Workplace Bully...It's the Boss

TalaNrys
TalaNrys Posts: 28 Member
in Chit-Chat
So without another good outlet for this I decided to post it here, as thus far everyone on here has been pretty nice, or at least offered useful advice/criticism.
My boss of 3 and 1/2 years is by far the worst workplace bully I've ever had the uncomfortableness of working with. She's back handed, nosy, overly critical(especially when it's things she does herself all the time), gossip spreading, close minded. Just one favorite memory, a year or so ago my coworkers were talking about their ex-boyfriends, and how terrible they were, and what they liked. I brought up my ex-girlfriend from several years ago before I worked here. She threw a fit at my coworker that I was being inappropriate by discussing my ex,even though everyone else was, and I said nothing different than what they did. My coworker's response was glorious though, and I'm thankful I had such a wonderfully supportive person around for that.
My boss has progressively gotten worse, she's harsher on criticisms, even if it's things she's told me to do, it's still wrong. When I do something by the book, I'm still wrong. I can't do anything right and it's beginning to cause a lot of issues. I'm a lead teller, and I'm constantly treated like I'm not part of our management team, blatantly ignored and ostracized.
I have pre-existing depression, and it's never been really bad, but enough that I've been diagnosed. During my work weeks, or the night before I go back to work that I know she'll be there my depression is bad, horrible really. I barely sleep, I have had full blown anxiety attacks at work (never around her though). I'm frustrated, and a nervous wreck, but still I absolutely love my job, and the other people I work with, and I'd love to make it work out here but I don't know what to do about it.

Replies

  • RoxieDawn
    RoxieDawn Posts: 15,488 Member
    Time to fire your boss!
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    Honestly, unless you think it's likely the boss will be leaving any time soon, it's time to consider other options.
  • MellowGa
    MellowGa Posts: 1,258 Member
    I would be looking for a new job
  • TalaNrys
    TalaNrys Posts: 28 Member
    She has brought up the fact that her and her family are wanting to move out of state this coming year. I've applied for a couple of new jobs but so far I haven't had any call backs, as most of them I'd be considered over qualified for :(.
    It's been so long about the ex-girlfriend comment that I don't think it's a thing I can pursue anymore.
  • MellowGa
    MellowGa Posts: 1,258 Member
    well, I would document everything, and not sure how big your company is I would go to HR and express what happened, most companies have a anti-retaliation clause.
  • Tabitha1280
    Tabitha1280 Posts: 12 Member
    You might have to accept that this a toxic relationship and you won't be able to improve it. Studies show more people leave bad bosses than any other reason, so you're not alone in this. Even if she seems like she's leaving, unless a departure date is set, I would redouble efforts to find a different job. This isn't healthy for you.
  • GreenGoddess22
    GreenGoddess22 Posts: 3,818 Member
    I'd be cautious about posting work related situations on social media. I personally understand this is the chit chat section of MFP, but I'd still recommend not posting anything career related, especially the airing of differences on here. I only say this because two of my friends have lost jobs due to social media posts. With that said, I'm sorry you're facing work stress. I hope it's peaceful for you soon!
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  • SomebodyWakeUpHIcks
    SomebodyWakeUpHIcks Posts: 3,836 Member
    @OutOfUserName wrote: »
    the devil wears prada good movie

    Is it?
  • TalaNrys
    TalaNrys Posts: 28 Member
    I don't usually post about my work life on social media, hence not having any real details other than the effect of what my position is, which isn't exact, just an equivalent. I am going to try and endure it, in the last few weeks I have been far more open about the fact I do have anxiety and depression, which weirdly enough seems to have changed her outlook a little bit, she's been more gentle in her wording of the still really *kitten* emails she sends.
    I've documented what I can, and if I do find another job I get an exit interview with our HR department's big boss, which is awesome.
    Another kind of horrible, yet amusing story about the boss from hell. My coworker who is no longer with us(She got a better offer), has a very bad hip and shoulder due to a vehicle accident a long time ago, she has a written document from her doctor that states that she needs some exceptions while working. While our training coordinator was down visiting us for the very first time, my coworker asked about how difficult it was to get a step stool, or a foot stool as we sit on tall chairs where your legs dangle. My boss flat out said she wouldn't be getting us one, and the poor training coordinator pulls my coworker aside and told her 'Please don't sue us, she's wrong, you can get a foot stool pretty easily'. My coworker was a good sport about it, and it worked out but I'm sure she mentioned it in her exit interview.
  • TalaNrys
    TalaNrys Posts: 28 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    She sounds like quite a gal.

    She really is. One of those people who talks a big game like she knows everything, and as soon as you contradict her she gets mad about it.
    We had a discussion a few weeks ago regarding drug and alcohol addiction, and for frame of reference by brother was a hard core addict for years, he's been clean for 12 years now so I should know a thing or two. She got mad when I told her catering to an addict is really just enabling them to continue on with their behavior instead of change it, woe is me attitudes are part of what make them so bad. She got snappy and rude with me for telling her that. She had a brother who was a raging alcoholic for a long time, who never got any better and she kept trying to tell me that what my brother does isn't practical for people. He's a 12 step drug and alcohol counselor, and sponsors people all the time. He rarely has relapses with his people.
  • ccruz985
    ccruz985 Posts: 646 Member
    This really sounds like motivation for looking for a new job.
  • TalaNrys
    TalaNrys Posts: 28 Member
    I don't generally supply a lot of personal information, the conversation about my ex-girlfriend was with another coworker that she was evesdropping on, and the bit about my brother isn't personal, he's well known in our community, does public speaking and other events, many she's been to.
    Generally though, I supply the information myself so people can't gossip nearly as bad, or let their imaginations run away with them. It's not nearly as exciting to gossip about your openly pansexual coworker. Same reason I'm not shy about the fact I'm Pagan. It takes away the power from their ammunition and has served me well thus far. Sometimes it sucks, because I'll get anxious about it, but it won't hurt me any.
  • beagletracks
    beagletracks Posts: 6,034 Member
    Document and look for another job. If she’s like my former boss, she’ll never get fired no matter what she does because she’s not afraid to lie and blackmail to win at any cost (e.g., threaten to make false claims against people if they cross her). I regret the many years I worked under this person who held me down instead of supporting my growth and advancement. Some people are toxic (narcissistic sociopath is how I’d describe my old boss). Another job could be just as bad or worse, but you know this one is a nightmare, so make a change.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    I'm glad to hear you're looking for another job and hope you find one. My husband had a toxic boss years ago who gave him ulcers - he says he never really knew how badly it affected him until he was free. You only get one life, and if a toxic person at work is making you miserable, it really is worth a switch. My flow chart would look something like:

    1) Is there a reasonable change talking to this person would help? (No, she's a bigot.)
    2) if no, is there a way to get her fired while protecting yourself (probably not)
    3) can you change your work style such that you never speak to her, or otherwise cope with her? (Sounds difficult.)
    4) SAVE YOURSELF, GET THE KITTEN OUT!
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  • iamunicoon
    iamunicoon Posts: 839 Member
    What everyone else said. If there's no way you can complain and see her face some consequences, make sure it's you who leaves. Even if the rest is great, it sounds like you're on a downward spiral with your mental health if you keep this up and it really isn't worth that.
  • TalaNrys
    TalaNrys Posts: 28 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    TalaNrys wrote: »
    I don't generally supply a lot of personal information, the conversation about my ex-girlfriend was with another coworker that she was evesdropping on, and the bit about my brother isn't personal, he's well known in our community, does public speaking and other events, many she's been to.
    Generally though, I supply the information myself so people can't gossip nearly as bad, or let their imaginations run away with them. It's not nearly as exciting to gossip about your openly pansexual coworker. Same reason I'm not shy about the fact I'm Pagan. It takes away the power from their ammunition and has served me well thus far. Sometimes it sucks, because I'll get anxious about it, but it won't hurt me any.

    I understand. You're trying to stay a step ahead and beat them at their own game. It's fabulous that you know she has attended lectures by your brother pertaining to addiction issues. There's some real potential there if you know what I mean. Also, she's spying on you too which is very, very wrong. Do you think she spies on your emails too?

    Now, despite your Paganism, you may well benefit from reading Father's book. She may be possessed, but until you're familiar with the signs and symptoms, you won't know. One of them is vomiting up nails or cigarette butts that were never even swallowed. Have you asked her if this has ever happened to her, inexplicably or periodically? Do you think you could do this diplomatically without upsetting her?

    I haven't asked her in so many words but it wouldn't surprise me greatly lol. I've done a great deal of protection and reflection work on myself which has seemed to help a little.
    Avocado_Angel wrote: »
    I personally don't think you should be forced into a corner and have to change jobs. If you like your job & are good at it. You have rights as an employee and should seek help to resolve this. Otherwise your only option is to leave, it's pretty pathetic that you can't raise a complaint though, I would. But perhaps it's not worth all the stress. Do other colleagues have issues with her ?

    My other coworkers all do have an issue with her, and find her just as abrasive, but I don't believe it has escalated quite as far with them as it has for me. She feels threatened I'm sure by my presence, working in banking our jobs are changing a lot, and the things people want out of a financial institution are different now than when she began. The bulk of my coworkers are younger, in their mid twenties or so, and we're a lot more comfortable with our customers, and have developed a great relationship with the customers here. Other than when my anxiety is crippling, I'm normally very loud and proud and outgoing, I get more uncomfortable with conflict I can't win/argue my way out of. While unfortunate, it's something I've been working on getting better about.

    As of yet the boss hasn't lashed out at me with any personal information, bonus of taking the bite of the bullet by being up front about it, so that's not something I'm particularly afraid of. I don't have truly personal conversations with her, really other than when she's lashing out at me, we barely speak unless it's for her to boss me around, which suits me fine.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,956 Member
    Being the "boss" at a couple of other jobs, I'd have to hear their side. It always seems the truth is somewhere in the middle.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png
  • GreenGoddess22
    GreenGoddess22 Posts: 3,818 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    Being the "boss" at a couple of other jobs, I'd have to hear their side. It always seems the truth is somewhere in the middle.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    There is always three sides: side a, side b and the truth.
  • Speziface
    Speziface Posts: 1,687 Member
    1) Keep a log book of interactions. It can be digital or paper, but make sure you record dates, times, witnesses, and what was said by who. Keep at least two physically separate copies, but make sure they both have the same info.
    2) After 2 weeks review the log book to see if any patterns emerge.
    3) After 2 more weeks review the book again.
    4) Take a copy of the book to your boss' boss, or to your HR department.


  • rugratz2015
    rugratz2015 Posts: 593 Member
    I really feel for you and know exactly what you're going through.

    I agree with Speziface, log everything and after a couple of months go to HR.

    Also, make sure any communications are done/repeated in email so there is no 'he said/she said' situations and clarify everything by email so there are no 'misunderstandings'.

  • rugratz2015
    rugratz2015 Posts: 593 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    Being the "boss" at a couple of other jobs, I'd have to hear their side. It always seems the truth is somewhere in the middle.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png

    The boss may well be pointing out work related issues, which they have every right to, but it doesn't seem like it's being done in a professional manner, especially when the op is feeling bullied.

    Lack of management and personnel skills show the boss isn't capable of doing her own job properly, and no one should be repeatedly dreading going to work.
  • Sivadee00
    Sivadee00 Posts: 428 Member
    edited October 2017
    You should seek advice from HR and see what future steps they suggest you take in order to protect yourself. Be honest and professional with HR when explaining about what has occured between you and your boss. This sounds like a delicate matter that is best handled by your employer and not the internet.

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