Obese Child, Separate Homes

whosshe
whosshe Posts: 597 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Was debating putting this in the "Challenges" forum lol

I have an almost 6 year old daughter and she is obese. Her father and I have not been together since she was born so she spends one week with me, one week with him, and this goes on forever. Since I started counting calories (8 months ago) I've been hyper aware of the calories that not only I eat but also that she eats (I don't count her calories lol I'm just more aware of the portion sizes I give her). We don't eat out (for money reasons not for calorie reasons), I don't keep candy/cookies in the house (I buy them for special occasions), and she doesn't snack with me really. She eats breakfast, lunch, supper and maybe a tiny snack to tie her over until supper like an apple or something.

Okay so she's at my house for a week where we eat good, home cooked meals and obviously since I count my calories the meals are relatively low calorie, but then she goes to her dad's.

I've been noticing her dad and his girlfriend gaining weight for some time now. She has a babysitter (at her dad's) who is morbidly obese and my daughter tells me the babysitter gives her chocolate whenever she asks (ugh). They eat out several times a week, maybe even several times a day. I know my daughter is eating way more than she needs to at her dad's.

I need to get this dealt with now but I have no idea how to bring it up. I don't want her dad to feel like I'm blaming him. He probably has no idea he's doing this. I've written many messages to him and deleted them because they sound rude. I don't want to sound rude but I also don't want my daughter to have totally preventable health problems.

I'm not expecting anyone to be able to relate. I just have no idea how I even go about starting the conversation with him. I'm worried about my daughter's health and I shouldn't be worried about his feelings but I want to bring it up in the right way so that he actually listens to me and doesn't just disregard my advice.
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Replies

  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    rcervetto wrote: »
    This is really more of a relationship issue.

    How do you guys normally co-parent? Are things going well or is every conversation a struggle/argument? Assuming things are otherwise good, how do you normally communicate? Text, email, phone, in-person? I would just bring it up in a casual way. Maybe "Hey, when you have some time can we chat about daughter's weight? I have some concerns." You don't need to write a novel to start the conversation, he may not even realize what's going on. Also, kids go to the doctor fairly regularly, does her doctor have any concerns? That might be a good place to start. Don't mention dad/girlfriend/babysitter's weight. That's likely to make them feel like you're blaming them, even it that's not the case. Just offer solutions for making healthier choices (veggies as a side instead of fries when eating out, smaller portions, water instead of juice/soda, etc.) and you could certainly ask that the babysitter not provide chocolate.

    You're right about it being more of a relationship issue. We normally text, we only see each other in person about once a month when "the switch" falls on a holiday. Our relationship is definitely better than it's ever been, it's been a long 6 years that's for sure.

    I would never bring up anyone's weight lol was more for this post than anything. Most of the people on that side of the family are on the bigger side and give her food whenever she wants.

    Good advice thank you!
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    jgnatca wrote: »
    I don't think you should make the parenting choices at the other home an issue. Leave it alone. You can't control it, monitor it, or make anyone behave. Continue to model good choices on the weeks you have your daughter and let her learn lessons from that.

    This is what I've been doing and this is what I was leaning towards (I'm not much of a talker lol). I'm afraid that even if I brought it up there would be no change. Especially because it would make them look at their own habits and if they're not ready to do that then I'm SOL.
  • TravisJHunt
    TravisJHunt Posts: 533 Member
    I'd say if he truly loves his girl, which I'm sure he does, pointing out the health concerns should help. Never been in the separate houses situation so I don't have much more advice than if I were your ex, I'd want to be doing whatever I could for the health of my child.
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    edited January 2018
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    How do you deal with your dd's health problems? If your 6 year old is obese hasn't her doctor brought up the issue and given advice? Can't you just say what the doctor has advised?
    Maybe ask them to go with you and your dd to the doctor.


    We don't go to the doctor much. She's due for some vaccinations so we'll be going soon.

    I was raised with not going to the doctor unless something was wrong. So I haven't been to her doctor for any of this yet. That's my next step.

    We're in Canada so all we have is a "family doctor" and he's honestly so awful. It can take 10+ years to get on a list to get a new doctor. Most of the time you can't even get a new doctor until yours retires.
  • RuNaRoUnDaFiEld
    RuNaRoUnDaFiEld Posts: 5,864 Member
    jgnatca wrote: »
    I don't think you should make the parenting choices at the other home an issue. Leave it alone. You can't control it, monitor it, or make anyone behave. Continue to model good choices on the weeks you have your daughter and let her learn lessons from that.

    This ^^

    Also get her involved in any sports that she likes, keep her active.
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »
    jgnatca wrote: »
    I don't think you should make the parenting choices at the other home an issue. Leave it alone. You can't control it, monitor it, or make anyone behave. Continue to model good choices on the weeks you have your daughter and let her learn lessons from that.

    This ^^

    Also get her involved in any sports that she likes, keep her active.

    Yes I was definitely thinking this.
  • threec
    threec Posts: 97 Member
    Why not just talk to her about it? Not mentioning her weight gain, but perhaps bringing it up as a hey I’d like your help with my eating habits because it’s important for me to be healthy and have the energy I need for you. Teach her about good nutrition and why it’s important, for both of you.

    My daughters 7, We tend to read something like the Berenstain Bears and too much junk food when I notice snacking or junk food becoming a little excessive.

    My husband works away on a two and two schedule and the two weeks he’s gone our eating is pretty decent buuuuuuut when he’s home we all kind of eat like unsupervised children, pizza, junk food, fast food.
  • ashliedelgado
    ashliedelgado Posts: 814 Member
    Start with seeing the doctor, and see what he thinks. If he is concerned, then maybe talk to your ex. I agree that it should be more along the lines of "hey the doctor brought it up, I could only speak for my house. This is what I am going to do to fix things at my house, I hope you guys will consider doing something at your home too".

    Cook together, and in addition to finding her an activity, find one for the two of you to do together. Dance party Friday nights? Walks after dinner?
  • 0305bp
    0305bp Posts: 20 Member
    edited January 2018
    I think you are on the right track. You aren't going to be able to change the world around her, or her whole other side of the family. All you can do is give her the tools she needs to be healthy and help her adopt habits that she will carry into adulthood. You can certainly bring it up with the ex, but really, it's not likely to be a priority for him or his family to change their diets (that's such a personal decision). I love the idea of getting her into a sport. Swim team, track, soccer, dance, anything with frequent practice both keeps her out of the house (and away from the food) and develops a pattern of activity that will hopefully follow her.

    At home you can also start getting her involved in meal prep and making her own snacks and lunches so she develops the skills to make her own healthy meals (and hopefully also picks up a taste for some of the healthier options). If her go to snack is fruits and veggies because she knows what she likes and how to prepare it, it will help reduce the reaching for a bag of chips or snack bars.
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    DebLaBounty wrote: »
    You said that you only visit the doctor when something is wrong. Something is already wrong. Ask the doctor if your daughter is on the road to pre-diabetes. Ask the doctor for a written copy of the notes, with the weight charts and concerns and suggestions for addressing the issue. After you have that information, text your ex and say you’ll be mailing him a copy. Maybe seeing in in writing from a professional would help.

    I said my parents never brought me to the doctor's unless something was wrong. I was obese as a child. It's not something I would think to go to the doctor's for honestly. I never went to the doctor's for my obesity as an adult.

    I'm going to bring her tho. Our doctor isn't the most helpful but maybe we can get some blood work done or something just to make sure it's not affecting her atm.
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    threec wrote: »
    Why not just talk to her about it? Not mentioning her weight gain, but perhaps bringing it up as a hey I’d like your help with my eating habits because it’s important for me to be healthy and have the energy I need for you. Teach her about good nutrition and why it’s important, for both of you.

    My daughters 7, We tend to read something like the Berenstain Bears and too much junk food when I notice snacking or junk food becoming a little excessive.

    My husband works away on a two and two schedule and the two weeks he’s gone our eating is pretty decent buuuuuuut when he’s home we all kind of eat like unsupervised children, pizza, junk food, fast food.

    For sure I don't mention her weight. I talk to her all the time about being healthy and she understands. She loves my cooking even goes so far as to compliment my broccoli cooking skills (thanks? lol) it's once she goes to her dad's. They have their own habits over there and she's accustomed to them. She knows she gets fast food and candy all the time and what kid can say "no thanks" to that? lol

    I'll look into some kids books about it. That sounds like a good idea.
  • gogetemrogue
    gogetemrogue Posts: 80 Member
    Commenting on your daughter's weight can make her more likely to be fat as an adult. The article cites a study that is behind a paywall, but it would seem the gist is that women who recall their parents being more critical of their weight were both more likely to have a higher BMI and higher levels of dissatisfaction with their weight. Proceed with caution, even if only mentioning the weight to her father, as he might relay what was said to your daughter or discuss it within earshot of her.

    Others in this thread have discussed modeling healthy habits and getting her involved in active hobbies, which I will fully endorse.
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    roguepsyche wrote: »
    Commenting on your daughter's weight can make her more likely to be fat as an adult. The article cites a study that is behind a paywall, but it would seem the gist is that women who recall their parents being more critical of their weight were both more likely to have a higher BMI and higher levels of dissatisfaction with their weight. Proceed with caution, even if only mentioning the weight to her father, as he might relay what was said to your daughter or discuss it within earshot of her.

    Others in this thread have discussed modeling healthy habits and getting her involved in active hobbies, which I will fully endorse.

    Trust me I know. I make sure to never bring up her weight if she's around. My parents brought up my weight a lot when I was a child and well, here I am. The only reason I know her weight is because she loves to hop on my bathroom scale. She doesn't even know what the numbers mean.

    I'm definitely going to look into some sort of sport.
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  • Iseulte
    Iseulte Posts: 55 Member
    When my oldest son's weight began trending in the wrong direction, I began to get him involved in the meal planning process. We made a game out of trying new healthy foods and now he has reached a healthier weight and does the research on his own for fun. He even does a good deal of the cooking now that he is a teenager! Your daughter is the right age to enjoy helping you plan nutritious meals. Most kids tend to share the things they think are fun, so she may carry that with her to her father's house.
  • animatorswearbras
    animatorswearbras Posts: 1,001 Member
    As for the chocolate, candy and sugary drinks thing you could maybe say you're worried about her getting tooth decay and you'd prefer if she only had water for most of her beverages and limited access to candy and cookies etc. ;D

    I do think you need to have a word though she's not old enough to turn down junk as you say and obesity comes with alot of health problems, it is hard to find the most diplomatic route but its not just about him he's making his daughter unhealthy so his feelings and inevitable self reflection take second place.

    I would take her to the doctor get the medical and then text him saying you were admonished by the doctor that your daughter is obese and he's compelled you to work together to get her to a healthy weight without telling your daughter she's obese but educating her about healthy food and the importance of exercise. I do think a third party authority figure is the best way though as he can't blame you for medical advice you've been compelled to share. ;)
  • 0305bp
    0305bp Posts: 20 Member
    Something else as she gets a bit older is actually being responsible for a dinner a week. That is something she can take to her dads house as well. They likely do a lot of fast food because it's easy and available, once she is old enough to meal prep she will have more control.

    At her current age you can definitely get her involved in some of the fun shopping aspect. If you have farmers markets or ethic markets with local or exotic fruits or veggies you can get her excited about trying new things. You can even order dragon fruit, star fruit, kumquats, persimmons, etc on-line and taste them together and bring them to gatherings as a special treat. If you make fruits and veggies exciting and something to be explored, shared, and savored, that excitement is contagious.
  • youngmomtaz
    youngmomtaz Posts: 1,075 Member
    edited January 2018
    I wonder if it would be helpful to make an appt with your daughters doc for you and your ex to attend without your daughter? Maybe they could shed some light on better food choices and activity goals for someone her age and in turn help your ex see that it is an issue that is not so hard to deal with and can be done with small changes fairly easily. Hugs to you, this can’t be an easy situation.

    ETA: yup, I should read before posting. Already suggested I see.
  • toxikon
    toxikon Posts: 2,383 Member
    eliciaobrien1 wrote: »
    roguepsyche wrote: »
    Commenting on your daughter's weight can make her more likely to be fat as an adult. The article cites a study that is behind a paywall, but it would seem the gist is that women who recall their parents being more critical of their weight were both more likely to have a higher BMI and higher levels of dissatisfaction with their weight. Proceed with caution, even if only mentioning the weight to her father, as he might relay what was said to your daughter or discuss it within earshot of her.

    Others in this thread have discussed modeling healthy habits and getting her involved in active hobbies, which I will fully endorse.

    Trust me I know. I make sure to never bring up her weight if she's around. My parents brought up my weight a lot when I was a child and well, here I am. The only reason I know her weight is because she loves to hop on my bathroom scale. She doesn't even know what the numbers mean.

    I'm definitely going to look into some sort of sport.

    You sound like a great mom, good luck. I'm sure many of us have experiences with a parent (or parental figure) saying something not-so-nice about our bodies and us holding onto those insecurities for a long time. It's tough being an overweight kid, that's for sure!
  • apullum
    apullum Posts: 4,838 Member
    I like the idea of encouraging your daughter to take up any sort of physical activity that she enjoys. Maybe that's joining a sports team, or doing more active things with you. It sounds like a good way to teach the importance of exercise without making it directly weight-related. You can talk with her about all of the other benefits of being active.

    I was a fat kid and I hated exercise, probably because gym class was a nightmare--other kids made fun of me, the gym teachers shamed me. My family also did not do any sort of physical activity. By the time my mom started suggesting that I might like to join a sports team, I had already decided that sports were not for me. If you can make exercise fun for her at a young age, that would help in so many ways throughout her life.
  • whosshe
    whosshe Posts: 597 Member
    apullum wrote: »
    I like the idea of encouraging your daughter to take up any sort of physical activity that she enjoys. Maybe that's joining a sports team, or doing more active things with you. It sounds like a good way to teach the importance of exercise without making it directly weight-related. You can talk with her about all of the other benefits of being active.

    I was a fat kid and I hated exercise, probably because gym class was a nightmare--other kids made fun of me, the gym teachers shamed me. My family also did not do any sort of physical activity. By the time my mom started suggesting that I might like to join a sports team, I had already decided that sports were not for me. If you can make exercise fun for her at a young age, that would help in so many ways throughout her life.

    That sounds like me to a T.

    I'm trying to be more active with her. I've already done more activities with her in her 6 years of life than my parents ever did with me. We love camping/hiking, I just took her out to shovel with me and we're going to go sledding soon. I still don't enjoy physical activity as much as I might have if I was put into sports as a kid. I would hate for that to happen to my daughter. I missed out on a lot and got into a lot of trouble because of it.

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