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SisterSueGetsFit
SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
in Motivation and Support
I need some general unbiased advice from my MFP community. I know I should have probably posted this in the "chit-chat" section, but I feel like things aren't taken as seriously there. I've been dating a really wonderful man for the last 3 months or so. (We've exchanged the "I love you's") We workout together, eat healthy together and generally have a good time. Anyway...he is in the process of a divorce (I know, I know) and has been separated for about 3 years. Long story short, she walked out one day and left him with the kids, house, bills, etc. and moved in with another man. While, it appears they are now breaking up. She called my BF yesterday and asked to move in for a bit. He explained that that was a bad idea for everyone involved, especially the kids. She apparently disagrees. I'm trying to sort my feelings out, but I am extremely unhappy about this situation. 1. Since they are still married, both of their names are on the title to the home. I don't even know if he could legally stop her from moving in. 2. He is extremely non-conferential and will do anything to avoid an argument. 3. If he says no, she could make everything much more difficult for him. For instance, she's agreed not to fight for the house, but she could change her mind. But, she may change it anyway since she now isn't living with her boyfriend. 4. IF, and I mean IF, she moved in, what does that mean for us? Is he just going to take off for the weekend and come stay with me? We spend time together now when the kids are at her house. Will that really work if they're all living together? Probably not. Further, we have a vacation planned at the end of the month. Is he just going to leave for 5 days to go on vacation with his girlfriend? That's weird.

To make matters worse, I know she wants to get back together. I know he doesn't, but that's irrelevant, at least to me.

I'm thinking this is a deal breaker for me (if she actually moves) but I'm trying to be rational. Unfortunately, it's also making me question the whole relationship. What are your thoughts. I know I have a right to be upset, but it is valid?
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Replies

  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
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    toxikon wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when you're divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    Bingo. This is his decision, not yours. If he can't stand up to his not-so ex-wife, there's nothing you can really do, sadly. It's up to him to fight for what he wants.

    Damn it! Quoted before I could fix my egregious typo :lol:
  • LizPalen412
    LizPalen412 Posts: 38 Member
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    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    I agree with this. I was actually in an extremely similar situation a few years ago. I was dating a guy who was separated, not divorced yet, and the ex-wife ended up needing to move back in for various (similar) reasons. Granted, we weren't as serious as it sounds like you guys are, but I told him that just wasn't going to work for me and to call me when he truly was single. Well, a few months later, he had sorted things out and got back in touch with me. But actually by that time, I had met someone else and am still with him 2 years later :) And he never had any baggage to sort out either! Sorry you've been put in this situation, it's definitely not fun. I hope you're able to work through it.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    JoRocka wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.


    this- it was a mistake to get wrapped up with someone who is not legally clear of a sticky situation.

    Also- 3 months after a separation and your exchanging I love you's- perhaps pump your breaks a bit- I can't even say I love a puppy after 3 months of ownership- much less a human being I just met- and in the grand scheme of things- 3 months- is "just met"

    IMHO it's unacceptable for him to be living with his still wife and with you and not pushing for paper work. If he was actively making things happen- I *might* be more inclined to be open to the conversation- but nopes. bags and bags of nopes.

    He's been separated 3 years, not months... I'm nuts, but not that nuts. : ) But yes, I agree we probably jumped into the I love you thing a bit soon.

    They are actively making things happen and it SHOULD be done within a couple months, but still, here I am.

    I appreciate your advice and can't totally disagree with you. Thank you.

  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    pinuplove wrote: »
    toxikon wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when you're divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    Bingo. This is his decision, not yours. If he can't stand up to his not-so ex-wife, there's nothing you can really do, sadly. It's up to him to fight for what he wants.

    Damn it! Quoted before I could fix my egregious typo :lol:

    I don't have any doubt he wants to be with me, that isn't the issue, per-say. It's just a situation that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I'm more doubting myself, I don't know...
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
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    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    toxikon wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when you're divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    Bingo. This is his decision, not yours. If he can't stand up to his not-so ex-wife, there's nothing you can really do, sadly. It's up to him to fight for what he wants.

    Damn it! Quoted before I could fix my egregious typo :lol:

    I don't have any doubt he wants to be with me, that isn't the issue, per-say. It's just a situation that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I'm more doubting myself, I don't know...

    If he's the one for you and you're the one for him, won't that still be true when all his current relationship entanglements are sorted? I'd be more than uncomfortable with the situation you've described.
  • aeloine
    aeloine Posts: 2,163 Member
    edited February 2018
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    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.


    this- it was a mistake to get wrapped up with someone who is not legally clear of a sticky situation.

    Also- 3 months after a separation and your exchanging I love you's- perhaps pump your breaks a bit- I can't even say I love a puppy after 3 months of ownership- much less a human being I just met- and in the grand scheme of things- 3 months- is "just met"

    IMHO it's unacceptable for him to be living with his still wife and with you and not pushing for paper work. If he was actively making things happen- I *might* be more inclined to be open to the conversation- but nopes. bags and bags of nopes.

    He's been separated 3 years, not months... I'm nuts, but not that nuts. : ) But yes, I agree we probably jumped into the I love you thing a bit soon.

    They are actively making things happen and it SHOULD be done within a couple months, but still, here I am.

    I appreciate your advice and can't totally disagree with you. Thank you.

    Can't be that active if they've been separated for 3 years and not signed yet.

    I'm very sorry to sound a little harsh, but after 3 months, you're not the top priority. I could not agree more with Previous poster and say:
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.'

    The vacation thing is complicated but that's plenty of time for him to get his life sorted out. He could very well have the divorce finalized and use it as a celebration. Or you might have to take the vacation alone.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    Like an above poster said where I live in VA moving back in starts the separation clock back a year. If he lets her move back in, move along. He isn’t done with the chapter and I don’t mean romantically. He doesn’t have the coconuts to really cut the cord.
  • ZombieKillaPrincess
    ZombieKillaPrincess Posts: 404 Member
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    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    THIS!!!^^^

    I am sorry for your situation... but he is a mess at the moment and needs to sort out his life before you 2 have a real chance. I am single and have had a good number of "separated" or "going through the divorce process" guys hit on me and some seemed great but the reality is that it's not over until it's over. I think loose ends should be tied before starting another relationship.

    My advice is to leave him. If he truly wants to be with you, he needs to sort out his messy life first.

    prob not what you want to hear, but I suck at sugar-coating.
  • aeloine
    aeloine Posts: 2,163 Member
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    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    Thanks to each of you who've responded. It appears the advice is universally the same. I suppose it's time he and I have a talk this evening. I'm entitled to some answers. I am well aware I jumped into this way to fast. With that being said, he is a wonderful person, I do truly care about him and I enjoy his company. I also care about me and my well being and I have to come first. We'll see where things shake out tonight. Thanks again.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hope it works out!
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    Thanks to each of you who've responded. It appears the advice is universally the same. I suppose it's time he and I have a talk this evening. I'm entitled to some answers. I am well aware I jumped into this way to fast. With that being said, he is a wonderful person, I do truly care about him and I enjoy his company. I also care about me and my well being and I have to come first. We'll see where things shake out tonight. Thanks again.

    There are lots of wonderful still single people out there too. You can do this!!! Have the hard conversation and see what happens. You deserve to be happy too- don't discount your own feelings.
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
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    BZAH10 wrote: »
    Sorry you're in such a messy situation, but the advice you've been given here is good and I agree. Step back and make sure the divorce is final before moving forward.

    Also, IMHO, the biggest problem isn't that he's still married, it's that he's so "non-confrontational" (i.e. can't / won't make decisions and choices for fear of the consequences) that he hasn't stood up for himself and his kids and gotten the divorce done which has resulted in him putting himself in the position that she CAN legally move back in.

    This personality trait is difficult to deal with long term because they tend to be like this with EVERY situation, hence everything involving the kids or extended family or whatever he will just let whatever happen instead of taking a stand and controlling what he can.

    This is very true. The ex and (especially) kids don't disappear just because the papers are signed.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    BZAH10 wrote: »
    Sorry you're in such a messy situation, but the advice you've been given here is good and I agree. Step back and make sure the divorce is final before moving forward.

    Also, IMHO, the biggest problem isn't that he's still married, it's that he's so "non-confrontational" (i.e. can't / won't make decisions and choices for fear of the consequences) that he hasn't stood up for himself and his kids and gotten the divorce done which has resulted in him putting himself in the position that she CAN legally move back in.

    This personality trait is difficult to deal with long term because they tend to be like this with EVERY situation, hence everything involving the kids or extended family or whatever he will just let whatever happen instead of taking a stand and controlling what he can.

    I agree 100% with the fact he needs to stand up for himself. While I'm not necessarily confrontational, I don't take a lot of crap from anyone. I know he's trying not to rock the boat, but enough is enough. I guess I was just completely blindsided by this last night and I get more frustrated and angry the more I think about it. I will talk to him this evening about how I feel, but he's a grown man and needs to make his own decisions based on what's best for him and his kids. Thanks for the solid advice.

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