Do you live with an enabler?

shanefg
shanefg Posts: 29 Member
edited September 30 in Health and Weight Loss
How many people out there live with someone who doesnt realy want you to loose weight for there own reasons for what ever that may be. Maybe its a spouse or love one thats says they love you just the way you are. Maybe your the main cook in the house and your partner isnt ready for healthy food to be dished. Maybe an insecure partner will bring you a block of chocolate when they know your trying to loose weight. Hmmm love to hear any stories.
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Replies

  • KatiePeca
    KatiePeca Posts: 314 Member
    I don't live with one, my husband is pretty good at jumping on board with me, but we do have some enablers in our lives who would gladly over feed us and tell us not to worry so much about our weight, we really have to stand firm with them!

    Katie
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    LOL my mother complains all the time about her weight and when I actually went past her in the scale she would right in front of me say look at me. She actually everytime never fails I throw junk food out never buy it anymore so what does my mother do? Oh she sends oreos and other things she knows I use to love hoping I stay fat with her and if she loses it great but dare I not get thinner than her again. How sad is that? She knows I want nothing but healthy food in my house. Why do ppl do this, it irks me. haha See I could go on too. ;p
  • springtrio
    springtrio Posts: 429 Member
    My husband doesn't like me thin, or even at a healthy weight. Never suspected him to be a chubby chaser, as we've been together for almost 12 years and when I've caught him looking at other women they couldn't have weighed more than 130 (always thought he prefered them thin). Mine just gets mad at me when I go to bed at 9, and expects me to stay up late with him watching the late shows like we used to do. He tries bringing me home garbage food or tries to taunt me with ice cream but I don't cave in. I stopped nagging on him last year. When his health declines as a result of his crappy eating, he'll learn. I admit, it is hard though b/c it almost destroyed our marriage.
  • shanefg
    shanefg Posts: 29 Member
    LOL my mother complains all the time about her weight and when I actually went past her in the scale she would right in front of me say look at me. She actually everytime never fails I throw junk food out never buy it anymore so what does my mother do? Oh she sends oreos and other things she knows I use to love hoping I stay fat with her and if she loses it great but dare I not get thinner than her again. How sad is that? She knows I want nothing but healthy food in my house. Why do ppl do this, it irks me. haha See I could go on too. ;p

    LOL yeah that sucks. I see your an 80s metal head Im pissed i missed out on tickets to metallica on ther oz tour.
  • marshmallowmind
    marshmallowmind Posts: 82 Member
    Oh christ yes! My boyfriend is stick thin, over 6foot tall & weighs less than 10 stone but he's one of the lucky few who are naturally like that. So of course, he eats whatever he pleases without having to worry. But me? Nope, I have to watch what I eat otherwise I balloon out big time. Whenever we have money, it's always take-aways, pizza, chocolate, anything & everything that's bad for you & he wolfs it down & I'm just sat there drooling because I want it so bad. So of course, thinking he's being kind, tries to get me to eat it. A lot of the time I can resist but some of the time, it's just too hard.
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    My husband doesn't like me thin, or even at a healthy weight. Never suspected him to be a chubby chaser, as we've been together for almost 12 years and when I've caught him looking at other women they couldn't have weighed more than 130 (always thought he prefered them thin). Mine just gets mad at me when I go to bed at 9, and expects me to stay up late with him watching the late shows like we used to do. He tries bringing me home garbage food or tries to taunt me with ice cream but I don't cave in. I stopped nagging on him last year. When his health declines as a result of his crappy eating, he'll learn. I admit, it is hard though b/c it almost destroyed our marriage.
    Do you think it is insecurity on his part or perhaps guilt that he doesn't want to be the only one eating junk? Who knows it could be a bit of both too.
  • tramaine81
    tramaine81 Posts: 113 Member
    So true! Now that I am losing weight, my boyfriend gets scared because he is afraid I will "bring all the boys to the yard" like that song. LOL! He likes it when I am clingy and insecure:)
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    Yeah I grew up on metal and I feel your pain. I haven't been to a concert let alone a decent concert in forever! THAT p!sses me off! grrr. LOL
  • CoolMoonGoddess
    CoolMoonGoddess Posts: 26
    Well I don't live with one but my mother will continually send home cookies, cupcakes, etc with my kids... when she knows I'm trying to lose weight and those foods are my weakness!!
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    @ Tramaine81: Aw hun that's not good, tell him don't be insecure look at is as you got me and they can't! so tell him to learn to go nananananana to them! ;)
  • Womona
    Womona Posts: 1,790 Member
    Luckily my husband and I are on the same page, trying to lose weight. However, I think people really engage in the "crab in the basket" syndrome when a loved one starts making positive changes, whether it's going back to school, losing weight, stopping drinking, etc. The person who feels "left behind" will do anything to sabotage your efforts - snide remarks, bringing home Dunkin' Donuts, sulking, saying "if you loved me you'd eat this food I prepared for you."

    Recognize that it's a reflection on them - their issue, their insecurity. Most likely they see you spreading your wings, and are afraid that you'll abandon them for bigger and better. They probably need reassurance that they're still important to you, and that making positive changes for yourself doesn't mean you are abandoning them. If you can recognize where they are coming from, then you can compassionately, yet firmly stick to your goals, not take that second helping of Mom's lasagne, throw out the Oreo "gift", etc.
  • Shalimarmandy
    Shalimarmandy Posts: 409 Member
    I don't live with one but my mom is an enabler. She came for a visit right when I was starting on MFP. She told me months in advance that she wanted to go to breakfast at this diner in town that she saw on some food channel. I checked out the diner in advance knowing it was going to be a rough. But I made a plan. no matter what I ordered I was only going to eat half and I was going to get water only to drink. No my mom is a diabetic and has to eat every few hours so i warned her that I probably wouldn't be hungry for many many hours after eating at the diner. She said ok so we went. I was good had a plain waffle with a banana and a small piece of ham and I eat half of everything except the banana. Three hours later around lunch time, she said she needed to eat again and I told her to help herself to anything in the kitchen but that I was not hungry (and I wasn't I could still feel the waffle in my stomach) and she starts... "You know you really should eat. You haven't eaten since breakfast." Now I was strong and gently reminded her that I warned her that I probably wouldn't be hungry at lunch and probably wouldn't eat. Now I generally don't skip lunch but then I normally don't eat large breakfasts and when I do I'm just not hungry and I refuse to eat if I'm not hungry.

    I love my mom but she always makes it hard to stay on track!
  • springtrio
    springtrio Posts: 429 Member
    My husband doesn't like me thin, or even at a healthy weight. Never suspected him to be a chubby chaser, as we've been together for almost 12 years and when I've caught him looking at other women they couldn't have weighed more than 130 (always thought he prefered them thin). Mine just gets mad at me when I go to bed at 9, and expects me to stay up late with him watching the late shows like we used to do. He tries bringing me home garbage food or tries to taunt me with ice cream but I don't cave in. I stopped nagging on him last year. When his health declines as a result of his crappy eating, he'll learn. I admit, it is hard though b/c it almost destroyed our marriage.
    Do you think it is insecurity on his part or perhaps guilt that he doesn't want to be the only one eating junk? Who knows it could be a bit of both too.

    I think it *may* be. I've over analyzed it so many times I'm just over it. I'm just learning to accept he and I are on two different paths, but opposites do attract and I do love him but I'm just worried about the life he leads. I would love someone to train with but I've given up hope. He has admitted he doesn't like the male attention I get. Never bothers me either way, but I think he could feel insecure.
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    Well I don't live with one but my mother will continually send home cookies, cupcakes, etc with my kids... when she knows I'm trying to lose weight and those foods are my weakness!!
    yup that is exactly what I am talking about!
  • gsp1953
    gsp1953 Posts: 1
    I DEFINATELY LIVE WITH AN ENABLER. DOESN'T SUPPORT ME AT ALL. ALWAYS PUTTING FOOD IN MY FACE SAYING EAT THIS WON'T HURT YOU. JUST A LITTLE. ALWAYS WANTING TO EAT OUT. ACTS LIKE HE DOESN'T LIKE LOWFAT OR LITE FOOD BUT WHEN I STOCK UP ON MY FOOD HE EATS IT UP . HE CALLS ME FAT. I HAVE NO SUPPORT EXCEPT FOR MY SON AND GRANDDAUGHTER. THEY BACK ME ALL THE WAY. THIS LOSING WEIGHT TRIP IS REALLY GETTING HARD TO DO.
  • megz4987
    megz4987 Posts: 1,008 Member
    Oh christ yes! My boyfriend is stick thin, over 6foot tall & weighs less than 10 stone but he's one of the lucky few who are naturally like that. So of course, he eats whatever he pleases without having to worry. But me? Nope, I have to watch what I eat otherwise I balloon out big time. Whenever we have money, it's always take-aways, pizza, chocolate, anything & everything that's bad for you & he wolfs it down & I'm just sat there drooling because I want it so bad. So of course, thinking he's being kind, tries to get me to eat it. A lot of the time I can resist but some of the time, it's just too hard.

    My fiance is the same way! He's 6'4 175-180lb eats EVERYTHING, loads up his food with salt (he salts his soup....). I'm waiting for it to catch up to him some day and say, "HAHA, YOU'RE TURN TO LOSE THE WEIGHT!" sometimes I'm mean, haha.
  • ocnldy
    ocnldy Posts: 123 Member
    My husband isn’t and enabler, he’s an unintentional saboteur. He supports me working out and eating healthy but then does crazy stuff like makes Bacon sandwiches for breakfast. I don’t really think it’s on purpose; he just cooks what he likes, but then gets butt hurt when I explain to him I can eat it because it’s not good for me. I really just started working on myself and I think the only reason I’ve done well so far is he is out to sea. I’m hoping when he gets home he will see a perceptible difference and be more aware of the things he does around the house, like eating hot dogs, and sausage, and bacon……
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    Unfortunately that is just something he has to deal within himself. Well it's good you come here right? This place is so helpful and there is a lot of supportive ppl here.
  • mjmoore8480
    mjmoore8480 Posts: 26
    I havent even started to lose yet (at least, no weigh ins yet...) and my hubby is already starting to make comments about him not liking skinny women and that i better not loose too much. I was getting mad at first, but then I just realized that any enabler is just fueled by their own emotions and insecurities. I have been trying to pay him more attention and ignore the comments, and its starting to get better. I don't know if that will work for you but sometimes if you adress the real problem (like my hubby worrying about me getting skinny and going to find some "fresh meat" as he called it) and ignore the negativity then it should help them realize that you are doing it for both of you and not one or the other.
  • MamaKatel
    MamaKatel Posts: 180
    I do! My husband is over weight and could care less. Its a struggle to feed myself healthy meals while he pigs out all night!
  • sio2yd
    sio2yd Posts: 10 Member
    I lived with an enabler for years...I finally realized it one day. Unfortunately, it was after the enabler moved out. I thought all those years he was just being nice to me. I would start a diet, he would show up with candy... I would lose myself. Sometimes I would start a diet... and he would bring food home... food I could not eat at times that where not good to eat. Well he moved out and found himself someone new. It woke me up and I found that after he was gone weight started to come off better. Now I have put all the effort into getting my life back to where I started. I had never been heavy, and I used to eat like a horse. I thought I was gaining a lil weight so I cut back to 800 calories a day... and gained 100 lbs.. I decided on a personal trainer. In the beginning it was a few lbs and a few sizes. OMG... she had me eat breakfast and I started losing weight. What I finally learned is that I can eat and I need to eat, but the how, what and when really play in. I actually started eating more then I ate before but started eating more often and lost 40lbs. but I still need to lose more weight.... but I am working on it.
  • MamaKatel
    MamaKatel Posts: 180
    I DEFINATELY LIVE WITH AN ENABLER. DOESN'T SUPPORT ME AT ALL. ALWAYS PUTTING FOOD IN MY FACE SAYING EAT THIS WON'T HURT YOU. JUST A LITTLE. ALWAYS WANTING TO EAT OUT. ACTS LIKE HE DOESN'T LIKE LOWFAT OR LITE FOOD BUT WHEN I STOCK UP ON MY FOOD HE EATS IT UP . HE CALLS ME FAT. I HAVE NO SUPPORT EXCEPT FOR MY SON AND GRANDDAUGHTER. THEY BACK ME ALL THE WAY. THIS LOSING WEIGHT TRIP IS REALLY GETTING HARD TO DO.
    [/quote



    I am in the same situation! My husband thinks the whole eating healthy thing is a joke and tries to hinder me from succeeding :/
  • ansonrinesmith
    ansonrinesmith Posts: 741 Member
    My husband doesn't like me thin, or even at a healthy weight. Never suspected him to be a chubby chaser, as we've been together for almost 12 years and when I've caught him looking at other women they couldn't have weighed more than 130 (always thought he prefered them thin). Mine just gets mad at me when I go to bed at 9, and expects me to stay up late with him watching the late shows like we used to do. He tries bringing me home garbage food or tries to taunt me with ice cream but I don't cave in. I stopped nagging on him last year. When his health declines as a result of his crappy eating, he'll learn. I admit, it is hard though b/c it almost destroyed our marriage.
    It may not be that he is a "chubby chaser" or that he even prefers you heavy. He could be insecure and think that you are trying to lose weight for other reasons.
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    I DEFINATELY LIVE WITH AN ENABLER. DOESN'T SUPPORT ME AT ALL. ALWAYS PUTTING FOOD IN MY FACE SAYING EAT THIS WON'T HURT YOU. JUST A LITTLE. ALWAYS WANTING TO EAT OUT. ACTS LIKE HE DOESN'T LIKE LOWFAT OR LITE FOOD BUT WHEN I STOCK UP ON MY FOOD HE EATS IT UP . HE CALLS ME FAT. I HAVE NO SUPPORT EXCEPT FOR MY SON AND GRANDDAUGHTER. THEY BACK ME ALL THE WAY. THIS LOSING WEIGHT TRIP IS REALLY GETTING HARD TO DO.
    I say girl hide your healthy food!! I'm serious! LOL I told my husband hun I am not making two meals so whatever I eat you and the kids will have to or you will run out of money awfully quick getting takeout every night. He jumped on bored very quick. I slowly snuck veggies into meals like rices and casseroles and burgers till he knew he wasn't gonna win! I got him good cuz he loves my cooking and without it he would be miserable! ;p
  • ansonrinesmith
    ansonrinesmith Posts: 741 Member
    I think it *may* be. I've over analyzed it so many times I'm just over it. I'm just learning to accept he and I are on two different paths, but opposites do attract and I do love him but I'm just worried about the life he leads. I would love someone to train with but I've given up hope. He has admitted he doesn't like the male attention I get. Never bothers me either way, but I think he could feel insecure.
    Read this after I posted my other reply. Yeah, if you are getting more male attention, that is a likely cause of his dislike for your weight loss. I'm sure there have been arguments, but have you sat down and talked to him, explained that you are doing this to be health so that you and he can live long happy lives together?
  • shanefg
    shanefg Posts: 29 Member
    I thought I’d also add without being racist as I am a mixed bag of English French and Portuguese myself from way back. Some Europeans in general get offended if you don’t eat what they dish lol. They also get offended if you don’t eat seconds and thirds. This doesn’t help lol.
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    I havent even started to lose yet (at least, no weigh ins yet...) and my hubby is already starting to make comments about him not liking skinny women and that i better not loose too much. I was getting mad at first, but then I just realized that any enabler is just fueled by their own emotions and insecurities. I have been trying to pay him more attention and ignore the comments, and its starting to get better. I don't know if that will work for you but sometimes if you adress the real problem (like my hubby worrying about me getting skinny and going to find some "fresh meat" as he called it) and ignore the negativity then it should help them realize that you are doing it for both of you and not one or the other.
    so true, I definitely agree with that!!
  • MiladyMetal
    MiladyMetal Posts: 184 Member
    I thought I’d also add without being racist as I am a mixed bag of English French and Portuguese myself from way back. Some Europeans in general get offended if you don’t eat what they dish lol. They also get offended if you don’t eat seconds and thirds. This doesn’t help lol.
    LOL another English Portuguese here and well Sicilian and Scottish. Yeah I am a euro-mutt. LOL My sicilian side oh God how that bloodline LOVES food!
  • AakifahSiebert
    AakifahSiebert Posts: 65
    I live with my parents right now, and while my mom doesn't "intend" to be an enabler, she is. She is very overweight, but won't do anything about it other than complain about it and put herself down...she says she can't lose weight 'cuz she can't exercise (back and joint pain; arthritis). But, she continues to buy junk food; we eat out a lot, or order food a lot. So, when the family goes out to eat or orders food for dinner, I'm expected to join (if I don't, my stepfather complains that I'm acting like a "boarder" instead of "family").
  • springtrio
    springtrio Posts: 429 Member
    I think it *may* be. I've over analyzed it so many times I'm just over it. I'm just learning to accept he and I are on two different paths, but opposites do attract and I do love him but I'm just worried about the life he leads. I would love someone to train with but I've given up hope. He has admitted he doesn't like the male attention I get. Never bothers me either way, but I think he could feel insecure.
    Read this after I posted my other reply. Yeah, if you are getting more male attention, that is a likely cause of his dislike for your weight loss. I'm sure there have been arguments, but have you sat down and talked to him, explained that you are doing this to be health so that you and he can live long happy lives together?

    He was like this in the beginning before I even took any off. I chalked it up to him not getting the time we spent together anymore. We've talked and talked, and talked some more. He just gets really moody anytime another man looks in my direction. Most of the time I don't even notice it til he brings it up. I'm kind of oblivious to these kind of things. I have explained to him and he still stands firm on his stance. He knows I love him, but I guess some things are just harder for him to accept. I do spend time with him in the evenings, but not nearly as much as we used to because there is no reason unless our child is sick) that I can stay up til midnight or later like we used to.
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