Recovery?

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Shlotato
Shlotato Posts: 6 Member
in Motivation and Support
**Please note: I am not currently enrolled with MFP to lose a dangerous amount of weight. My goal is well within the "normal" range. Not to mention.... I eat over 2000 almost every day *eye roll*

I'm curious if any other MFP have had a similar situation, because I'm driving myself bonkers thinking about how unfair it all is. Here's a (very, VERY) quick version of the story:

-Exhibited eating disordered behavior at age 6 (via my parents) by refusing to have desert until I did "laps" around our house.
-Full blown behavior/mindset by age 11 (and everything that that entails), and that was primarily stages of restriction and bingeing/purging.
-Full restriction practices and over-exercising as a purge method from ages 16-19. Also.... begin therapy and hospitalization records.
-Basically "switched" to full blown bulimic behavior (previously "purging anorexic type" on record) for years and years.
-Eventually, therapy ceased. I felt "normal" and gained a bit of weight, but was fine with it.
-I would justify almost anything for the sake of eating. "I've had a long work week! Let's order a dessert." went to "This was a stressful meeting! I'm getting a soda and a poptart for that euphoric sugar rush! I know what this is!"
-Now I've gained almost 100 pounds.
-Re-entered eating disorder therapy.... and HERE I've learned that I never recovered from my eating disorder. I just "switched" to a new one again.
-Diagnosed binge eating disorder. It's mostly at night? It's mostly when stressed (desk job with clients and potlucks, yknow?) but it's ALL when I'm alone, and i totally overlooked the fact that I have ALWAYS been ashamed of overeating, even when I would "justify" it around family and friends.
-..... ???? what's happening? what do I do???


I'm at a loss. I mean, logically I know people like me are out there. But now that I try to get rid of the (literally) excess weight, it is (literally!) so easy to fall back into behaviors from the old days. How do I know if skipping a snack is my body talking or my old pal undereating talking? How do I know if saying "hey, yknow what? I think i WILL go to the gym today, after all!" is a normal decision based on mood/desires, or if it's me subconsciously feeling guilty about whatever food behaviors happened that day? At least I stopped throwing up. (I say as I grab a third doughnut.)

I have had zero percent success in EVER finding a way to "manifest" these ED-like thoughts in my head before I had 2 or 3 or 4 different background voices giving me ideas and berating me.

Without getting too "Psychiatry-y" .... I don't know. I don't know. How do I try and make voices separate now? Like my therapist suggested? Why can't I think of one?

I don't even know why I took the time to type this. I try so hard to just follow random "meal plans" I find online, but so few have offered them up for free. I'm interested in them because I want to see what a "normal" person would eat as a "diet" for like, a week! And I have no idea what exercise works for me, because I love running but have chronic hip pain, and I love weight lifting but I have chronic cervical spine pain. Always have, but I've always pushed through it. That's a bad behavior, but I can never find a middle ground for myself.

I could just walk? But i'm also (ready for it?) a diagnosed agoraphobe. and panic disorder... and generalized anxiety... and. what else? Oh yeah. I work 75 hour weeks while going to college full time?.... (so much of my overeating has been due to late night growls and cry-eating after work.)

Maybe i'm just hoping to validate someone else, or maybe open the doors in minds of those whom believe eating disorders don't affect or manifest in every day life. i don't know. i don't know.

Replies

  • kommodevaran
    kommodevaran Posts: 17,890 Member
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    I understand the need for something "normal" to compare to. But I would also encourage you to find your own normal. This will be a little different than everybody else's. Trying to stick to random meal plans usually (always) fails - you end up confused and not having learnt very much.

    I suggest reading this: "What is normal eating?"

    I'm not "normal", but I'm finally maintaining a normal weight, and finally having a relaxed relationship with food. I love my food so much now that I like to "share" it. This is a month of meals that I shot last year: My meals (w/pics) I'm most likely in another country than you, with way different food traditions, I'm also quite short and sedentary; whatever you do, don't let this confuse you even more, and don't take this as an attempt to create some kind of "ideal" diet.
  • H_Ock12
    H_Ock12 Posts: 1,152 Member
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    Are you a planner? If so, try planning your meals and workout together around your class, social, and work schedule as far in advance as possible. Plan your workout days around your schedule and your food consumption around your schedule and your allotted calorie intake. If you're able to adhere to the schedule, you won't have to worry about whether your hunger or your ED are causing you to eat.

    Are you in treatment for your panic disorder and GAD?
  • Kerriann1083
    Kerriann1083 Posts: 54 Member
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    Yes we are out there... I I have had this problem in the past I gained a bunch of weight myself and now I'm trying to lose about 65 to 70 pounds and every time I go on a diet it seems like my eating disorder comes up to bite me in the butt... It's like I do everything to the extreme... Anyway I just wanted to say it can be done and I have done it healthy before but it is hard and it does take a good support group and I am in therapy right now and that does help... And I also I'm in different support groups where people like us are dieting and recovering from their eating disorder...
  • Shlotato
    Shlotato Posts: 6 Member
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    kommodevaran wrote: »
    I understand the need for something "normal" to compare to. But I would also encourage you to find your own normal. This will be a little different than everybody else's. Trying to stick to random meal plans usually (always) fails - you end up confused and not having learnt very much.

    I suggest reading this: "What is normal eating?"

    I'm not "normal", but I'm finally maintaining a normal weight, and finally having a relaxed relationship with food. I love my food so much now that I like to "share" it. This is a month of meals that I shot last year: My meals (w/pics) I'm most likely in another country than you, with way different food traditions, I'm also quite short and sedentary; whatever you do, don't let this confuse you even more, and don't take this as an attempt to create some kind of "ideal" diet.
    MotherOfSharpei wrote: »
    Are you a planner? If so, try planning your meals and workout together around your class, social, and work schedule as far in advance as possible. Plan your workout days around your schedule and your food consumption around your schedule and your allotted calorie intake. If you're able to adhere to the schedule, you won't have to worry about whether your hunger or your ED are causing you to eat.

    Are you in treatment for your panic disorder and GAD?
    Kerriann1083 wrote: »
    Yes we are out there... I I have had this problem in the past I gained a bunch of weight myself and now I'm trying to lose about 65 to 70 pounds and every time I go on a diet it seems like my eating disorder comes up to bite me in the butt... It's like I do everything to the extreme... Anyway I just wanted to say it can be done and I have done it healthy before but it is hard and it does take a good support group and I am in therapy right now and that does help... And I also I'm in different support groups where people like us are dieting and recovering from their eating disorder...


    Wow. So many kind responses! More than I anticipated :) I like the idea of planning ahead, but my husband is useless in the kitchen and picky, so trying to plan stuff he likes that isn't super horrible for me is something I need to figure out with time.

    I'm trying real hard. I am working on finding a therapist more specific to the anxiety and other things... it's just time constraints.

    I do like to plan, but so often I get the after work slumps just like everyone else haha. Add that to depression and ED hopeless and then... here we are.

    Thank you for sharing your links and pictures, too. I would love a nice regular plan with little required thought or stress, but again: just got to tray and balance it with everything else.

    Thanks all <3
  • cbeutler
    cbeutler Posts: 667 Member
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    Oa.org
  • theabsentmindednurse
    theabsentmindednurse Posts: 405 Member
    edited October 2017
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    When your life is.,,,.Disordered and out of control, or feels that way- :s
    Then finding some way of taking control HELPS!

    Many comments stated above are valid and very constructive.
    Well done on taking the FIRST STEP! :)

    THIS IS A MARATHON-NOT A SPRINT :
    Take dolly steps to feel in control.
    Just make one small change at a time :p
    On a day off, make a batch meal. Freeze a few serves.
    A week later, perhaps, take a leisurely walk with a girlfriend. Do that a couple of times for a few minutes a week.

    Keep a journal. Pour out all those feelings.
    Stay in contact with your doctor and vent with close friends.
    Log your food and forgive yourself if you have a bad day.

    JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE
    MFP has a wonderful community here and is an excellent tool in helping you on the road to wellness.
    It just takes time.
  • theabsentmindednurse
    theabsentmindednurse Posts: 405 Member
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    Read the stickies and hacks on MFP.
    So many useful recipes and tips for time poor, busy people.
    Nutritious meals and easy to throw together. :#:p
  • GlowskiMcGlitter
    GlowskiMcGlitter Posts: 30 Member
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    Girl I understand where you're coming from. *hug* I struggle with the part of myself that wants control over food and wants to organize every aspect of my diet.
  • vespiquenn
    vespiquenn Posts: 1,455 Member
    edited October 2017
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    I have a history of disordered eating starting in my preteens, which included fast/binge cycles and bulimia, and found no help in therapy, but I also had no interest in searching for a therapist that was right for me at the time.

    What truly helped me was finding an activity that required a balance. In my case, it became weight lifting. I found that because I grew to enjoy it so much that if I ate too little, my lifts would suck. If I ate too much, I would feel sluggish in my lifts or would just chalk it up to a “bulk” day. The same occurred when I fell in love with running.

    It’s just a matter of changing how you view food. Instead of punishment or reward, it should be nothing more than fuel to get you through the day. Now of course, that’s completely easier said than done, but reminding yourself of this removes the emotional aspect we often attach to food.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,182 Member
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    " How do I know if saying "hey, yknow what? I think i WILL go to the gym today, after all!" is a normal decision based on mood/desires, or if it's me subconsciously feeling guilty about whatever food behaviors happened that day?"

    I suggest that you use a planner, a paper book planner, to plan the days you will go to the gym. Plan those days at least one week in advance. If you fail to hit the gym one planned day, forget it. Don't try to make up that day.
    The point of this is that you plan your exercise rationally and convince yourself that it is a healthy, normal plan.

    A healthy, normal, exercise plan does have days of rest and does have variety in it. It does have fuel, also, and that fuel must be appropriate to the work done.


    Baby steps.

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