For people with a unhealthy relationship with food--thoughts..

You know this is a mental and emotional issue rather than a physical one. Have you thought about seeing a therapist of some kind to work through this and find some better strategies?

I'm saying this as someone who has spent a few sessions working on some of my own stuff, not in a "OMG, you need THERAPY!" sense. It can really help turn thinking around.

You may wish to seek some professional help, specifically cognitive behavioral therapy. Sometimes people avoid therapy because they think it will be years and years about talking about your childhood. That's Freudian, not CBT

While you get the ball rolling on that, you can check out this book on CBT for overeating. It was available in my library system, so maybe yours too.

The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person

Can thinking and eating like a thin person be learned, similar to learning to drive or use a computer? Beck (Cognitive Therapy for Challenging Problems) contends so, based on decades of work with patients who have lost pounds and maintained weight through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Beck's six-week program adapts CBT, a therapeutic system developed by Beck's father, Aaron, in the 1960s, to specific challenges faced by yo-yo dieters, including negative thinking, bargaining, emotional eating, bingeing, and eating out. Beck counsels readers day-by-day, introducing new elements (creating advantage response cards, choosing a diet, enlisting a diet coach, making a weight-loss graph) progressively and offering tools to help readers stay focused (writing exercises, to-do lists, ways to counter negative thoughts). There are no eating plans, calorie counts, recipes or exercises; according to Beck, any healthy diet will work if readers learn to think differently about eating and food. Beck's book is like an extended therapy session with a diet coach. (Apr.)

Your story reminds me almost exactly of my own experience. I know how extremely disheartening problems with food are and how much it impacts one's quality of life. Although you have not been diagnosed, your symptoms such as constant thoughts about food, periods of restriction followed by complete loss of control and binging along with self-loathing and an unhealthy obsession with losing weight and body image makes me think you have a binge eating disorder. These were also my symptoms and for a while I thought I just had disordered eating but after doing quite a bit of research I found these symptoms are mostly part of binge eating disorder (BED).

For a long time I was too ashamed to talk about it because as a high achiever, perfectionist and previously very healthy and fit person an eating disorder was a huge blow to my self-esteem and identity. I thought it meant I was weak but now I realize it was my way of dealing with other stresses in my life and that many strong, people who I really admire have dealt with similar things and overcome them. I started binging when I left home for the first time at 18 and the 3 years following I yoyoed between a month or two of restriction and hard exercise followed by complete loss of control, severe binging and inability to think about anything other than food.

In order to recover over the past year and rebuild a healthy relationship with food, I had to let go of trying to restrict calories and just focus on eating healthy foods that I felt good about. I think tracking food can work in 1 of two ways; either it increases your obsession with food because you are constantly logging it or it can offer re-assurance that you do not need to worry like a mother as someone mentioned earlier. Personally, I had to let go of tracking and trying to diet/restrict for over a year just to be able to relax because i realized this approach always led to another binge so instead I focussed on not restricting but only eating foods I felt good about. I found that avoiding triggering foods (mine are sweets and high carbs) that make me feel guilty and upset with myself helps me to worry less about food. Binging/obsession with food is a toxic cycle where thoughts about food lead to over eating or binging, which leads to weight gain, which increases your self loathing and need for comfort which can conveniently be found in food and it starts all over again. I would recommend trying either eating at maintenance or a small calorie deficit no more than 1lb per week and focus instead on eating lots of veggies and foods that will not stress you out but still leave you feeling full and satisfied. Of course the end goal is to feel ok about eating any food you enjoy as long as it is in moderation but moderation is the hardest balance to achieve so I think starting by focussing on healthy foods and low stress is a good strategy because less stress about food will decrease your likely hood of binging again.

Since this is an emotional thing, one of the most helpful things to do is make sure you start your day with an activity that is not food related that boosts your self esteem. Some people recommend that this is not exercise because it can be strongly related to body image and weight loss thoughts but as long as it makes you feel good I really don't think it matters. For me, exercise makes me feel good period. Even when I have a healthy relationship with food so that was always my go to. Especially since you like to run, fresh air always helps.

I don't know if you weigh yourself but avoiding the scale for a long time was also important for me. The scale should be included with trigger foods even if you are feeling good and see positive change in your body stepping on the scale and not seeing the number you want can sink the spirits and lead to more negative thoughts and obsession about weight and food.

A lot of people have recommended going to see a therapist, I went to counselling a couple of times but never really got into it. In hind sight I wish I had known about other support for eating disorders such as over eaters anonymous or local organizations that offer peer tutoring (meeting with someone who had a similar disorder and has recovered) or mentoring groups where you meet with a group every week or two. I recommend looking into something like this because I think these would have speeded my recovery a lot and saved me a few years of misery but I understand not wanting to go. For me it was a combination of pride and also some days weren't bad so I felt like I was probably recovering and that tomorrow would be different so I didn't want to waist my time but I wish I had just hit it head on and done everything I could to make sure it was 100% gone. You deserve to live a happier life, free from being terrified of food and one of these things just might help. At the very least talking to people who have recovered can be HUGE help, I know for me it was because it gave me hope and made me believe I could to. Hope and setting goals for recovery and working towards them even if you feel like you are failing is so important because eventually it will work.

These two books were recommended to me by another girl who had recovered from BED on MFP.
Never Binge Again by Glenn Livingston
Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen

I recovered and you can too. Feel free to add me if you have any questions or just need support. Remembering you are not alone in this and that lots of people have gone through very similar experiences and have recovered is super important.