Husband Doesn’t Approve
brittneynathan0579
Posts: 69 Member
Hey guys,
I need advice!! I started this healthy lifestyle in January and went from 236 lbs to 184 lbs. I’ve given up alcohol, smoking, and caffeine. I finally got to where I love what I eat and I enjoy my workouts. My daughter saw my results and so she just recently joined this healthy way of living with me. That being said, my husband has not lived this way and resents me for it. He is overweight and since we don’t drink anymore, he uses food as a crutch. I don’t shove fitness down his throat because when I started, I promised him I wouldn’t. Well, since Thanksgiving, he has blown up on me three different occasions, telling me he wished he’d never invested in our home gym and is sick of watching me eat the way I do. We used to eat very unhealthy together, but now it doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t know what to do. I have eaten this whole weekend things he considers non diet foods, but I told him Monday I’m going back to my diet because I still have some weight I want to lose. I don’t understand what I put in my mouth has to do with what he puts in his. He got angry because I can finally go hiking again, but he doesn’t want me to even do that. I’m not giving up on something I feel is important and that is a part of me just to make him happy, but I fear we may lose our relationship if I don’t. I’m also a recovering drug addict, clean for 5 years and I feel I need some sort of outlet, which fitness has become . What would you guys do?
I need advice!! I started this healthy lifestyle in January and went from 236 lbs to 184 lbs. I’ve given up alcohol, smoking, and caffeine. I finally got to where I love what I eat and I enjoy my workouts. My daughter saw my results and so she just recently joined this healthy way of living with me. That being said, my husband has not lived this way and resents me for it. He is overweight and since we don’t drink anymore, he uses food as a crutch. I don’t shove fitness down his throat because when I started, I promised him I wouldn’t. Well, since Thanksgiving, he has blown up on me three different occasions, telling me he wished he’d never invested in our home gym and is sick of watching me eat the way I do. We used to eat very unhealthy together, but now it doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t know what to do. I have eaten this whole weekend things he considers non diet foods, but I told him Monday I’m going back to my diet because I still have some weight I want to lose. I don’t understand what I put in my mouth has to do with what he puts in his. He got angry because I can finally go hiking again, but he doesn’t want me to even do that. I’m not giving up on something I feel is important and that is a part of me just to make him happy, but I fear we may lose our relationship if I don’t. I’m also a recovering drug addict, clean for 5 years and I feel I need some sort of outlet, which fitness has become . What would you guys do?
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I’d ask him right out what he is afraid of.
I don’t think you need to accommodate his fears or provide any more reassurances. What is it that he wishes to hear? That you won’t outgrow your relationship? If he barks at you for your food choices he is pretty well guaranteeing you are going to get tired of him really fast.11 -
Thank you. I do talk to him, but he angers easily and I’m not sure how NOT to make him mad, lol. It’s very disheartening because I’ve worked so hard at something so important to me and he wants me to give it all up, just when I’m finally at mentally where I need to be. You’re right though, a talk has to be done1
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Great job on your progress. I agree this is tough. He may feel jealous and scared of losing you. He may feel out of his comfort zone. It's best to talk it all out. But whatever you decide please keep at it! You have done so well and have made great choices for the long term. Don't feel guilty and please don't let his feelings mess it all up for you.12
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It sounds like you have a very difficult choice to make. I hope you make the one that protects you and your innocent child.8
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You can’t let everything crumble. Keep being yourself. You have to stick to your lifestyle otherwise he will never understand. Change is hard for everyone. Some people have a harder time than others with it. It’s in these times though that you have to be extra firm and dig your heels down in the ground. Stick to it like Super Glue.6
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WOW first I am no one to cast the first stone, but you seem to be in a very toxic relationship/marriage. It sounds like you guys might also need to seek marriage counselling as well. maybe if someone else tells him he needs to be supportive or something. Sometimes people when they see videos of themselves they are shocked by what they see. I really dont know, but you will not be successful long term with the lack of support from him. What ever happen to "in sickness and in health"??? Does he have any health issues himself?4
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I’m not doing it to get out of this relationship, lol. It didn’t dawn on me that he’d feel that way, but it makes sense. I’m doing it because before, it was getting so bad I couldn’t clean my house because I had no energy and my back hurt to walk around, not to mention the craziness of alcoholism. Now, I keep our home spotless and I am so much closer to our daughter. I’d never leave my husband. He looks the same as I met him. If anything, I thought he’d be happy about my weight loss because I look the way I did when we met. But I suppose that is a valid reason is he is just scared. Thank you guys so much, now I know how to talk about this !18
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He thinks you'll leave him for someone hot and fit because you're now hot and fit and he isn't...
Just make sure you tell him you love him on the way to the gym!9 -
First Huge congrats to you! Amazing transformation! While there isn’t any tension between my wife and me, we do eat two completely separate ways. And she weighs at least 50 pounds more than me. We compromise, she eats what she wants and I stick to a WFPB diet. I would like to see her eat healthier but only on a few occasions have I said something. It doesn’t normally go over well. I would say try your best not to push it on him, but maintain it’s something you need to do for yourself.5
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Will do! Thank you so much!3
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I would say your hubby is battling self esteem issues, maybe depression, he wants to tear you down to make himself feel better.
Keep doing what is best for you, communicate there is nothing more than the fact you are doing this for yourself and your daughter. If he wishes to join you that is great, but you will love him no matter what and if he wishes to join you in exercising in any form or fashion that would make you extremely happy.
baby steps, but don't let him tear you down, keep moving forward and I hope he will finally get over his self esteem issues and join you, if not for you or your daughter, but for himself.
Tell him life can be worse, I have stage 3 throat cancer, ( i don't smoke, no drugs or not a heavy drinker) its from the HPV virus ( get your daughter vaccinated) I have a wife, three kids and I get hit with this *kitten* at 47.
tell him stop feeling sorry for himself and deal with what ever issues he has with a therapist.
you and your daughter are certainly worth it8 -
I can't say I have experienced, but have read about these kinds of situations. The spouse feels threatened by the new look, sometimes jealous because they are overweight and no longer have someone to be an excuse for their own bad health, and other times because they are afraid of losing the spouse who is looking and feeling better. I hope that he comes around soon. It could be either, both of these things or something else.
I think it's wonderful that YOU have turned your life around for yourself and that it is having a positive effect on your daughter. Obviously you had to do something since the extra weight was inhibiting you from doing basic things that needed to be taken care of. You have to take care of yourself first. If you had continued along the path you were going you would have just gained more weight, perhaps rebounded to other substance abuse, and still wouldn't be able to take care of the home and your child.2 -
I would say your hubby is battling self esteem issues, maybe depression, he wants to tear you down to make himself feel better.
Keep doing what is best for you, communicate there is nothing more than the fact you are doing this for yourself and your daughter. If he wishes to join you that is great, but you will love him no matter what and if he wishes to join you in exercising in any form or fashion that would make you extremely happy.
baby steps, but don't let him tear you down, keep moving forward and I hope he will finally get over his self esteem issues and join you, if not for you or your daughter, but for himself.
Tell him life can be worse, I have stage 3 throat cancer, ( i don't smoke, no drugs or not a heavy drinker) its from the HPV virus ( get your daughter vaccinated) I have a wife, three kids and I get hit with this *kitten* at 47.
tell him stop feeling sorry for himself and deal with what ever issues he has with a therapist.
you and your daughter are certainly worth itI would say your hubby is battling self esteem issues, maybe depression, he wants to tear you down to make himself feel better.
Keep doing what is best for you, communicate there is nothing more than the fact you are doing this for yourself and your daughter. If he wishes to join you that is great, but you will love him no matter what and if he wishes to join you in exercising in any form or fashion that would make you extremely happy.
baby steps, but don't let him tear you down, keep moving forward and I hope he will finally get over his self esteem issues and join you, if not for you or your daughter, but for himself.
Tell him life can be worse, I have stage 3 throat cancer, ( i don't smoke, no drugs or not a heavy drinker) its from the HPV virus ( get your daughter vaccinated) I have a wife, three kids and I get hit with this *kitten* at 47.
tell him stop feeling sorry for himself and deal with what ever issues he has with a therapist.
you and your daughter are certainly worth it
That’s horrible and I wish you nothing but the best! I won’t tear him down. He’s a red head so I tread lightly, lol. Take care and I will keep you in our prayers
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IMHO, I would keep moving forward on getting yourself healthy. Your past is not your present, and I hope you do not feel that is a pass for him to hold you back because of the threat of him getting angry with you. If couples did everything in lockstep and the same with one another all the time, I would think it would make for a very boring relationship. Our differences is what makes us individuals and worth getting to know all over again. It takes time and work, and more of the same.
Why are you afraid of him getting angry with you? You should be able to hold a conversation with him and agree to disagree, without the fear or reality of becoming a hostage to his emotional response to a different opinion. Despite the worry of his getting angry - talk to him and encourage him that you are not going anywhere and love him. That is one constant that will not change no matter how much weight you lose or how you choose to eat. If you do not feel comfortable talking to him because of the fear of his "anger" - seek professional counseling for either you both and at the very least, yourself.
Keep going though and get healthy, you deserve it! :-)5 -
It sounds like your husband is jealous. You have done an amazing job and overcoming addiction is just truly amazing, don't be talked into changing and going back, it's good to see your daughter isgolloeing a fine example. I congratulate you. Good luck2
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I agree with getting professional help. If he won't go, go by yourself. So sorry this happens to you. Sounds like you're doing great working on yourself.5
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When a person feels like their SO can go on without them, it sometimes makes them feel pretty worthless.brittneynathan0579 wrote: »Hey guys,
I need advice!! I started this healthy lifestyle in January and went from 236 lbs to 184 lbs. I’ve given up alcohol, smoking, and caffeine. I finally got to where I love what I eat and I enjoy my workouts. My daughter saw my results and so she just recently joined this healthy way of living with me. That being said, my husband has not lived this way and resents me for it. He is overweight and since we don’t drink anymore, he uses food as a crutch. I don’t shove fitness down his throat because when I started, I promised him I wouldn’t. Well, since Thanksgiving, he has blown up on me three different occasions, telling me he wished he’d never invested in our home gym and is sick of watching me eat the way I do. We used to eat very unhealthy together, but now it doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t know what to do. I have eaten this whole weekend things he considers non diet foods, but I told him Monday I’m going back to my diet because I still have some weight I want to lose. I don’t understand what I put in my mouth has to do with what he puts in his. He got angry because I can finally go hiking again, but he doesn’t want me to even do that. I’m not giving up on something I feel is important and that is a part of me just to make him happy, but I fear we may lose our relationship if I don’t. I’m also a recovering drug addict, clean for 5 years and I feel I need some sort of outlet, which fitness has become . What would you guys do?
How often do you reassure him that you love and care about him? Or is it just arguments?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Even if it does make him angry, you two need to talk. You can't avoid it, as it seems he is angry without you two talking about it.5
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My husband is the same way. He’s currently up set about me finally getting my dental work done so I can have new teeth and it really bothers him. It would be great to know why but that’s an argument I don’t feel like listening to so I just do me and let him get mad. If he dosent like it that’s his problem and insecurity’s. He knows I love him and that’s all that matters3
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It's a red flag for me that you have twice mentioned having to avoid making him angry. So what if he gets angry? If you are afraid of him, you need to fix that, by whatever means necessary, including leaving.
PS My husband also has red hair. It's not an excuse for bad behavior.14 -
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Your husband might think you're losing weight because you want to divorce him. There's research out there that shows a lot of women have done that just before a divorce. My husband used to think the same way years ago when I attempted to lose weight. Yeah, it's kind of sabotaging isn't it? At one hand you want to do it for your health and to be healthier for life, on the other it changes the dynamic in relationships.
The best advice I can offer is to make sure you make time for him. Schedule dates with him, give him your uninterrupted attention and he'll know he's still a priority. Significant others get the impression they're on the back burner when they see their partners take up something new with enthusiasm.2 -
This is a very tough situation and I hope you can find a way to solve it. I was in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. He was trying to make me gain weight because of his insecurities about his looks & weight. I was telling him time to time that he should lose some weight and he tried a few times but he couldn't because he was drinking a lot. After a while, I started to eat a lot and ended up gaining 15-16 lbs. I just didn't know why I was always feeling hungry until one day I caught him adding something appetite-enhancing to my food. I filed a lawsuit against the *kitten*. I totally understand how you feel and honestly I don't think that you talking to him will be enough. I think you should see a professional.6
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Self-esteem/self-worth would be my guess. The anger seems more about inner self and the lack of ambition to do what you're doing but jealous of the results. Depression is a probable factor. JMO. Funny how the path you are on is one of the ways to pull him out of it. Professional help is most likely the way to repair the problem.1
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I've been in that situation before, I can sympathize. I'm probably parroting what you've already been told at this point. Keep doing what you're doing. Your health is important, and it sounds like you've made so many improvements that it would be a shame to backtrack at this point. Have a talk with him, seek counseling if need be! I'm sure your relationship is something you don't want to sacrifice, but please don't let your health fail to save it either. It's a thin rope, I know. You can do this.4
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If you have trouble talking about the issue with him I recommend seeking counseling.
The answer is not to stop what makes you feel good and healthy but figuring out why he is getting mad and helping him deal with his emotions better.5
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