Husband Doesn’t Approve
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When a person feels like their SO can go on without them, it sometimes makes them feel pretty worthless.brittneynathan0579 wrote: »Hey guys,
I need advice!! I started this healthy lifestyle in January and went from 236 lbs to 184 lbs. I’ve given up alcohol, smoking, and caffeine. I finally got to where I love what I eat and I enjoy my workouts. My daughter saw my results and so she just recently joined this healthy way of living with me. That being said, my husband has not lived this way and resents me for it. He is overweight and since we don’t drink anymore, he uses food as a crutch. I don’t shove fitness down his throat because when I started, I promised him I wouldn’t. Well, since Thanksgiving, he has blown up on me three different occasions, telling me he wished he’d never invested in our home gym and is sick of watching me eat the way I do. We used to eat very unhealthy together, but now it doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t know what to do. I have eaten this whole weekend things he considers non diet foods, but I told him Monday I’m going back to my diet because I still have some weight I want to lose. I don’t understand what I put in my mouth has to do with what he puts in his. He got angry because I can finally go hiking again, but he doesn’t want me to even do that. I’m not giving up on something I feel is important and that is a part of me just to make him happy, but I fear we may lose our relationship if I don’t. I’m also a recovering drug addict, clean for 5 years and I feel I need some sort of outlet, which fitness has become . What would you guys do?
How often do you reassure him that you love and care about him? Or is it just arguments?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Even if it does make him angry, you two need to talk. You can't avoid it, as it seems he is angry without you two talking about it.5
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My husband is the same way. He’s currently up set about me finally getting my dental work done so I can have new teeth and it really bothers him. It would be great to know why but that’s an argument I don’t feel like listening to so I just do me and let him get mad. If he dosent like it that’s his problem and insecurity’s. He knows I love him and that’s all that matters3
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It's a red flag for me that you have twice mentioned having to avoid making him angry. So what if he gets angry? If you are afraid of him, you need to fix that, by whatever means necessary, including leaving.
PS My husband also has red hair. It's not an excuse for bad behavior.14 -
Your husband might think you're losing weight because you want to divorce him. There's research out there that shows a lot of women have done that just before a divorce. My husband used to think the same way years ago when I attempted to lose weight. Yeah, it's kind of sabotaging isn't it? At one hand you want to do it for your health and to be healthier for life, on the other it changes the dynamic in relationships.
The best advice I can offer is to make sure you make time for him. Schedule dates with him, give him your uninterrupted attention and he'll know he's still a priority. Significant others get the impression they're on the back burner when they see their partners take up something new with enthusiasm.2 -
This is a very tough situation and I hope you can find a way to solve it. I was in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. He was trying to make me gain weight because of his insecurities about his looks & weight. I was telling him time to time that he should lose some weight and he tried a few times but he couldn't because he was drinking a lot. After a while, I started to eat a lot and ended up gaining 15-16 lbs. I just didn't know why I was always feeling hungry until one day I caught him adding something appetite-enhancing to my food. I filed a lawsuit against the *kitten*. I totally understand how you feel and honestly I don't think that you talking to him will be enough. I think you should see a professional.6
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Self-esteem/self-worth would be my guess. The anger seems more about inner self and the lack of ambition to do what you're doing but jealous of the results. Depression is a probable factor. JMO. Funny how the path you are on is one of the ways to pull him out of it. Professional help is most likely the way to repair the problem.1
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I've been in that situation before, I can sympathize. I'm probably parroting what you've already been told at this point. Keep doing what you're doing. Your health is important, and it sounds like you've made so many improvements that it would be a shame to backtrack at this point. Have a talk with him, seek counseling if need be! I'm sure your relationship is something you don't want to sacrifice, but please don't let your health fail to save it either. It's a thin rope, I know. You can do this.4
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If you have trouble talking about the issue with him I recommend seeking counseling.
The answer is not to stop what makes you feel good and healthy but figuring out why he is getting mad and helping him deal with his emotions better.5 -
kakaovanilya wrote: »This is a very tough situation and I hope you can find a way to solve it. I was in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. He was trying to make me gain weight because of his insecurities about his looks & weight. I was telling him time to time that he should lose some weight and he tried a few times but he couldn't because he was drinking a lot. After a while, I started to eat a lot and ended up gaining 15-16 lbs. I just didn't know why I was always feeling hungry until one day I caught him adding something appetite-enhancing to my food. I filed a lawsuit against the *kitten*. I totally understand how you feel and honestly I don't think that you talking to him will be enough. I think you should see a professional.
Oh. My. Gosh!!!!!
What a psychopath!! Glad he is your ex...1 -
Good for you kicking drugs. If your daughter is mirroring your healthy habits now, where would she be if you hadn't? And good for you getting back to a place where you can do what you have to and still have enough left to do what you like. Sounds like you're doing absolutely great and will find a way to resolve the rest of your problems.
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GemstoneofHeart wrote: »kakaovanilya wrote: »This is a very tough situation and I hope you can find a way to solve it. I was in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. He was trying to make me gain weight because of his insecurities about his looks & weight. I was telling him time to time that he should lose some weight and he tried a few times but he couldn't because he was drinking a lot. After a while, I started to eat a lot and ended up gaining 15-16 lbs. I just didn't know why I was always feeling hungry until one day I caught him adding something appetite-enhancing to my food. I filed a lawsuit against the *kitten*. I totally understand how you feel and honestly I don't think that you talking to him will be enough. I think you should see a professional.
Oh. My. Gosh!!!!!
What a psychopath!! Glad he is your ex...
Total psycopath!! Thanks, I'm glad, too.1 -
When a person feels like their SO can go on without them, it sometimes makes them feel pretty worthless.brittneynathan0579 wrote: »Hey guys,
I need advice!! I started this healthy lifestyle in January and went from 236 lbs to 184 lbs. I’ve given up alcohol, smoking, and caffeine. I finally got to where I love what I eat and I enjoy my workouts. My daughter saw my results and so she just recently joined this healthy way of living with me. That being said, my husband has not lived this way and resents me for it. He is overweight and since we don’t drink anymore, he uses food as a crutch. I don’t shove fitness down his throat because when I started, I promised him I wouldn’t. Well, since Thanksgiving, he has blown up on me three different occasions, telling me he wished he’d never invested in our home gym and is sick of watching me eat the way I do. We used to eat very unhealthy together, but now it doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t know what to do. I have eaten this whole weekend things he considers non diet foods, but I told him Monday I’m going back to my diet because I still have some weight I want to lose. I don’t understand what I put in my mouth has to do with what he puts in his. He got angry because I can finally go hiking again, but he doesn’t want me to even do that. I’m not giving up on something I feel is important and that is a part of me just to make him happy, but I fear we may lose our relationship if I don’t. I’m also a recovering drug addict, clean for 5 years and I feel I need some sort of outlet, which fitness has become . What would you guys do?
How often do you reassure him that you love and care about him? Or is it just arguments?
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I’m always reassuring him. I think he’s unsure of what to do with me now that we don’t drink together. He sometimes has cravings to drink, especially during stressful times. I know I could always make improvements so I’m going to maybe suggest a date night where it’s just me and him. Thank you so much!!
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I was wondering when the abuse brigade was going to come out!
It doesn’t really amount to abuse. That’s taking it way too far. It’s clear her husband has insecurities and it’s up to them as a couple to work it out!
It might not be that he’s getting mad as such but he’s getting in the defensive as it’s a sensitive issue for him, a lot is changing, he probably feels left behind and he probably is a little jealous but lacks the will power to achieve it, he could be a little depressed, anything.
Before I even started my journey my partners exact words were “don’t be trying to lose all this weight to look good and then decide you can do better and leave me”
He just told me straight what was worrying him, I told him straight that that wouldn’t happen and I’m doing it for my own self-esteem!
My partner had a mental health disorder and he can be a right t!t
And yes I’ll avoid situations that make him mad. Not because I’m scared of him, because why would I want to upset him? And tbh half the time I just can’t be bothered, not worth arguing about!
Anyway, OP you are doing fantastically and you shouldn’t let this situation stop you from what you’re doing. But time to get to the bottom of how he’s feeling and see how you can help your husband! See if he wants help joining you, he might be embarrassed. It could be anything. If he gets mad just ask him to calm down and your trying to help and to stop pushing you away. Be patient. (I have to be extremely patient with my OH and have to bite my tongue half the time but it always works out and we get to the bottom of it)
And another congratulations for your 5 year clean! That is massively impressive!
Don’t dampen your achievements, you’ve done exceptionally well!
Keep going!!
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Another twist, maybe he thinks you aren't fun anymore? Drinking and eating without abandon are social activities. I'm not sure if I'm wording this correctly. Maybe the loss of his "buddy" is scaring him?6
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See, getting mad because the two of you disagree on handling a matter is one thing. There’s always give and take in a marriage.
But getting mad because the partner is making healthy choices for themselves, that’s twisted.8 -
Although not as serious as your situation I do experience some "Husband Hurdles".
The difference is that I am the fatter one in the relationship and always was. He nudged me for years to do something about it and now that it's happening, he buys me ice cream, set up movie nights at candlelight and tells me that gym will still be there tomorrow, interrupts my work out with important-can't-wait kinda man-stuff that is rarely important to me, pushes me to go out and have a few drinks, and when I dress up now, while he doesn't say anything directly about it, he snaps at me for the smallest things or make overly crude jokes.
It's insecurity on his behalf. We talked about it. He is scared that other men will come and sweep me off my feet or that by becoming too confident in myself that I would leave him.
I indulge him when I can so we still have some connection and point to him when his behaviour upsets me. My advice is to find a way to make him benefit from your new found fitness. Dress sexy for his eyes alone, try new stuff in the bedroom. And it will make you both have a good time. Or find something that you both like doing that would make him a part of your new life. He probably needs to feel he is still the male of your life.3 -
Congratulations on your healthy choices and weight loss. It sounds like you are motivated to get healthy and your husband isn’t. He has to want it for himself but he does not have the right to derail your progress. You’ve even inspired your daughter, which is wonderful. It sounds like he feels threatened by your lifestyle changes. That can be difficult for a relationship but he is an adult, right? If he feels threatened or worried he should come to you to talk about it.
Communication is important in any partnership. Can he live with the fact that you choose to be healthier? Can you live with him being angry about it and/or sabotaging your progress?
If he can’t talk to you by himself then counseling sounds appropriate.3 -
Honey, he's angry at himself, not at you. YOU can't fix this. He sounds like he's angry at your healthy choices forcing him to look at his own UNHEALTHY choices and he's taking out the way he feels about himself on you. And I totally agree with other commenters, huge red flag that you avoid making him angry. What you eat has no bearing on him. This isn't quite right. I'm not married so I hesitate to run to things like separation and stuff because I know marriage is a serious commitment.5
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