Do you live with an enabler?

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  • sio2yd
    sio2yd Posts: 10 Member
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    I lived with an enabler for years...I finally realized it one day. Unfortunately, it was after the enabler moved out. I thought all those years he was just being nice to me. I would start a diet, he would show up with candy... I would lose myself. Sometimes I would start a diet... and he would bring food home... food I could not eat at times that where not good to eat. Well he moved out and found himself someone new. It woke me up and I found that after he was gone weight started to come off better. Now I have put all the effort into getting my life back to where I started. I had never been heavy, and I used to eat like a horse. I thought I was gaining a lil weight so I cut back to 800 calories a day... and gained 100 lbs.. I decided on a personal trainer. In the beginning it was a few lbs and a few sizes. OMG... she had me eat breakfast and I started losing weight. What I finally learned is that I can eat and I need to eat, but the how, what and when really play in. I actually started eating more then I ate before but started eating more often and lost 40lbs. but I still need to lose more weight.... but I am working on it.
  • MamaKatel
    MamaKatel Posts: 180
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    I DEFINATELY LIVE WITH AN ENABLER. DOESN'T SUPPORT ME AT ALL. ALWAYS PUTTING FOOD IN MY FACE SAYING EAT THIS WON'T HURT YOU. JUST A LITTLE. ALWAYS WANTING TO EAT OUT. ACTS LIKE HE DOESN'T LIKE LOWFAT OR LITE FOOD BUT WHEN I STOCK UP ON MY FOOD HE EATS IT UP . HE CALLS ME FAT. I HAVE NO SUPPORT EXCEPT FOR MY SON AND GRANDDAUGHTER. THEY BACK ME ALL THE WAY. THIS LOSING WEIGHT TRIP IS REALLY GETTING HARD TO DO.
    [/quote



    I am in the same situation! My husband thinks the whole eating healthy thing is a joke and tries to hinder me from succeeding :/
  • ansonrinesmith
    ansonrinesmith Posts: 755 Member
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    My husband doesn't like me thin, or even at a healthy weight. Never suspected him to be a chubby chaser, as we've been together for almost 12 years and when I've caught him looking at other women they couldn't have weighed more than 130 (always thought he prefered them thin). Mine just gets mad at me when I go to bed at 9, and expects me to stay up late with him watching the late shows like we used to do. He tries bringing me home garbage food or tries to taunt me with ice cream but I don't cave in. I stopped nagging on him last year. When his health declines as a result of his crappy eating, he'll learn. I admit, it is hard though b/c it almost destroyed our marriage.
    It may not be that he is a "chubby chaser" or that he even prefers you heavy. He could be insecure and think that you are trying to lose weight for other reasons.
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
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    I DEFINATELY LIVE WITH AN ENABLER. DOESN'T SUPPORT ME AT ALL. ALWAYS PUTTING FOOD IN MY FACE SAYING EAT THIS WON'T HURT YOU. JUST A LITTLE. ALWAYS WANTING TO EAT OUT. ACTS LIKE HE DOESN'T LIKE LOWFAT OR LITE FOOD BUT WHEN I STOCK UP ON MY FOOD HE EATS IT UP . HE CALLS ME FAT. I HAVE NO SUPPORT EXCEPT FOR MY SON AND GRANDDAUGHTER. THEY BACK ME ALL THE WAY. THIS LOSING WEIGHT TRIP IS REALLY GETTING HARD TO DO.
    I say girl hide your healthy food!! I'm serious! LOL I told my husband hun I am not making two meals so whatever I eat you and the kids will have to or you will run out of money awfully quick getting takeout every night. He jumped on bored very quick. I slowly snuck veggies into meals like rices and casseroles and burgers till he knew he wasn't gonna win! I got him good cuz he loves my cooking and without it he would be miserable! ;p
  • ansonrinesmith
    ansonrinesmith Posts: 755 Member
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    I think it *may* be. I've over analyzed it so many times I'm just over it. I'm just learning to accept he and I are on two different paths, but opposites do attract and I do love him but I'm just worried about the life he leads. I would love someone to train with but I've given up hope. He has admitted he doesn't like the male attention I get. Never bothers me either way, but I think he could feel insecure.
    Read this after I posted my other reply. Yeah, if you are getting more male attention, that is a likely cause of his dislike for your weight loss. I'm sure there have been arguments, but have you sat down and talked to him, explained that you are doing this to be health so that you and he can live long happy lives together?
  • shanefg
    shanefg Posts: 29 Member
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    I thought I’d also add without being racist as I am a mixed bag of English French and Portuguese myself from way back. Some Europeans in general get offended if you don’t eat what they dish lol. They also get offended if you don’t eat seconds and thirds. This doesn’t help lol.
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
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    I havent even started to lose yet (at least, no weigh ins yet...) and my hubby is already starting to make comments about him not liking skinny women and that i better not loose too much. I was getting mad at first, but then I just realized that any enabler is just fueled by their own emotions and insecurities. I have been trying to pay him more attention and ignore the comments, and its starting to get better. I don't know if that will work for you but sometimes if you adress the real problem (like my hubby worrying about me getting skinny and going to find some "fresh meat" as he called it) and ignore the negativity then it should help them realize that you are doing it for both of you and not one or the other.
    so true, I definitely agree with that!!
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
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    I thought I’d also add without being racist as I am a mixed bag of English French and Portuguese myself from way back. Some Europeans in general get offended if you don’t eat what they dish lol. They also get offended if you don’t eat seconds and thirds. This doesn’t help lol.
    LOL another English Portuguese here and well Sicilian and Scottish. Yeah I am a euro-mutt. LOL My sicilian side oh God how that bloodline LOVES food!
  • AakifahSiebert
    AakifahSiebert Posts: 65
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    I live with my parents right now, and while my mom doesn't "intend" to be an enabler, she is. She is very overweight, but won't do anything about it other than complain about it and put herself down...she says she can't lose weight 'cuz she can't exercise (back and joint pain; arthritis). But, she continues to buy junk food; we eat out a lot, or order food a lot. So, when the family goes out to eat or orders food for dinner, I'm expected to join (if I don't, my stepfather complains that I'm acting like a "boarder" instead of "family").
  • springtrio
    springtrio Posts: 429 Member
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    I think it *may* be. I've over analyzed it so many times I'm just over it. I'm just learning to accept he and I are on two different paths, but opposites do attract and I do love him but I'm just worried about the life he leads. I would love someone to train with but I've given up hope. He has admitted he doesn't like the male attention I get. Never bothers me either way, but I think he could feel insecure.
    Read this after I posted my other reply. Yeah, if you are getting more male attention, that is a likely cause of his dislike for your weight loss. I'm sure there have been arguments, but have you sat down and talked to him, explained that you are doing this to be health so that you and he can live long happy lives together?

    He was like this in the beginning before I even took any off. I chalked it up to him not getting the time we spent together anymore. We've talked and talked, and talked some more. He just gets really moody anytime another man looks in my direction. Most of the time I don't even notice it til he brings it up. I'm kind of oblivious to these kind of things. I have explained to him and he still stands firm on his stance. He knows I love him, but I guess some things are just harder for him to accept. I do spend time with him in the evenings, but not nearly as much as we used to because there is no reason unless our child is sick) that I can stay up til midnight or later like we used to.
  • shanefg
    shanefg Posts: 29 Member
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    I think it *may* be. I've over analyzed it so many times I'm just over it. I'm just learning to accept he and I are on two different paths, but opposites do attract and I do love him but I'm just worried about the life he leads. I would love someone to train with but I've given up hope. He has admitted he doesn't like the male attention I get. Never bothers me either way, but I think he could feel insecure.
    Read this after I posted my other reply. Yeah, if you are getting more male attention, that is a likely cause of his dislike for your weight loss. I'm sure there have been arguments, but have you sat down and talked to him, explained that you are doing this to be health so that you and he can live long happy lives together?

    He was like this in the beginning before I even took any off. I chalked it up to him not getting the time we spent together anymore. We've talked and talked, and talked some more. He just gets really moody anytime another man looks in my direction. Most of the time I don't even notice it til he brings it up. I'm kind of oblivious to these kind of things. I have explained to him and he still stands firm on his stance. He knows I love him, but I guess some things are just harder for him to accept. I do spend time with him in the evenings, but not nearly as much as we used to because there is no reason unless our child is sick) that I can stay up til midnight or later like we used to.

    Give him time. Hopefully he will understand the health benifits outway anything else. Im 37 and was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in feb this year. So many people getting ill these days at a young age from weight related issues. Its a real problem in australia.
  • JennsLosing
    JennsLosing Posts: 1,026
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    i dont live with one but it seems like ALL my friends are. none of them work out or anything, and they call/text me over to have drinks. i try to keep my social drinking to every other weekend. oh btw...today is my social drinking day..tehe. we have a birthday party that we're going too in about an hour, then after that friends are coming over, we're grillin chicken and corn on the cob and puttin out the big inflatable water slide for the kids....while we sit back and watch and enjoy our drinks :drinker:
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
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    Luckily my husband and I are on the same page, trying to lose weight. However, I think people really engage in the "crab in the basket" syndrome when a loved one starts making positive changes, whether it's going back to school, losing weight, stopping drinking, etc. The person who feels "left behind" will do anything to sabotage your efforts - snide remarks, bringing home Dunkin' Donuts, sulking, saying "if you loved me you'd eat this food I prepared for you."

    Recognize that it's a reflection on them - their issue, their insecurity. Most likely they see you spreading your wings, and are afraid that you'll abandon them for bigger and better. They probably need reassurance that they're still important to you, and that making positive changes for yourself doesn't mean you are abandoning them. If you can recognize where they are coming from, then you can compassionately, yet firmly stick to your goals, not take that second helping of Mom's lasagne, throw out the Oreo "gift", etc.
    LOL gotchya the oreos are going in the trash. she uses my kids as the excuse but I don't want them eating that crap either ya know? Her argument is oh they are kids and if you even eat only a couple it don't matter. She doesn't agree with this method for herself however. I think it best to abstain from junk or just a little yanks my door open to more!!
  • AmoreCouture
    AmoreCouture Posts: 255 Member
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    My husband tries to be supportive. I've asked him to quit offering to go out to a fast food restaurant for breakfast every day of the weekend like he used to, and he has did well with that, but he is naturally thin, and can eat anything, and never gain weight, so he still does buy some things to snack on in front of me, which is okay, but sometimes he will make something unhealthy and offer it to me, or offer me some of what he's eating, not thinking about me trying to eat healthy, but he doesn't do it on purpose. I just remind him that I can't, and he's like "Oh yeah, sorry." He's getting better and better, though. He is 100% supportive if me losing weight. He wants me to be happy with myself.
  • tameko2
    tameko2 Posts: 31,634 Member
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    My honey has been supportive, he gets all his junk at lunch so at dinner he doesn't mind choosing healthier options. He's not as big into food and eating as I am - he used to stay less-fat (not quite THIN) because sometimes he'd just forget to eat dinner. He pretty much only wants to eat if he's actually hungry (whereas I'm like "food? ok! yeah! Food! i love food! Gimme!").
  • wanttogetskinny
    wanttogetskinny Posts: 194
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    Sort of....but not really.

    My boyfriend is super thin (5'8" and 139 - he weighs less than me!); he can eat whatever the heck he wants because he's a distance runner and bicyclist and needs to consume about 3300 cals a day to MAINTAIN. So in that way it's hard to live with him cause he can eat whatever he wants whenever he wants and never gains an ounce.

    On the other hand, he's pretty health conscious, and while he has a definite weak spot for ice cream of any kind, he is also big on veggies and fruits.

    It's been much better in terms of getting some of the really bad processed stuff out of the house (though not all of it) since he has gone gluten-free (for problems he has with his digestion). Now anything processed in the house is mine - and I'm trying to make an effort to buy more whole grains, high fiber foods, etc.
  • kentlass
    kentlass Posts: 325 Member
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    my husband doesn't want to lose weight(and doesn't really need to at 185lbs, 6ft) but he also encourages me, cooks most of the meals and will do seperate for me if he's having something unhealthy so i'm really very lucky
  • jillwaller
    jillwaller Posts: 82
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    My husband doesn't like me thin, or even at a healthy weight. Never suspected him to be a chubby chaser, as we've been together for almost 12 years and when I've caught him looking at other women they couldn't have weighed more than 130 (always thought he prefered them thin). Mine just gets mad at me when I go to bed at 9, and expects me to stay up late with him watching the late shows like we used to do. He tries bringing me home garbage food or tries to taunt me with ice cream but I don't cave in. I stopped nagging on him last year. When his health declines as a result of his crappy eating, he'll learn. I admit, it is hard though b/c it almost destroyed our marriage.

    That is EXACTLY like my boyfriend. I always figured he liked girls with 0% body fat- I mean, just looking at the girls he's dated and his celebrity crushes (Mila Kunis, Hayley Williams, the girl who plays Ginny in the Harry Potter movies) I thought that was all he was into. Good thing I'm funny ;) But whenever I get really excited about dropping a pound or making a healthy decision over an unhealthy one (like when I choose to eat fruit instead of cookies...!) he tells me not to lose any weight and not to focus on it. To be honest, I don't stress the weight loss part- I just hope that happens- but I try to stress around him how being healthy makes me feel better. He is so confusing, because he says he wants me to be happy but he hinders making a healthy lifestyle for myself.
  • Joshheeey
    Joshheeey Posts: 13
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    Always, it's hard to live in a house where my mum doesn't really follow my lifestyle, and my brother eats horribly and does very little. This is why I make my own lunches, dinners etc. :)
  • chrisc31
    chrisc31 Posts: 137 Member
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    I havent even started to lose yet (at least, no weigh ins yet...) and my hubby is already starting to make comments about him not liking skinny women and that i better not loose too much. I was getting mad at first, but then I just realized that any enabler is just fueled by their own emotions and insecurities. I have been trying to pay him more attention and ignore the comments, and its starting to get better. I don't know if that will work for you but sometimes if you adress the real problem (like my hubby worrying about me getting skinny and going to find some "fresh meat" as he called it) and ignore the negativity then it should help them realize that you are doing it for both of you and not one or the other.

    This is my husband! We've already strong discussions because he's said he wants me to stop at 220 and I said my goal is currently 180 and he thinks that's "too skinny." I said to him, "How about we just focus on my health and not the number on the scale?" but I know as I get lower it's going to get worse from him.

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