Body dysmorphia

not dysmorphic. however, i had a conversation years ago with a woman who was, and she was very forthcoming and generous about trying to explain it to me.

waht she told me was that it wasn't just 'emotional' for her. she had times when she literally couldn't see what her body or parts of it looked like in an objective fashion. she said that when she was significantly underweight she would have some days where she could perceive it, and then others where she'd look at an arm or a leg and perceive it as huge. i'm not going to go down the dismissive route of 'gee, sounds almost like some kind of neurological glitch', i.e. a disorder where the person's brain is unreliable about interpreting the information that the eyes send. but certainly what she described to me did sound like it even if it's probably simplistic to assume that the cause is just that.

anyway, i found it really interesting and i'm still appreciative of her for taking the time. up until then i had always thought that the statements i'd heard from dysmorphic people were primarily emotional expressions. they'd say 'i'm [x]' and i'd automatically assume that what they were "really" saying was 'i FEEL [x]'. so i'd dismiss them, because don'tcha know, i know better than them and so on. but come to find out - according to this woman at least - that was wrong. it was 'no. i literally, physically SEE x if i look at myself.'

i don't know if this woman was typical or very unusual, but i do know she schooled me out of certain forms of smugness and into a more shut-up-and-listen type mode about it.

I've started to conquer my BDD thanks to a therapist I had a while back.

For me, there were a few days where I could go and say I looked fine, and then there are other days I would be so fixated on certain parts of my body that it's all I would think about. My nose and my belly are usually the ones that I fixate on.
I often think my nose is too big or too pointy and I keep saying that I would get surgery if I could to change it. I have two different shaped nostrils and some days I feel like everyone can see it. People have said that there's nothing wrong with my nose. And I try to believe them, but I always think there is or I would create a problem with my nose.

But I keep telling myself that it's my nose and no one else's, and there's nothing wrong with it.

My belly is just a place I've always disliked. Sometimes, at my smallest weight, I still thought it was huge. All my weight goes to my belly and hips, I also have wide set hips which makes it worse. There are still days where I think everyone can see my stomach, they're all looking at it and making fun of it. I even think of it at the gym sometimes! I've had days where I would completely shut down because of my weight. I wouldn't leave my bed or let anyone see me.

A main thing I've started doing and really enjoying is leaving the house without makeup. Some people say it's easy but I used to never leave the house without makeup on. Even if I was just going to the shop I had to have makeup on. I hated how I looked without it. Now I've started to careless and leave without it, especially when it comes to the gym. Eyeliner and sweat is not a good mix.

@middlehaitch, one website that has personal stories and accounts of struggles is bddfoundation.org.
For what it’s worth, I remember having symptoms as young as six. I recall my aunt crimping my hair one day and seemingly out of nowhere I peered down at the fold at the top of my arm. I was a super skinny kid, but that fold just at the armpit bothered me. That’s my first recollection of when I started pinching my skin almost as if to measure it. I just remember freaking out and not wanting it there. My aunt laughed and said “even Christie brinkley” has skin fold like that! Over the years it became one of many rituals—both conscious and subconscious. I still catch myself pinching my flesh for no reason when I get very stressed or anxious.
I don’t need to dwell, but I appreciate you opening the discussion OP.