I wanted to be sure first...

Hi, everyone!

I have been using Myfitnesspal.com (aka the Miracle Worker) for about 6 weeks now. I didn't want to share my story until I was sure I was really ready to commit to losing weight.

I was hesitant to come onto the boards and introduce myself because I have a history of giving up when I am required to actually work hard or anything. We could delve into all kinds of psychology, but basically, I learned at a young age for most things in life, if I put in minimal effort, I still had the ability to have above average results. That wonderful gift did not ever translate to dieting and exercise. I have been "dieting" since I was 11yrs old. I actually wasn't over weight at that time. But it was the 80s and diet food and work out tapes were very big and my grandma was VERY into it. I remember doing Jane Fonda tapes and drinking crystal lite the summer before 6th grade. By the time I was 14, Dexatrim pills were a standard item hidden in backpack or under my bed.

So, to keep it brief- I had a really unhealthy relationship with food and my body. Throw in a step father who weighed me daily so that he could call me a "fat *kitten*" when I was about 5'5' and weighed 150lbs (oh if only that were the case today!) and you can understand why I am so messed up about this stuff and why I basically eat to deal with pain. And of course, when some people get caught up in a major depressive disorder, they lose weight.... not me. Not at all.

Fast forward about 15yrs- went to an amazing university, seem to do well in my career, terrible with romantic relationships but I think my intense lack of self-worth and tendency to be attracted to "broken" men is the root of that issue.

I was laid off from my job about a year ago- I gave my life to this position. 80hr weeks, thankless board members, terrible pay/benefits...etc. (Obviously I was at a nonprofit org) Right at that time, my boyfriend of two years (who I knew from the beginning was just not going to be a healthy situation anyway) listed the hundreds of reasons I would never be "marriage material" and left.

Needless to say, I spent my days eating, crying, watching tv and eating some more. I had never, ever been thin- but I had never been to the point where I was no longer able to fit into "normal" sized clothing. That was really tough for me. But I just hated myself. And I was dealing with major depression. And no health insurance to deal with it.

The past year has been just awful. I withdrew from my friends, I constantly wished I was dead, I didn't take my dog for walks- It was really awful. I stopped applying for new jobs because it's not like I could even fit into my suits anyway and who would hire me looking the way I did. I know none of those things are excuses but at the time, that was the way I thought.

In January, I joined a gym. I even made a valiant effort to go and do cardio 3-4 times a week. But, I thought that since I was working out, I was entitled to eat even more junk food! So that didn't really help me at all.

So, after about a year of misery and self doubt and feeling completely inept. I had gained about 40lbs (when before that, on my best day, I still should've been at least 30lbs lighter) and was busting out of my size 16 pants. My unemployment payments were getting down to the last few months left and I felt helpless.

I am not sure what happened or what changed, but after I spent Memorial Day weekend at my friend's pool drinking beer and eating hot dogs like it was going out of style, I just had it. I couldn't deal with it anymore.

I had been lying to myself that I didn't look as disgusting as I did. That photos of me where my face definitely contained multiple chins was just due to bad lighting or the angle. But I had to face the truth.

In the couple of months prior, I had paid off my car, so that freed up a little money so I could go to the doctor and I decided it was probably going to be in my best interest to go back on my ADHD meds and some antidepressants. I don't even want to say the weight because it is so embarrassing to me. But it was A LOT. More than I could have ever imagined it could be.

That embarrassment, coupled with the fact I was sick of the way I looked and felt, made me want to do something. Even if it was just 15lbs- I needed to do SOMETHING so I could feel like I wasn't this fat, useless slob.

I had worked for about six weeks when I first got out of college and was looking for a "grown up" job at LA Weightloss and I still had the books, so I decided to do that. But there are a lot of flaws with that plan, which more painfully obvious without their "bars".

After doing that for about a week, and losing a couple of pounds (about 6), I was looking for some kind of calorie counting app on my phone, since I know for me carrying around an actual notebook, would not work after a few weeks. I found Myfitnesspal- the app had great reviews. I downloaded it and took it for a test run. I put in so many different foods to see if the database would actually have them- and it did. I mean, even my grocery store brand foods. I was amazed. I knew LA Weightloss was about 1200-1400 calories so right then and there, I decided to use the basics that I knew from there (low cal/low fat, high protein, low carbs, low sodium, lots of veggies) and just completely commit to myfitnesspal. That was on June 15 (ish).

It is July 17th. I went to my doctor for a follow-up to our June 2 appt on Thursday, July 14. I am down 31lbs. My doctor was praising me (it has been a long time since I have been praised for ANYTHING) and was just amazed. I was amazed and balling obviously. And he was even more excited when I told him that I start my new job on July 18 (tomorrow). A job in my field (marketing) at a for-profit company that is a very big, well-respected firm, making more money than I ever have.

Did my meds help me? Absolutely. But before anyone says that the meds are curbing my appetite and that's the only reason, it isn't. At first, the meds did make me slightly less hungry for about a week. But I have been on these meds before and I had dropped a bunch of weight right away because I wasn't eating all day and then when I did eat, it was junk food. I gained it all back right away. So I am have been very set on not falling into that pattern again, and doing this the correct way. The ADHD meds, in particular, have helped me with my impulse control- which is a huge issue for me. Because in the past, I rarely ate because I was hungry- I ate because I wanted to. And I had no ability to tell myself no.

I am so proud of myself. I have always lacked discipline and willpower of any kind. And for me to do this, I just never would have thought it possible. Even two months ago, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be fat and unemployed forever.

I am sorry for the insanely LONG post- I hadn't planned on it, but it just came out that way. I mostly wanted to share my story so other people who are maybe in similar situations, or have been, feel like they deserve to be happy too. And even when you feel like you will never achieve any success or happiness, the slightest bit of believing in yourself can really go a long way.

I am clearly not through losing weight-- for the first time ever, I feel like I can set goals and actually achieve them. I want to lose about 30 more to achieve my initial goal- and honestly, I want to keep going after that. Losing 80lbs total would make me a totally different person and in a healthy weight range- but I would like to try for an even 100lbs over all. I am a little nervous with starting a new job, but I work in the city and I have already strategized things I can pack for lunch and restaurants close to my office that have healthy options for me.

So I just wanted to say hi and wish you all the best of luck. I know what you are going through, and I know it is so important to hear that other people know exactly how you feel!