unsupportive household

CrystalMarie183 · September 2017

I have been trying to get my life together. I am so uncomfortable in my own body and have never felt this bad about myself or my life. I weight 300 lbs. and am disgusting. I try to get my husband to make changes with me, but he just doesn't seem to care. Is there others out there that are struggling from lack of support at home? How are you handling it?

seska422 · September 2017

Not being willing to make the same changes is different from not being supportive. It's your journey.

Supportive would be things like being willing to hide snacks in a designated kitchen cabinet and being willing to eat out at places where you both can eat things you want/like.

It took experimentation and compromise from all sides in my family in order for me to get into a comfortable weight-loss groove. The big thing was you-do-you and let me-do-me. Please don't offer me bites since I have a food plan.

vialetty · September 2017

Sometimes we think family are not supportive when in fact they are not ready for change for themselves. I am glad and happy that you are ready to change. Stay with it, you can do it! Slow changes. I am married and my hubby is also over weight but he is not at a point where he wants the change. Me on the other side have been feeling sick because of the lack of exercise and I am starting this journey on my own. I know that my hubby loves me, he is just not ready to change. Hang in there. You can do it!

rheddmobile · September 2017

It's much easier to change when your family members are supportive, but please don't wait for your husband before you begin to make changes on your own account. Your health is something you can never get back if you lose it. I lost weight previously and gained it back because I found it difficult to resist my husband constantly eating my favorite foods in front of me. Now I'm diabetic - and will be at high risk of serious complications for the rest of my life - and this time my husband is being extremely supportive, since the sight of me being very ill in the hospital frightened him. He has said that if he could go back in time and talk to himself, he would have done everything possible to help me stick to my changes before it was too late and I had a permanent, lifelong illness. But the truth is that it was my body and my health all along - it was up to me to ask for what I wanted and to stick to my guns.

My rules now are that he has his junk foods in a place where I don't have to mess with them, he doesn't eat in front of me unless I am also eating, he doesn't offer me food, and I don't cook food for him which I can't eat. We do go out for meals but there are certain meals which are never going to be options for me, such as pizza and donuts - so if he wants these things, he can have them when I'm not around. In addition, if I need exercise, it's going to happen with zero complaining from him. If he's in the way of the space I need, he moves, and if my timing is inconvenient, he can keep it to himself.

I'm making this sound harsh, but it's really not - he's an excellent, loving husband who has been very supportive - but he did have to learn some new habits, mostly about complaining and subtle forms of sabotage. Sometimes we are doing something together and I need to exercise. If he complains every time, it puts a serious pressure on me not to do the right thing. When I pointed this out to him, he was more than happy to work on it. And now that he sees the results, he's starting to be jealous of me being more fit than he is, and has recently started working out too. Do what you need to do, and maybe your husband will decide eventually that he wants to join you. But the main thing is, get it done! And if he tries to stand in your way, you tell him that you are going to lose the weight with or without his help and he needs to cut it out.

Ready2Rock206 · September 2017

Your husband is a grown adult. If he doesn't want to change then let him be. What he does has zero to do with your choice to lose weight or not. If you want to change then do it, don't use him as an excuse to not lose the weight.

ISweat4This · September 2017

You have to do this for you, this is your journey.

amtyrell · September 2017

Get support here. Strong buildings get support from different sides. Strong people get support from different parts of their lives.
You CAN do this. Persistence matters more then you know.

kittybenn · September 2017

I'm guessing that your success will totally inspire him. Completely agree with people here who are saying it's your life and your body and your responsibility. Go for it and best of luck to you!

GlassAngyl · September 2017

Try having two families in one home! My brother and his wife and their two boys, my dad, me and my teens. One person to battle with seems like a walk in the park!

Forget seeking support (though I agree with these other ladies that support isn't jumping on the same diet wagon as you..) and seek compromise. My sister in law hides her junk and sodas in her room. My dad does the same thing. My sister in law learned the hard way (after a blow up from me) that I do NOT approve of sugary cereals and snacks for my teens. What she does with her sons is her business. She tried to tell me it isn't fair my kids see her kid eating candy and don't get any themselves, I assured her that they will get over it. They don't care anyways. They like real food.

Find food that will keep you full! You can't be tempted if you aren't hungry! A large potato has 284 calories in it. A medium yellow onion has 45 calories in it. 2 tbs sour cream has 46 calories.. some salt.. pepper.. vuala! You won't be hungry for awhile.

Also.. try this simple trick that worked for me. No bread. No pasta. No rice. No junkfood. No soda. Up your fat and protein.

Try this for one day. Husband shouldn't complain!

Breakfast: Two eggs (142c), two bacon(86c), coffee but measure out your creamer. Try to not use sugar. If you like liquid creamer, may I suggest hazelnut? Any will do, but I love hazelnut! Walmart brand is fine. No more than 4 tbs creamer (35x4=140c) less if you can handle less. In fact take a sip each tablespoon and see what you can tolerate for now! (Calories: 366c or less if you cut creamer)

Snack: 1/4 cup nuts (approx 200c. General online consensus for every nut I looked at) OR two boiled eggs (or fried cooked on zero cal spray) (142c)

Lunch: 4oz burger patty 80/20 is fine,(209c), with a slice of cheese (60c). Two cups lettuce (20c) with a large tomato split between hubby and you (32 in whole one so 16c each) two tbs of dressing EACH (going to use ranch nutrition here which is 143c per two tbs) To mix it so it seems to stretch further, put in a bowl with a lid and shake. (380c)

Snack: 1/4 c strawberries berries (23c) sliced.. can prefreaze so they keep longer. A banana (122c), and a cup of almond milk unsweetened (30c). Blend in a blender. Add ice if strawberries are fresh. (175c) or.. have eggs or more nuts..

Dinner: large chicken breast split in two from package at Walmart..(approx 8 oz each at 374c). Put in the crockpot or oven bake it with a half cup of ragu spaghetti sauce. Any flavor. (80c).. and a 1/4 cup shredded mozerella. (85c)

Small Baked potato (156c) and two tbs sour cream (46c)

Kale..spinach.. collards.. mustard greens.. your call. 1cup (60c) -(720c for dinner)

Total for day? Approximately 1785c for the entire day. That should be close to a lb a week weight loss for you if you stick to about that many calories a day. Add me for more ideas.

geltner1 · September 2017

You've gotten some wise comments. I've enjoyed reading them and I wish you luck. It's one meal at a time!

ZhivagosGirl · September 2017

My husband could easily stand to lose 100 if not 150 lbs but this journey isn't about him, it's about me. Do I wish he was doing it with me, yes because I want us to be healthy and together for a long time but he has to do his journey. So for now you do you and let him do him - be an example and maybe one day you can be an encourager as well. If your progress is going to be dependent on someone else you are asking for trouble. I was 300 lbs when I started in January and I'm down 70 lbs now, if I can do it you can too. Best of luck!

lgrix · September 2017

No matter how supportive are or not, it still comes down to you and the choices you make. Set a good example and he may change his ways also. Good luck

kommodevaran · September 2017

I live alone so I'm practically without that kind of support. I have lost weight before, but I couldn't maintain that loss, until I decided to do it for me, and doing it my own way.

The necessary changes are few and usually small, but they are very necessary. People who want to lose weight are often desperate, easy targets for commercial weightloss diets and plans filled with unnecessary gimmicks that promise an easy quick fix, but in reality is just overcomplicating a simple, straightforward process controlled by physics; on the other hand, do nothing to address the psychological, social and spiritual aspects of weightloss or just being human.

MFP is different. It tackles all that head-on - correct logging ensures correct calorie intake, wich ensures healthy weightloss. Solid information and guidance from the community is invaluable if you're unsure about how to use the functions accurately and measure progress reliably. The combined experience of these boards is immense. Sometimes there's tough love, somtimes there's snark and sarcasm and sillyness, but it's always honest and smart.

YosemiteSlamAK · September 2017

I live with someone who has good intentions, (I think) but is doing more harm than good. I want to believe they are only trying be helpful. Part of me wonders if what there doing could be on purpose. Whether consciously or subconsciously? The reality is once I lose another 30 lbs I go back to work, which means moving out. That leaves them living alone, with 3 dogs to take care of.
What are they doing?
They are throwing away my premade food because they are "spoiled"
They eat parts of my premade meals for the week when they want mid night snacks
They see I am buying foods and try to buy similiar foods without knowing why I am buying a certain food (low sodium, cholesterol/serving, fat, protein, etc.) which results in them buying things neither of us is going to eat or things that would destroy my food intake. Then get angry when the foods go uneaten.
I have worked my magic and eaten some of the undesired items by adjusting other meals or other parts of that meal, made smaller portions. Which has to a degree made it worse because they have re-bought some things thinking I want them to eat all the time.
Today I gave them a grocery list with specific food names & brands. I told them I wanted to buy all my own fruits and vegetables so I can weigh things out to make balanced portions. Hopefully that helps some?

rheddmobile · September 2017

YosemiteSlamAK wrote: »

I live with someone who has good intentions, (I think) but is doing more harm than good. I want to believe they are only trying be helpful. Part of me wonders if what there doing could be on purpose. Whether consciously or subconsciously? The reality is once I lose another 30 lbs I go back to work, which means moving out. That leaves them living alone, with 3 dogs to take care of.
What are they doing?
They are throwing away my premade food because they are "spoiled"
They eat parts of my premade meals for the week when they want mid night snacks
They see I am buying foods and try to buy similiar foods without knowing why I am buying a certain food (low sodium, cholesterol/serving, fat, protein, etc.) which results in them buying things neither of us is going to eat or things that would destroy my food intake. Then get angry when the foods go uneaten.
I have worked my magic and eaten some of the undesired items by adjusting other meals or other parts of that meal, made smaller portions. Which has to a degree made it worse because they have re-bought some things thinking I want them to eat all the time.
Today I gave them a grocery list with specific food names & brands. I told them I wanted to buy all my own fruits and vegetables so I can weigh things out to make balanced portions. Hopefully that helps some?

Try labeling the premade food with the date it was made and when you intend to use it, so that it's clear it's already spoken for. Anyone who will eat a package labeled "Sam's lunch Thurs 28" needs a good slap!

GlassAngyl · September 2017

Who cooks in your home? You or your husband or both?

If you cook, look up low calorie recipes and start shopping for that. Cook just enough so that the only "extra helping" is veggies.

If he cooks... Offer to take some days.

If you both cook, choose healthy ideas on the days you cook. One way or another, if you are in charge in any fashion of the shopping and cooking, you hold the power to what comes into the house.

PowerliftingMom · September 2017

I have been very fortunate that my hubby has been 100% supportive of me despite being overweight himself. My weight loss journey began in 2014 and in 2015 I started training to become a powerlifter. He's been supportive with that as well. Maybe once you start losing weight and getting healthier your hubby will want to join you in your journey. Whatever you do, DO NOT delay your weight loss like I did. I lived a very unhealthy life for 30 years and wish I had done this years ago!

shaunshaikh · September 2017

I have to echo what everybody else has said. You can't use him or anybody else as an excuse. YOU have to put the work in to benefit YOU. if you're going to lose the weight it's going to take a long term commitment and you need to be honest with yourself that it's nobody else's responsibility but your own to stick to it.

I'm saying this from experience as someone who used my family as my excuse for gaining weight, because of what we ate or how I couldn't work out. It was bull kittens and I had to finally accept it was me who got things this way and it had to be me to reverse it.

Good luck!

cebreisch · September 2017

Well, to tell you the truth, this is your journey, not his. YES, it would be helpful if he were on board, but this is the one thing that proves the saying, “if it is to be, it’s up to me.”

When I started, I was 376 pounds. My husband had about 30 pounds he wanted to lose. Ugh. I “trudged” along for about 6-8 months before he finally decided to start up logging on MFP and doing P90X.

He and my kids still had fast food and other goodies that were not food journal friendly. SO, I started keeping some of my things (like yogurt, hard boiled eggs, light string cheese, water bottles, etc) in the dorm fridge we have in the laundry room.

I also put together a “snack box” that had snack bags of pretzels, Peanut butter crackers, protein/fiber bars - things that were about 100-150 calories. This way, I had a “safe place” to go get something to eat and not get tempted by whatever the others had in the house.

I have always resented that I had to work harder to lose weight than “everybody else” because I have a hormone imbalance that impedes my attempts to lose weight. I recently found that a friend of the family who has been a type 1 diabetic since birth always resented his diagnosis too - when he turned 21, he couldn’t go out drinking “like everybody else”.

Point is - everybody has their own difficulties to overcome. Do your best to make peace with whatever you have to do to keep on track. You can hope that the husband will jump on this bandwagon, but realize his path is his, and the weight loss bandwagon may not appear on his path for some time.

warrenlightyear · September 2017

rheddmobile wrote: »

It's much easier to change when your family members are supportive, but please don't wait for your husband before you begin to make changes on your own account. Your health is something you can never get back if you lose it. I lost weight previously and gained it back because I found it difficult to resist my husband constantly eating my favorite foods in front of me. Now I'm diabetic - and will be at high risk of serious complications for the rest of my life - and this time my husband is being extremely supportive, since the sight of me being very ill in the hospital frightened him. He has said that if he could go back in time and talk to himself, he would have done everything possible to help me stick to my changes before it was too late and I had a permanent, lifelong illness. But the truth is that it was my body and my health all along - it was up to me to ask for what I wanted and to stick to my guns.

My rules now are that he has his junk foods in a place where I don't have to mess with them, he doesn't eat in front of me unless I am also eating, he doesn't offer me food, and I don't cook food for him which I can't eat. We do go out for meals but there are certain meals which are never going to be options for me, such as pizza and donuts - so if he wants these things, he can have them when I'm not around. In addition, if I need exercise, it's going to happen with zero complaining from him. If he's in the way of the space I need, he moves, and if my timing is inconvenient, he can keep it to himself.

I'm making this sound harsh, but it's really not - he's an excellent, loving husband who has been very supportive - but he did have to learn some new habits, mostly about complaining and subtle forms of sabotage. Sometimes we are doing something together and I need to exercise. If he complains every time, it puts a serious pressure on me not to do the right thing. When I pointed this out to him, he was more than happy to work on it. And now that he sees the results, he's starting to be jealous of me being more fit than he is, and has recently started working out too. Do what you need to do, and maybe your husband will decide eventually that he wants to join you. But the main thing is, get it done! And if he tries to stand in your way, you tell him that you are going to lose the weight with or without his help and he needs to cut it out.

I completely agree here. My wife started on her journey at the first of the year. I want able to because I had to have another back surgery. So there were a lot of things I couldn't do. But there are also things that I could have done and didn't. I don't have a good reason why. I am positive that I was not trying to sabotage her. Ultimately she decided that this was a priority for her and she's killing it. All in she's lost over 115 pounds in the last year. And it's because she decided that it was there most important thing for her. That meant I had to take care of the three kids on my own more so she could get her three hours a day in at the gym.

I stayed on my journey about two months ago. My wife is my inspiration and motivation for me now.

At this point I feel bad that I wasn't more supportive of her in the early time.

I say all of this because your husband might surprise you if you were to sit down and talk to him about it. I know that I would have done more if I knew. As a guy I can say that I was just stupid/blind or whatever you want to call it. But it was not intentional.

unsupportive household

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