Having an issue with my mom- regarding my child.
First off, we (fiance, 5month old and I) live in my moms house because we are saving for a house of our own. Second, maybe I'm overreacting but I don't think I am (of course).
Now the problem...
When my mom talks about my daughter she makes it seem like she's... I don't know, raising her and caring for her,etc. Example: My sister was over today and was joking saying my daughter didnt have a neck (she's a chubby baby) and my mom said, "she has a neck! We don't have trouble cleaning out her 'cheesy neck' anymore"(chubby babies get this stinky funk in their neck from sweat, formula, etc and it irritates the skin so you have to clean it often) Ok, my mom has never had to clean my daughers neck out so I don't understand why she says WE. She does it all the time. "We switched her to the big girl tub!" No, I switched her to the big girl tub.......
The other day she said something and I said, "You mean MY baby...." she said, "No, mine."
The bigger problem? I have talked to her about it and she gets pissy and storms off. I don't know what to do! It's my child, I gave birth to her, my fiance and I pay for all of her needs. Only thing my mom does is put a roof over her head- voluntarily, might I add.
I don't understand what her problem is. "check out what she does now!" Before I even have a chance to sit down after someone comes over my moms showing her off....
I feel like as years go by my mom is going to try to take credit for the way my daughter has been raised. It makes me want to say, "Screw saving for a house, lets just get an apartment and get OUT OF HERE" I feel like thats my only option to stop this craziness.
Now the problem...
When my mom talks about my daughter she makes it seem like she's... I don't know, raising her and caring for her,etc. Example: My sister was over today and was joking saying my daughter didnt have a neck (she's a chubby baby) and my mom said, "she has a neck! We don't have trouble cleaning out her 'cheesy neck' anymore"(chubby babies get this stinky funk in their neck from sweat, formula, etc and it irritates the skin so you have to clean it often) Ok, my mom has never had to clean my daughers neck out so I don't understand why she says WE. She does it all the time. "We switched her to the big girl tub!" No, I switched her to the big girl tub.......
The other day she said something and I said, "You mean MY baby...." she said, "No, mine."
The bigger problem? I have talked to her about it and she gets pissy and storms off. I don't know what to do! It's my child, I gave birth to her, my fiance and I pay for all of her needs. Only thing my mom does is put a roof over her head- voluntarily, might I add.
I don't understand what her problem is. "check out what she does now!" Before I even have a chance to sit down after someone comes over my moms showing her off....
I feel like as years go by my mom is going to try to take credit for the way my daughter has been raised. It makes me want to say, "Screw saving for a house, lets just get an apartment and get OUT OF HERE" I feel like thats my only option to stop this craziness.
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Replies
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It is.It makes me want to say, "Screw saving for a house, lets just get an apartment and get OUT OF HERE" I feel like thats my only option to stop this craziness.0 -
I agreethat you are overreacting abit. Moms can be very annoying, and sometimes we have to put up with the BS for the greater good(getting a house). Also, you seem to downplay your mom's contribution by saying "all she does" is put a roof over her head. Considering a mortgage is usually a person's largest expense, I'd say your mom is doing a lot for all of you. I say just suck it up, try and appreciate the fact that she adores your baby so much, and move out when you can afford a house. Think about it this way: the more people that your daughter has loving her everyday, the better.0
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Been there, done that. Get out. The longer it goes on, the longer she'll think she's the parent. I had the EXACT same problem with my mom-- and when my daughter got older, it turned into her doing things I told her NOT to do. Got old very, very quickly.
Sorry to be so opinionated, but I've been through the same thing and I know how irritating it is. Until you get your own place, it'll only get worse-- even though she's just trying to help.0 -
You have no idea how common this is. I get it a lot with my mom as well. I have just learned to blow it off and let Grandma enjoy being Grandma in her on weird little way. I just focus on the source of the comments. My mom wants to feel like she is a part of my sons upbringing. She also wants other people to see it too. She calls him her baby and everything. It used to bother me in the beginning but now I say things like 'ooo your baby has a poopy diaper..hop to it grammy'0
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I say its time for a very long lunch date out side of the house....if u dont get it off ur chest and she doesnt stop to listen it may strain ur relationship with her all together,0
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I agreethat you are overreacting abit. Moms can be very annoying, and sometimes we have to put up with the BS for the greater good(getting a house). Also, you seem to downplay your mom's contribution by saying "all she does" is put a roof over her head. Considering a mortgage is usually a person's largest expense, I'd say your mom is doing a lot for all of you. I say just suck it up, try and appreciate the fact that she adores your baby so much, and move out when you can afford a house. Think about it this way: the more people that your daughter has loving her everyday, the better.
On the flip-side mom is over stepping some boundaries a little bit. I guarantee if it were switched and her mother were in her position she wouldn't be to happy either.
And to the original poster; at this point baby is a bit too young to remember any of this. When she's old enough to remember things you'll have your own house by then. You will be mom, she will be grandma. You'll have your own time and your own space. Just try to tough it out a bit longer. :]0 -
I agreethat you are overreacting abit. Moms can be very annoying, and sometimes we have to put up with the BS for the greater good(getting a house). Also, you seem to downplay your mom's contribution by saying "all she does" is put a roof over her head. Considering a mortgage is usually a person's largest expense, I'd say your mom is doing a lot for all of you. I say just suck it up, try and appreciate the fact that she adores your baby so much, and move out when you can afford a house. Think about it this way: the more people that your daughter has loving her everyday, the better.
On the flip-side mom is over stepping some boundaries a little bit. I guarantee if it were switched and her mother were in her position she wouldn't be to happy either.
And to the original poster; at this point baby is a bit too young to remember any of this. When she's old enough to remember things you'll have your own house by then. You will be mom, she will be grandma. You'll have your own time and your own space. Just try to tough it out a bit longer. :]
Houses in this area are expensive. If theyre not, they're in a VERY bad neighborhood so it's going to take 2-3years from now to save what we want to save... then it's dependant on the economy and finding the right house, I feel like we'll be here forever.0 -
I have the problem with my mother in law
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Well, I don't know how old you are, or how old your mom is. However as a now almost 41 year old mother of three beautiful girls, 22, 18, and 15 years old... I had to go home to my folks house a few times when my girls were babies and young children. I would not trade that time that my girls got to bond with my parents. At the time I never realized how much my parents did for my girls... yes, I bathed them, I got up with them at night, I fed them, I paid our share of the bills, I took them where they had to go ie: doctor, school, park and such. I paid my parents when they babysat for me so that I could go out and work to support my girls and I.
I was always pleased when my folks wanted to show off my girls. I have always called my girls "our girls" when it comes to my folks. I look back and realize what an inconvenience it was to my folks, even though they volunteered to have the girls and I come live at their place. They lost their privacy and their peace and quiet. They lost the ability to walk around in their underclothes should they want to. Just the fact of always having someone in your home, after you have raised your kids and they have moved out, is an adjustment. My parents gave my girls so much love and taught them so much that I was too young or too dumb to teach them. They got wonderful morals and ethics from my parents, that they still love by to this day. My parents are still a great stability in my daughters lives, and when the girls go to visit Gramma (76) and Grammpa (80) they still say they are going "home" to see Gramma and Grampa!!! I love that. Children can never be loved too much... there is a difference between loved and spoiling. You can spoil a kid too much bet never love them too much And the more people they have in their lives the more well rounded they grow to be and they learn something from everyone they are around.
If I were you, I would thank God that my mom loved me, my child and my fiance enough to give us a place to stay. And be so thankful that your baby has a Gramma who loves them so much. And don't sweat the small stuff... I'm sure that everyone who sees you and your mom and your baby all KNOW that the baby is yours. Let Gramma enjoy her grandbaby! And be thankful you have a roof over your head.
If you really can't handle how much your mom loves your baby... that's really sad. and yep you need to just move on out to an apartment or whatever you and the fiance can afford. maybe it would help you to think of all the homeless people and all the kids in orphanages because no one wants them. Think of all the kids who would give anything to have a grandparent... and count your blessings.
What's the fiance think about it all? And what about his parents? Where are they? Why can't you go live off of them for a while and take a break from your mom?
Just my personal opinion. But I guess if you posted, that's what you are looking for is other peoples opinion.
Make the best out of it... and watch to see how happy your baby is when gramma comes in the room.0 -
I feel like as years go by my mom is going to try to take credit for the way my daughter has been raised. It makes me want to say, "Screw saving for a house, lets just get an apartment and get OUT OF HERE" I feel like thats my only option to stop this craziness.
Run, don't walk, to an apartment and sign a lease asap! Speaking from experience I wished to hell I did that.0 -
your mum is overstepping the boundaries, but id also say it was worth it to get a free roof over your head. Can you explain to her nicely that it bugs you at all?
I think its more a symptom of you feeling crowded and put in a childlike situation of living at home and being dependent on your mother again more than anything shes actually doing0 -
Well, I don't know how old you are, or how old your mom is. However as a now almost 41 year old mother of three beautiful girls, 22, 18, and 15 years old... I had to go home to my folks house a few times when my girls were babies and young children. I would not trade that time that my girls got to bond with my parents. At the time I never realized how much my parents did for my girls... yes, I bathed them, I got up with them at night, I fed them, I paid our share of the bills, I took them where they had to go ie: doctor, school, park and such. I paid my parents when they babysat for me so that I could go out and work to support my girls and I.
I was always pleased when my folks wanted to show off my girls. I have always called my girls "our girls" when it comes to my folks. I look back and realize what an inconvenience it was to my folks, even though they volunteered to have the girls and I come live at their place. They lost their privacy and their peace and quiet. They lost the ability to walk around in their underclothes should they want to. Just the fact of always having someone in your home, after you have raised your kids and they have moved out, is an adjustment. My parents gave my girls so much love and taught them so much that I was too young or too dumb to teach them.
They got wonderful morals and ethics from my parents, that they still love by to this day. My parents are still a great stability in my
daughters lives, and when the girls go to visit Gramma (76) and Grammpa (80) they still say they are going "home" to see Gramma
and Grampa!!! I love that. Children can never be loved too much... there is a difference between loved and spoiling. You can spoil
a kid too much bet never love them too much And the more people they have in their lives the more well rounded they grow to be
and they learn something from everyone they are around.
If I were you, I would thank God that my mom loved me, my child and my fiance enough to give us a place to stay. And be so thankful that your baby has a Gramma who loves them so much. And don't sweat the small stuff... I'm sure that everyone who sees you and your mom and your baby all KNOW that the baby is yours. Let Gramma enjoy her grandbaby! And be thankful you have a roof over your head.
If you really can't handle how much your mom loves your baby... that's really sad. and yep you need to just move on out to an apartment or whatever you and the fiance can afford. maybe it would help you to think of all the homeless people and all the kids in orphanages because no one wants them. Think of all the kids who would give anything to have a grandparent... and count your blessings.
What's the fiance think about it all? And what about his parents? Where are they? Why can't you go live off of them for a while and take a break from your mom?
Just my personal opinion. But I guess if you posted, that's what you are looking for is other peoples
Make the best out of it... and watch to see how happy your baby is when gramma comes in the room.
What a marvellous response and one you should really consider.0 -
Well, I agree with RedNeckGal1970. You got it good. Grandmas love their grandkids. Some can't be as hands-off as they ought to be. But if you live under her roof, you take the good with the bad.
If you really can't stand it, then the only option is moving out. But man, I'd love to live near enough to my folks or my in-laws for some babysitting action!0 -
She's probably utterly in love with her new baby grand daughter, and loves being a grand ma, give her some slack, you'll need her as little grows up. They cant help but take over, they feel the love so strongly. My youngest (8 months) is doted on by my in laws famly, they cant leave him alone and they do stuff I dont toally agree with or say things etc, but he is their grandson/nephew/cousin etc and they completeyl adore him and nothing is ever done that could hurt him or injure him. So I cut them some slack.0
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Sounds to me like she is just excited to be part of her life and have her grand baby around. You were her first baby, she probably does think of your daughter as part hers....so what if she is a little annoying. It won't be forever. My mother died 10 years ago and I now have a 16 month old. I would give ANYTHING to have her here driving me crazy. Be thankful she is here and loves you and your family. Just my 2 cents0
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I agreethat you are overreacting abit. Moms can be very annoying, and sometimes we have to put up with the BS for the greater good(getting a house). Also, you seem to downplay your mom's contribution by saying "all she does" is put a roof over her head. Considering a mortgage is usually a person's largest expense, I'd say your mom is doing a lot for all of you. I say just suck it up, try and appreciate the fact that she adores your baby so much, and move out when you can afford a house. Think about it this way: the more people that your daughter has loving her everyday, the better.
On the flip-side mom is over stepping some boundaries a little bit. I guarantee if it were switched and her mother were in her position she wouldn't be to happy either.
And to the original poster; at this point baby is a bit too young to remember any of this. When she's old enough to remember things you'll have your own house by then. You will be mom, she will be grandma. You'll have your own time and your own space. Just try to tough it out a bit longer. :]
Well, as a few others said- apartment lease asap. It will take longer to buy your own home but this way you won't be in your mothers space any she in yours any longer.
I live in scottsdale, I understand expensive housing!0 -
If you really can't handle how much your mom loves your baby... that's really sad. and yep you need to just move on out to an apartment or whatever you and the fiance can afford. maybe it would help you to think of all the homeless people and all the kids in orphanages because no one wants them. Think of all the kids who would give anything to have a grandparent... and count your blessings.
What's the fiance think about it all? And what about his parents? Where are they? Why can't you go live off of them for a while and take a break from your mom?
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That entire section of what you wrote infuriates me. Those aren't opinions, those are assumptions and wrong ones, at that. What do homeless people have to do with me and my family? Who ever said anything about a damn orphanage? HAVING a grandparent and having one overstep their boundries are two very different things. Having a grandparent be in your face and telling you what you're doing wrong as a parent (when I could just the same make a novel long list of things she did wrong in raising us but I never would because I'm not cruel) is allowed to be annoying and aggitating. Comparing that to not having one doesn't make the situation better. When my mom dies I'm not going to say, "Wow, I really miss how she used to judge my parenting on a daily basis."
My fiance's annoyed by it as well. His parents and the two of us have had our issues, there's no possible way we could live there for any sort of break. Not to mention his parents live an hour away and our jobs are here.
Yes, I was posting here for opinions but I wasn't asking to be judged by anyone else or told I'm sad for not being able to "handle" my moms love for her grandchild.0 -
time for you to get your own place.0
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If you really can't handle how much your mom loves your baby... that's really sad. and yep you need to just move on out to an apartment or whatever you and the fiance can afford. maybe it would help you to think of all the homeless people and all the kids in orphanages because no one wants them. Think of all the kids who would give anything to have a grandparent... and count your blessings.
What's the fiance think about it all? And what about his parents? Where are they? Why can't you go live off of them for a while and take a break from your mom?
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That entire section of what you wrote infuriates me. Those aren't opinions, those are assumptions and wrong ones, at that. What do homeless people have to do with me and my family? Who ever said anything about a damn orphanage? HAVING a grandparent and having one overstep their boundries are two very different things. Having a grandparent be in your face and telling you what you're doing wrong as a parent (when I could just the same make a novel long list of things she did wrong in raising us but I never would because I'm not cruel) is allowed to be annoying and aggitating. Comparing that to not having one doesn't make the situation better. When my mom dies I'm not going to say, "Wow, I really miss how she used to judge my parenting on a daily basis."
My fiance's annoyed by it as well. His parents and the two of us have had our issues, there's no possible way we could live there for any sort of break. Not to mention his parents live an hour away and our jobs are here.
Yes, I was posting here for opinions but I wasn't asking to be judged by anyone else or told I'm sad for not being able to "handle" my moms love for her grandchild.
I wasn't trying to step on your toes or infuriate you, I was hoping that maybe you would read this and look on the brighter side of things. Apparently I failed. If you and the fiance and your mom can't get along... the baby feels the stress. It's not healthy for any of you. Maybe it IS best if you and your baby and fiance settle for less than the buying a home and just move out into an apartment or whatever, before you all just end up resenting one another. (Sounds like it's a bit too late for that)
As far as your mom doing things wrong raising her children, and telling you that you are doing it wrong... yes she could go about it in a different way. But my mom has always me that she made mistakes raising my two older brothers, my older sister and myself, and tried to guide me not to make the same mistakes she did. I am the first to admit I made my own mistakes with my children. It's something that comes with maturity, being able to admit your mistakes and try to help others not make the same ones. I am wondering though, if you thought your mom was not a very good mom to you growing up, why would you go back and live there with a child? Living in a crappy apartment is better than living with someone you know isn't a good influence or that you know is just going to cause problem after problem, I would think.
As far as your mom being "allowed" to be agitating and annoying, it's her house and she is allowed to do whatever she wants. When you are staying in someone elses home, you go by their rules. That's the beauty of living on your own, you make your own rules... until then you're just going to have to man up and take what she dishes out.
I grew up my whole life with no grandparents and I promise, I would rather a cranky, annoying, agitating one to none at all. And I hope that by the time your Mom does pass away, you can find it in your heart to miss something about her. My point of the homeless people and orphans was trying to help you see that there are so many people in this world who would love to have what you can't stand having.("What does homeless people have to do with my family?" Thanks to your moms generosity and her opening her home to you guys... you aren't homeless. I was also hoping maybe you would be able to find some gratitude for you mom, and the home that she is proving not only for her own child and grandchild, but for your fiance as well. She may be hard to live with, but a lot of parents would draw the line at you and your baby and let the fiance be a man and provide at least for himself, is he is unable to provide for you and his baby.
Again, this is just my opinion... not judgement. I would go down a whole other road if I were to put judgment into my comment. I am not God, so it is not up to me to judge you, or your mother. Good luck and I hope you can all get it all worked out soon. Best Wishes to you, baby, Mother and fiance.0 -
There's one part of your post that really stands out to me and screams trouble. You stated your mom said something and you said "you mean my child" and she responded with "no my child." This demands attention. There is a difference between a child and a grandchild. That statement makes it sound like she sees your child as hers to raise instead of yours to raise and her to be a grandmother to. A grandparent should be someone you can go to for advice, who can spoil the child as grandparents do, and be there for love and support. Claiming your child as her own gives me the impression that she is trying to start over with your child to make up for what she thinks she did wrong the first time. I went through this with my mom when I got married. My parents eloped and so when I got engaged, my mom starting planning the wedding she wanted not the one I wanted. Different situation, same principle. Before you go running out, have your fiancee and baby go out somewhere so that it's just you and your mom at home. Tell your mom that you would like to talk to her and then have a calm and rational conversation. If either of you starts to lise your temper, walk away for a few minutes with the agreement that you will sit back down and resume the conversation after an agreed upon time (i.e. 5 minutes). Start by telling your mom that you appreciate everything that she does for you and your family including providing you with a place to live (roof, electricity, water, the ability to do laundry, etc) and then tell her how you feel that when she claims your child as her own it makes you feel however it is that it makes you feel. It sounds like you want to be able to share your childs accomplishments. Let your mom know this and make an agreement that she can share the accomplishments too but make it dependent upon who it is being shared with. For example, if the person that comes to visit is a friend of your mom's then allow her to share the fact that the baby took a step. If the visitor is a friend of yours, then you get to share the accomplishment. Also, make it clear that she needs to refer to the baby as her grandchild not as her child. As the baby gets older and starts to associate the word mommy with a face, she needs to understand who grandma is and who mommy is. Your mom claiming the baby as "her child" will only serve to confuse the baby as she gets older and tries to associate words with faces. I agree with other posters that you should respect the fact that you are in your mom's house and her rules. That being said, it does not give her the right to disrepect you, your authority with your child, or your relationship with your child.0
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