Self sabotage and male attention

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Whitezombiegirl
Whitezombiegirl Posts: 1,042 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hi,

Im looking for a bit of help and support with an issue ive had for over 20 years.

Back ground: i grew up a skinny ugly duckling with no attention from guys. I never learned how to deal with it.

Recently, after gaining some weight from lazy eating habits caused by depression after bereavement, i managed to get to a very slim weight (92lbs- im very short) . I started to feel more confident and attractive and started to get attention from guys (im 40 btw). Im not used to it and it makes me uncomfortable, so something inside me snapped and i ended up forcing myself to binge to gain back weight. I can remember being flirted with and then going home and eating a huge chocolate bar even though i felt sick and didn't want it. It was like i was punishing myself for feeling attractive.

Looking back over the years this seems to be a cycle with me. Luckily i tend to only gain back 7-10lbs but its enough to knock my confidence each time.

Any insights or tips on coping with this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Replies

  • RuNaRoUnDaFiEld
    RuNaRoUnDaFiEld Posts: 5,864 Member
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    Confidence is attractive. It's nothing to do with size.

    I agree with @TavistockToad seeing some one is a good idea.
  • LisaEatSleepRun
    LisaEatSleepRun Posts: 159 Member
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    Seems like a complex issue, talking to a professional is a wise suggestion. Weight and self-esteem are often linked due to societal pressures & expectations. However, your worth is not defined by your size!
  • Niki_Fitz
    Niki_Fitz Posts: 948 Member
    edited July 2017
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    I can relate. I remember being flirted with (and unfortunately harassed) and doing the exact same thing.

  • Dazzler21
    Dazzler21 Posts: 1,249 Member
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    You're beautiful, don't believe any different. Don't feel ashamed to look good and don't feel ashamed to need to comfort yourself some times. A professional is advisable.

    It's easy to say, but never feel ashamed of being yourself.
  • AliNouveau
    AliNouveau Posts: 36,287 Member
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    I agree you need to spend a with a therapist.

    You're allowed to feel attractive and good about yourself. A therapist will give you ways to realize this and cope with the new found attention which you deserve
  • nyponbell
    nyponbell Posts: 379 Member
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    I have the same struggles and have dealth with it all my life it feels like (developed breasts early, unfortunately). I agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea - I did (not specificially for this problem) and it has helped. It is still a struggle for me, but that has more to do with my other issues than my confidence with the opposite sex.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,172 Member
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    I've done a similar thing when my very good friend's husband started relentlessly hitting on me. I gained weight as some kind of protective shield, I think, apparently subconsciously thinking that becoming less attractive would make it stop. It was a constant stress. Actually, telling him directly (twice) that he was being a complete asshat and I hated him for it put an end to it. It's hard to be the target of the male gaze, and being flirted with by complete strangers or "friends", it's so annoying that men feel they have the right to comment on our bodies. But on the other hand, some of this is positive attention from nice guys who just want to be complimentary and get to know you. You need to learn new ways to cope with this. You can learn to own your attractiveness and newfound confidence and act like the gorgeous warrior you are. I found the inner strength to navigate through the world without reacting by beating myself up. Now my confidence is my shield. Anyone can learn this.

    Guess what helped? A couple counselling sessions with a helpful therapist. Best money I ever spent, not kidding!
  • Tabbycat00
    Tabbycat00 Posts: 146 Member
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    Talking to someone is probably the best solution. If you don't use food to sabotage yourself you may turn to other things if the issue isn't dealt with. If you don't have the resources for a therapist maybe seek out a pastor (if you have one) or even keep a journal
  • everher
    everher Posts: 909 Member
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    Another vote for therapy. Some things we just need help addressing.
  • Whitezombiegirl
    Whitezombiegirl Posts: 1,042 Member
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    Thanks for the help guys. I think its part of a wider issue of dealing with confrontation (good or bad). With regards to dating, in the past ive gone on some dates because i felt uncomfortable saying no and ive ended up being stalked by two different guys which really stressed me out. With regards to work, ive avoided confrontation and let simple issues escalate into much bigger stressful ones.

    Ive stayed years in dead relationships because i couldnt deal with the break up and all it entailed.

    I did see a therapist for a short while but she was very confrontational and scared me, so i stopped going.
  • pamfgil
    pamfgil Posts: 449 Member
    edited July 2017
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    Just like everything else, not all therapists are the same, try a different therapist, maybe look for one who deals with social anxiety
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    Whitezombiegirl wrote: »
    Thanks for the help guys. I think its part of a wider issue of dealing with confrontation (good or bad). With regards to dating, in the past ive gone on some dates because i felt uncomfortable saying no and ive ended up being stalked by two different guys which really stressed me out. With regards to work, ive avoided confrontation and let simple issues escalate into much bigger stressful ones.

    Ive stayed years in dead relationships because i couldnt deal with the break up and all it entailed.

    I did see a therapist for a short while but she was very confrontational and scared me, so i stopped going.

    find a better therapist, there is more than one.
  • c_ward1983
    c_ward1983 Posts: 22 Member
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    A therapist can be very personal. It's not a one size fits all. If the therapist is not working for you find another one. You should never feel ashamed about who you are. It also helps to have someone "outside" your inner circle that you can vent to/rebound thoughts off of. I have a couple of people in my life like this that I see maybe once a year at most, but we talk regularly. We confide in each other things that I wouldn't even mention to those closest to me. It's a good way to talk to someone that genuinely cares about you without worrying about it disrupting your daily life. If that makes sense.
  • Frequently_Fabulous
    Frequently_Fabulous Posts: 132 Member
    edited July 2017
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    I had a similar issue at my lowest weight and I was always afraid of leading guys on or sending the wrong signals if I was overly friendly or dressed provocatively. It's definitely not a problem that's easily complained about (because let's be real, as a fat kid you want to punch anyone in the face who complains about being TOO attractive, lol).

    I was really inspired by a guy I used to work with. He is gorgeous (imagine working with Chris Hemsworth) and every lady he talked to, young or old, was somewhat flustered by him. He treated each person with a big genuine smile and treated gorgeous women with the same kindness and friendliness as he did very unattractive women.

    And you know what? Despite being ridiculously attractive, a very VERY small amount of those girls (maybe one a month?) actually took any steps to try to date him- like ask him for coffee or hang out. And he would very politely say no and that he valued them as a friend, and continue to treat that person with the same beaming friendliness and respect, just the same as before.

    I guess what I'm getting at here is don't blame yourself for being attractive or other people for being attracted to you. Until they actually try to initiate something, you have no obligation to respond to their interest or do anything. And you know that if they ask, the answer is "no thank you" or "I value you as a friend" (unless you are interested in dating the person). :)

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