No matter what i do it's never good enough.

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NerdTurd
NerdTurd Posts: 15 Member
in Motivation and Support
hi all.. hope you are doing well.
i am feeling like utter crap right now. i just needed to vent somewhere that i know maybe a lot of people like me on a weight loss journey can relate to.
so far i have lost 10 pounds by changing up my food habits. i don't eat junk food anymore.. i drink more water, i am more active and i have been eating pretty damn good for the past 4 months now.
however... no matter what i do it's never good enough to my parents.
i live on my own so i visit them every other weekend. during these weekends my mum will feed me all kinds of crap, if i don't eat it she will say things like "hmm fair enough but you are missing out" etc. but when i want something like today for example.. i wanted 1 can of cola... just 1. and she had ago at me and my weight. "i thought you were on a diet" i told her that i have been on a diet the past 4 months i deserve a treat now and then. she replies with "you will never get skinny if you keep at this"

another time this happened was the day after easter. i didn't get an easter egg while everyone else had one. so i decided to buy myself a small easter egg. my dad had ago at me.. he shook his head at me and said "you need to stop eating sh** all the time you will never lose weight. you are the perfect example of weight gain. you have no self control at all"
i told him i dnno what the hell he seems to think but i don't eat junk everyday this was a one off and told them to stop being in my business about it. it's my body, my life. they just both shook their heads at me in the car.

my mum told me they would promise to stop but i can't hardly eat anything without them having ago at me for it. i have started to develop an unhealthy relationship with my food. i don't eat much if anything all week because i just feel like utter crap. sometimes i think it would be better if i wasn't alive because then i wouldn't hear the constant negative horrible comments.

i am trying super hard to sort my life out and not even my parents have faith in me. it's really crushing me and my mental energy. sometimes i can't even get out of bed that i am so depressed.

thanks for taking the time to read and any support or kind words would be super appreciated right now. if you go through something similar please feel free to share.
i hope you are having a better day than me
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Replies

  • Momepro
    Momepro Posts: 1,509 Member
    edited July 2017
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    Remind them you love them, but you are an adult now and your eating habits are not thier business. You know to the quarter oz how much you need to lose, you know how to do it and you are on a plan that involves regular excercise, weigjing, and treats in moderation. You appreciate that they care and you love visiting, but negative judgements are unnecessary, unhelpful and undercutting the work you are doing on your own. Enough now.
    After that, when they bring it up, just firmly but calmly remind them that you aren't discussing that anymore, and change tbe subject. Immediately.
    If that doesn't help, consider cutting down on visits until everyone is more comfortable with your new lifestyle.
  • marelthu
    marelthu Posts: 184 Member
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    I'm sorry but your parents are jerks. They seem to enjoy causing you pain for some bizarre reason. Don't let them break you down. Accept that they're toxic and don't rise to the bait they throw at you. I would limit my visits to an hour and then leave. You're never going to change them so change the way you react to them. Don't give them control. You're doing wonderfully well and you should be proud of yourself. Keep going!
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
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    I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Change is hard. It is very common for the people around you to fight back when you try to change.

    Remember that these are the parents who brought you up to have the bad habits which allowed you to become overweight in the first place. It's not surprising that being around them is bad for changing your habits to new ones. I'm 49 years old and I still can't deal with the way my mother tries to feed me on holidays. They are the old dogs who can't learn new tricks. You go and be a younger dog, fix your own life, and let them carry on.

    Work out some coping strategies ahead of time to avoid their attempts to sabotage you and your diet - for example, you can plan to have healthy foods to eat instead of what your mother serves, or offer to help her make something healthy. Don't make purchases of food in front of them or bring up the subject which will allow them to be nasty, and if they do say something nasty, reply by saying that you're glad they are concerned about you.

    Not giving you an Easter egg may have been miscommunication - maybe they thought you wouldn't want one since you have been turning down junk. The way to avoid these situations is to discuss it ahead of time. For example, I told my mom I didn't want chocolate for Easter, but to go ahead and get some for my husband. Then my husband made me origami rabbits and put them in plastic eggs.

    Regarding my husband - the last bit of advice I have is to find some sort of support apart from your family. If you don't have anyone like that near you, then please lean on people here. I'll be happy to talk any time.
  • dholmes9
    dholmes9 Posts: 1 Member
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    Hi, some parents find it difficult to let go, no matter how old you are. They feel they have to have the last word and must always know best; i think it is how they perceive parenting. In my experience, I separated loving them as my parents and individuals on the one hand and seeking their approval on the other. We are more or less programmed from birth to seek the approval of our parents, but then there comes a point when we have to view them just as other people, some things we may like, others not. Your mother gave birth to you and nurtured you to be an adult, but that doesn't give them a blank cheque to behave as they do. So, given that parents hold a special place in our lives, even if it hurts and it is disappointing, try to switch off their criticism because they just don't know any better, which is the generous view; if they do know better and chose to behave the way they do, then they really do not deserve your respect. You can love them and care for them, but just ignore their negative comments, don't seek their approval, chose your own life! I know it can be tough, but basically you have to let them go.... good luck!
  • CoueCoue
    CoueCoue Posts: 69 Member
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    NerdTurd wrote: »

    20-30 mins went by and my mum came into the room and said she will start making me healthy food from now on then. rice and chicken/salads etc. i told her that would be lovely if she could do that, then there would be no room for anyone to have ago at me. *only time will tell if she sticks to it*.

    Sounds like you've made some great first steps, talking to your Mum....and that she has listened and said she would make an effort. Now, have faith in HER that she will live up to her promise just as you want her to have faith in you.

    BE the change you want to see. And all the best to you and your success!
  • Momepro
    Momepro Posts: 1,509 Member
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    Another little trick I do to, to remind my husband and friends that I am on a plan, is to offhandedly mention my "budget". I.E "I specifically ran an extra half hour and skipped two days worth of treats, because I knew you would have a great dessert planned for Dad's birthday..."
    Sometimes this helps diffuse the "You're not taking this seriously, why should we?" comments before they happen.
  • NerdTurd
    NerdTurd Posts: 15 Member
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    Momepro wrote: »
    Another little trick I do to, to remind my husband and friends that I am on a plan, is to offhandedly mention my "budget". I.E "I specifically ran an extra half hour and skipped two days worth of treats, because I knew you would have a great dessert planned for Dad's birthday..."
    Sometimes this helps diffuse the "You're not taking this seriously, why should we?" comments before they happen.

    that's quite a good idea, thank you =)
  • ansmit4642014
    ansmit4642014 Posts: 67 Member
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    My mother has been like this my whole life. Stop telling them about your diet diet plans. Find someone who will support you (feel free to add me if you want). If you have to limit your time with them then do what you have to. Don't be afraid to put them in their place.
  • cbeutler
    cbeutler Posts: 667 Member
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    Lot's of us have difficulty dealing with long term relationships and food. In some ways you and I can be grateful that it isn't a spouse giving us *kitten*. That would be very difficult to deal with. I had to accept that I invited comments from my family by sharing too much over the years. I would enlist there help, talk about which crazy diet I was on for decades as I got bigger and bigger.

    In the end I stopped talking about it with my family, and when they make a comment I really try and down play it, good or bad. It took a long time to let their behavior change. So I acknowledged my part in it silently. Then I'd change the subject to something else.

    I also cut down the frequency I saw them. It helped me to remember in my case, they were trying to be supportive. They just honestly weren't very good at it.

    Good luck,
    Craig
  • maxinebeatrice
    maxinebeatrice Posts: 2 Member
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    Don't let other people break your spirit! They don't know what It feels like. they haven't been in our shoes. I know they're your parents but if you're not getting the support you needed from them, it's time to find other people who will help you and not kick you when you're down.
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,031 Member
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    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    Stop visiting them. Life is too short for toxic family.

    Exactly! Life is too short to spend time around ppl that wear you down, no matter who they are! Also save your occasional treats for when you can truly enjoy them, doesn't sound like your parents house is the place you can enjoy them. @ NerdTurd

  • Meaganinsardinia
    Meaganinsardinia Posts: 42 Member
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    Momepro wrote: »
    Another little trick I do to, to remind my husband and friends that I am on a plan, is to offhandedly mention my "budget". I.E "I specifically ran an extra half hour and skipped two days worth of treats, because I knew you would have a great dessert planned for Dad's birthday..."
    Sometimes this helps diffuse the "You're not taking this seriously, why should we?" comments before they happen.

    What a clever idea. I hope this works for OP! :)
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,172 Member
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    I'm so glad to see that you spoke directly to your mom. That's a great first step in setting up boundaries. Maybe you can come up with some strategy for every time they take a dig at you. Say the same thing every time. "Oh well, I'm reaching my goals doing what I'm doing." Then change the subject. "Do you have any travel plans? How about this weather! Have you heard anything new from Aunt Clara?"

    Then there's still the possibility of your talking to a counselor once or twice to get some ideas about how to better cope with your parent's comments. You can't necessarily change them, but you can change how you view and react to them.
  • jennybearlv
    jennybearlv Posts: 1,519 Member
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    My mother is a handful, so I will text her and stuff but even when we lived in the same city I would only see her a couple times a year. Unfortunately I married a man that likes to tell me what to do and get in my business. 100% sure he got that from his parents who I avoid even more than my own mother. I learned early in my marriage to either fight for what's important or just give no response to everything that is not. Your parents will learn that you won't back down and have to respect your choices or just have to deal with their nagging being ignored.
  • willnevergiveup
    willnevergiveup Posts: 138 Member
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    I'd give one warning "I don't want to hear anything you have to say about my weight and diet". If it continues, stop seeing them. It took me years and years to figure out I could never do enough to please my mother. Academics are important? I graduated university with honors at age 20. No comment. You want grandchildren? I had four kids (the only grandkids) although I did that for me and my DH, not her. Still. "Why did you have so many children?" My hair was too short or too long. I wore too much make-up or not enough. My dresses were too short or too long. I'd bring her a cup of tea and there was always something wrong with it--not enough milk or too much, too strong or too weak, too cold or too hot. I didn't see her the last 20 years of her life. And when she died, I finally had peace. I am blessed with a DH who's loved me whatever my size and who's only comment when I bring him coffee is "thank you!", said with a smile. Life is to dang short.

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