Discussing weight and teens
RawCarrots
Posts: 204 Member
I have a delicate question which I'm not sure how to approach. My 12yo daughter is starting to get a bit overweight.
Thankfully she has a good body image and seems a bit oblivious (she has mentioned weight briefly once or twice over the years but I always brush it off that we need to focus on eating healthy and exercise to be strong). However last year I'm noticing she is gaining a bit more than the puppy fat.
She is un puberty, her body is growing. So I'm not really sure should I just leave it and hope it goes away, or should I discuss it with her. I'm terrified of giving her issues to worry about, teenage life is hard as it is.
Im always cautious when I talk about my own journey to avoid "fat" and labelling foods as bad, and focus on fit and everything in moderation.
She seems to be constantly eating, will often get a second dinner. I honestly don't know should I just accept it's her body growing or should I somehow discuss it with her.
Thank you for reading.
Thankfully she has a good body image and seems a bit oblivious (she has mentioned weight briefly once or twice over the years but I always brush it off that we need to focus on eating healthy and exercise to be strong). However last year I'm noticing she is gaining a bit more than the puppy fat.
She is un puberty, her body is growing. So I'm not really sure should I just leave it and hope it goes away, or should I discuss it with her. I'm terrified of giving her issues to worry about, teenage life is hard as it is.
Im always cautious when I talk about my own journey to avoid "fat" and labelling foods as bad, and focus on fit and everything in moderation.
She seems to be constantly eating, will often get a second dinner. I honestly don't know should I just accept it's her body growing or should I somehow discuss it with her.
Thank you for reading.
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Replies
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Perhaps speak with her doctor about these concerns. Some teens gain a bit extra prior to a growth spurt and for them this would be a normal process and will just resolve with time. On the other hand, this could be a sign that something more is going on and she is comfort eating. I'm sure plenty of people will chime in with additional thoughts. I agree that there is a danger of causing lifelong self-esteem and food issues. At this age she is fairly sensitive to these things.
I know this hasn't been particularly helpful, but I would see about speaking with her doc while she's not in the room.8 -
As you said, she's growing.
I would leave it alone for now unless she comes to you with specific questions.
You might experiment with the snacks that you have readily available and with how you make dinner to see if you can make it handy to eat foods that are more filling but have fewer calories.6 -
My daughter got "fluffy" during puberty. She leveled out as she got older. She too has a healthy self image. I'd just get her more active rather than form an unhealthy image of food. If she is eating healthy already, she should start to level out as she goes through growth spurts. Teach her through example, not through words. Give her building blocks to take control of her health.13
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I was thinking of checking with the GP but we don't go often, and brining her for this will definitely cause an issue.
I haven't even asked her to step on the scale as I don't want to draw attention to it. Some girls in her class are chubby, some are skinny, she is definitely quite tall and well in the swing of puberty.
I don’t think it's emotional eathing but more like habit. I've been trying gently to talk about calories and energy mainly about myself.
Don't want to draw too much attention, have suggested fruit instead of buiscits, and she suggested hersef today maybe she should do more sport1 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »Perhaps speak with her doctor about these concerns. Some teens gain a bit extra prior to a growth spurt and for them this would be a normal process and will just resolve with time. On the other hand, this could be a sign that something more is going on and she is comfort eating. I'm sure plenty of people will chime in with additional thoughts. I agree that there is a danger of causing lifelong self-esteem and food issues. At this age she is fairly sensitive to these things.
I know this hasn't been particularly helpful, but I would see about speaking with her doc while she's not in the room.
I agree with Nutmegoreo, speaking to her doctor would be the best line of action.
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Thank you all for the replies, they help a lot!1
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Our pediatrician showed me a chart of my 12yr olds bmi last time we were in for a checkup - it jumped way up, but she said this was normal for girls during puberty and that it should level out over time. Maybe you could talk to her dr over the phone & not have to take her in? Hope it goes well for both of you, teenage girls and weight are indeed a delicate issue.4
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Don't want to draw too much attention, have suggested fruit instead of buiscits, and she suggested hersef today maybe she should do more sport
Put the weight issue on the back burner for now, and encourage her to do sports. What sport(s) is she interested in? Maybe something you two can do together, or help her practice. Like others said, she may be going through a growth spurt, so that and being active could sort things out.3 -
Maybe focus on the health aspect. Try to get the nine servings of fruit and veggies. Not having junk food in the house helps immensely, especially no soda.2
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I must be the odd one out here. I have big doubts that a doctor will be of much help, especially if you're in the U.S. However, it doesn't sound like you are, so maybe your doctor will be much better and actually knowledgeable about nutrition, too. Even if the doctor were to say "she's far too heavy for her age and must go on a special diet stat", it seems that would put you right back to Square One, wondering how to approach the subject.
As someone who struggled with weight my entire life and actually was obese as a teen, I feel that my parents' support of me in all areas and not making my weight a huge issue, was a major component of having a healthy self-esteem and good self-image. I do think I was in denial for a long time about how overweight (actually obese) I was, and my mom would make similar excuses to the ones in my own head "You're taller than average", "Your father is a big man", "You're very well proportioned". But honestly? I think that stuff was still better for my emotional wellness than if weight and diet had been a big topic with my family and if I'd always felt pressured to change.
Just my .02, and I know in talking with others who had various levels of weight problems as children or teens, you will find many people who agree with me and many others who totally disagree and wish they'd been "forced" to change their habits very young.
I do think healthier cooking and meals at home could be a huge help though, and it's good for everyone no matter their weight, to eat healthy food. My husband has taught me a lot about foods I never ate until I met him (in my 30s) and I have realized there were so many more vegetables and ways to prepare them that I never even considered. This may sound silly to some, but checking out various Pinterest or cookbooks could be helpful in coming up with new meals for your whole family that could get your teen eating even a little bit better. Even if she's eating okay at this time, and continued to eat "junk" snacks on and off, what the main meals in your household are, could have a good impact.
I also think that when she wants to change her habits, whether now or at 20 or beyond, she will do it and you can be supportive at that time. If she decided in the near future, for example, to eat a different type of diet or wanted specific foods (i.e., protein bars, expensive fruit) if you're able to help with that, do. I have seen posts on these forums from quite a few older teens & young college students in their 20s about how they don't have access to the foods they would like to use to get to a healthier weight and body. I'm not saying spoil her to death but understand that can be important way to encourage her, if possible for your situation & budget. Recently my friend's stepson (age 14) started putting on a lot of midsection weight during a growth spurt and he started taking nightly walks and said he wanted to eat better. He asked for flavored water (zero calorie) and she told him it was water or sweet tea only. He wanted to order grilled chicken at Chick-Fil-A and she said NO. Honestly, I was appalled.
Your daughter is lucky to have a parent who cares. Good luck!
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I would get her in for a regular checkup so you know where she is at now and what reasonable growth should be expected in the next few years. I think 12 is a natural time to do this as there are lots of changes. The doctor can help discuss development/puberty concerns and what is normal or concerning regarding periods, weight gain, sports, etc.
If your child is active and eats mostly nutritious food there probably isn't need for concern yet. Be a good example and emphasize the positive.
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RawCarrots wrote: »I was thinking of checking with the GP but we don't go often, and brining her for this will definitely cause an issue.
I haven't even asked her to step on the scale as I don't want to draw attention to it. Some girls in her class are chubby, some are skinny, she is definitely quite tall and well in the swing of puberty.
I don’t think it's emotional eathing but more like habit. I've been trying gently to talk about calories and energy mainly about myself.
Don't want to draw too much attention, have suggested fruit instead of buiscits, and she suggested hersef today maybe she should do more sport
I wouldn't make a special appointment, just chat with the doc while she's not in the room next time you're there. I presume they will do a weight as part of a general check up.2 -
100% focus more on getting active together vs focusing on food. And if you do focus on food do it behind the scenes cooking healthier options for her to grab from. Maybe take some time to go for a walk together and then come home and cook? teach her to cook good foods. Good practice for life, And times when you wont be there to cook for her. Save her alot of grief in her life and get a great bonding night. I dont speak with my parents but something like 1 night a week of a long walk to talk and a night of cooking together would have been a great memory to have. Make a new tradition. Shes a good age for it, Before to much of the teenager mood kicks in.
Nothing wrong with discussing health with children. Im a strong believer in transparency with kids. They will one day be the worlds adults. They need to know this stuff and keeping it from them does them a disservice later on. Obviously focus the conversation more on adding in healthy things her body needs and how to get them in and keep healthy, Vs anything she could take to mean dont eat bad food ever. It is delicate but honestly kids are delicate these days because people treat them like children for way to long.
Nothing wrong with children being informed and educated. A well rounded informed child= a happy healthy well rounded smart adult.
That said i have no children and im not in any way an authority, But I just had a life that lead to me learning alot on my own at an early age- Iv literally been living on my own since i was 14. Young or not children are alot more capable thn people give them credit for. Babying them to long just isnt helpful. Especially with important topics they need to know about.2 -
I would just encourage healthier snacks and outdoor activities. My son is 7 and a bit heavy. The dr told me to keep an eye on it so I'm going to try to get him into karate and get him a new scooter because he likes that.
If she feels good about herself then I wouldn't bring up the weight issue. You can make it more about being healthy. Find activities to do together, like a mother and daughter thing. Maybe Zumba or bike riding. Skating. Fun things that encourage exercise without it feeling like exercise.
I was about 11-12 when my weight really started bothering me. I started eating maybe 500-600 calories a day for months which led to a screwed up metabolism. And one of the contributing factors was my family always pointing out my chubbiness. So think fitness not weight.3 -
jennydelgado09 wrote: »I would just encourage healthier snacks and outdoor activities. My son is 7 and a bit heavy. The dr told me to keep an eye on it so I'm going to try to get him into karate and get him a new scooter because he likes that.
If she feels good about herself then I wouldn't bring up the weight issue. You can make it more about being healthy. Find activities to do together, like a mother and daughter thing. Maybe Zumba or bike riding. Skating. Fun things that encourage exercise without it feeling like exercise.
I was about 11-12 when my weight really started bothering me. I started eating maybe 500-600 calories a day for months which led to a screwed up metabolism. And one of the contributing factors was my family always pointing out my chubbiness. So think fitness not weight.
Something else on this, And ill likely rant trying to get my point across but im trying lol.
Stuff like this. This is why i think its SO important to nourish a relationship with your child of openness and honesty. Sharing your struggles with them allows them to then in return share theirs with you. As i said above, A long walk and a dinner cooking night- Could use the time together to really nurture that. Hiding everything from children leads to them learning to hide everything from you. Obviously i wouldnt go around telling them everything and anything, But when you hide stuff they know it. Especially for a soon to be teenage girl. You want her to be comfortable sharing her problems with you, But yet shes still to much of a child to discuss proper diet with in your mind.
Theres so much going on in the lives of children hitting puberty. If their not taught to be transparent through your transparency and understanding and deep conversations showing them its okay to open up and discuss the harder topics, Imagine the things she could be learning to hide from you. And having to live alone with.
In my mind i do feel this is important to the convo, Im sorry i dont mean to overstep if i am i am just bad at words apparently.
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My daughter is now 15. When she was 11-13, she put on some extra weight. She was not obese but a little bit chunky. Being obese myself, I was leary of speaking to her at all as I didn't want to make her more self conscious then she already was. I talk about how I was thin and athletic as a teen but became obese later in life. I also talk about the fact weight is a lot harder to get off when you are older so she may not want to allow her weight and health get away from her. I model healthy eating and exercise, and my weight loss journey.
The LAST thing you should do, IMHO, is restrict her eating. I was restricted as a child and, as soon as I was out of the house, I ate everything I had been denied as a child. That's how I became fat and had a binge eating disorder.
My daughter is now a healthy weight3 -
When I was her age I was the same way. When I look back now I wonder where on earth I stored all that food!
Actually I went through it a few times. When I was 10 I was a little chubby, but lost it all when I was 11-12. Then at 13 I was chubby again, lost it all at 14. 15, chubby again then lost it by 16 and stayed fairly thin. I wonder if the body hangs onto fat knowing that it will go through a growth spurt?
Anyway,I think that your approach all along is the best thing for your daughter. My step-mom was awful. She blatantly pointed out how "fat" i was. She took me shopping for a swimsuit that would cover me up more. So, at that tender age, I was at the pool wearing a swim-dress and a t-shirt over that. My own mom was on the opposite end. She never brought it up, and we didn't eat very well...
Just keep encouraging healthy eating and exercise. A little extra weight is easier managed than the psychological damage of thinking you're "fat" as a teen.1 -
Many kids get "rounder" in the beginning and middle of puberty. It is natural and part of the big growth spurts that kids are going hrough.
Girls also are going to have their shapes change - they're going to fill out and their hips are going to widen and that, again, is natural.
IT's a time to be very, very, cautious about how you approach weight discussions, because there is an increasing body of evidence that doing it wrong does lifetime damage.Note that this article is just discussing findings at a high level, but its got links to several projects that looked at ways parents talk to kids about weight and diet.
https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/06/16/parents-should-avoid-comments-on-a-childs-weight/
I know that some people will read an article like that and say "Well, my mom always told me I was a fatty and I needed to diet, and I came out fine!" But anecdotes aren't the same as looking across hundreds or thousands of people,3 -
aggiepringle6665 wrote: »The LAST thing you should do, IMHO, is restrict her eating. I was restricted as a child and, as soon as I was out of the house, I ate everything I had been denied as a child. That's how I became fat and had a binge eating disorder.
That was the case for several of my good friends growing up.
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It's a balance. Obviously we don't want to "give" our children eating disorders but we don't want them to be unhealthy either. I think it's okay to question her hunger level when she requests seconds for dinner. Emphasize that stuff yourself isn't healthy and we should only eat when truly hungry and not when we are bored, or just because it's good. If it's that good, have some more tomorrow. You can make her wait 20min to see if she's still hungry and then offer a healthy snack, etc. Don't make it about appearance, make it about health.
Also make sure she's active, bike riding, family walks, roller skates, basket ball at the park.0 -
Agree with above posters; look out for her mental health. Make sure you're encouraging healthy social/emotional habits. It's not always a sign of distress, but sometimes it is. As far as physical health: lead by example, cook plenty of tasty veggies, and maybe help her get into physical activity; but personally I don't think I would bring up how she's eating/how she looks.1
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Speak with her school teachers and counselors and see if they've heard anything about your daughter being bullied about her weight.
I don't know what to do about that, but knowing is a good start.2 -
In my opinion you shouldn't tell her that you think she is gaining weight but maybe instead let her even out but also use it as an opportunity to spend time with her. Ask her to go on walks/runs with you, sign up for a marathon, go to the gym together, have friendly competition or something.0
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JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Speak with her school teachers and counselors and see if they've heard anything about your daughter being bullied about her weight.
I don't know what to do about that, but knowing is a good start.
So the teacher will say "yes we heard about that but we didn't contact you?"??0 -
I was very puffy going through puberty. And it never changed. I was fat until I was 29 and did something about it.
I am very glad my mother never said anything about MY WEIGHT.
But I do think I would have benefited from a "no seconds" rule or suggestion at dinner. Or perhaps if my parents knew a little more about appropriate serving sizes when dishing out ice cream at night and the like.0 -
My son also gained weight just prior to puberty. I didn't discuss weight with him, but we continued the usual family outings like walks, hiking, going to the pool, etc.
Nutrition had also been an ongoing discussion in our home. Multiple veggies were served at dinner along with the expectation to eat some. We didn't keep sugary beverages available and a fruit bowl was always filled.
Soon after my son became quite the athlete in high school and years later is still in excellent shape.
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12 years old is when puberty really kicks in for girls and they go through that awkward and chunky stage. If you go to her school you will see a lot of girls look like that. Most grow out of it. Just make sure she is active.
I don’t know how overweight she is so this is my experience. I was a chunky child and overweight/obese teen and adult. I could hear my mom talking to my aunt about how fat I was when I was a kid. I was a little chunky, but really really active. It didn’t help my self esteem to hear the whispers, it just made me hide eating and gain more weight. Also even though I struggled with weight my mom still bought junk food (chips and Little Debbie snack cakes) and cooked fattening foods because dad wouldn’t eat veggies. We also had to wait until dad came home from work around 9 pm to eat dinner. So we sncked on junk until dinner and then ate a big dinner. She never really tried to help me eat healthy or tell me two or three or four packs of snack cakes were too many. She just bought more boxes and expected us to have self control.
I think as parents we buy the food they eat. If you want them to be healthy, we can’t buy junk and we have to cook healthy meals. I think it’s totally acceptable to tell them no second dinners, that’s not good for you. Also, you can tell them to not eat tons of fries and cookies or full sugar sodas or fast food. They are kids and unless we tell them it’s not good for you, most will eat it. When they are able to drive and get their own fast food and soda at the corner store is when they will will be accountable for their choices. Right now you can help by providing healthy choices and not buying the junk food and making sure she stays active.0 -
ITUSGirl51 wrote: »I think as parents we buy the food they eat. If you want them to be healthy, we can’t buy junk and we have to cook healthy meals. I think it’s totally acceptable to tell them no second dinners, that’s not good for you. Also, you can tell them to not eat tons of fries and cookies or full sugar sodas or fast food. They are kids and unless we tell them it’s not good for you, most will eat it. When they are able to drive and get their own fast food and soda at the corner store is when they will will be accountable for their choices. Right now you can help by providing healthy choices and not buying the junk food and making sure she stays active.
Just wanted to say, be very VERY cautious about this. If you demonise food or heavily restrict certain types, what happens as soon as the kid is old enough and has enough income of their own? Yup, they go buy and eat all of that food that they've been told is terrible.
Moderation should be taught. It's okay to have a treat. It's okay to have some chippies one day. It's okay to have a chocolate because you did well on that test.
(And yes, I was that kid that, as soon as I was at university and had an income of my own and was out from under my parents' nose all the time, I bought from the university food outlets regularly. They had a wicked chips'n'gravy. Delicious in moderation. Not so great when you're eating it all the time and reducing your physical exercise.)0 -
ITUSGirl51 wrote: »I think as parents we buy the food they eat. If you want them to be healthy, we can’t buy junk and we have to cook healthy meals. I think it’s totally acceptable to tell them no second dinners, that’s not good for you. Also, you can tell them to not eat tons of fries and cookies or full sugar sodas or fast food. They are kids and unless we tell them it’s not good for you, most will eat it. When they are able to drive and get their own fast food and soda at the corner store is when they will will be accountable for their choices. Right now you can help by providing healthy choices and not buying the junk food and making sure she stays active.
Just wanted to say, be very VERY cautious about this. If you demonise food or heavily restrict certain types, what happens as soon as the kid is old enough and has enough income of their own? Yup, they go buy and eat all of that food that they've been told is terrible.
Moderation should be taught. It's okay to have a treat. It's okay to have some chippies one day. It's okay to have a chocolate because you did well on that test.
(And yes, I was that kid that, as soon as I was at university and had an income of my own and was out from under my parents' nose all the time, I bought from the university food outlets regularly. They had a wicked chips'n'gravy. Delicious in moderation. Not so great when you're eating it all the time and reducing your physical exercise.)
That’s freshman 15. My daughter is a junior in college and she and her friends all gained 15 or more pounds when they went off to school. They had to make their own food choices without parents making sure they weren’t filling up with junk. Last semester she got sick of eating all the junk and is again making better choices that we taught her about while she was under our care. She has lost weight by making better choices.
I’m not saying to demonize food, but it’s our jobs to make sure our children understand nutrition and teach them to make better choices. We aren’t always perfect, but she knows what a healthy choice is vs not so healthy. She knows if she wants ice cream, it’s ok but don’t get 2 giant scoops. One is probably enough. She is an adult and has to decide without us.
Btw, she went to the dentist after going to college for a year and they told her she did a good job of taking care of her teeth. They said most kids come home with lots of plaque and bleeding gums and cavities because they stopped brushing their teeth when they went away to college. Mom wasn’t there to tell them to brush. So they just stopped.0 -
In order to cut down on our grocery bill, I only dish up one serving at dinner for everyone. The rest immediately goes in the fridge either for the next night, or lunches tomorrow. There are always plenty of vegetables and fruit in the house if people really need something else, but the main (calorie dense) part is limited. Might be an option, plus it ends up being a rule the whole family follows, not just one person.0
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