Dating, dieting and life...

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  • deputy_randolph
    deputy_randolph Posts: 940 Member
    edited February 2018
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    So if she moves in with him...he has both a wife and a girlfriend. This seems like a win-win situation for him.

    Also...been seperated for 3 years, but not divorced yet? He may not want to be with the wife...but he also doesn't seem to want a divorce.

    You've been with this guy 3 months...I bet you can find another great guy (who isn't married).
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    So if she moves in with him...he has both a wife and a girlfriend. This seems like a win-win situation for him.

    Also...been seperated for 3 years, but not divorced yet? He may not want to be with the wife...but he also doesn't seem to want a divorce.

    You've been with this guy 3 months...I bet you can find another great guy (who isn't married).

    She would not be in the same bedroom as him, so it's not like he'd have a "wife" at home other than the fact they are still technically married, but I get what you're saying. And yes, three months is a short amount of time. I also understand that they have been separated far too long to not be divorced but I haven't really questioned him too much on this (which is my fault) as I know they have been going to mediation. He actually only filed for divorce about 8 months ago despite the fact they hadn't been living together for a few years. Anywhoo... thanks for the comment.
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,967 Member
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    Sorry you’re in this situation. I agree with the others and put this relationship on hold until he is divorced. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get too invested in someone while still married, separated or not. Anything can happen, and not to sound mean, but when it comes down to it, she is his wife. You’re just the girlfriend. I mean I wouldn’t say cut off all contact with him but slow way down. See other people.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,172 Member
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    I used to be a mediator. Sometimes the parties mediate how to wade through the divorce process amicably, especially when kids are involved. They also negotiate property division and custody arrangements. BUT sometimes they mediate how to solve relationship problems and get back together despite their history of distrust. Although that’s usually done in couples counseling, mediation for those things can occur. I’m not sure which kind they are doing, do you? She’s not with her boyfriend so she’s available to her husband. She wants to move back in with her husband and kids. A guy can claim all he wants that they will be in separate rooms. But even couples with the most dysfunctional relationships can be tempted to try intimacy “just one more time” to see if they can save the relationship.
  • BNY721
    BNY721 Posts: 125 Member
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    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    I have to agree...you deserve a relationship where the man can fully commit 100% without the fear of his estranged wife moving back into their joint home. Too many variables for me. I wish you the best with whatever you decide. You’re worth it.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    DebLaBounty wrote: »
    I used to be a mediator. Sometimes the parties mediate how to wade through the divorce process amicably, especially when kids are involved. They also negotiate property division and custody arrangements. BUT sometimes they mediate how to solve relationship problems and get back together despite their history of distrust. Although that’s usually done in couples counseling, mediation for those things can occur. I’m not sure which kind they are doing, do you? She’s not with her boyfriend so she’s available to her husband. She wants to move back in with her husband and kids. A guy can claim all he wants that they will be in separate rooms. But even couples with the most dysfunctional relationships can be tempted to try intimacy “just one more time” to see if they can save the relationship.

    This is Definitely the former. They are not going to any type of couples counseling. I appreciate your view point given you’ve worked in this field. It may sound cliche, but I trust him 100%. He hasn’t been “her husband” for a long time. It’s his fault for not filing for divorce sooner, but We’ll see what happens. I also understand things happen, and although I trust him completely I don’t like it.

  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    BNY721 wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    I have to agree...you deserve a relationship where the man can fully commit 100% without the fear of his estranged wife moving back into their joint home. Too many variables for me. I wish you the best with whatever you decide. You’re worth it.

    Thank you.
  • MySweetLavinia
    MySweetLavinia Posts: 90 Member
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    OP, I was in a situation similar to your boyfriend's once. I was separated from my ex but he was stalling as long as possible on the divorce, making trouble just because he could (he had treated me horribly for years and was angry that I'd finally had enough). He fought everything out of spite. We shared a house for a year of this time for desperate financial reasons. For the year I still lived with the ex, I was never anything but a distant and polite roommate to him. So it's definitely possible for it to be done honestly.

    During that time I also started dating someone else, who I've now been happily married to for ten years.

    Howeverrrr, your bf has kids. I think that reason alone makes what his ex is asking for a bad idea. It will be confusing and crappy for them and just complicate matters more.

    Also, I think this statement is a red flag: "2. He is extremely non-conferential and will do anything to avoid an argument." This is a bad sign. He should be willing to fight for himself and his children's well-being, instead of giving in to a woman he doesn't want to be with. She'll walk all over him during the divorce whether or not he gives in to her now- if the divorce ever gets done.

    He needs to give her a firm NO. I'm not sure where you all live, but here, since she willingly left the house first, he would probably be able prevent her from moving back in. He needs to consult his lawyer asap about this.

    I think you should go with your gut on this. If it makes you truly uncomfortable, tell him it's a dealbreaker. If he's not willing to stand up to her it is probably better to end things, I am sorry to say.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,487 Member
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    Let’s talk weight loss.

    Respect yourself. Sometimes I give this advice on here- We only get one life. To the extent you can get it, you should decide for yourself what kind of life you want. Once you decide, you deserve to get it. No other reason is needed. It’s what you decide you want for you. Is what you’re getting now what you really want?

    We don’t really get to decide who we fall in love with. But then we enter into “relationships.” Which is akin to deciding to go into business with someone. You think this is a good deal for you?

    Run away. Separate bedrooms? Give me a break.
  • harasezza
    harasezza Posts: 5 Member
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    Sorry you are having to make tough decisions because your partner is being indecisive. I understand that you love him, but if I were in your situation, I would put the relationship on the back burner until he gets his life sorted. That doesn't necessarily mean putting your life on hold for him either.

    At this point, you have only invested 3 months in this relationship. Imagine how much worse you will feel if things don't get resolved in another few months like he has claimed. I hope you will give us an update on how your conversation went with him. Best of luck!
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
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    Tell him to grow some balls and just tell her to >bleep< off. Do not negotiate, do not give in to threats of making the divorce harder, just do it. It's been three years.

    If he can't do that then you need to distance yourself. It's very not fair to you to have her hanging around and if he loves you he needs to realize that.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    Roadie2000 wrote: »
    Tell him to grow some balls and just tell her to >bleep< off. Do not negotiate, do not give in to threats of making the divorce harder, just do it. It's been three years.

    If he can't do that then you need to distance yourself. It's very not fair to you to have her hanging around and if he loves you he needs to realize that.

    You are completely right.

  • alicebhsia
    alicebhsia Posts: 179 Member
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    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    I need some general unbiased advice from my MFP community. I know I should have probably posted this in the "chit-chat" section, but I feel like things aren't taken as seriously there. I've been dating a really wonderful man for the last 3 months or so. (We've exchanged the "I love you's") We workout together, eat healthy together and generally have a good time. Anyway...he is in the process of a divorce (I know, I know) and has been separated for about 3 years. Long story short, she walked out one day and left him with the kids, house, bills, etc. and moved in with another man. While, it appears they are now breaking up. She called my BF yesterday and asked to move in for a bit. He explained that that was a bad idea for everyone involved, especially the kids. She apparently disagrees. I'm trying to sort my feelings out, but I am extremely unhappy about this situation. 1. Since they are still married, both of their names are on the title to the home. I don't even know if he could legally stop her from moving in. 2. He is extremely non-conferential and will do anything to avoid an argument. 3. If he says no, she could make everything much more difficult for him. For instance, she's agreed not to fight for the house, but she could change her mind. But, she may change it anyway since she now isn't living with her boyfriend. 4. IF, and I mean IF, she moved in, what does that mean for us? Is he just going to take off for the weekend and come stay with me? We spend time together now when the kids are at her house. Will that really work if they're all living together? Probably not. Further, we have a vacation planned at the end of the month. Is he just going to leave for 5 days to go on vacation with his girlfriend? That's weird.

    To make matters worse, I know she wants to get back together. I know he doesn't, but that's irrelevant, at least to me.

    I'm thinking this is a deal breaker for me (if she actually moves) but I'm trying to be rational. Unfortunately, it's also making me question the whole relationship. What are your thoughts. I know I have a right to be upset, but it is valid?

    i'm sorry you are going through this. my advice would be to give him his space and let him handle the situation and try not to get too upset. i know you must be afraid of them getting back together, but after this long and what she did i doubt that will happen. just try to trust and be patient.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    alicebhsia wrote: »
    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    I need some general unbiased advice from my MFP community. I know I should have probably posted this in the "chit-chat" section, but I feel like things aren't taken as seriously there. I've been dating a really wonderful man for the last 3 months or so. (We've exchanged the "I love you's") We workout together, eat healthy together and generally have a good time. Anyway...he is in the process of a divorce (I know, I know) and has been separated for about 3 years. Long story short, she walked out one day and left him with the kids, house, bills, etc. and moved in with another man. While, it appears they are now breaking up. She called my BF yesterday and asked to move in for a bit. He explained that that was a bad idea for everyone involved, especially the kids. She apparently disagrees. I'm trying to sort my feelings out, but I am extremely unhappy about this situation. 1. Since they are still married, both of their names are on the title to the home. I don't even know if he could legally stop her from moving in. 2. He is extremely non-conferential and will do anything to avoid an argument. 3. If he says no, she could make everything much more difficult for him. For instance, she's agreed not to fight for the house, but she could change her mind. But, she may change it anyway since she now isn't living with her boyfriend. 4. IF, and I mean IF, she moved in, what does that mean for us? Is he just going to take off for the weekend and come stay with me? We spend time together now when the kids are at her house. Will that really work if they're all living together? Probably not. Further, we have a vacation planned at the end of the month. Is he just going to leave for 5 days to go on vacation with his girlfriend? That's weird.

    To make matters worse, I know she wants to get back together. I know he doesn't, but that's irrelevant, at least to me.

    I'm thinking this is a deal breaker for me (if she actually moves) but I'm trying to be rational. Unfortunately, it's also making me question the whole relationship. What are your thoughts. I know I have a right to be upset, but it is valid?

    i'm sorry you are going through this. my advice would be to give him his space and let him handle the situation and try not to get too upset. i know you must be afraid of them getting back together, but after this long and what she did i doubt that will happen. just try to trust and be patient.

    Thank you. I am absolutely not afraid of them getting back together, I know it’s over, I just don’t like the idea of it. At this point it appears she will not be moving in, but I’m angry it even had to be a point of contention or something I needed to think about dealing with. I agree 100% with the rest of the people who have said this divorce is taking too long. Technically he only filed for divorce about six months ago, so in a way, I do get it, but it’s time to be over. I guess all of this has made me question my relationship. I appreciate the time you took to respond.

  • Katiebear_81
    Katiebear_81 Posts: 719 Member
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    So I'm still married. We've been separated for 5 years and are not rushing into paying thousands of dollars to say that we're no longer married. We did, however, immediately sort and get official documentation for our financial assets (split, and settled) and custody. Neither of us want to remarry at this point, and that is the ONLY reason for us (in Canada, anyway) to get actually divorced. Oh - and I can't remove him as my pension partner until we're divorced. I'm perfectly fine with him staying on it, if I die, then he will get the money to take care of my kids. ::shrug:: Not everyone who puts off divorce wants to remain together, even a little bit.

    Sorry you're going through this, OP. That's super lame, and hopefully they will continue to move towards getting divorced and both you and your BF end up happy.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    Katiebear_81 wrote: »
    So I'm still married. We've been separated for 5 years and are not rushing into paying thousands of dollars to say that we're no longer married. We did, however, immediately sort and get official documentation for our financial assets (split, and settled) and custody. Neither of us want to remarry at this point, and that is the ONLY reason for us (in Canada, anyway) to get actually divorced. Oh - and I can't remove him as my pension partner until we're divorced. I'm perfectly fine with him staying on it, if I die, then he will get the money to take care of my kids. ::shrug:: Not everyone who puts off divorce wants to remain together, even a little bit.

    Sorry you're going through this, OP. That's super lame, and hopefully they will continue to move towards getting divorced and both you and your BF end up happy.

    Thank you for a different viewpoint. I know we haven’t been together long, but he is one of the best people I know and I really do love him. I occasionally question if I’m in love with him, but I definitely love him as a human. I’m also very frustrated about him not taking more of an initiative to make this divorce happen. I understand your reasoning behind not doing it and think it’s a very personal decision. His situation is different but I know he presumably had his reasons for taking so long to initiate the process.

    I wish you happiness, married or divorced. ❤️

  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,306 Member
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    You know the answer to your own question. In the end.. you'll do what you have the strength to do. I hope you don't get hurt. Good luck.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,172 Member
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    Sounds to me that he’s non-confrontational with her AND you. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with his wife. He doesn’t want to have meaningful dialogue with you because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Do you want to be with an nice guy who has a history of being an indecisive man in all his relationships?

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