Deleting

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llaurenmarie
llaurenmarie Posts: 1,260 Member
edited August 2017 in Motivation and Support
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  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
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    It depends on what you consider support. My hubby watches the kids while I gym as long as I want or need to. He eats anything I cook.
    However, I don't expect him to change himself, nor do I expect my kids to go without snacks or treats.
    There's always an abundance of snacks and treats in the house and I don't expect that to stop just because I'm on some kick.

    Why don't you sit him down and discuss what you expect of him and come to a reasonable compromise?
  • llaurenmarie
    llaurenmarie Posts: 1,260 Member
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    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    It depends on what you consider support. My hubby watches the kids while I gym as long as I want or need to. He eats anything I cook.
    However, I don't expect him to change himself, nor do I expect my kids to go without snacks or treats.
    There's always an abundance of snacks and treats in the house and I don't expect that to stop just because I'm on some kick.

    Why don't you sit him down and discuss what you expect of him and come to a reasonable compromise?

    Well I have told him I need more reassurance from him but it never seems to come. I suppose I am interested to see if things change if I lose the weight again.

    I can understand where he is coming from, that I didn't keep "taking care of myself". I've just been through a lot emotionally and am trying to juggle a lot of things at once, on my own.

    It's a 30lb gain, if that makes any difference.
  • Lizakabibbis
    Lizakabibbis Posts: 370 Member
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    I don't expect him (or my son) to follow my food/exercise rules. He eats whatever he wants in front of me, doesn't work out, and keeps all kinds of junk in the house. I can't expect him to be on the same journey as I am. I do all the cooking so he eats what I put in front of him. But I always add a pasta or some form of carb that I don't necessarily eat.

    He doesn't complain when I don't want to eat out, "cheat" or that I'm up at 4am making noise every morning to go to the gym. I feel like that is his way of supporting me. lol is it really support? I dunno....but I've set myself up for this way of living and I just continue to do me.
  • llaurenmarie
    llaurenmarie Posts: 1,260 Member
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    TeacupsAndToning wrote: »
    For the first few months of me committing to MFP I was on my own. I would exercise most days and I would enter all of my food into my diary and that was that. He wasn't being un-supportive or telling me to stop, but he wasn't involved in it and frankly, I didn't have an issue with that. He didn't complain when I would leave to work out and he didn't complain when I would make different food choices for us so I actually felt like that was him showing me that he supported my decision to make a change.
    That makes sense. I don't want to make anyone else's life change(like not keeping snacks in the house) and his food choices are not terrible. But I have always gone hard or gone home and it means not eating out or drinking. I am just trying to find balance and I am really struggling.

  • llaurenmarie
    llaurenmarie Posts: 1,260 Member
    edited August 2017
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  • fjmartini
    fjmartini Posts: 1,149 Member
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    I wouldn't advice counting on anyone for anything that YOU want to achieve. You sort of sound like you want to lay the blame on him for you not doing what's necessary.
  • Penthesilea514
    Penthesilea514 Posts: 1,189 Member
    edited August 2017
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    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    It depends on what you consider support. My hubby watches the kids while I gym as long as I want or need to. He eats anything I cook.
    However, I don't expect him to change himself, nor do I expect my kids to go without snacks or treats.
    There's always an abundance of snacks and treats in the house and I don't expect that to stop just because I'm on some kick.

    Why don't you sit him down and discuss what you expect of him and come to a reasonable compromise?

    ^This is how my DH and I are in general (no kids though). When I cook, he eats it. When he cooks (tons of butter usually), I eat what I can with my calories. I don't expect him to cook differently for me. He knows I have poor self control with treats in the house, but we still buy him some items so he can enjoy them. We also buy ground turkey instead of ground beef in deference to my food preferences. But he never really "cheers" me on or gets excited like I do to talk about my lifting routine (his eyes glaze over). But overall, I feel like I am supported by him, even if it isn't super overt.

    If he is truly negative/spiteful about your weight loss, that is one thing, but if he is generally indifferent, I wouldn't call it a deal breaker. Some people don't get as excited about these things as others do. So I think I would strongly recommend Chef_Barbell's suggestion of having a discussion about what you both want/need and find some middle ground.
  • llaurenmarie
    llaurenmarie Posts: 1,260 Member
    edited August 2017
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    .

  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
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    llaurenmarie wrote: »
    Lizakabibbis wrote: »
    I don't expect him (or my son) to follow my food/exercise rules. He eats whatever he wants in front of me, doesn't work out, and keeps all kinds of junk in the house. I can't expect him to be on the same journey as I am. I do all the cooking so he eats what I put in front of him. But I always add a pasta or some form of carb that I don't necessarily eat.

    He doesn't complain when I don't want to eat out, "cheat" or that I'm up at 4am making noise every morning to go to the gym. I feel like that is his way of supporting me. lol is it really support? I dunno....but I've set myself up for this way of living and I just continue to do me.
    I'm glad to be hearing these are ways of support. I guess I just was very sad at the fact the way he treated me changed when I gained. I thought the right person wouldn't withhold affection even if you're struggling.

    This is alarming OP.. What do you mean he withholds affection when you gained? That's not healthy at all.
  • llaurenmarie
    llaurenmarie Posts: 1,260 Member
    edited August 2017
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    .
  • Penthesilea514
    Penthesilea514 Posts: 1,189 Member
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    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    llaurenmarie wrote: »
    Lizakabibbis wrote: »
    I don't expect him (or my son) to follow my food/exercise rules. He eats whatever he wants in front of me, doesn't work out, and keeps all kinds of junk in the house. I can't expect him to be on the same journey as I am. I do all the cooking so he eats what I put in front of him. But I always add a pasta or some form of carb that I don't necessarily eat.

    He doesn't complain when I don't want to eat out, "cheat" or that I'm up at 4am making noise every morning to go to the gym. I feel like that is his way of supporting me. lol is it really support? I dunno....but I've set myself up for this way of living and I just continue to do me.
    I'm glad to be hearing these are ways of support. I guess I just was very sad at the fact the way he treated me changed when I gained. I thought the right person wouldn't withhold affection even if you're struggling.

    This is alarming OP.. What do you mean he withholds affection when you gained? That's not healthy at all.

    Yeah, this is different than being unsupportive.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,644 Member
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    llaurenmarie wrote: »
    Chef_Barbell wrote: »
    llaurenmarie wrote: »
    Lizakabibbis wrote: »
    I don't expect him (or my son) to follow my food/exercise rules. He eats whatever he wants in front of me, doesn't work out, and keeps all kinds of junk in the house. I can't expect him to be on the same journey as I am. I do all the cooking so he eats what I put in front of him. But I always add a pasta or some form of carb that I don't necessarily eat.

    He doesn't complain when I don't want to eat out, "cheat" or that I'm up at 4am making noise every morning to go to the gym. I feel like that is his way of supporting me. lol is it really support? I dunno....but I've set myself up for this way of living and I just continue to do me.
    I'm glad to be hearing these are ways of support. I guess I just was very sad at the fact the way he treated me changed when I gained. I thought the right person wouldn't withhold affection even if you're struggling.

    This is alarming OP.. What do you mean he withholds affection when you gained? That's not healthy at all.
    Well his optimism on our relationship is gone. He now says "the honeymoon phase is over" and he will just have to stick it out for the rest of his life going through the motions. "That's what everyone does". And just like only kissing now goodbye.

    I would suggest counseling. But if the relationship isn't that old, I would personally cut my losses.

    You can always ask him directly wtf does he mean by that.
  • amtyrell
    amtyrell Posts: 1,449 Member
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    I am single. It seems to me if single folks can lose weight without any support why would having a neutral partner be any different
  • noirelb
    noirelb Posts: 216 Member
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    llaurenmarie wrote: »
    TeacupsAndToning wrote: »
    For the first few months of me committing to MFP I was on my own. I would exercise most days and I would enter all of my food into my diary and that was that. He wasn't being un-supportive or telling me to stop, but he wasn't involved in it and frankly, I didn't have an issue with that. He didn't complain when I would leave to work out and he didn't complain when I would make different food choices for us so I actually felt like that was him showing me that he supported my decision to make a change.
    That makes sense. I don't want to make anyone else's life change(like not keeping snacks in the house) and his food choices are not terrible. But I have always gone hard or gone home and it means not eating out or drinking. I am just trying to find balance and I am really struggling.

    I've done this all of the previous times in relationships and it worked as I didn't live with them but I ate meticulously when I wasn't with them. Now that I'm living with my fiancé and have a son, I do like the ladies above. There are snacks and some nights after a work out I tell my fiancé I'd prefer no junk beside me while we watch Netflix but we will still do that on other nights and I'll have chips and add how many on my diary. What's different this time is that I am not going hard or going home but simply staying in my calories with all types of food...and I feel so much better about it. I have a cookie every night with my son and like another lady above, I add pasta to my son and fiancé's meal or potatoes and don't have some myself. If I go to a friends house (we have a very upbeat social life) I have water or 1 or 2 drinks and add them to my diary. I think it makes it easier because I truly believe I can lead a normal life this way and I also do not binge because I allow myself that cookie every day or pizza slice every week. My fiancé does not diet but keeps telling me I'm beautiful/sexy or doing great (he still said it when I was much bigger). Before starting, i was sure I was only gonna lose if I went all out and no snacks in the house and he was very against that.
    He also understands that I am somewhat often on MFP due to logging but he also loves that it's a big source of motivation for me. I suggest that you try to not go hard or go home. It relieves a lot of stress BUT I think I have seen another thread of yours before and believe your BF is not supportive if you gain weight. You have to love another person even if they are 30lbs bigger. You really think you will be that thin at 60 years old or after pregnancies...and will he? If that is a source of stress... it's not a good fit. What matter is worrying about their health (if someone is obese or can't conceive due to weight or pre-diabetic... blahblah)

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