Manager hints that I'm big
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jennifer_417 wrote: »I'm curious to know exactly what was said. It's hard to know how to respond without a bit more info, tbh.
Yeah, that's the thing... I honestly forgot what she said to be honest. I know I replied once that I'm very happy with my weight and would not want to lose anything. Thus while I forgot what exactly she said, the fact that she said it really annoys me and makes me very insecure.3 -
tinkerbellang83 wrote: »Right. My manager has been hinting a few times that I look a bit chubby. And I don't know how to react to that. I know I don't look as thin as I am (see below), but.. it's just a wrong comment to make and I don't know how to react to it. I could tell her to shut up, but that's not me and we otherwise have a good relationship. Any idea other than ignoring it should she hint again?
I'm not fat. My BMI is 21 and I'm maintaining. There was a time, when I started this job where I was about 4-6kg lighter. I'm happy at my current weight as my blood pressure was so low at the lower weight that I could not stand up without nearly fainting. Plus I looked far too bony, and my face looked even unhealthier slim that now. However, I'm not very tall but have very wide shoulders and hips. I carry might weight on my thighs and bum but I have a very slim belly (I used to have a sixpack at the lower weight), which you don't see as it's always cold here and I tend to wear warm, wider clothes.
It's fairly inappropriate for your manager to be commenting on your weight at all was there some reason that it came up in conversation? At BMI 21 you are far from chubby. Perhaps if she makes the comment again, you can tell her that her comment is making you uncomfortable and hope that an informal chat can resolve it.
I know. It's not a normal manager/subordinate work relationship. I do my own work and she keeps an eye on everything (research, basically). But it also means that I cannot simply change manager as my research depends on her, and the same with me going to conferences.
And why it came up? Not sure, just out of nowhere, just chatting about the coming weekend and other unimportant things, really.
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If it's happened "a few times" it will happen again.
Time to confront your manager (calmly) and tell her in a polite but assertive way to keep her beak out of things that don't concern her.
If she doesn't back off then tell your manager's manager and/or HR. In writing.
Don't be a door mat or people will wipe their feet on you!
Yeah, of course not. There's just not a manager above as such. Structures here are somewhat different. I hope I'm a bit more confident next time she hints.0 -
WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Hmm. Yeah, you could be reading into things that aren't really there if you tend to get defensive about your weight. Congrats on losing 4-6kg and maintaining, btw.
My other thought was that maybe she's feeling threatened by you and that's why she's taking digs.
Thanks. Ehmm.. but I am 4-6 heavier than at my lowest. I thought it was too low
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I find long, blank, expressionless stares to be helpful when people are being ridiculous. It makes them uncomfortable and they generally never bring THAT topic up again.5
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How chubby or not, is your manager? Perhaps she's jealous.0
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Since you've forgotten the exact words I'd just let it go. If it happens again, pay attention to what she says exactly and determine her intent (if possible) before responding or getting upset. Ask her calmly and unemotionally for clarification if needed. Proceed from there.
While body size of others is not an appropriate topic of conversation, sometimes when people see us change physically (whether larger or smaller) they comment just out of observation and not judgement.8 -
And why it came up? Not sure, just out of nowhere, just chatting about the coming weekend and other unimportant things, really.
Without an exact transcript of the conversation and some indication of tone of voice, body language, etc. it's impossible for anyone else to comment on what your manager said or (more importantly) what her intentions were. It could be a misplaced attempt at humor; a misplaced attempt at being helpful; insufficient personal boundaries on her part; a misunderstanding on her part of the closeness of the relationship; a misinterpretation of what she said on your part (or simple bad choice of words).
A former coworker used to call me old man and I found it annoying, but let it go because I knew him well enough to know that it was his way of joking around. Some battles aren't worth fighting -- and unless you have a frank conversation with your manager, you may never know what the intention was. We all bring baggage to a conversation -- you may know what yours is, but you don't know what your manager has in her baggage.7 -
WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Hmm. Yeah, you could be reading into things that aren't really there if you tend to get defensive about your weight. Congrats on losing 4-6kg and maintaining, btw.
My other thought was that maybe she's feeling threatened by you and that's why she's taking digs.
She didn't lose 4-6kg, she GAINED 4-6kg and is now at a BMI of 21... which probably means she used to be underweight... anyhow, I also wonder exactly what was said.3 -
jennifer_417 wrote: »I'm curious to know exactly what was said. It's hard to know how to respond without a bit more info, tbh.
Yeah, that's the thing... I honestly forgot what she said to be honest. I know I replied once that I'm very happy with my weight and would not want to lose anything. Thus while I forgot what exactly she said, the fact that she said it really annoys me and makes me very insecure.
She "hinted" and you don't remember what she said but you are feeling insecure about it? I think you need to get over it.16 -
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jennifer_417 wrote: »I'm curious to know exactly what was said. It's hard to know how to respond without a bit more info, tbh.
Yeah, that's the thing... I honestly forgot what she said to be honest. I know I replied once that I'm very happy with my weight and would not want to lose anything. Thus while I forgot what exactly she said, the fact that she said it really annoys me and makes me very insecure.
She "hinted" and you don't remember what she said but you are feeling insecure about it? I think you need to get over it.
yes - this! I for one remember every word of every comment that anyone has said about my weight over the years! if it was really that bad you would remember what was said.3 -
You say back, "I'm happy with my weight, but please don't comment about it. It makes me feel self conscious. Thanks!"0
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I would think if it was that upsetting to you, you would remember every single word she said. If you can't remember, then obviously it wasn't really a big enough deal to get upset about. I remember every time someone has called me fat or insinuated that I was fat. I could tell you verbatim things my mother has said to me on the subject since I was 12 years old.2
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TavistockToad wrote: »
Admitting? When someone is making you feel bad, it is better to say, "I feel bad" than, "You're being a jerk." Once you've said to someone that they're making you feel bad, if they continue, they can't feign innocence.4 -
musicfan68 wrote: »I would think if it was that upsetting to you, you would remember every single word she said. If you can't remember, then obviously it wasn't really a big enough deal to get upset about. I remember every time someone has called me fat or insinuated that I was fat. I could tell you verbatim things my mother has said to me on the subject since I was 12 years old.
Well... I have a lot of things on my mind and I'm glad I don't forget the important stuff. I'm usually fairly chaotic, thus forgetting something just IS normal for me. I'm still confused about those comments even though I don't remember the exact wording.3 -
jseams1234 wrote: »WorkerDrone83 wrote: »Hmm. Yeah, you could be reading into things that aren't really there if you tend to get defensive about your weight. Congrats on losing 4-6kg and maintaining, btw.
My other thought was that maybe she's feeling threatened by you and that's why she's taking digs.
She didn't lose 4-6kg, she GAINED 4-6kg and is now at a BMI of 21... which probably means she used to be underweight... anyhow, I also wonder exactly what was said.
Not underweight, but I thought I looked too skinny, especially in my face.2 -
Unless this is a continuous thing (in which case you'd remember what was said) just let it go. Life is too d@mn short to let other people's offhand or flippant comments get under your skin.
At the end of the day it's more about what YOU think about you than anyone else's opinion. It took me 50+ years to figure that one out, so the sooner people get there the better life they will have.
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Maybe you should hint that your manager is rude . . .
Usually when people belittle others, it's because they are insecure with themselves. I'd just respond to any comments with a direct "Thank you for your opinion."1 -
OMG I have some cracker responses that would her back in her place But you come across as someone who doesn't want to offend and cares what other people think. Pretty much the exact opposite to me. 3
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Report to HR. There needs to be a line otherwise things could get worse. Who knows if shes being mean to your other coworkers, or even meaner?1
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I wonder if your sensitive and reading something into what she is saying. i just say this because you think you're chubby with a BMI of 21. Which is not chubby.
However, if she is 'hinting that you're overweight, ' you could come right out and ask her in a kind way ..then tell her to please stop. or you could joke with her.. 'hey you're my manager, not my mother.' haha.. and smile. That should shut her up.2 -
gabriellejayde wrote: »
Or actors, TV personalities, etc have appearance clause in their contract.0 -
Next time she does it, I would say "hey this is several times now, you've made comments on my weight. Is there any particular reason why?" But I would have a half smile on my face when you do it, this way it doesn't seem like you are attacking her or anything and more of a curiosity thing.
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I was wondering what job you do that would even lead to weight comment from manager. Still unacceptable unless affecting your health/performance.0
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Sometimes people say things and don't realize how it might come off to someone else. Maybe she didn't mean anything by it, or maybe she did. I'm a vote for be direct, which will usually work.
I can think of a time when I was talking to the security guard at my job (who I am work friends with) and he made some comment about my other job along the lines of "you're a bigger girl so you can handle the bad customers". I was offended so I told him straight out that it was rude and inappropriate to say that. He apologized about ten times as he didn't mean for it to be hurtful. Problem resolved.0
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