LIGHT BULB!

So something recently clicked with me. And yes, I've said that before. But this time, it just MADE SENSE. I've gotten so caught up in "goal weights" and short term goals, and mini goals, and rewards, and how many calories (to the exact one) I'm consuming and how many I'm burning...that I forgot why I was doing it all. Is it really to wear a certain size? Is it really because I want to skydive and not look like a cow in the jumpsuit? Is it because I want to feel better naked? Because I would like more confidence in a bathing suit? The answer is YES, but only to a certain degree. The real reason is because I need to FEEL GOOD. ME. I need to live the life that I want, and not be inhibited by this extra weight I'm carrying around. When I think of myself, I don't think of myself as a fat cow (only at my very low points), and I know it's because deep down, under my padding, I'm a very active person. As a child I was always running around, hiking, fishing, softball, kickball, boating, etc etc. This continued on until about my first year in college. I was never a small girl...I have a very large bone structure and a matching frame. But I was always moving. And not at a gym, going nowhere on a treadmill. So recently, without even realizing I was doing it for a "reason", I started it up again. I started hiking again, which is one of my favorite things to do. I went out and bought a $100 pair of hiking shoes (an expense I should have avoided) and promised myself I'd get back into it again. I bought them Saturday afternoon and have gone everyday since. And not because "I should" (which is how I always talked myself into the gym), but because I wanted to. I spent all day at work EXCITED to go hiking. It's been raining all morning today, and I am legitimately bummed, because if it doesn't stop, I won't be able to go.
Eating has always been my problem. I'm a sucker for bad food. Fried, chocolate...if it's bad for you, I probably like it. Until recently, I never felt "gross" after eating. Lately, I have. Now...yes, it might taste good, but how is it going to make me FEEL afterwards? I certainly don't want to feel like my stomach is in knots because I ate chicken fingers and fries, or had that Blizzard from Dairy Queen. So I stopped eating the bad stuff. Not because I need to lose weight, but because I want to FEEL good.
I've always wanted to run a 5k...I've always wanted to be the girl who signs up for races whenever they're offered. So what the heck is holding me back? I put on my sneakers and took my dog running last week. I was panting, and my shins hurt like hell...so I slowed to a fast walk and continued on in intervals. So instead of deciding I can't do it, and resigning to the "running isn't for me" thought process like I had so many times in the past, I went online, did some research, and decided next paycheck I'm splurging on a pair of good running shoes. My goal is to run the 5k Shamrock Run that is held every March in my city (Buffalo, NY).
I've got a completely different grasp/perspective on things...and honestly, I think I finally have to tools to become a healthier version of myself.