Anyone successfully help a spouse / significant other lose weight?
majess1022
Posts: 70 Member
Maybe the answer is that you can't influence someone else's weight loss, but does anyone else have success stories in helping a spouse or significant other lose weight?
DH has been advised by a doctor to lose weight. He tried low carb for a month, but didn't stay strict with it. In the 10-15 years before that, both his parents and I to some degree have tried, at various points in time:
-gentle nudging,
-frank discussions about health/weight
-encouraging him to work out
-guilt tripping him about our young kids needing him (to be healthy and alive)
-losing weight myself
-making him appointments at a nutritionist
-making a billion suggestions of healthy lunch options while he's at work.
I don't cook though--he's the cook--so I don't take too much control over our dinners. None of these efforts made an impact.
I don't want to make this too much about me, though. I'm more genuinely curious if you've been able to motivate someone else to reach a healthy weight? How? I apologize if the premise of this question is insensitive or inappropriate. I am generally of the belief we can't "make" anybody do anything, but I feel guilty for not doing more/better for hubby.
DH has been advised by a doctor to lose weight. He tried low carb for a month, but didn't stay strict with it. In the 10-15 years before that, both his parents and I to some degree have tried, at various points in time:
-gentle nudging,
-frank discussions about health/weight
-encouraging him to work out
-guilt tripping him about our young kids needing him (to be healthy and alive)
-losing weight myself
-making him appointments at a nutritionist
-making a billion suggestions of healthy lunch options while he's at work.
I don't cook though--he's the cook--so I don't take too much control over our dinners. None of these efforts made an impact.
I don't want to make this too much about me, though. I'm more genuinely curious if you've been able to motivate someone else to reach a healthy weight? How? I apologize if the premise of this question is insensitive or inappropriate. I am generally of the belief we can't "make" anybody do anything, but I feel guilty for not doing more/better for hubby.
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Replies
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It's a frustrating thing, but you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.9
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my husband supported me all the way through my 25kg weight loss - he ate similar food, exercised with me, talked me out of situations I would have ordinarily eaten emotionally etc....but, I was the one motivated to do it. His support definitely helped, but without my own drive I wouldn't have been so successful or stuck to it as long as I did.
I had dieted many times before, trying every diet known to man, both when I was with him and before that. I wasn't driven enough to make it work though...5 -
I'm in the same boat. I desperately want DH to join me in getting healthy. He's making really small baby steps but they aren't enough and this has been going on for years. I've gotten really serious about my goals this time, I hope I can lead by example and motivate him to want to lose too. Is there a reason you don't cook? Maybe you can share in that and show him that healthy can still be delicious. I agree with most though, I felt guilty a long time but he's in charge of himself and I can't make him do anything.3
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It definitely makes it easier to lose weight when your spouse is on board. My husband is trying to lose weight with me and I appreciate it because he wasn't very supportive in the past. He'd complain about healthy meals he called "bland". Made jokes no gravy, go on about he's a meat and potatoes guy. Etc.
I think if you could take over some cooking responsibilities that may help.
Do you do the grocery shopping? Stop buying junk food and substitute some items for much healthier choices.
Is his health impacted by his weight?3 -
Maybe he thinks of losing weight as something you have to starve yourself over or something you have to do a specific diet for. He just needs to log his food and eat within calorie requirement. I Still eat sweets and junk food. Not every day but often enough. I understand there will be days that I eat advice my requirements and I don't starve myself the next day to make up. If I did try to make up for it the day after I'd be more prone to quitting because of how unsustainable that amount would have been.
My bf and I are in a long distance relationship. When we met up recently, we agreed to do this together (as in simultaneously since we're physically not together). He and I log in here together and gently remind each other to keep at it. I'm moving in with him in a little over a year, but if I stick to my plan I'll be mostly finished by then.5 -
It's definitely easier to do this together however until he is ready to do this for himself then no matter how hard you try it won't work. I've lost just over 30 pounds doing this alone and it wasn't until a week ago after my husband seeing how I'm more active and feeling better that he started trying to change his lifestyle as well. I was measuring my lunch portions and he asked would you mind doing mine as well? The other person has to decide they are ready for themselves7
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My husband and I are doing this together. We love to cook so changing our way of eating wasn't too hard. He even joined mfp. He doesn't have as much to lose as me. However he has never thought much about his diet as far as losing weight and had never worked out a day in his life. We are losing quickly and getting healthy and stronger in all ways. He never pushed me to lose weight and probably never would have. However, I needed to get back in the game. I needed his support and he went above and beyond.
One downfall in this has been that he is losing very quickly with not nearly as much effort. I have to keep my jealously of that in check. LoL3 -
If he's not motivated, there's nothing you can do.2
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majess1022 wrote: »DH has been advised by a doctor to lose weight. He tried low carb for a month, but didn't stay strict with it. In the 10-15 years before that, both his parents and I to some degree have tried, at various points in time:
-gentle nudging,
-frank discussions about health/weight
-encouraging him to work out
-guilt tripping him about our young kids needing him (to be healthy and alive)
-losing weight myself
-making him appointments at a nutritionist
-making a billion suggestions of healthy lunch options while he's at work.
....I am generally of the belief we can't "make" anybody do anything, but I feel guilty for not doing more/better for hubby.
If my spouse and my parents -- basically, my entire nuclear family -- were "encouraging" me in this way (which is really hounding/nagging/badgering) I would become increasingly resistant to what they had to say. I'd also feel like they were actively damaging their relationships with me if they continued this behavior after I told them to stop (not sure how your husband has reacted to your and his parents' actions.)
Leave your husband alone, let go of guilt around this subject and focus on your own weight/fitness goals and loving your family no matter what.8 -
My wife kept nudging me, but I had to finally make the decision myself. Her support was invaluable.2
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Nope. My wife occasionally asks me to help her lose weight and get in shape, except with the caveat that I can't change what she eats or have her start exercising. She is quick to jump on whatever is trending on social media, though.
But, she just started C25K and asked me to coach her through it. It was her idea, so we'll see how long it lasts.2 -
I supported my ex wife by encouraging her to take running classes with her coach. Now my current wife weighs zero pounds and I hope the ex wife and running coach are happy together.5
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"Successfully" gets a 'sort of' response from me. When my wife watched me use my fancy scale to observe it telling me (inaccurately) that my body fat was at 14%, and she heard me recount the year of down-trending progress in that number, she decided to step on the device and measure her own body fat. The scale told her that she was 50% fat, and that smote her spirit hard. She has slowly and haltingly made changes in her food and activity level for the past 7 months. Recently she showed me that she was once again able to wear rings that had previously been too small.5
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If you aren't the cook, maybe you can ask him if you can pick a new meal idea or two for the week and you can make them together. Try one new meal during the week and then make something new and healthy together with the kids. You don't have to mention that it is to get him to eat healthier, just tell him you want to help cook more and that it is a great way to have some family time. If the recipe is something he likes, ask him if he can make it once a week or every other week. If he doesn't care for it, move on to the next one. At the least he will be trying new, healthier foods and you may discover him moving towards healthier meals without realizing what he's doing. Just an idea!0
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@abetterme9366 wrote: »@SomebodyWakeUpHIcks has been helping and supporting his wife through her weight loss journey. Let's see what he can add?
I have found that the solution is to stop rubbing toilet paper all over yourself.1 -
I'm in the same boat. I desperately want DH to join me in getting healthy. He's making really small baby steps but they aren't enough and this has been going on for years. I've gotten really serious about my goals this time, I hope I can lead by example and motivate him to want to lose too. Is there a reason you don't cook? Maybe you can share in that and show him that healthy can still be delicious. I agree with most though, I felt guilty a long time but he's in charge of himself and I can't make him do anything.
I don't cook because of my work schedule (he gets home before I do), and he's a natural--everything he makes tastes good. I could take a stab at some weekend meal prepping though. I'll definitely be in the lookout for something that I can't mess up
. So that could take care of some dinners, but he's at work for breakfast and lunch and I have no idea what he's getting, other than like, breakfast burritos. 1 -
Basically no! But I would suggest some other types of things that may work on the sly! I think we generally don't like being left out so if you start doing something for the betterment of something this may nudge him in the right direction. I mean doing anything not having to do with food or exercise but that has a result of something being better. It could be taking better care of your hair (not saying you need too) or even if you have a pet just putting in a little more effort in brushing them,organizing your closet and having an easier time getting ready in the mornings . . . anything that shows that the extra effort results in a change that is worth it.
I started my weight loss after giving a friend a hug and noticing how cut he was getting just from his little 2 weeks going to the gym . . . use that Fear of Missing Out I think we all have a little of that! 1 -
My guy needed to lose weight (dr's orders) so wanting to be a supportive girlfriend I decided to join in. One of the reasons I joined him was because I didn't want him to feel left out when we go on dates, with me eating whatever and him being limited. Now our approaches to weightloss has been different, with him only keeping to his cals and I doing the gym but he is losing faster than I am. I don't push him to do what he doesn't want to do. Recently he told me he signed up for an aerobics class. I was shocked and happy because it's way out of his comfort zone but he was willing to try. Maybe your hubby feels deprived when he's on a diet? If he knows he can still have the foods he loves as long as it fits into his cals he'll feel better to try losing weight again?1
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Maybe ask him to join in on getting active? Jogging, swimming, weights, hiking? Get out of the house and do stuff together and have fun. I would also be very resistant to nagging (before I decided to lose weight) because I'm stubborn and would feel like my partner was treating me like a child but if my husband said hey come join me at tennis, swimming whatever I need a partner/motivation and make it about doing stuff together rather than telling him to lose weight and diet (which probably makes him feel like crap about himself) he's more likely to want to get involved.
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In all seriousness the best thing you can do is lead by example. ESPECIALLY when dealing with a guy. Eat well, exercise hard, let it spark his competitive instincts or let it inspire him when he sees your gains. I agree with what everyone says, it has to come from him. In a way nudging him to do it too hard will actually prevent him from doing it properly if he feels pressured.
It always has to come from within. Fitness is deeply personal. It is a personal journey, married or not.8 -
My husband was a big catalyst for my starting losing weight. It was a small thing, but I love swimming and he encouraged me to join the local adult swim club. It cost money, more than I would have ever spent on my health at the time, but he was like: "You love doing it, so let's invest in it. We can make sacrifices in other areas but this is important so let's make it work". I started swimming three times a week, then wanted to improve my performance in the pool so I did C25k on the other days...then decided I would track calories on here so I knew I wasn't undoing all that work... Etc etc. That one small thing snowballed into a million little changes that led me to lose 50+lb and be in the best shape ever. He never nagged, never hinted, never threatened. Even now he says he doesn't love me more at this weight than before, he's just happy I'm healthier. Surprisingly removing that pressure has made keeping the weight off way easier.5
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I'm firmly in the 'no, you can't' group.
In the past, we've dieted together, though never were able to keep it off longterm. We always did low carb, and had the usual pitfalls about low carb being unsustainable.
I've been counting at MFP for the past year and have started exercising. I've lost about 40# with the same left to go. He eats the same healthy meals as I do, but also snacks on large amounts of peanuts and other high calorie stuff. He has no interest in trying to track what he eats, even though it has worked much better for me, with less suffering than previous weight loss methods. He does tread water at the Y pool at least once or twice a week, but is limited to what kinds of exercise he can do because of other health issues.
In theory, he would like to lose weight, but isn't ready to actually start, so there's not much else I can do.1 -
Don't try to get him to lose weight. He probably is fighting a fear of failing at it. Since we use the MFP method. Just try to get him to log food and use a scale for portions. Ask him just to log it. Setup his profile to maintain current weight. When he hits the daily complete button and the 5 week projection comes up it might trigger something in him.1
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It definitely makes it easier to lose weight when your spouse is on board. My husband is trying to lose weight with me and I appreciate it because he wasn't very supportive in the past. He'd complain about healthy meals he called "bland". Made jokes no gravy, go on about he's a meat and potatoes guy. Etc.
I think if you could take over some cooking responsibilities that may help.
Do you do the grocery shopping? Stop buying junk food and substitute some items for much healthier choices.
Is his health impacted by his weight?
For a long time, it didn't seem like his health was noticeably affected. But this year at his eye doctor checkup (of all places), his blood pressure was super high and they sent him straight to his general doctor. That doctor was pretty blunt apparently and recommended the low carb diet.
Great point about taking on some of the healthy cooking (and shopping).0 -
My husband talked about wanting to lose weight for years, while I was the one trying different diets, losing a bit of weight and then putting it back on again. I had tried MFP a couple of times but didn't get serious about it until summer of 2014 (when I found a site called calorie king that made it very easy to get accurate measurements of food doing almost no math) and it took me about a year and a half to lose 55 pounds. He still wanted to lose, and we even started cycling together a lot, which he thought he could just eat whatever and exercise off the extra weight (which he was able to do when he was younger and was a competitive cyclist- he could eat tons of food then and was super thin). Well he did lose about 10 pounds without trying and then it stopped. He would make teasing comments to me like "I can't believe you're measuring that" or "you're weighing your food???" So my response was silence or just "Obviously it seems to be working for me". And finally after I was about at my goal he decided to try the MFP thing and has since lost about 40 pounds. I never in a million years thought he would go for counting calories but he has made it into kind of a game and seems to like it (he is not a detail person in general and finds it tedious to do things that require attention to detail, but when he does the details he is hyper focused on them). So no, you can only lead by example and if he wants to lose then he will.1
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Well, from a different side of the spectrum, my husband is helping me a great deal! He encourages me, eats the same meals as me and goes to the gym with me at 5:30am. He is naturally fit himself (I mean that literally, everyone in his family is genetically predispositioned to be ripped), muscles showing and everything without even regularly lifting weights. Yet he sees the benefit in being my encourager, and in being healthier over all. He really is the best, even when I want to punch him in the nose for waking me up at 5am. To be fair though, he didn't push me - he married me at 300lbs - I had to decide this was what I wanted for myself.1
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He's got to find what motivates him.
When I met my hubby he was very overweight and sick of it. He wanted to look good. He's made a HUGE transformation in the 10 years we've been married but it was 99% due to his own doing, not my own. I think he picked up an handful of cooking tricks from me overs the years and I've forced him to go to occasional doctor appointments but that's it. All the research, exercising and diet info he found and implemented on his own while I was making brownies and watching tv. It took awhile but now he's in amazing ab-tastic shape.
As for me, I've just started my diet/exercise journey. I'm done nursing my last baby and I wanted to do something for myself. I'm taking what I saw my hubby do over the years and picking out what I like. Otherwise, the changes to my diet and my new exercises are quite different from what he's done and it's my motivation and my desire that's getting it done. Frankly, when he tries to encourage me, it irritates me and makes me want to go sit back on the couch rather than go to the gym.
My hubby is motivated by vanity. I'm motivated by my stubbornness- I don't like doing what people tell me to do and I really like doing what people don't think I can do (like a little girl lifting weights). Some people are motivated by others supporting them. Everyone has to find what gives them the will to do it.1 -
I only make suggestions when he says something disparaging about himself. Otherwise he would find it rude.0
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My guy needed to lose weight (dr's orders) so wanting to be a supportive girlfriend I decided to join in. One of the reasons I joined him was because I didn't want him to feel left out when we go on dates, with me eating whatever and him being limited. Now our approaches to weightloss has been different, with him only keeping to his cals and I doing the gym but he is losing faster than I am. I don't push him to do what he doesn't want to do. Recently he told me he signed up for an aerobics class. I was shocked and happy because it's way out of his comfort zone but he was willing to try. Maybe your hubby feels deprived when he's on a diet? If he knows he can still have the foods he loves as long as it fits into his cals he'll feel better to try losing weight again?
Very good point. We are almost opposite--he will hit the gym, but won't change diet. It's possible that it's wanting to avoid feeling "hangry."0
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