Gym stalkers?
Replies
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
Don't forget that the ability to blow of some steam to a "stranger" works both ways. Her chatting to you probably makes her feel better because she isn't bottling things up and likewise you know that if you have a crappy day at work or anywhere you can probably vent about it to her and then just get on with your day.
So perhaps the "be kind but exit quickly" approach can have a few "be kind and stand around chatting" days as well.
No one is obligated to be anyone's shrink.
No one has said she should be.1 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
This was good. You're fine!
I have people in the gym who I consider my gym buddies. Sometimes we talk for extended periods of time...sometimes we all IGNORE each other, and sometimes we do exactly what you did with her. A quick hello and enjoy your workout. It's normal at the gym.1 -
So ... tonight I was running late because of work guests in town. I was rolling in to the gym right as she was leaving. She said "Oh, I was worried that you weren't here." That's a little ... odd ... I think. But I just said "Thanks - just busy at work. Have a good night." I guess I don't mind the chit chat as much as the fixation. But thinking that seems narcissistic and I hope I am not that!
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buffalogal42 wrote: »So ... tonight I was running late because of work guests in town. I was rolling in to the gym right as she was leaving. She said "Oh, I was worried that you weren't here." That's a little ... odd ... I think. But I just said "Thanks - just busy at work. Have a good night." I guess I don't mind the chit chat as much as the fixation. But thinking that seems narcissistic and I hope I am not that!
You're her BFF in her head. That can be harmless or dangerous depending on the person.5 -
You do realize that you're hurting her feelings (more) by not speaking up, right?
If you truly believe she's got an unhealthy fixation on you, alert the staff and police. Otherwise, talk to her already. She may be trying to befriend you and not realize how she's coming across. Unless you want her to leave you alone entirely, let her know your boundaries - a true friend, heck any decent person, will want to respect and make an effort to honor those. If she does persist or get worse after all that, though...definitely report it to the manager.8 -
asianolikeyou wrote: »But thinking that seems narcissistic and I hope I am not that!
it's not narcissism unless you think 'gee, she's got all kinds of alternative people who would be happy to have her yapping at them, and she picked meeeeeeeeeeee out of that cast of thousands to do it to'
not bloody likely, by the sounds of her. more likely she's only 'fixated' in the sense that nobody else will put up with her, so when she does find a source she has to work it to death. she sounds selfish, if you ask me. selfish people don't get a lot of my sympathy.
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asianolikeyou wrote: »You do realize that you're hurting her feelings (more) by not speaking up, right?
If you truly believe she's got an unhealthy fixation on you, alert the staff and police. Otherwise, talk to her already. She may be trying to befriend you and not realize how she's coming across. Unless you want her to leave you alone entirely, let her know your boundaries - a true friend, heck any decent person, will want to respect and make an effort to honor those. If she does persist or get worse after all that, though...definitely report it to the manager.
tell the police that an old lady is talking to her in the gym too much?? really??15 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »Lol, ok that is too strong a term. But I have an older lady at the gym who seems to have latched on to me. I have seen her there over the past couple years but a couple months ago she introduced herself to me when the gym was quiet and said she had been "too scared to talk to me." I am very friendly at the gym so I chatted a bit and started making sure I said "hi" or "have a nice workout" when I saw her. A few times she cornered me and rattled off every single thing about her life, family drama, medical problems, etc. I always try to gently exit by saying I had to get to class or I was done and had somewhere to be.
Fast forward a couple months and she changed her schedule to work out when I am there (she told me as much) so she could chat with me. She seems to be watching my husband and me and corners me to comment on our workouts, outfits, progress, etc. (She picks the cardio machine right outside the locker area so there is no avoiding passing her if heading back that way). And today she told me the best part of her day was when she got to the gym and saw I was there working out.
She is nice (and clearly a little lonely) and I am trying to be polite but some days I am a little creeped out. I am totally not a conflict person ... and I hate hurting people's feelings. Should I just suck it up and devote 10 minutes to talking to her each day (she works out like a beast and has made a huge transformation - she told me she was "trying to keep up with me")? Or does anyone have any graceful suggestions for me to extricate myself? ;-)
Is she REALLY doing you, or your workout, any harm? Is that 10 minutes a day that great an imposition? You are the "best part of her day" (kinda sad if you think about your response ("but some days I am a little creeped out"). Why? What does she say that "creeps you out"? Is your work out really that jammed packed that you can not spare a few minutes to make an old lady's day? You can't talk, make polite conversation, during the break between sets, to make the life of someone else a little more tolerable? That's kinda sad, too.13 -
I know how precious gym time is, but if there was someone at my gym that was acting like that towards me i'd slow down and think about the important things in life , and making someones day is kinda special. We don't know everyone's back stories, and sometimes a few minutes of our time make a difference in someones life. I agree that it can cramp our gym time, but if it were me, i'd suck it up and slow myself down and give her some time, you just never know.
When i was younger, i blew off older people that seemed creepy They were just lonely and i regret it now, i wish i hadn't been like that.
This reminds me of a valuable lesson I learned once. It was a creepy older lady that would talk to me at work like this lady is doing you. I would get frustrated and blow her off because I wanted to do my work and I like working alone. She was the nicest lady, but annoying af. Fast forward, I recall planning for my wedding and being stressed out that I didn't have all the pieces. Turned out that she had been married and even engaged a couple times and she gifted me EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I NEEDED. It was beautiful, new things too. In the end, she became a life long friend, even after I ignored her all those months. I'm so happy that I snapped out of it. Sometimes, people need you for whatever reason, and you never know how they will come through for you.
Also, kudos for her to (quietly) making you her mentor and getting in shape. That alone should make you feel good.
But if it REALLY bothers you. Maybe wave to her and if she proceeds to talking, say something like, "I'm sorry, my schedule has changed and as soon as I get to the gym I have to hit the ground running and get out of here on a scheduled time. You look good, keep up the hard work!"4 -
buffalogal42 wrote: »I am appreciating all these suggestions. I went to the gym today and of course she was there on her favorite machine so I had to pass her as I walked in to drop my stuff off. I said hello and she almost immediately started telling me about her husband's current medical issue. I listened for a minute and then said "Oh wow, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I'll leave you alone to work off your stress. Have a good workout." And I waved goodbye. I put my headphones on in the back and walked past with a purpose on my way to the floor.
So ... we'll see. It seems she can't "read a
room" but also that she has a lot going on in her life. I'll try the "be kind but exit quickly" approach for now!
Didn't see this. Yes this was a great way to handle it.0 -
See, this is why I asked here. In my "real life" I have several people saying "creepy - call the cops/mgmt" and others saying "just be nice." I am in no way leaning toward cops/mgmt. Lol - I really do think she is just a lonely lady (for whatever reason!) who latched on to my initial kindness.
Telling this situation to impartial Internet folks has helped me realize that I can handle it how I have been lately (chat when I can and exit quickly when I can't) and probably be just fine ...
Unless she shows up one day and boils my bunny! ;-)7 -
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buffalogal42 wrote: »See, this is why I asked here. In my "real life" I have several people saying "creepy - call the cops/mgmt" and others saying "just be nice." I am in no way leaning toward cops/mgmt. Lol - I really do think she is just a lonely lady (for whatever reason!) who latched on to my initial kindness.
Telling this situation to impartial Internet folks has helped me realize that I can handle it how I have been lately (chat when I can and exit quickly when I can't) and probably be just fine ...
Unless she shows up one day and boils my bunny! ;-)
i'm glad you are figuring it out and taking the nicer route and not calling the cops on a lonely old lady lol. This makes you a good person.
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Seems like you are her inspiration. As long as she is not eating up all ur gym time be polite with the small talk and move on. You are her shero. Awwww1
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This was a comical gym experience. Thank you for sharing . And I too am glad you found a gentle way of handling this situation after all the lady is a elder with some obvious things going on and it sounds like you were her sound board or just a listening ear. Again thanks for sharing 1
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Sooo ... what if, in the process of trying to be a nice, good person ... you find out that your "gym stalker" has beliefs completely the opposite of you?? I had lots of time yesterday so I made it a point to chat with her ... she almost immediately launched into a rant about how she had disowned her granddaughter for coming out as gay and moving to CA with her girlfriend. I knew she was super religious (I am not but try to be "no judgement" on that subject). But the vitriol I heard made me uncomfortable as my beliefs are very different. I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere but own off by the whole thing ... eventually I said "Gotta go, have a good day!"
(I mean, she has seen me in my "Equality" workout shirt!)0 -
lol, well now we know why she's lonely! i probably woulda said something like that is *kitten* to disown your granddaughter for that and i'm glad you aren't my grandmother. Just because you are friendly doesn't mean you have to be friends.4
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There's nothing to be gained by engaging and I would actually find that kind of talk a pollution and unwelcome. Shorter pleasantries from now on, methinks.1
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buffalogal42 wrote: »Sooo ... what if, in the process of trying to be a nice, good person ... you find out that your "gym stalker" has beliefs completely the opposite of you?? I had lots of time yesterday so I made it a point to chat with her ... she almost immediately launched into a rant about how she had disowned her granddaughter for coming out as gay and moving to CA with her girlfriend. I knew she was super religious (I am not but try to be "no judgement" on that subject). But the vitriol I heard made me uncomfortable as my beliefs are very different. I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere but own off by the whole thing ... eventually I said "Gotta go, have a good day!"
(I mean, she has seen me in my "Equality" workout shirt!)
At that point I'd be cutting off the relationship. I'm all for being polite, but if someone has such completely incompatible opinions and beliefs with me, I'm afraid I can't keep up the charade. I'd have cut the conversation off and in future would not be rude but would actively avoid anything but exchanging hellos if necessary.5 -
I likely would have dropped the nice guy look and told her my my opinion. I would not have been excessively rude I just think sometimes people need to stand up for their beliefs. Then again I can be an opinionated *kitten*.
Honestly why would anyone bring up family business to a stranger anyway. That's like touching the third rail like politics, religion, or pie vs' cake.
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I likely would have dropped the nice guy look and told her my my opinion. I would not have been excessively rude I just think sometimes people need to stand up for their beliefs. Then again I can be an opinionated *kitten*.
Honestly why would anyone bring up family business to a stranger anyway. That's like touching the third rail like politics, religion, or pie vs' cake.
Agreed. I figure people bring it up so that you will either agree with them or speak out against it and give them an opportunity to grandstand their views.0 -
Wow.... I would avoid all contact now. And this is why she's so lonely. There's always a reason.5
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All of my workout gear would be rainbow from now on. All. Of. It.23
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i am all for being nice and friendly to someone who likes to chat when you bump into them by chance....however, she admitted to changing her schedule to workout when you do-i do think that borders on creepy but she is getting cut slack because she is an older lady...had this been an older man i dont think many would think that was ok.
your approach with being polite and making a quick exit was right i think.
Now that she has shown her true colours with totally different beliefs i would definitely not be quite so polite anymore!3 -
You come across as a very nice person, and now you are paying a price for your kindness. It sounds like she is absorbing a tremendous amount of your attention and making an otherwise positive part of your life, the gym, a stressful environment. You really have no choice at this point than to be very short with her - not rude, just short. Say hi, smile, maybe say a sentence or two, and then excuse yourself. Do this consistently and never allow yourself to get roped into a lengthy conversation again, and she will have no choice but to move on...1
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buffalogal42 wrote: »Sooo ... what if, in the process of trying to be a nice, good person ... you find out that your "gym stalker" has beliefs completely the opposite of you?? I had lots of time yesterday so I made it a point to chat with her ... she almost immediately launched into a rant about how she had disowned her granddaughter for coming out as gay and moving to CA with her girlfriend. I knew she was super religious (I am not but try to be "no judgement" on that subject). But the vitriol I heard made me uncomfortable as my beliefs are very different. I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere but own off by the whole thing ... eventually I said "Gotta go, have a good day!"
(I mean, she has seen me in my "Equality" workout shirt!)
And we find the down side of being a good person. Looks like "Gotta go, have a good day!" is your go to line from now on.
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buffalogal42 wrote: »Sooo ... what if, in the process of trying to be a nice, good person ... you find out that your "gym stalker" has beliefs completely the opposite of you?? I had lots of time yesterday so I made it a point to chat with her ... she almost immediately launched into a rant about how she had disowned her granddaughter for coming out as gay and moving to CA with her girlfriend. I knew she was super religious (I am not but try to be "no judgement" on that subject). But the vitriol I heard made me uncomfortable as my beliefs are very different. I tried to steer the conversation elsewhere but own off by the whole thing ... eventually I said "Gotta go, have a good day!"
(I mean, she has seen me in my "Equality" workout shirt!)
you needed to have said something at this point. You don't have to be mean- but this was the time to have said something.
You've done a good job managing I would say up until this point- And I think it's reasonable to have a conversation with her next time you have time...
"you know- I was thinking about what you said about your granddaughter/disowning bla bla bla he other day... and - you know- we are reasonably comfortable with each other at this point yes? are you interested in an opinion?"
And if she says yes- tell her that it's horrifically judgmental and rude to disown someone for being true to one's self- and it says a lot about her- and it makes you uncomfortable b/c you thought better of her (or however you want to spin it)-
If she says no (there is no world in which she would at this point say no)- then well- you can say - well okay- thanks- and walk away.
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As a trainer, I get people all the time who want to talk to me just to talk. And many times politely I just have to say "I have to cut you short because I have a client to attend to" or "I have to cut you short because I'm limited on my time for exercise". Then add, "Maybe when there's more time, I could chat with you, but my gym time is actually limited."
Many times they get the hint from it. If they continue, then you keep using the same line.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Argh. Thanks for the advice, everyone. I am so awkward with difficult public situations and this has thrown me off. But I am going to minimize contact - headphones on, moving with a purpose and being direct about my time limitations and views if I have to. And I am totally buying more rainbow workout gear!2
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buffalogal42 wrote: »Argh. Thanks for the advice, everyone.
yeah; ugh. you owe her nothing and like i said, some people are 'lonely' #because reasons.
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