Quitting Smoking - A Diary

After being a smoker for close to 25 years, I'm finally getting around to kicking the habit. This will serve as a diary of the early days of my effort for accountability purposes and maybe provide some motivation/advice to others.

I've tried to quit before but never had a good reason to stay quit. As backwards as it sounds, any smoker can attest to the fact that health alone isn't a very compelling reason to quit when staring a massive nicotine craving in the face. This time around I have a very good (and tangible) reason to quit - my first baby is due in about 6 weeks.

Pro-tip: You need a reason to quit smoking. Something that is immediate, tangible, and important to you. If you do not have a driving reason to quit smoking, you will not quit. It's that simple.

I'm also choosing to forego any nicotine replacement therapies. After having used them in the past, I don't think they're particularly helpful because they continue/extend the addiction to nicotine (and by extension, to cigarettes). IMO the longer you maintain your physical addiction, the greater chance there is that you will have another cigarette (I can personally attest to this from experience).

I'm going cold turkey this time around...get the nicotine out of my body asap and end the physical addiction as quickly as possible. Basically, take advantage of the fact that I will be most determined to quit early in the process. While the cravings and withdrawal symptoms might be more intense this way, I'll be taking them on when I am most motivated to deal with them.

In addition, while conventional wisdom says to remove all 'triggers' from your presence (throw out cigarettes, abstain from drinking, etc.), I'm taking an alternative approach. I am not a gentle flower that needs coddling. If my willpower collapses simply because temptation is close by then I haven't really quit. I would only be a smoker without the opportunity to smoke.

If I can quit despite having an open pack of cigarettes in the house or despite having a few drinks. Then I will truly be a non-smoker.

For background, I lost about 50 pounds over the last 7 months and started exercising in earnest to get myself ready for the baby and for the ordeal of quitting smoking. While I've technically been in maintenance for a while, I've allowed my weight to drop ~10 pounds below target to give myself some leeway to have a snack instead of a smoke for the first few weeks.

Here we go...

Day 0:

It's a Friday, my last day of smoking. An awesome dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, about five Old Fashioneds, and a ton of cigarettes while out. While having just one more butt after returning home, I realize how much I'm going to miss smoking. It's an odd thought to have about something that will kill you, but it's the way most smokers feel.

Day 1:

Saturday morning. Ugh. Why didn't I quit when I had something to do? Almost head out back to the deck for a smoke after waking up without thinking about it but then remember that I can't do that. Luckily it's long run day so I can spend my first 90 minutes as a non-smoker focused on that. Oddly enough, I already feel a benefit from just skipping the first smoke of the day, I feel great over my run and match my personal best non-race 10K time without even thinking about it.

Cravings hit hard over the course of the day. Luckily, my wife made plans that will keep her out of the house (and my hair) for most of the day. Chewing gum helps, as does snacking and drinking water. Oddly enough, the most helpful thing in dealing with the cravings has been anger. It sounds cheesy but every time I want a cigarette I channel anger at the cigarette companies.

My mantra has become "F*** you, Philip Morris, for selling a product that can make me feel this miserable. You will not beat me." I say this out loud during my cravings and it's surprisingly effective.

Since I want to be careful with the snacking, but do recognize that eating helps to take the edge off of cravings, I leverage what I learned about meal scheduling from losing weight and structure my meal & snack times for the day. I've done this before...I'm not fighting nicotine, I'm fighting a snack craving. If I can hold out until X'o clock, then I can eat something. Carving the day up into blocks between meals/snacks gives me a short-term goal to shoot for and makes dealing with the cravings less infinite.

That said, time still passes terribly slow for the day. I go to bed at 8:30 in the hopes that I can fall asleep quickly and not have to think about cigarettes anymore.

Day 2:

Saturday night was horrible. I fell asleep pretty quickly but tossed and turned quite a bit. Sunday is a rest day so no run...we decide to go out to brunch where I load up on fancy bloody marys. While I am hit hard by a few cravings during the meal and get close to breaking, my family does a ton to talk me out of it. Oddly enough, I realize that drinking is actually quelling my nicotine cravings. I proceed to stay drunk all day. One great thing about having a pregnant wife (other than the obvious) is always having a designated driver.

The day passes pretty quickly (grocery shopping while drunk is a blast) and I surprisingly make it though without too many problems. I will admit to grabbing a cigarette from my open pack and 'smoking' it unlit once or twice during the day. It worked to get through the cravings though my wife initially thought I was really smoking them. She's definitely a keeper...she was fine with me being drunk all day if it helped me to stay off the cigarettes (and also because it helped to take the edge off my irritability!)

Since I probably drank a million calories in alcohol over the course of the day, I'm pretty happy that I gave myself some leeway with my weight to allow for it.

Day 3:

One more day and all of the nicotine will technically be out of my body. This means that my withdrawal symptoms and cravings will technically be peaking on day 3 and yay, it's a Monday.

5 mile run first thing in the morning and I feel really good. My Garmin shows my VO2max at a new personal high after having been stuck in the same general range for a month or two. Quitting smoking is already paying dividends!

I'm amazed at how much time I pick up in my morning routine by not having a couple of smokes. I'm out the door and in the office 15-20 minutes earlier than normal.

It turns out to be surprisingly easy not to smoke during the day...since my worked implemented a 'smoke free' campus policy, I'm already used to not smoking during the day (I usually run out for one at lunchtime), and couple this with the fact that I don't smoke in my car or my house, not smoking during the workday really isn't that bad. It's a little tough not to smoke after returning home in the evening but I left myself enough daily calories to have a really big dinner and that keeps me satisfied until bedtime.

Irritability is running high. I snapped at my wife and the dogs a couple of times and felt really bad afterwards. I must remember to take a few deep breaths in the future.

Days 4, 5, and 6 (today):

I'm officially nicotine free! I have a three-day meeting to attend in the city and I realized that this is the first time in a long time that I'm not panicked about trying to squeeze in one more cigarette before getting on the train, nor am I panicked about figuring out how/where/when to smoke during the meeting itself or about how difficult it will be to get outside for a smoke from my hotel room. I never before realized how hard it is to actually be a smoker since pretty much all public places have gone smoke free.

Oddly enough...the meeting location was a 15 minute walk from the train station and a 30 minute walk from my hotel. Between walking to the meeting location/hotel, and walking a few blocks in the evening to get some dinner, I literally passed only 2 smokers. Public health efforts to stem smoking really seem to have worked.

I caught a ride from the meeting to the hotel in the evening of day 4 and it turns out my co-worker was a smoker. He fired one up before we got into the car and being around a smoker didn't seem to impact my resolve at all.

What I think was helpful was the fact that as my co-worker was smoking, he talked about how much he actually hates smoking. I felt exactly the same way as a smoker and it made me proud/happy to know that I did something about it. I never realized how self-loathing I was as a smoker.

A little surprisingly, my cravings are still pretty consistent and strong. I'm dealing with them but I honestly thought they would have quieted down a little by now. Basically, I feel like I want a cigarette all of the time. I must stay focused as I can see how a relapse would be so easy.

On the plus side, I actually had a solid hour or so yesterday when I didn't think about cigarettes at all and I have found myself forgetting about my desire for a cigarette a little more frequently each day.

If I get through tomorrow, I'll be one week smoke free.

Although technically I know that there's zero nicotine left in my system, I still feel just as addicted to cigarettes today as I did before I started my quit effort. It's getting easier to deal with but I can still feel that smoke hitting my lungs and the buzz of nicotine hitting my bloodstream.

They say that cravings tend to last for two weeks or so but that I should see cravings really start to subside after the first week. I really hope it's true since I'm not sure if I can hold out against this feeling of constant need forever. Cigarettes truly are the devil.

Updates will come when merited...wish me luck!