Fear of Success Keeping Me From Losing More Weight?
EatingAndKnitting
Posts: 531 Member
Last January I started out at 307 pounds. I worked hard and finished the year at 254 pounds or so. I took a diet break in October or November, intending it to be a eat at maintenance for two weeks and get back on the deficit train break, well... I'm still not back on the deficit train, despite telling myself that after the holidays I was For Sure going to get back to it.
I posted about this on my timeline here today, and a friend asked if I had any idea what was keeping me from committing.
I think I'm scared to lose any more weight and lose myself. I've always been fat. I was large as a kid, not fat, just tall and big. That turned into tall and fat as a teenager, and since puberty I've been in women's plus sizes. I'm a 24 right now, and the smallest I've been in my adult life was back in college at a 20.
I have bipolar disorder and ADHD, and I'm in care of medical doctors for both of those disorders, but not in therapy (yet, I've got a call in for therapy, waiting for a call back to make an appointment) right now. I've worked really hard to accept myself the way I am now, and I think I'm afraid that if I lose any/much more weight I'll have to start over and accept myself again. I know my brain weasels lie to me, and tell me that I'm worthless and a loser, and I can't be sure if this is another way that they are lying to me, by telling me that if I lose weight and I'm still worthless and a loser (I don't work outside the home, for various reasons, number one being that I'm universally a terrible employee).
Has anyone else struggled with a fear of success? AND overcome it to lose weight and not "lost themselves" in the process? I know I need the help of a good therapist here, and I'm working on that, but a lot of therapists aren't experts in weight loss and the struggles that come with being fat for decades. Y'all are.
Please help.
I posted about this on my timeline here today, and a friend asked if I had any idea what was keeping me from committing.
I think I'm scared to lose any more weight and lose myself. I've always been fat. I was large as a kid, not fat, just tall and big. That turned into tall and fat as a teenager, and since puberty I've been in women's plus sizes. I'm a 24 right now, and the smallest I've been in my adult life was back in college at a 20.
I have bipolar disorder and ADHD, and I'm in care of medical doctors for both of those disorders, but not in therapy (yet, I've got a call in for therapy, waiting for a call back to make an appointment) right now. I've worked really hard to accept myself the way I am now, and I think I'm afraid that if I lose any/much more weight I'll have to start over and accept myself again. I know my brain weasels lie to me, and tell me that I'm worthless and a loser, and I can't be sure if this is another way that they are lying to me, by telling me that if I lose weight and I'm still worthless and a loser (I don't work outside the home, for various reasons, number one being that I'm universally a terrible employee).
Has anyone else struggled with a fear of success? AND overcome it to lose weight and not "lost themselves" in the process? I know I need the help of a good therapist here, and I'm working on that, but a lot of therapists aren't experts in weight loss and the struggles that come with being fat for decades. Y'all are.
Please help.
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Replies
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Yes. When I was in college, I struggled with losing weight because I associated being a certain type of outspoken, alternative feminist with being larger. I'd developed some of my core ideas about body image from within the lens of having a larger body, and I was worried that losing weight would change how I thought.
I remember pretty clearly having this moment where I realized that, if I didn't like being smaller, I could always gain the weight back. Weight is infinitely changeable; it's not a constant state of being. I decided that I would commit fully to a course of action for the time being, but that I would also pay attention to how I felt and thought along the way.
People talk about weight loss as being a "lifestyle change," which is helpful to some, but maybe not to others. You don't have to look at it as some monumental decision if that's daunting for you. You CAN choose to think of it as just doing something different for today, and then if it works out, doing that same thing again tomorrow.23 -
Here is a wonderful inspirstional story. https://consciouscourtney.com/my-weight-loss-journey/0
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I remember pretty clearly having this moment where I realized that, if I didn't like being smaller, I could always gain the weight back. Weight is infinitely changeable; it's not a constant state of being. I decided that I would commit fully to a course of action for the time being, but that I would also pay attention to how I felt and thought along the way.
Holy *kitten*. You mean losing weight is kind of like getting a haircut? If I don't like it, I can just let it grow back? No big deal? It doesn't mean I failed, I just made a different decision?
That makes more sense than anything I have ever heard about weight loss in my LIFE.
How did it work out for you, if you don't mind me asking? I assume that's you in your picture, so you must have found that getting slimmer was to your liking after all. Did that line of thinking make the bad days easier?
I must say I do like being 50 pounds lighter than I was last year. I was miserable at 307, none of my clothes fit, chairs didn't fit right, I lived in fear of things breaking when I sat on them. I hated buying food, because I felt like everyone was judging me, especially if it was "junk" food (which I bought a lot of).11 -
I found that with weight loss I didn't lose myself, I became more disciplined and stronger. I found that I liked being in charge of how I look and how I feel. I found it easier to be active. For whatever reason, people listen to thinner people more than overweight folks. I was no longer as invisible. Perhaps that is what is frightening you? Being fat can be an emotional cushion protecting you from the demands of the world. But I decided people were going to judge me for being overweight, and judge me for controlling what I ate, and judge me for what's in my shopping cart. And I discovered that I don't a rat's *kitten* anymore about others. I'm me. I'm good enough.7
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I remember pretty clearly having this moment where I realized that, if I didn't like being smaller, I could always gain the weight back. Weight is infinitely changeable; it's not a constant state of being. I decided that I would commit fully to a course of action for the time being, but that I would also pay attention to how I felt and thought along the way.
Holy *kitten*. You mean losing weight is kind of like getting a haircut? If I don't like it, I can just let it grow back? No big deal? It doesn't mean I failed, I just made a different decision?
That makes more sense than anything I have ever heard about weight loss in my LIFE.
How did it work out for you, if you don't mind me asking? I assume that's you in your picture, so you must have found that getting slimmer was to your liking after all. Did that line of thinking make the bad days easier?
I must say I do like being 50 pounds lighter than I was last year. I was miserable at 307, none of my clothes fit, chairs didn't fit right, I lived in fear of things breaking when I sat on them. I hated buying food, because I felt like everyone was judging me, especially if it was "junk" food (which I bought a lot of).
Lol, it seems so obvious that you can make a different decision later if you don't like it when you finally figure it out, right? But everyone talks about it like you're making PERMANENT CHANGES and that totally freaked me out. (I have a hard time with change anyway, so the thought that I was being asked to make a life-long decision was too much for me).
Yep, that's me in my profile pic. I ended up liking myself and my fundamental personality just as well when I was smaller as when I was larger. I've been a bunch of different sizes along the way, too. I hit my first goal and decided to lose more. Then I felt like I was too light and have been trying to put on muscle. I've had years when I was really focused on my weight and my physical self, and other years where I was focused on other things -- none of those were failures.
The best advice I've gotten about how to make decisions when you're really stuck is to pretend you've chosen a direction and live with it for a little while. Try out the decision to lose weight for awhile; if it really doesn't work for you, stop and try something else, but do it consciously and with awareness.
One more thing: remind your brain weasels that you're not psychic or a mind-reader. You don't know what's going to happen next and you don't know what other people really think. The only thing you can control are the inputs, not the outcomes.10 -
DebLaBounty wrote: »I was no longer as invisible. Perhaps that is what is frightening you? Being fat can be an emotional cushion protecting you from the demands of the world.
That terrifies me. I was, like every other woman I know, sexually abused. I know I gained weight to become invisable to men. I know that even fat I'm fairly attractive (I know that sounds conceited, but it's not meant to), I'm terrified that if I lose weight, and if I'm even as pretty then as I am now *AND* slender I'm going to attract creeps at the grocery store. (Again, something to work on in therapy)Lol, it seems so obvious that you can make a different decision later if you don't like it when you finally figure it out, right? But everyone talks about it like you're making PERMANENT CHANGES and that totally freaked me out. (I have a hard time with change anyway, so the thought that I was being asked to make a life-long decision was too much for me).
Yep, that's me in my profile pic. I ended up liking myself and my fundamental personality just as well when I was smaller as when I was larger. I've been a bunch of different sizes along the way, too. I hit my first goal and decided to lose more. Then I felt like I was too light and have been trying to put on muscle. I've had years when I was really focused on my weight and my physical self, and other years where I was focused on other things -- none of those were failures.
The best advice I've gotten about how to make decisions when you're really stuck is to pretend you've chosen a direction and live with it for a little while. Try out the decision to lose weight for awhile; if it really doesn't work for you, stop and try something else, but do it consciously and with awareness.
One more thing: remind your brain weasels that you're not psychic or a mind-reader. You don't know what's going to happen next and you don't know what other people really think. The only thing you can control are the inputs, not the outcomes.
I think you gave me the best advice I could ask for right here. I am daunted by the idea that losing weight *and* keeping it off is a lifetime chore. I am daunted by the idea of counting calories and tracking food for the rest of my life.
Maybe I don't have to though. Maybe I can choose to count calories and exercise for the short term, see how that feels and then decide if I want to keep going. Maybe I can learn that it's not all or nothing, that shades of grey are ok, and it's not failing if I decide to change my mind.
I will remind my brain weasels that I don't know what will happen next. I will remind them that I don't know what'll happen if I lose all of my excess weight, but not knowing is no reason not to try to do it anyway. I can stop anytime. I can change direction, and I can decide what success and failure are. Not my brain weasels.
From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.8 -
The thing that got me to finally get a grip of my weight was actually partly due to being diagnosed with bipolar (type 2). I can't, for the most part, control what my wonky brain does but I sure as hell can control my physical health. So it gives me something within my control to focus on and it actually helps with the depression as well. In that it gives me punctuation to my days, having to log. Same as having cats does the same because I have to feed them and scoop the poop.
Perhaps with the great insight from Alice and a shift in focus you might be able to get going again.5 -
VintageFeline wrote: »The thing that got me to finally get a grip of my weight was actually partly due to being diagnosed with bipolar (type 2). I can't, for the most part, control what my wonky brain does but I sure as hell can control my physical health. So it gives me something within my control to focus on and it actually helps with the depression as well. In that it gives me punctuation to my days, having to log. Same as having cats does the same because I have to feed them and scoop the poop.
Perhaps with the great insight from Alice and a shift in focus you might be able to get going again.
Sympathy for the bipolar diagnosis. It sucks, huh? The worst is not being able to control what the brain weasels do, even with the proper medications. And therapy.
I used to think that way about my dieting, and I think that's why I was successful last year, it was something I could control. I think I forgot that though (I do have ADHD after all, we're good at forgetting things.
). I needed the reminder to get me back on track.
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deep down we are all the same. keep up your faith in yourself and no looking back! we are all in this together and to support each other, best we can.
stay strong 0 -
Just carry a concealed handgun and when you determine that a male is a creep, shoot to kill.
I'm serious. It's a tool to reduce a threat.8 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Just carry a concealed handgun and when you determine that a male is a creep, shoot to kill.
I'm serious. It's a tool to reduce a threat.
I want to get some pepper spray for that eventuality. I am passively suicidal all the time, even with medication, and have been actively suicidal in the past requiring a hospitalization. I am the *last* person on earth that needs to carry a handgun, I am a danger to myself more than others.
I know pepper spray doesn't do much, but it's safer for me than a gun. I appreciate the suggestion though.2 -
My brain hamsters are objecting to everyone's brain weasels!
Sorry, just had to bring that up.
At 24 the excess weight may be a balance between physical health and the mental patch of having camouflage.
But as you add years the physical toll increases
It is good that you are looking to get some extra help to address what is affecting your life without waiting for a full lifetime before doing so!
Whether weasels or hamsters, you've got a smart menagerie in there!3 -
I have a similar struggle. I have been taking Jiu Jitsu--a women's class. Also, doing a bunch of therapy for my sexual assault was greatly valuable. I'm embarking on this weightloss journey again, after doing all of that emotional and physical work. I have PTSD. Carrying a handgun isn't the answer for me because I feel threatened by men smiling at me. Jiu Jitsu can help block people without fatally wounding them, if needed.2
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As for the attractive thing, it is a royal pain in the *kitten*. I don't get out much and a large part of it is unwanted attention. I also have a weird armour thing where I deliberately make myself look at......able as then I am prepared for it, almost inviting it. Seems to to help but that's a coping strategy I have had since forever.2
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Not at all saying you have to or should do this, but here's an idea to consider. It's really common for fat to feel like armor. Rightly or wrongly, a lot of women feel like their weight protects them from unwanted attention. Later on, if you feel like you miss that in certain situations, you can fake it. That's an option that will always be available to you, if you want it. A big sweatshirt or two and a pair of thick, baggy jeans can work wonders.DebLaBounty wrote: »I was no longer as invisible. Perhaps that is what is frightening you? Being fat can be an emotional cushion protecting you from the demands of the world.
That terrifies me. I was, like every other woman I know, sexually abused. I know I gained weight to become invisable to men. I know that even fat I'm fairly attractive (I know that sounds conceited, but it's not meant to), I'm terrified that if I lose weight, and if I'm even as pretty then as I am now *AND* slender I'm going to attract creeps at the grocery store. (Again, something to work on in therapy)
(It sounds like I'm being flip, but I'm 100% being serious. We all know that it isn't going to offer any meaningful protection, but if it FEELS like protection, it can be emotionally helpful. If fat can feel like emotional protection, so can fabric).
You will always have options and choices. Losing some weight just gives you additional avenues to explore.
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Not at all saying you have to or should do this, but here's an idea to consider. It's really common for fat to feel like armor. Rightly or wrongly, a lot of women feel like their weight protects them from unwanted attention. Later on, if you feel like you miss that in certain situations, you can fake it. That's an option that will always be available to you, if you want it. A big sweatshirt or two and a pair of thick, baggy jeans can work wonders.
More good advice! No wonder you're a mod here.0 -
I must say I do like being 50 pounds lighter than I was last year.
Wait, what? You've maintained a 50 lb loss for a few months? Yay you!
Weight loss is only the first step. Maintenance is the real deal.
Bravo on your loss, and on keeping it off!
If you can think of calorie-counting mode (or caloric awareness mode) as something everyone has to deal with for their whole lifetime, it becomes just a fact of life, not a huge obstacle. It is what it is.
You might as well keep trying because the time will pass anyway.
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Not at all saying you have to or should do this, but here's an idea to consider. It's really common for fat to feel like armor. Rightly or wrongly, a lot of women feel like their weight protects them from unwanted attention. Later on, if you feel like you miss that in certain situations, you can fake it. That's an option that will always be available to you, if you want it. A big sweatshirt or two and a pair of thick, baggy jeans can work wonders.
More good advice! No wonder you're a mod here.
I've gotten a TON of wonderful advice from amazing people over the years. I'm happy that I listened as well as I did; it's made a huge difference in my life
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JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Just carry a concealed handgun and when you determine that a male is a creep, shoot to kill.
I'm serious. It's a tool to reduce a threat.
I want to get some pepper spray for that eventuality. I am passively suicidal all the time, even with medication, and have been actively suicidal in the past requiring a hospitalization. I am the *last* person on earth that needs to carry a handgun, I am a danger to myself more than others.
I know pepper spray doesn't do much, but it's safer for me than a gun. I appreciate the suggestion though.
Why not get the pepper spray now? I've had some for decades (not the same one
I took a self defense course some years back and found it very empowering.
You might find lifting heavy weights empowering as well.0 -
Consider that getting to a healthy weight can help you "find yourself".1
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estherbyuan wrote: »I have a similar struggle. I have been taking Jiu Jitsu--a women's class. Also, doing a bunch of therapy for my sexual assault was greatly valuable. I'm embarking on this weightloss journey again, after doing all of that emotional and physical work. I have PTSD. Carrying a handgun isn't the answer for me because I feel threatened by men smiling at me. Jiu Jitsu can help block people without fatally wounding them, if needed.
I was going to suggest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Where I live there weren't enough women for a women's only class, so the class I took was mixed, and many times I was the only woman. I happened to have a great professor and most of the men in class were great, but I know that is not universal. If you are interested and can find a women's-only class, that might be a great avenue to explore.
I had zero experience with contact sports and it was very intimidating at first, especially with nearly all men, but it was ultimately one of the best experiences I have ever had (I had to quit because of long work hours; I just couldn't do it anymore, physically or mentally). I only tried it because my boyfriend encouraged me to as an avenue to learning self-defense. Never having done a contact sport, and jiu jitsu being extremely close contact, I learned a lot about my body and became much more conscious of my own movements and my own power and much more confident that I would have a good chance of getting away from someone if necessary.
On a different note, someone close to me is bipolar and I see the effects of it, so while I don't personally know your struggles, on some level I understand how difficult it can be. I also have not been the victim of sexual assault, but I do believe that unwanted male attention is part of the reason I started putting on weight when I was younger. In my line of work, I have been somewhat astounded by the sheer number of sexual assault victims. It saddens me to see how widespread this issue is, and how so many respond with gaining weight as a perceived protection. I don't know why I've added this, except to maybe add another voice to "you're not alone." Sometimes just being reminded of that can be helpful, though I know that doesn't address your OP.2 -
Re: Jujitsu
I have a knee that likes to dislocate. I had major surgery four years ago to stop that, but the problem was so severe that it somewhat limited my range of motion and left me semi-disabled. Believe me, if I were able-bodied I'd sign up for a form of martial arts/self defense, but the risk of serious injury is just too great. Just twisting my knee while getting up out of bed it tries to slip out of place. It's *very* frustrating. I'd love to take up running, but walking for exercise is too much for it most of the time. Oh well. You play the cards you're dealt, and I was born with this.
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kshama2001 wrote: »JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Just carry a concealed handgun and when you determine that a male is a creep, shoot to kill.
I'm serious. It's a tool to reduce a threat.
I want to get some pepper spray for that eventuality. I am passively suicidal all the time, even with medication, and have been actively suicidal in the past requiring a hospitalization. I am the *last* person on earth that needs to carry a handgun, I am a danger to myself more than others.
I know pepper spray doesn't do much, but it's safer for me than a gun. I appreciate the suggestion though.
Why not get the pepper spray now? I've had some for decades (not the same one
I took a self defense course some years back and found it very empowering.
You might find lifting heavy weights empowering as well.
Yeah, I need to get the spray now, I've just been putting it off and forgetting.
I need to look into a self defense class for the disabled as referenced in previous post. I'm sure they exist.
I've got a trainer friend who said he'd write me a heavy weight program taking into account my disability. He's forgotten though, and so had I! I need to remind him. Thanks for the reminder.
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Is it fear of success, or fear of change?
Sometimes depression can feel "safer" because it doesn't challenge us or scare us. (Even though it's horrible and makes us feel awful in so many other ways.)
That feeling is just depression making yet another excuse for itself.
Change can seem scary, but, I quote, "the only thing constant is change".
You can't stay the same person whether you weigh the same or not.0 -
My brain hamsters are objecting to everyone's brain weasels!
Sorry, just had to bring that up.
At 24 the excess weight may be a balance between physical health and the mental patch of having camouflage.
But as you add years the physical toll increases
It is good that you are looking to get some extra help to address what is affecting your life without waiting for a full lifetime before doing so!
Whether weasels or hamsters, you've got a smart menagerie in there!
I'm actually 39, I wear a size 24 womens. I am showing the effects of excess weight and age, I have diabetes and elevated cholesterol. Both are under control, but I'd like to get off my meds.
And I think my weasels will outlive your hamsters.
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What you are saying makes perfect sense.
I'm not afraid of losing weight per say or even success of reaching my goal. I know my healthy weight is in the 120s. As of now Im pushing 150.
I love looking modestly feminine . I love dresses, heels, makeup, wearing my hair long. But there are several issues at hand.
One is that the lower I get in weight the more my relationships with women suffer. I have very few true female friends. My best friend is my daughter, who introduced me to MFP. Not saying this out of ego or narcissism, but getting shamed by relatives is not cool.
There's also the issue of being made to feel uncomfortable about looking feminine. I dress for myself, but when someone is making you feel bad for being yourself you second guess things. I use the weight as a shield. I've stopped wearing makeup, dressing up, and doing my hair because someone was making me feel especially bad. I've also gained 10 lbs over my comfortable weight.
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Is it fear of success, or fear of change?
Sometimes depression can feel "safer" because it doesn't challenge us or scare us. (Even though it's horrible and makes us feel awful in so many other ways.)
That feeling is just depression making yet another excuse for itself.
Change can seem scary, but, I quote, "the only thing constant is change".
You can't stay the same person whether you weigh the same or not.
*kitten* that's a good question. I'm not sure.
You're right about depression being safer. I was depressed for over decade before seeking diagnosis for it. Then my treatment stopped working, I became manic by the time I could get into a psychiatrist, and boom! Bipolar.
Depression was familiar and safe# treatment was new and scary. Checking myself into a mental hospital for being sucidial was very scary. But ultimately it the best thing I did for myself. (Obviously I'm very open about my struggles)
It might be fear of change, or fear that I won't change. What I lose weight and it turns out I'm not pretty (I'm not saying I'm beautiful or anything, but I feel pretty now)? That sounds so petty and stupid and shallow, but I think most women want to be pretty (even though I also want to be invisible). What if I lose weight and I'm still a self-hating negative self-talker? What if I become more self-involved or more angry?
What if it's not worth it?
But what if it is? It is for so many. It has been so far.
My A1C has gone from 7.6 to 5.9. My cholesterol dropped from high with a statin to just above normal with a statin. That alone is worth it. If I keep it up there's a strong possibility that I'll get off all of my non-psych meds. That would be worth it.
I have to find a way to continue, despite my fears. Yesterday turned out to be a good day. I was within 10% of my goal. Today not so much, but I logged. That's a start.
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Re: Jujitsu
I have a knee that likes to dislocate. I had major surgery four years ago to stop that, but the problem was so severe that it somewhat limited my range of motion and left me semi-disabled. Believe me, if I were able-bodied I'd sign up for a form of martial arts/self defense, but the risk of serious injury is just too great. Just twisting my knee while getting up out of bed it tries to slip out of place. It's *very* frustrating. I'd love to take up running, but walking for exercise is too much for it most of the time. Oh well. You play the cards you're dealt, and I was born with this.
I've got a knee with no ACL which does the same thing - just likes to slip right on out when swinging my legs out of bed. If you haven't, I really suggest looking into a hinged brace for it. There are braces out there now which you can play full contact sports in, they are very supportive. And not that expensive, compared to a life with limited activity.
I understand the instinctive aspect of wanting to protect yourself from unwanted male attention. However, it's my experience having been both very fat and conventionally attractive at different times in my life that while being conventionally attractive, I get LESS unwanted attention because men are more respectful. Seriously, it's my experience that a high status appearance, which in our culture usually goes with being well dressed and thin, is more effective than fat armor and sloppy clothes, if what you want is to repel predatory types. Of course there are many predators who don't care what a woman looks like, but in general predators are not brave, and a low status person seems like an easier target.3 -
VintageFeline wrote: »As for the attractive thing, it is a royal pain in the *kitten*. I don't get out much and a large part of it is unwanted attention. I also have a weird armour thing where I deliberately make myself look at......able as then I am prepared for it, almost inviting it. Seems to to help but that's a coping strategy I have had since forever.
I'm not even trying to say I'm a great beauty or anything, just sometimes pretty. I'm just afraid of the possibility of unwanted attention.
Sometimes making myself look more attractive can provide armour. Because then the attention is on your terms. Makes sense.0 -
newheavensearth wrote: »What you are saying makes perfect sense.
I'm not afraid of losing weight per say or even success of reaching my goal. I know my healthy weight is in the 120s. As of now Im pushing 150.
I love looking modestly feminine . I love dresses, heels, makeup, wearing my hair long. But there are several issues at hand.
One is that the lower I get in weight the more my relationships with women suffer. I have very few true female friends. My best friend is my daughter, who introduced me to MFP. Not saying this out of ego or narcissism, but getting shamed by relatives is not cool.
There's also the issue of being made to feel uncomfortable about looking feminine. I dress for myself, but when someone is making you feel bad for being yourself you second guess things. I use the weight as a shield. I've stopped wearing makeup, dressing up, and doing my hair because someone was making me feel especially bad. I've also gained 10 lbs over my comfortable weight.
I'm sorry. Your friends and family sound like they kind of suck. *hugs* I hope you can find new friends that love you for you and relish in your success as well as patch things up with your current friends. I don't have many in real life friends either.
I'm sure you're wonderful and I know you don't deserve to be treated like that!1
This discussion has been closed.
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