Why are you doing it!

What beautiful children! As a mom of a college student now, I'm just telling you to spend every moment you can rejoicing in the little things -- bedtimes and singing silly songs and jumping on the furniture. Have fun! I will share that for whatever reason, I spent decades (DECADES!) getting up every morning with an intention of losing 20 lbs. There was no "aha" moment for me, but last summer I realized that I never really meant it. If I had, I would have lost those 20 lbs. So, last August, I started logging every day and every bite on MFP -- I not only SAID I was going to lose 20 lbs., but I DID lose 20 lbs. I started doing power yoga (flow yoga done in 90 degrees) in January (another goal I had always had but never really acted on -- practice yoga) and now I'm side planking with ease (I'm going to be 60 yrs. old in a few months!) AND I'm working on poses (Crow, Full Wheel , and handstand!) and I WILL GET THERE! I can do push ups (High plank, low plank) for the first time in my life (on vacation recently, I started every morning with 30 push ups! REAL push ups!) and at a celebration for a friend's birthday in a bar recently, a complete stranger came up and complimented me on my arms. My husband got a kick out of that one! I've lost 30 lbs. and would like to lose another 5-8 -- and keep getting stronger. I like the feeling of lightness. I like the feeling of strength. DON'T WAIT like I did! That's my advice -- that, and eat your greens!

I am really struggling with this right now. I am not very good at being intrinsically motivated. I need a date, a weight and a reason to get there. Right now, I have none of those.

A year ago, I needed to lose 65 lbs by a certain date (July21) to go on a 10 day backpacking expedition with my kids.
I met my goal, made weight, expedition has come and gone, a good time was had by all, and lifetime memories were made.

But now it is over, and I find myself in a real funk. I seriously cannot come up with a reason for "why" to continue. Why eat the same boring and unappetizing food day in and day out? Why continue to deny myself and sacrifice for no reason? There is nothing to look forward to. No reason. Nothing on the horizon. Then come the "shoulds". I "should" lose another 20 pounds. I "should" continue what I started. You "should" feel better than you did at 300 pounds.

Yes, I should, and I do, physically, but emotionally I should also be able to eat a double cheeseburger and side of onion rings with a REAL Coke...like with sugar and caffeine and everything...and not feel like the world is glaring at me. I've been to the Doctor, and none of the "old, fat guy" stuff has gone away. Still pre-diabetic, still have sleep apnea, still have chronic heartburn, still clinically depressed. Oh, and now my cholesterol is too high.

After reading some of the stories on here, I realize my struggle seems trivial and unimportant. But it is mine. It is all I have.

why am I trying to lose 20 pounds? because I am only 47 and feel very very old. because I have a slipped disc in my back that is incredibly painful and I want to recover from the surgery well and quickly. because I am tired of looking lumpy and soft.

In 2016 I got super in shape. I was working out and eating right. In 2017 I got engaged and have been super happy. That being said my diet has not been good. Fortunately, I have continued workout. I have gained weight and will be getting married in 5 weeks. I can't seem to eat right. Today I have decided to buckle down. What motivates me is my wedding day.