Obese Child, Separate Homes
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whosshe
Posts: 597 Member
Was debating putting this in the "Challenges" forum lol
I have an almost 6 year old daughter and she is obese. Her father and I have not been together since she was born so she spends one week with me, one week with him, and this goes on forever. Since I started counting calories (8 months ago) I've been hyper aware of the calories that not only I eat but also that she eats (I don't count her calories lol I'm just more aware of the portion sizes I give her). We don't eat out (for money reasons not for calorie reasons), I don't keep candy/cookies in the house (I buy them for special occasions), and she doesn't snack with me really. She eats breakfast, lunch, supper and maybe a tiny snack to tie her over until supper like an apple or something.
Okay so she's at my house for a week where we eat good, home cooked meals and obviously since I count my calories the meals are relatively low calorie, but then she goes to her dad's.
I've been noticing her dad and his girlfriend gaining weight for some time now. She has a babysitter (at her dad's) who is morbidly obese and my daughter tells me the babysitter gives her chocolate whenever she asks (ugh). They eat out several times a week, maybe even several times a day. I know my daughter is eating way more than she needs to at her dad's.
I need to get this dealt with now but I have no idea how to bring it up. I don't want her dad to feel like I'm blaming him. He probably has no idea he's doing this. I've written many messages to him and deleted them because they sound rude. I don't want to sound rude but I also don't want my daughter to have totally preventable health problems.
I'm not expecting anyone to be able to relate. I just have no idea how I even go about starting the conversation with him. I'm worried about my daughter's health and I shouldn't be worried about his feelings but I want to bring it up in the right way so that he actually listens to me and doesn't just disregard my advice.
I have an almost 6 year old daughter and she is obese. Her father and I have not been together since she was born so she spends one week with me, one week with him, and this goes on forever. Since I started counting calories (8 months ago) I've been hyper aware of the calories that not only I eat but also that she eats (I don't count her calories lol I'm just more aware of the portion sizes I give her). We don't eat out (for money reasons not for calorie reasons), I don't keep candy/cookies in the house (I buy them for special occasions), and she doesn't snack with me really. She eats breakfast, lunch, supper and maybe a tiny snack to tie her over until supper like an apple or something.
Okay so she's at my house for a week where we eat good, home cooked meals and obviously since I count my calories the meals are relatively low calorie, but then she goes to her dad's.
I've been noticing her dad and his girlfriend gaining weight for some time now. She has a babysitter (at her dad's) who is morbidly obese and my daughter tells me the babysitter gives her chocolate whenever she asks (ugh). They eat out several times a week, maybe even several times a day. I know my daughter is eating way more than she needs to at her dad's.
I need to get this dealt with now but I have no idea how to bring it up. I don't want her dad to feel like I'm blaming him. He probably has no idea he's doing this. I've written many messages to him and deleted them because they sound rude. I don't want to sound rude but I also don't want my daughter to have totally preventable health problems.
I'm not expecting anyone to be able to relate. I just have no idea how I even go about starting the conversation with him. I'm worried about my daughter's health and I shouldn't be worried about his feelings but I want to bring it up in the right way so that he actually listens to me and doesn't just disregard my advice.
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Replies
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This is really more of a relationship issue.
How do you guys normally co-parent? Are things going well or is every conversation a struggle/argument? Assuming things are otherwise good, how do you normally communicate? Text, email, phone, in-person? I would just bring it up in a casual way. Maybe "Hey, when you have some time can we chat about daughter's weight? I have some concerns." You don't need to write a novel to start the conversation, he may not even realize what's going on. Also, kids go to the doctor fairly regularly, does her doctor have any concerns? That might be a good place to start. Don't mention dad/girlfriend/babysitter's weight. That's likely to make them feel like you're blaming them, even it that's not the case. Just offer solutions for making healthier choices (veggies as a side instead of fries when eating out, smaller portions, water instead of juice/soda, etc.) and you could certainly ask that the babysitter not provide chocolate.9 -
Boy, that's tough.
Could you talk to her doctor about your concerns? Could your ex to come with you? Maybe he'd take it more seriously if he heard it from a doctor.11 -
I would maybe approach this by taking her for annual physical exam to her pedestrian. And they will measure her and record her stats in the chart, and most likely dr will talk to you about it, or if not, you can always ask. Plus, it will be happening with your daughter present, so she can be part of conversation of being aware of how our bodies deal with energy we get from food,using it for growth, storing extra for a rainy day, etc. Pediatricians are usually good with those conversations, providing that you have a good dr. And then you can talk to her dad about it, armed with the knowledge where she is supposed to be on the growth chart vs where she is now and where she's headed if nothing is going to change. From what you said about him, he loves your daughter and hopefully can make needed changes. Good luck5
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I don't think you should make the parenting choices at the other home an issue. Leave it alone. You can't control it, monitor it, or make anyone behave. Continue to model good choices on the weeks you have your daughter and let her learn lessons from that.15
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I would blame the Dr or school nurse. So-and So brought up daughter's weight. They asked me what her normal diet was and how many calories. I know at my home she eats xxxx. But I don't know what to say for your home.
If you can't use Dr then maybe a friend he doesn't know about.
The other option is to help your daughter understand good food choices. That's touchy because we don't want to give them unhealthy relationship to food, but helping her understand that even if it tastes good she may not want to eat it because it doesn't give her energy or brain power.6 -
I don't think you should make the parenting choices at the other home an issue. Leave it alone. You can't control it, monitor it, or make anyone behave. Continue to model good choices on the weeks you have your daughter and let her learn lessons from that.
Agree with this. Lived through it with my step-daughter. Ate well at our home, ate like an unrestrained 6-year-old in a candy store (which she basically was) at her mother's. Absolutely nothing we could do (but her mom wasn't open to any communication).5 -
This is really more of a relationship issue.
How do you guys normally co-parent? Are things going well or is every conversation a struggle/argument? Assuming things are otherwise good, how do you normally communicate? Text, email, phone, in-person? I would just bring it up in a casual way. Maybe "Hey, when you have some time can we chat about daughter's weight? I have some concerns." You don't need to write a novel to start the conversation, he may not even realize what's going on. Also, kids go to the doctor fairly regularly, does her doctor have any concerns? That might be a good place to start. Don't mention dad/girlfriend/babysitter's weight. That's likely to make them feel like you're blaming them, even it that's not the case. Just offer solutions for making healthier choices (veggies as a side instead of fries when eating out, smaller portions, water instead of juice/soda, etc.) and you could certainly ask that the babysitter not provide chocolate.
You're right about it being more of a relationship issue. We normally text, we only see each other in person about once a month when "the switch" falls on a holiday. Our relationship is definitely better than it's ever been, it's been a long 6 years that's for sure.
I would never bring up anyone's weight lol was more for this post than anything. Most of the people on that side of the family are on the bigger side and give her food whenever she wants.
Good advice thank you!4 -
I don't think you should make the parenting choices at the other home an issue. Leave it alone. You can't control it, monitor it, or make anyone behave. Continue to model good choices on the weeks you have your daughter and let her learn lessons from that.
This is what I've been doing and this is what I was leaning towards (I'm not much of a talker lol). I'm afraid that even if I brought it up there would be no change. Especially because it would make them look at their own habits and if they're not ready to do that then I'm SOL.1 -
How do you deal with your dd's health problems? If your 6 year old is obese hasn't her doctor brought up the issue and given advice? Can't you just say what the doctor has advised?
Maybe ask them to go with you and your dd to the doctor.
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I'd say if he truly loves his girl, which I'm sure he does, pointing out the health concerns should help. Never been in the separate houses situation so I don't have much more advice than if I were your ex, I'd want to be doing whatever I could for the health of my child.3
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How do you deal with your dd's health problems? If your 6 year old is obese hasn't her doctor brought up the issue and given advice? Can't you just say what the doctor has advised?
Maybe ask them to go with you and your dd to the doctor.
We don't go to the doctor much. She's due for some vaccinations so we'll be going soon.
I was raised with not going to the doctor unless something was wrong. So I haven't been to her doctor for any of this yet. That's my next step.
We're in Canada so all we have is a "family doctor" and he's honestly so awful. It can take 10+ years to get on a list to get a new doctor. Most of the time you can't even get a new doctor until yours retires.0 -
I don't think you should make the parenting choices at the other home an issue. Leave it alone. You can't control it, monitor it, or make anyone behave. Continue to model good choices on the weeks you have your daughter and let her learn lessons from that.
This ^^
Also get her involved in any sports that she likes, keep her active.2 -
RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »I don't think you should make the parenting choices at the other home an issue. Leave it alone. You can't control it, monitor it, or make anyone behave. Continue to model good choices on the weeks you have your daughter and let her learn lessons from that.
This ^^
Also get her involved in any sports that she likes, keep her active.
Yes I was definitely thinking this.2 -
I would maybe approach this by taking her for annual physical exam to her pedestrian. And they will measure her and record her stats in the chart, and most likely dr will talk to you about it, or if not, you can always ask. Plus, it will be happening with your daughter present, so she can be part of conversation of being aware of how our bodies deal with energy we get from food,using it for growth, storing extra for a rainy day, etc. Pediatricians are usually good with those conversations, providing that you have a good dr. And then you can talk to her dad about it, armed with the knowledge where she is supposed to be on the growth chart vs where she is now and where she's headed if nothing is going to change. From what you said about him, he loves your daughter and hopefully can make needed changes. Good luck
This is what I will probably do. I'll just report back what the doctor says and he can do what he wants with the information. Because @jgnatca is right. I can't control how they do things at their home.
Thanks everyone! I've been worried about this for a while now. I thought it was my duty to do something about it but now I feel better knowing it's out of my control at her dad's and that that's okay. I'll continue to model good behaviour and she'll probably pick up a few good habits from me. Her father and that side of her family do love her so much. She's a lucky kid.7 -
Why not just talk to her about it? Not mentioning her weight gain, but perhaps bringing it up as a hey I’d like your help with my eating habits because it’s important for me to be healthy and have the energy I need for you. Teach her about good nutrition and why it’s important, for both of you.
My daughters 7, We tend to read something like the Berenstain Bears and too much junk food when I notice snacking or junk food becoming a little excessive.
My husband works away on a two and two schedule and the two weeks he’s gone our eating is pretty decent buuuuuuut when he’s home we all kind of eat like unsupervised children, pizza, junk food, fast food.0 -
Start with seeing the doctor, and see what he thinks. If he is concerned, then maybe talk to your ex. I agree that it should be more along the lines of "hey the doctor brought it up, I could only speak for my house. This is what I am going to do to fix things at my house, I hope you guys will consider doing something at your home too".
Cook together, and in addition to finding her an activity, find one for the two of you to do together. Dance party Friday nights? Walks after dinner?4 -
You said that you only visit the doctor when something is wrong. Something is already wrong. Ask the doctor if your daughter is on the road to pre-diabetes. Ask the doctor for a written copy of the notes, with the weight charts and concerns and suggestions for addressing the issue. After you have that information, text your ex and say you’ll be mailing him a copy. Maybe seeing in in writing from a professional would help.9
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I think you are on the right track. You aren't going to be able to change the world around her, or her whole other side of the family. All you can do is give her the tools she needs to be healthy and help her adopt habits that she will carry into adulthood. You can certainly bring it up with the ex, but really, it's not likely to be a priority for him or his family to change their diets (that's such a personal decision). I love the idea of getting her into a sport. Swim team, track, soccer, dance, anything with frequent practice both keeps her out of the house (and away from the food) and develops a pattern of activity that will hopefully follow her.
At home you can also start getting her involved in meal prep and making her own snacks and lunches so she develops the skills to make her own healthy meals (and hopefully also picks up a taste for some of the healthier options). If her go to snack is fruits and veggies because she knows what she likes and how to prepare it, it will help reduce the reaching for a bag of chips or snack bars.3 -
DebLaBounty wrote: »You said that you only visit the doctor when something is wrong. Something is already wrong. Ask the doctor if your daughter is on the road to pre-diabetes. Ask the doctor for a written copy of the notes, with the weight charts and concerns and suggestions for addressing the issue. After you have that information, text your ex and say you’ll be mailing him a copy. Maybe seeing in in writing from a professional would help.
I said my parents never brought me to the doctor's unless something was wrong. I was obese as a child. It's not something I would think to go to the doctor's for honestly. I never went to the doctor's for my obesity as an adult.
I'm going to bring her tho. Our doctor isn't the most helpful but maybe we can get some blood work done or something just to make sure it's not affecting her atm.0 -
Why not just talk to her about it? Not mentioning her weight gain, but perhaps bringing it up as a hey I’d like your help with my eating habits because it’s important for me to be healthy and have the energy I need for you. Teach her about good nutrition and why it’s important, for both of you.
My daughters 7, We tend to read something like the Berenstain Bears and too much junk food when I notice snacking or junk food becoming a little excessive.
My husband works away on a two and two schedule and the two weeks he’s gone our eating is pretty decent buuuuuuut when he’s home we all kind of eat like unsupervised children, pizza, junk food, fast food.
For sure I don't mention her weight. I talk to her all the time about being healthy and she understands. She loves my cooking even goes so far as to compliment my broccoli cooking skills (thanks? lol) it's once she goes to her dad's. They have their own habits over there and she's accustomed to them. She knows she gets fast food and candy all the time and what kid can say "no thanks" to that? lol
I'll look into some kids books about it. That sounds like a good idea.2
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