New to acknowledging - and admitting - I need help

TavistockToad wrote: »

are you getting help for your depression? thats step one.

next, start weighing and logging everything you eat. set MFP to lose 1lb per week.

its a shame you wasted money on the shakes, but never mind...

Walking is great exercise, you don't have to do much to start with, and you can build up slowly.

Yes, I'm getting as much "help" as I possibly can. I see a therapist and am on a maintenance dose of prozac; it's been the least effective for my depression (I'm actually bipolar II - not manic/crazy, but insanely depressed) but it's better than nothing. I gradually switched from various other meds (seroquel, abilify, aplenzin, wellbutrin, etc.) that worked better but they (1) caused the weight gain in the first place, which I was hoping would be easy to lose once I was no longer on them, and (2) they were $500.00/month, even with insurance, and I simply couldn't afford that so we had no choice but to find a substitute. So, that's what brought us to the prozac; it's at least helping with the depression, much more than if I were taking nothing, but it's certainly not what would be ideal for my "condition". Bipolar generally needs a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant, but the mood stabilizers are those I mentioned above that I had to come off.

Right now, I honestly cannot get on a scale. I know I need to, but I can't. I had to get on a scale at my doctor's office last summer when I went in for a refill for my prozac; my psychiatrist, who had been prescribing it, was no longer working with the crime victim's program (long story short, my ex tried to kill me when I ended our 8 year relationship, then committed suicide - that's what prompted the therapy sessions, because as a victim of a violent crime, I qualified for a program my state offers which covers those services but only through participating physicians, and I got my bipolar diagnosis, etc. - that trauma plays a significant role in my weight gain, I'm aware, but it's been 9 years so I was hoping the weight would at least be gone). Anyway, because I could no longer get to my psychiatrist, I went to my PCP for the prozac; they made me weigh in, since I had not been in for years, although I begged them not to make me get on the scale. They refused and said I had to if I wanted to be seen. That's when I saw I was 180 - I had a total breakdown in the doctor's office, uncontrollable crying. The nurse felt so bad and apologized to me, telling me they would make sure I never had to get back on a scale, if I didn't want to, in the future. I absolutely cannot get on a scale right now. If I felt better about how I looked, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but I will lose it if I see that number again. For me, I'm more concerned with how I feel, what I see in the mirror, than I do about the number - the number is only for a goal purpose, and because I know I was much more okay with my body when I was at 130, not having that reaction to being on a scale, not being as embarrassed, not being as disgusted with myself (though even then, I had body image issues).

I'm also concerned about logging meals right now; I can't afford groceries, so eating healthy (not even just healthy food, but eating in general) isn't likely right now. I know, this is horrible and I can't possibly get healthy or lose weight if I can't eat right, but my household went from two incomes to one (mine) and my income has dropped significantly over the past month and a half to the point that I can barely pay rent and utilities now, let alone anything additional. The ONLY reason I got the 310 shakes was because they were 80% (starter pack) - it was like $15 with shipping, so I didn't spend $70 like they normally cost...I can't afford that. I wasn't sure the shakes would even work for me, as I stay hungry ALL the time, so I figured it was a cheap, safe way for me to at least get some nutrition even if it doesn't fill me up, no harm done for the small amount I spent on them. Hopefully that clarifies the shake situation.

Walking is probably the only thing I'll manage to do right now, and even that is going to be a struggle to get motivated to do. How do you guys stay motivated? Specifically, anyone who battles depression and understands the struggle to do ANYTHING when you're depressed?

Thanks for the reply

scharpy10 wrote: »

I don’t know how to add anyone either. I didn’t even know how to find this “thread” I had to look for the photo of your dog (lol). I just “started” this today. So maybe I’ll get notices when you reply? Idk we will see.

Good luck today on eating clean and beginning to move. I’m headed to do my daily yoga.

Hopefully someone can explain to me how to add friends and I'll definitely add you!!!

About to reply to your message from yesterday - I'm eating my first meal of the day (I have no food/no groceries so this is all I have) - steamed veggies, so it's a start.

scharpy10 wrote: »

Hi I’ve just opened the community version of the MFP app. I refused to do it til today. I didn’t want anyone in my weight loss business and telling me what to do etc. lol. But for some reason I thought I’d open up the community aspect tonight and just see what/who is out there that may be like me. For me it’s kinda a personal battle. I just want to not take a lot about my weight loss journey to people. I just want to put my head down and really focus this time.

When I read your post I felt a lot of similarities to you. I have had a lot of the same feelings of self loathing and hating my weight. I am only 5”1 and petite. So weight gain on me....phew it really shows!!! After my sister and parents died and a miscarriage all within two years, I basically piled on the pounds, it was worse after I got off anti depressants too. I just couldn’t get the weight off and it piled on a few pounds every year.

So It’s been a few years of going on like that. I went from 125 after I lost all my baby fat from having my kids, to a few weeks ago when I had to weigh in and do blood work for an insurance deduction on my hubbys plan. I was so embarrassed to weigh in. I complained and didn’t wanna go. I about died when I saw I was 190!! I basically stopped weighing myself so I lost track of how bad I had gotten. Well, I had to fast for that blood test, and I used that fasting day as a kick off to my diet. I decided than and there that I would make a goal. My goal wouldn’t be fast, I chose a year! In a year, I want to be down around 130 (by my next bday) 11/10/18.

I’ve been doing MFP for about 3.5 weeks (10/12 was that health screening test). I’ve been able to slowly lose 13lbs. in those weeks by staying at or around 1,200 calories. And slowly ramping up my activity.

At first I just counted calories. I hated exercising....so i didn’t exercise. Than I took my son’s garmin step tracker and put it on me, and began to keep track of my steps. I was getting 6,000 steps just from work. So I made an 8,000 step goal...low but a goal I felt I could attain.

Than slowly I found beginner yoga videos on Amazon prime and I started yoga every morning for 20-30mins before work. Oh man, It was so hard at first. And even today I don’t always wanna get up and do friggin yoga!!!

But Now I’m doing the second level yoga, it’s super challenging for me. I walk with my hubby and dogs, and today (gasp) I even jogged slowly than walked than jogged than walked. I was doing it!!

I have also found other aerobic videos on amazon prime video too (ie free bc I have prime) . Cheaper the better. No gym memberships for me...yet.

You get stronger and than you realize you CAN do this and than it just gets easier to do. Set small goals. Easy to attain. Than make new goals. I really do believe that our bodies wanna be strong and healthy. Because I feel more energetic after I do yoga.

Dor my job, I teach special ed kids k-5th sooo...I need that energy!!

Thank you SO very much for sharing your battle and struggles with me, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I know I am not the only one who feels the way I do about my body and my weight, but until I found this community, I didn't get that kind of feedback so I FELT alone. This certainly helps to be able to talk with others who have struggled or are struggling.

I have never liked how I looked, and even when I was 130, I remember thinking I was fat and wanting to lose weight. I look back at pictures of me from then and wonder what I was thinking ... I'd give anything to be that size/shape again, I looked GREAT - but at the time, there was nothing anyone could say to me to make me feel like I looked good, I was always unhappy with my hips or my stomach or my thighs ... it was ALWAYS something. Now ... God, I'd love to be back at that size to appreciate it, I'd be ecstatic with my body!!! Not only how I looked, but my energy then was much better than it is now. Granted, I was in my early 20s then and I'm 33 now (I know, not old), but if I am struggling with my weight, metabolism, and losing weight this badly at 33, how will my 40s, 50s, etc. be??

Like yours, my weight gain was set off by trauma; not identical to yours (and I am so very sorry to hear about your losses!), but my ex tried to kill me after I ended our relationship (twice) in the course of two months (to clarify, he was arrested after the first time, but two months later when he bailed out of jail, he broke into my house and came after me a second time). He went back to jail and two weeks later, committed suicide. So, that entire year it was nonstop trauma every couple months, it was so much to deal with ... I elaborated in another response to someone else above, but that's what got my bipolar diagnosis, got me on medication, and kicked off the 50lb weight gain in less than two months. It was insane, I didn't even know someone could gain THAT kind of weight THAT quickly. But, I was so depressed and zombie-like that I didn't even care about the weight initially ... I knew I gained weight and wasn't happy, but at my mental state, I couldn't process it and it was the least important thing I was battling. I was struggling to get out of bed in the mornings, so nothing else mattered but getting through minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Once I finally healed enough to process things (about two years later), I was disgusted with my body, moreso than I ever had been before. But I was still on meds so nothing I did got rid of the weight - NOTHING. Even if I lost 10lbs, it would be back in a matter of days. This went on for several years until I told my therapist they had to change my meds, I couldn't handle the weight gain anymore. Since then, we've changed meds multiple times (probably 7 or 8 times) and I kept hoping that eventually, I'd just shed the weight easily...but nope.

I can't even find the motivation to walk. If I had someone nearby that would walk with me, it would be different; I WOULD do it, but alone ... I can't make myself. I am hoping to maybe find someone in this community who lives nearby that would like to meet up a few times each week to do some type of activity, even if it is just walking.

I've got my app set with my weight and goals (1lb per week) so it has me at 1,400 calories per day to reach that goal. We'll see how that goes; I have no food, so eating regularly, let alone healthy, is going to be a HUGE challenge. I just can't win ...

I'm not a big fan of yoga, but when I trained Muay Thai, I used to also do pilates at home three days per week. I should still have the DVDs (I had money at the time, so I have maybe 7 Windsor Pilates DVDs with the ring thing they use). I have an exercise ball, some light hand weights, medicine balls, and a few other various things I could use at home - the motivation to DO it is my issue. Some days, its all I can do to "function" - anything else isn't even possible. I HATE this illness.

Greybeard51 wrote: »

I've only been on this journey for a short time.... This time. I'm 66 years old and I'm determined to be in better health this time next year than I am today. May I suggest, work towards fitness.. Weight in my experience follows fitness. Do what you can to get exercise. I understand the financial aspect. I live on a fixed income. I used to hate when someone told me that, till I got old. I always said we all live on a fixed income... Some are just fixed higher than mine. But I digress... I have the " luxury" of time so I walk daily. Currently I am doing about 8 miles per day. I started out a month ago doing 2 but kept increasing a little daily. I have lost in excess of 5 pounds in the last three weeks. But more importantly, I feel better daily.
I am blessed that I have a gym I can go to once the weather gets colder, but I prefer to stay outdoors as long as possible.

Believe this, if I can do this, you can as well. But I have found having someone online or in reality who is supportive is major. Feel free to add me to your friends list. I sign on several times daily

Good luck in your fitness quest

Thank you so very much for your understanding, and encouraging, message.

I hate that finances are an issue, as I hate that excuse, but right now I'm barely able to pay absolute necessities (and by necessities, I mean rent, utilities, and car payment/insurance - groceries aren't even included in that) so anything additional is a luxury I simply can't afford. I don't know how I'm going to get through this journey if I can't even get healthy, nutritious foods to eat. So, I totally understand "fixed income" in all senses of the phrase.

Good for you with 8 miles a day! If I had the time (after finding the motivation), that would be a goal...but I, sadly, work as much as I possibly can so time is not a luxury I do have. Maybe one day ...

I am only two days new to this site so I don't know how to add friends; can you direct me how to do that, or send me a request instead? I've accepted several requests people have sent me so that much I can do, but I've yet to figure out how or where I can send requests.

Thanks for sharing your experience, and I hope you continue to meet your goals. It sounds like you're working hard and meeting them thus far, so great job!!!