go into maintenance mode. I really was trying to be encouraging when I said "wow that's a person!" I guess that makes me a DB sorry
**and by the way I have battled weight issues on and off throughout most of my life, so I really am sensitive to the commentary. I just had one of those moments where my mouth did not filter what my brain told me to say. Should I apologize to my cousin for being insensitive?
I think like you said, it was a knee-jerk comment, not a jerk comment....If you think it hurt her feelings, I might explain that was definitely not what you meant, but if you gals are close enough that she knows how you think, etc., then it might be ok...just my opinion.0 -
People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.
Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...
I actually completely agree. Through personal experiences when it comes to "weight loss" its a free for all on comments. And unless you've struggled with weight you cant REALLY know how it affects someone. But I actually take the fact that people are noticing as a compliment, I mean sure it wasn't said the BEST way possible, but a compliments and compliment right? There's no need to take things to gosh darn seriously! Plus its what people ARENT saying that should worry you! (greatest lesson learned haha)
I think i actually get more offended if someone DOESNT notice my weight loss then if i get a "you've become so pretty..."
Just my opinion though
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OMG I never post stuff and now I remember why...
My point to this post was just to say that complements can be given without being obnoxious or hurtful.
Additionally, I just want to say that when people are over weight they probably don't really need it pointed out for them. Chances are they are aware they are over weight and are dealing/ struggling with it. Furthermore, If they don't care about getting themselves healthy, why should you? Especially if this is not a conversation being had with immediate family...
Just be nice. That's all.0
This discussion has been closed.
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