Lost all hope...

Options
Stephaniechristinamueller
Stephaniechristinamueller Posts: 5 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Hi, my name is Stephanie and i'm a 22 year old uni student.

When i was a young teen i suffered from an eating disorder, i starved myself for months and afterwards i gained a large amount back, which resulted in losing all my confidence and made me feel even worse than before.
Over the years i tried literally every diet out there (intermittent fasting, not eating at all, Master Cleanse, one meal a day, no dinner, no breakfast, gluten free, dairy free, vegetarian, vegan, only one type of food, one apple a day, drinking only diet coke, laxatives, running 2 hours a day and even taking about 20 pills of iodium a day in hopes of getting hyperthyroidism), but always failed, so i really don't know what else to try.
Since i still live at home, cooking seperatly is also difficult.
In 25 days the new semester starts and because of my insecurities i haven't been able to find any friends in the last couple of years at all and of course my lonelyness results in eating even more.

Originally i was always very thin, before making the stupid mistake of thinking i need to be even thinner and starting this whole nightmare.
I always tell myself that now i'm going to lose weigth and get happier, but i never manage to. Now my BMI starts to be classified as overweight, so i simply have to do something and i also believe that if i don't manage to lose it now, i won't make any friends again and will forever feel miserabe.
Yesterday i was so motivated and this morning everything went well until lunch, than i snapped again... I just feel so empty if i don't eat constantly, but on the same time i completely hate my body; i can't even remember the last time i did't feel ugly and sad.

At the start of my holidays i thought, now i'm gonna change and by the time uni starts again i feel better and ready to approach some people, but now there's no longer a lot of time left; i simply feel as if i'm wasting all my life.

Has somebody of you any tips on how to get out of this? Maybe even gone through a similar situation? I'd really appreciate your help,i really don't know what to do anymore, so i thought, maybe a support forum wouldn't be to bad, to kinda keep you on track...

Replies

  • Stephaniechristinamueller
    Stephaniechristinamueller Posts: 5 Member
    edited September 2017
    Options
    Thank you for the fast replies. Since i study to be a teacher i really can't visit a psychologist, since that would hinder me from getting employed later on; otherwise i think i would have done that already...
    I'm quite certain that the way i look is the main reason for my low self esteem. In my class there are obvioulsy many girls who are heavier than me, but most of them make up for it with having a bubbly, outgoing personality, which i definatly haven't.
    When i was thinner i was feeling more confident and therefore, i really think that losing weight would help me.
    I'm no longer that stupid to go to such extremes since i very well can remember just how much i suffered back than, but even than i try to only restrict a little, for example trying to no longer eat sweets, i still don't even manage to hold out for one single day. And since i'm really chubby now, losing weight would also be necessary for my health, i already feel like i'm quicker out of breath than before...
  • rickiimarieee
    rickiimarieee Posts: 2,212 Member
    Options
    You always see yourself more unattractive than other people see you. I always use to think I was fat and ugly, but I got told by many I should model and I felt like they were just being nice. But over time I learned my value. Yes I still see myself that way but I shake it off. What's life if you're not enjoying it, right? Don't stress yourself out, just track your calories. If it's needed maybe some therapy will help you, sounds like body dysmorphia to me! I use to have it real bad. I never went and got help over it. I mainly just got over it with a little confidence boost from my fiancé. I think you should go out and introduce yourself and not think about how you look in any way just go out to have fun! Push the thought waaaay back in your mind I know it's hard but you can do it!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,683 Member
    Options
    It's not your weight that's the issue. It's your thought on how you're perceived. I believe you'd be a good candidate to see a therapist to discuss your feelings and concerns.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png
  • wdedoelder
    wdedoelder Posts: 59 Member
    Options
    I would also suggest some therapy, not psychology. It could help you with your self esteem. My BMI is "Obese", yet I do not appear to be obese. I have lost 40 pounds in the last 20 months, and I am almost in the "overweight" BMI. Don't get hung up on the categories for BMI. Have you spoken with your parents? My kids are 21, 15 and 12. If either of them came to me and asked me to help them lose weight, it would not even be an option, we ARE eating better. My youngest is a Type 1 Diabetic. When she was diagnosed, there were certain things that were no longer allowed in the house (Regular soda being one). You are part of a family and as such what affects you should affect the family. Maybe they would be more than willing to help you in your journey. If they are not, then you will go on to live a happy healthy life in your own way. Start with walks and build your way up to a slow jog. If the school has a gym, take advantage of it! You can do this!
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    Options
    Stephaniechristinamueller wrote: »
    Thank you for the fast replies. Since i study to be a teacher i really can't visit a psychologist, since that would hinder me from getting employed later on; otherwise i think i would have done that already...
    I'm quite certain that the way i look is the main reason for my low self esteem. In my class there are obvioulsy many girls who are heavier than me, but most of them make up for it with having a bubbly, outgoing personality, which i definatly haven't.
    When i was thinner i was feeling more confident and therefore, i really think that losing weight would help me.
    I'm no longer that stupid to go to such extremes since i very well can remember just how much i suffered back than, but even than i try to only restrict a little, for example trying to no longer eat sweets, i still don't even manage to hold out for one single day. And since i'm really chubby now, losing weight would also be necessary for my health, i already feel like i'm quicker out of breath than before...

    Oh sweetie you need to see someone. Your weight is not the problem. I realize you believe it is, but that belief is the problem. Seeing a therapist should not prevent you from getting a job as a teacher. Are you in the US? If so, have you heard of HIPAA?
  • Stephaniechristinamueller
    Stephaniechristinamueller Posts: 5 Member
    Options
    I'm form Germany and my own brother got counseling as a little child and than later barely got a job from the state(?), the category in which a teacher belongs to as well, so it would be very risky. There's a fitness test beforehand and you need to tell them whether you ever had therapy or not...
    I actually go for a run as often as i can, but i don't think that affects my weight in any way, so just doing something like walking or other sports alone would probably be not enough for somebody my age.
    But thank you all for the many replies, i really didn't expect that!
  • explodingmango
    explodingmango Posts: 171 Member
    edited September 2017
    Options
    Stephaniechristinamueller wrote: »
    Thank you for the fast replies. Since i study to be a teacher i really can't visit a psychologist, since that would hinder me from getting employed later on; otherwise i think i would have done that already...
    I'm quite certain that the way i look is the main reason for my low self esteem. In my class there are obvioulsy many girls who are heavier than me, but most of them make up for it with having a bubbly, outgoing personality, which i definatly haven't.
    When i was thinner i was feeling more confident and therefore, i really think that losing weight would help me.
    I'm no longer that stupid to go to such extremes since i very well can remember just how much i suffered back than, but even than i try to only restrict a little, for example trying to no longer eat sweets, i still don't even manage to hold out for one single day. And since i'm really chubby now, losing weight would also be necessary for my health, i already feel like i'm quicker out of breath than before...

    Speaking as someone in the same boat - trying to recover from an eating disorder, while still trying to change my body, while trying to go into a field that can be discriminatory about these things - it's easier to see a therapist and "get away with it" than you think. There are patient privacy laws - even if your prospective boss finds out you went to a therapist (which they probably won't in the first place), they have no way to know what you went for unless you tell them. You can tell them it was a private matter that's been resolved if they ask. You can lie outright and say you were just checking in to make sure you were coping well with a big stressful life event, and they'll have no way to know. You should NOT let fear of discrimination stop you because it is not likely.

    I wouldn't be adjusting nearly as well as I am if I didn't have my therapist helping. Seriously, it's okay to ask a professional for help.
  • animatorswearbras
    animatorswearbras Posts: 1,001 Member
    Options
    Fairly sure they can't discriminate anywhere in Europe if someone has a history of seeking help with their mental health and also fairly sure they can't go through your health records. They probably have a police background check like they do in the UK to make sure you've never committed a crime that would disqualify you from teaching, but seeking medical help is not a crime and would not come in any police checks.

    I would seriously question what you have been told about it disqualifying you for a teaching position. xxx
  • RaevnW6
    RaevnW6 Posts: 20 Member
    Options
    I find it terribly frustrating that seeking counseling for a body-image or eating disorder would affect my qualifications to teach or for most any other work. (a prime entry on my list of resentments)

    In my case, I had no choice but to seek another career. I still help people, as I've always wanted to do, and mostly by teaching, oddly enough, but I get paid for tech support. My weight wasn't a problem at the time but it is now, and I really know that desperate feeling when the weight's back and I've bounced off yet another effort to lose the 100 lbs that threatens to kill me.

    Obviously, changing careers is not an easy choice to make but it is an option and it would address the conflict between the desire to teach, the need to manage weight, and the serenity of being comfortable in one's own skin. I've managed to find the right occupation and it's left me free to get the counseling I need to deal with the weight.

    Hang in there, dear lady! {{big hug}}
  • MegaMooseEsq
    MegaMooseEsq Posts: 3,118 Member
    Options
    I have no idea how Germany works, but it is true in the United States that licensing boards can consider mental health as a factor in granting a license. It's very common for prospective attorneys to have to give very detailed information about any mental health treatment, although to the credit of the profession, people really are encouraged to get help when they need it. However, lying about past treatment and being discovered would be a great way to be denied a license.
  • Famof72015
    Famof72015 Posts: 393 Member
    Options
    I'm going to tell you from a mothers point of view. You are beautiful you are smart you are worthy you are someone's daughter, someone's granddaughter, a friend, you matter,you are doing important things!! I want you to look in the mirror and say "i matter, I am going to succeed" and you tell yourself this over and over.

    Now with your weight, think of it like you would teach your students...it's calories in versus calories out, exercise for your health for your mind for your strength! it takes time it's a lifestyle change, gaining the weight did not happen overnight give yourself a solid three months you will notice change!!

    I want you to say "I can do this! I can do this! " Scream it... "I CAN DO THIS! IM SMART, BEAUTIFUL, KIND AND CARING! I am strong! I am ME AND I MATTER❤️
  • Stephaniechristinamueller
    Stephaniechristinamueller Posts: 5 Member
    Options
    Actually my mother also thinks i should lose weight, so that i feel more confident; she's always been very critical about other womans bodies and she herself is very thin, but from the unhealthy diet of only eating stuff like a little candy and a piece of dry bread. It really hurts me than she says that; i know that she only wants to help me, but at the same time she constantly offers me sweets and fast food as well and than kinda expects me to be able to say no. She really doesn't understand that for me simply eating a little less is very difficult.
    Because i starved myself at an age there all my friends were enjoying all whose unhealthy stuff, i always felt that i missed out and now even years later i still overcompensate by eating way to much...
  • fitoverfortymom
    fitoverfortymom Posts: 3,452 Member
    Options
    Does anyone else find it unfortunate that seeking mental health care would result in someone being un-hireable?
  • fitoverfortymom
    fitoverfortymom Posts: 3,452 Member
    edited September 2017
    Options
    And OP, I am so sorry you are struggling. You are my daughter's age. She also had an eating disorder in high school. I truly believe working with a mental health care professional is what helped her the most. A little bit of perspective--you will have difficulty achieving success in any walk of life unless you nip this issue in the bud. Take the steps you need to take care of you. The rest will fall in place. Worrying too much about what the future could be will only hinder your ability to manage your own self-care.

  • LeanButNotMean44
    LeanButNotMean44 Posts: 852 Member
    Options
    MegaMooseEsq wrote: »
    I have no idea how Germany works, but it is true in the United States that licensing boards can consider mental health as a factor in granting a license. It's very common for prospective attorneys to have to give very detailed information about any mental health treatment, although to the credit of the profession, people really are encouraged to get help when they need it. However, lying about past treatment and being discovered would be a great way to be denied a license.

    This used to be the case with physicians, too. There have recently been a few well publicized suicides which have caused those in the field (licensing boards, employers, etc.) to recognize that mental health is very important for medical students, residents, and licensed physicians. I have to think that HIPAA helps, too.

Categories