Weight Management & Mental Health

Yes, of course having something trying to smash you down 24/7/365 is going to make fitness harder - it makes everything harder. I'm trying to be less concerned about "who thinks I'm crazy" and more open about admitting what I went through and still go through. There was a lot of domestic violence, dysfunctional relationships, drama, instability in my household growing up. My father had severe mental health issues, looking back, I can see that he was victimized by his mother, who probably was victimized by someone from a prior generation, and so on.

Fortunately, I had the sense to stop it here, I have a large set of problems, officially PTSD and dysthymia (low-grade chronic depression), more accurately CPTSD (not officially recognized yet, but no doubt it will be) but I can proudly say I recognized how wrong what was done to me was, at a very early age, and vowed NEVER to treat anyone the way I was treated - which included being beaten, raped and fondled, forced to watch him perform various deviants acts, threatened with knives and guns, emotional abuse of a pretty extreme nature which included extreme perfectionism/extreme criticism of every thing I did - I had to be "perfect" or else there was Hell to pay.

That legacy makes it really hard for me. I'm easily frustrated. I have a lot of physical illnesses that may or may not be psychosomatic in origin, or at least maybe I feel the effects of them more because of the history - for example, it's pretty "physical" that I have asthma, I doubt that my mental state is going to change my ability to breath or influence what substances in the environment make it hard for me to breath, and the changes in my lung function are quantifiable and measurable with equipment, but ... there are days when I'm short of breath, dizzy, whatever and I know it's also very strongly correlated to my moods and state of mind - and no amount of albuterol, symbicort, singulair or sudafed is going to make it that heavy, breathless feeling completely go away.

I also CONSTANTLY compare myself and my performance to other people in my boot camp, the bike club I used to belong to, etc. And, of course, because of the legacy of the abuse, good is never good enough, great is never adequate, and perfect, if I could achieve it, still wouldn't be good enough if I plated it in all of the gold I'd get by melting down every one of Michael Phelp's Olympic medals. So then I fall into this dark pit of despair, where I have these waves of panic and think, WTF am I doing here, I don't belong, I'm a fraud, a joke, a piece of crap ... you get it, no doubt.

Then, there is my weight. He LOVED to torment me about my weight, my food choices, etc. So, I grew up yo yo dieting between thin, heavy, normal - I have pictures from each stage of school, elementary, middle and high school, where I'm fat, where I'm thin, where I'm normal. In college, I put on a ton of weight - then lost a ton of weight - then put on a ton of weight - then lost a ton of weight. As a young man in my 20s, I had a phase where I was uber-sensitive about my appearance, weight, and health, and I took up a lot of GREAT habits - healthy food, running, cycling, hiking - and I was absolutely at the healthiest I'd ever been. Then I had a great crash and fell into depression and let that all go to Hell, and spent most of my 30s and 40s yo yo ing, going back and forth between the latest diet fads and living out of drive through windows and on junk food 24/7. And, to back up all of that - more than my fair share of bulimic phases, where I would binge out on tons of junk food, and then swallow down large handfulls of OTC laxatives and mix in diuretics, hardcore prescription diuretics when I could get them - and spend nights in agony curled up on the bathroom floor feeling like I was going to die, and promising God I "never again" because it felt so terrible - and then do it all over again a week later or whatever.

Yeah, been there, done that. I'm still quite frequently depressed, I have a lot of suicidal thoughts, very specific and very vivid, and I'm basically a walking train wreck. But at least I'm still walking.

I really love this post. I do not have a diagnosed mental health issue (well unless I've been diagnosed as a codependent maybe). I have been and continue to be in a 12 step program for this and I've learned that I've used food to stuff my feelings. There have been studies regarding sugar as an addictive chemical. It makes us feel temporarily good so when I'm emotional I crave it. This weight loss journey has really taught me a lot about myself. I've had occasional food binges and they have more to do with my emotional state than anything else. I truly believe that when I focus on self love and cultivating a spiritual relationship I'm in a better place mentally to tackle my relationship with food. Ok...now that I put my thoughts out there I want a cupcake! Lol. I'm going to make a tea instead and write myself a love letter. ❤

I too have a mood disorder, and I just thought it was me with the dark/self deprecating thoughts. When I turned 30, I decided my life needed an overhaul after years of codependence. Got myself to therapy, started eating clean & working out 6 days/wk. Telling myself this new me would last and that I wouldn't let anything or anyone bring me down.

Now 32, I've gained 40lbs back. The dark voice says "told you, this is who you really are." I'm 8 months away from getting married to a worderful man, who doesn't care about the extra lbs & tells me I'm beautiful everyday. But thisisn't me; the weight represents years of denial and self-hate that I thought I had shed for good through self-love and building healthy habits...but since November I can't seem to get back into the groove. SO glad to hear that I'm not alone. That helps a lot.