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Never comment on someone's weight ever? Yes or No?

2

Replies

  • PokernuttAR
    PokernuttAR Posts: 74 Member
    I don't make a positive or negative comment unless I'm asked to give honest feedback because unsolicited feedback can be taken wrong. For example, I have lost 60 pounds, but now working on gaining muscle weight. I find it rude for people to say that I look skinny. They mean it as a compliment, but after I have put on 15 pounds of muscle, I don't see myself as skinny.

    So you might be thinking you're giving a compliment, but you're actually insulting someone.
  • amandaeve
    amandaeve Posts: 723 Member
    edited August 2017
    Only solicited comments about weight are appropriate. Ever.

    Example: A trainer at my old work repeatedly commented about a co-worker's thin figure while teaching a class. The co-worker kindly, by repeatedly explained to the trainer that her "compliments" were unwelcome, and the trainer took offense. The co-worker was going through chemo, lost a lot of weight because of it, and had a right to keep the reason private.
  • eyer0ll
    eyer0ll Posts: 313 Member
    Positive comments (only) on someone's clothing, accessories, hair, makeup, nails, etc. are fine.

    I was raised to think (and still believe) it's incredibly rude to comment on weight -- positive or negative, loss or gain, healthy or unhealthy appearance -- at all. Ever.
  • earlnabby
    earlnabby Posts: 8,171 Member
    eyer0ll wrote: »
    Positive comments (only) on someone's clothing, accessories, hair, makeup, nails, etc. are fine.

    Well, unless they have their skirt caught up in their underwear or something. I do mention wardrobe malfunctions BUT it depends on the person and the situation.

    Basically, if the person can do something about it, I mention it. If not, I will not embarrass them more. For example: a missing button on a blouse will never get a mention, a button that came undone will. Toilet paper on someone's shoe will get a mention but a run in a stocking will not.

  • MadDogManor
    MadDogManor Posts: 1,531 Member
    cmriverside wrote: »
    I would have said something not so sweetly to Mom about that in the moment.

    I don't think it is ever okay to comment on someone else's body in any way. Not, "Nice haircut," not, "Did you lose weight?" not, "Gee Mr. Neva, you're looking like a concentration camp guy." (WTAF?)

    I try not to comment on appearances. Appearances have nothing to do with a person's character. I admit I slip sometimes and say, "You look nice." Ugh, even that makes me feel weird to say it. Like my opinion is somehow needed. I don't know. I don't like it when people say stuff like that to me, so I'm probably too sensitive about it. It feels intrusive to me.

    When people comment negatively about anything regarding my flaws, clothes, weight, anything...I say, "How would you like it if I pointed out stuff about your body - ?" Then I look them up and down... I've never had that fail to work. Yet. :lol:

    I usually say something like "I like your hair, it looks different". And leave it at that. Nothing else. And you're lucky if you get that - I just don't care. I'm pretty sure all my female coworkers think I'm really weird, but whatever. I'm there to work, not make friends.
  • Mezzie1024
    Mezzie1024 Posts: 380 Member
    I keep my mouth shut unless the person says something first.

    I think it's fine to compliment a haircut/dye, nice outfit, cool tattoo, etc. But body shape and size are off limits. No matter how well intentioned, it can easily offend.

    That said, I generally don't care if people comment on my body. I've never heard anyone say anything, good or bad, that I didn't already know, and I generally assume either good intentions or obliviousness.
  • bingo_007
    bingo_007 Posts: 101 Member
    I think commenting like this might be too much. seems like the mom was worried but it did not come across well.
    I have spoken to friends when I worry about their size and eating habits at both sides of the weight range. I have one friend at 46 kg size is a bit under 160 that is trying to loose weight. so she will only get salad without oil n no protein. or she freaks out about sugar. so after a 2 hour cardio session she will eat what I mentioned as a meal. At the same time she complains she has no energy n is not feeling well. So yes I told her that I worry about what she eats and that she does not get the required nutrition which is why she is not feeling well.
    But I usually don't comment with oh you are so slim just eat more etc.
  • Orphia
    Orphia Posts: 7,097 Member
    I've had family members gently say one time each that I'd put on a bit of weight, which was helpful criticism.

    But 5 times in one night?!

    Have you asked your mum how she would like it if you both nagged her about her weight and/or appearance?
  • Tsoufla
    Tsoufla Posts: 30 Member
    I think it depends on where the comment is coming from. I've had close relatives tell me that I am too heavy.. but they told me in a nice way... a caring and supportive way.. I wasn't offended or upset... I feel that it's ok to speak the truth in love....
    I have been in a different situation where a more distant relative who hadn't seen me in a very long time and she carried on and on about how she couldn't believe I had gained so much weight.... that was offensive..
    So it depends on the delivery and the source, imo.
  • VeronicaA76
    VeronicaA76 Posts: 1,116 Member
    It's tricky. If you know someone is actively trying to lose fat or gain muscle, making a sincere and kind comment is usually okay. (Wow, your biceps look great. OMG, you have beautiful legs). Outside of that, it's best to not say anything unless they bring it up first. A lot of people are very touchy about their weight, especially if they are/were overweight/obese.
  • RedSierra
    RedSierra Posts: 253 Member
    edited August 2017
    I agree with your husband in principle. It's never appropriate to comment on someone's weight -- unless that person brings it up first and wants a response.

    However, the reality is many mothers make comments on all kinds of things that are none of their business. It seems to be their maternal role in life to want to take care of others, when it's both good and annoying. Mothers are like that. That's reality.

    Yes, she was rude, esp. the concentration camp victim comment. Very rude. However, she was probably mothering your husband, which meant she accepts him as family.

    Your husband has two choices. He can be mad, or he can expand his social awareness, force himself to have a sense of humor, get in her face next time -- and tell her his weight is none of her beeswax, or some other humorous/softened way to draw a boundary and tell her to knock it off.

    (Editing to add that this is a best guess since I don't know your family -- if your mother was intentionally being mean, that's a different story).

    Good luck to you guys.
  • skymningen
    skymningen Posts: 532 Member
    I will only "negatively" comment on someones appearance out of deep worry. So yes, I will tell someone if I think they look very sick and that they should get home and rest or even go to the doctor. I will comment, if I am worried they might have lost so much weight it is severely unhealthy. But it will be constructive and not mocking or blaming.
    I will express my honest concerns. Anything else would be immoral to me.
    I will also comment if asked. Or cheer on someone if they told me they want to lose/gain and I can honestly see that they make progress.
    And of course when I am frisky with my partner I will also comment... in a.. uh... hormonally biased way that would sound creepy in any other situation? I guess that doesn't count in here.
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
    katadx wrote: »
    No one casually comments on someone being overweight and hides behind it being a 'compliment'.

    When it was considered attractive they did.

    At the beginning of Long Day's Journey into Night, the family repeatedly compliments the mother on being plump. Now, that's not a healthy family and there's a reason they are glad she's put on weight, of course, but it could happen. It's just that in our society for the most part people KNOW overweight is always considered unattractive. (Being told you are thick -- as in having a particular look that might be overweight -- can be seen and used as a compliment, though.)

    Being told you are thin, a skinny minny, so on, often doesn't mean unattractive or underweight in our society, but is a compliment, means looks good (I definitely know people who think thinner is always good).

    Could it be an expression of worry or insult, of course, depends on how it's said. But a lot of people stupidly assume that comments about being small, thin, etc. are always seen as positive. I'd call this in many cases being socially awkward or clueless and not intending to insult. I imagine it gets tiresome, although having been fat I always love comments of any sort about being thin.
  • Old_Cat_Lady
    Old_Cat_Lady Posts: 1,193 Member
    Mothers will be Mothers. They will even tell family members when they stink. Your hubby is family.
  • ACanadian22
    ACanadian22 Posts: 377 Member
    Just look at your Mom and say, "you know most people are getting botox at your age....Did you ever think of it?
    I think she was very rude. My Grand Mother use to do this and I would scrap right back. She stopped ;) If you are ok with her saying it to you and you only have that little to use, that is fine(unless it does hurt) but your husband doesn't want to rock the boat and that is not fair to him.
  • nevadavis1
    nevadavis1 Posts: 331 Member
    ACanadian22 wrote: »
    Just look at your Mom and say, "you know most people are getting botox at your age....Did you ever think of it?
    I think she was very rude. My Grand Mother use to do this and I would scrap right back. She stopped ;) If you are ok with her saying it to you and you only have that little to use, that is fine(unless it does hurt) but your husband doesn't want to rock the boat and that is not fair to him.

    Thanks. She is so vain, she's already had botox and a facelift, and chin lift.... Sigh. I get the constant "you're so heavy I just worry you'll get diabetes..." or "I talked to your grandfather and he said you'll lose the weight when you're ready, but ...." and "you're not wearing ANY MAKEUP AT ALL?!?!" and so on... Sigh
  • nevadavis1
    nevadavis1 Posts: 331 Member
    lemurcat12 wrote: »
    Being told you are thin, a skinny minny, so on, often doesn't mean unattractive or underweight in our society, but is a compliment, means looks good (I definitely know people who think thinner is always good).

    I think it's a kind of back-handed compliment, like thin is seen as good, but they say it in a negative way... I dunno, an extreme example would be instead of saying "wow, you look great!" the person says "you look good, did you get some work done?" Or something like "your hair looks better now." It's kind of a compliment, but kind of not.
  • Hamsibian
    Hamsibian Posts: 1,388 Member
    The "putting meat on your bones" is one I get frequently. Apparently it's okay to comment how skinny someone is, even if they're incredibly sick.

    I know I am skinny; I don't need people to keep reminding me of that. At least if someone is overweight, there is some chance somebody will defend them. I never had anyone defend me, no matter how much I want them to. I am tired of fighting on my own. Even if it changes nothing about your mom, you should still defend your husband like he has for you.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    Generally it is considered rude and awkward to comment about someone's weight. You could easily offend them. You definitely shouldn't comment 5 times a day. You really don't get to decide for other people that they need more meat on their bones or need to lose another 10 lbs and tell them that.

    Exceptions are probably-
    if someone excitedly announces they lost 50 lbs- you can say something positive
    if someone expresses concern to you about their weight- you can offer a comment
    If it is your parent, spouse or child and their weight is negatively impacting their health- you can express concern and find out if they need help
    If you are a medical professional treating the person and their weight is relevant then you should talk about it.
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
    nevadavis1 wrote: »
    lemurcat12 wrote: »
    Being told you are thin, a skinny minny, so on, often doesn't mean unattractive or underweight in our society, but is a compliment, means looks good (I definitely know people who think thinner is always good).

    I think it's a kind of back-handed compliment, like thin is seen as good, but they say it in a negative way... I dunno, an extreme example would be instead of saying "wow, you look great!" the person says "you look good, did you get some work done?" Or something like "your hair looks better now." It's kind of a compliment, but kind of not.

    Yeah, but IME you can tell by how it's said.

    I have a friend who used to always say (this was when I was at my thinnest) "you are such a skinny minny" but from her (really from the vast majority of people I know) it was obviously intended positively (she'd also say "I wish I was as thin as you" and the like).

    It's also cultural. My office cleaning person says "wow, you lost so much weight, did you have surgery" or "you looked so much older before" or (whenever I get a haircut) "your hair looks so much better." She also asked another (older male) co-worker "doesn't she look pretty now" and to me "how much did you lose."

    Super inappropriate, and it made both of us uncomfortable, but she's Polish (an immigrant, I don't mean of Polish ancestry), so different cultures.

    Anyway, a parent saying "you look thin, are you okay" or the like could be concern, if said once, depending on the relationship, or could very much be weird nagging and judging. In your case, I expect your judgment is right on.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    cjv73 wrote: »
    I'm really surprised by all the people who are saying they would never comment on hair, clothes, etc., and even find that rude. I compliment strangers all the time! Just last week I saw someone with the most gorgeous curly hair, and I told her so. She beamed and thanked me. I love when people compliment me on my hair, makeup, or clothing, and it always perks me up and can even repair a bad day. I don't understand what part of this could possibly be rude.

    I would never, however, comment on someones size, whether small or large. I once was asked when my baby was due, and I wasn't pregnant. I threw out my outfit as soon as I got home, and it was one I had made myself and absolutely loved. I was devastated by the comment and knew I would never be able to wear the outfit again without remembering the hurtful comment.

    I bet you only told the woman her hair was gorgeous once and went on your way. If you said it 5 times to her in a day I think the reaction might have been less happy and more awkward/backing away from you.

    I think compliments on clothes, hair or makeup are less potentially offensive than comments on one's body because those are easily changeable but they can also be inappropriate depending on the relationship and setting. A male boss who always comments on the female workers' clothes, hair or makeup or someone yelling across the street about those jeans making your butt look great might be seen in a much different light than telling your friend or a stranger on the bus that their hairstyle looks nice.
  • AshleyAppleJuice
    AshleyAppleJuice Posts: 8 Member
    Only when THEY mention it in a positive way, or they have said to me before that they were trying to lose weight.
  • spyro88
    spyro88 Posts: 472 Member
    edited September 2017
    I'd compliment a friend who had lost weight or toned up if I knew they'd been trying to.

    Also, I would probably try to talk to a close friend or relative, if I was worried that they had lost or gained an unhealthy amount of weight... but I would be very sensitive about it, and it would be more out of concern for them than anything to do with the way they look. I'd try to find a roundabout way of doing it without being too direct.

    Other those two things, I wouldn't normally comment on someone's appearance.
  • Morgaen73
    Morgaen73 Posts: 2,817 Member
    People are individuals and should be treated as such. There is no "one rule fits all".

    For instance, some people dont like comments such as "You look so much better now". I personally love comments like that. I was a fat *kitten*. I know I was and I worked very hard not to be one anymore. Telling me I look better than I did tells me all my hard work paid off.

    My point being, know the person you are talking to.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    IMO it totally depends on the persons involved and the relationship between them.
  • J72FIT
    J72FIT Posts: 6,002 Member
    edited September 2017
    IMO, it is not appropriate to comment on someones weight unless they specifically ask for your opinion.

    That said, when someone does comment, their opinions say more about them then the person for whom they are commenting.

    Tell your husband to not take it personal and try to shake it off...
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