Dating, dieting and life...

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Replies

  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    Tell him to grow some balls and just tell her to >bleep< off. Do not negotiate, do not give in to threats of making the divorce harder, just do it. It's been three years.

    If he can't do that then you need to distance yourself. It's very not fair to you to have her hanging around and if he loves you he needs to realize that.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    Roadie2000 wrote: »
    Tell him to grow some balls and just tell her to >bleep< off. Do not negotiate, do not give in to threats of making the divorce harder, just do it. It's been three years.

    If he can't do that then you need to distance yourself. It's very not fair to you to have her hanging around and if he loves you he needs to realize that.

    You are completely right.

  • alicebhsia
    alicebhsia Posts: 178 Member
    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    I need some general unbiased advice from my MFP community. I know I should have probably posted this in the "chit-chat" section, but I feel like things aren't taken as seriously there. I've been dating a really wonderful man for the last 3 months or so. (We've exchanged the "I love you's") We workout together, eat healthy together and generally have a good time. Anyway...he is in the process of a divorce (I know, I know) and has been separated for about 3 years. Long story short, she walked out one day and left him with the kids, house, bills, etc. and moved in with another man. While, it appears they are now breaking up. She called my BF yesterday and asked to move in for a bit. He explained that that was a bad idea for everyone involved, especially the kids. She apparently disagrees. I'm trying to sort my feelings out, but I am extremely unhappy about this situation. 1. Since they are still married, both of their names are on the title to the home. I don't even know if he could legally stop her from moving in. 2. He is extremely non-conferential and will do anything to avoid an argument. 3. If he says no, she could make everything much more difficult for him. For instance, she's agreed not to fight for the house, but she could change her mind. But, she may change it anyway since she now isn't living with her boyfriend. 4. IF, and I mean IF, she moved in, what does that mean for us? Is he just going to take off for the weekend and come stay with me? We spend time together now when the kids are at her house. Will that really work if they're all living together? Probably not. Further, we have a vacation planned at the end of the month. Is he just going to leave for 5 days to go on vacation with his girlfriend? That's weird.

    To make matters worse, I know she wants to get back together. I know he doesn't, but that's irrelevant, at least to me.

    I'm thinking this is a deal breaker for me (if she actually moves) but I'm trying to be rational. Unfortunately, it's also making me question the whole relationship. What are your thoughts. I know I have a right to be upset, but it is valid?

    i'm sorry you are going through this. my advice would be to give him his space and let him handle the situation and try not to get too upset. i know you must be afraid of them getting back together, but after this long and what she did i doubt that will happen. just try to trust and be patient.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    alicebhsia wrote: »
    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    I need some general unbiased advice from my MFP community. I know I should have probably posted this in the "chit-chat" section, but I feel like things aren't taken as seriously there. I've been dating a really wonderful man for the last 3 months or so. (We've exchanged the "I love you's") We workout together, eat healthy together and generally have a good time. Anyway...he is in the process of a divorce (I know, I know) and has been separated for about 3 years. Long story short, she walked out one day and left him with the kids, house, bills, etc. and moved in with another man. While, it appears they are now breaking up. She called my BF yesterday and asked to move in for a bit. He explained that that was a bad idea for everyone involved, especially the kids. She apparently disagrees. I'm trying to sort my feelings out, but I am extremely unhappy about this situation. 1. Since they are still married, both of their names are on the title to the home. I don't even know if he could legally stop her from moving in. 2. He is extremely non-conferential and will do anything to avoid an argument. 3. If he says no, she could make everything much more difficult for him. For instance, she's agreed not to fight for the house, but she could change her mind. But, she may change it anyway since she now isn't living with her boyfriend. 4. IF, and I mean IF, she moved in, what does that mean for us? Is he just going to take off for the weekend and come stay with me? We spend time together now when the kids are at her house. Will that really work if they're all living together? Probably not. Further, we have a vacation planned at the end of the month. Is he just going to leave for 5 days to go on vacation with his girlfriend? That's weird.

    To make matters worse, I know she wants to get back together. I know he doesn't, but that's irrelevant, at least to me.

    I'm thinking this is a deal breaker for me (if she actually moves) but I'm trying to be rational. Unfortunately, it's also making me question the whole relationship. What are your thoughts. I know I have a right to be upset, but it is valid?

    i'm sorry you are going through this. my advice would be to give him his space and let him handle the situation and try not to get too upset. i know you must be afraid of them getting back together, but after this long and what she did i doubt that will happen. just try to trust and be patient.

    Thank you. I am absolutely not afraid of them getting back together, I know it’s over, I just don’t like the idea of it. At this point it appears she will not be moving in, but I’m angry it even had to be a point of contention or something I needed to think about dealing with. I agree 100% with the rest of the people who have said this divorce is taking too long. Technically he only filed for divorce about six months ago, so in a way, I do get it, but it’s time to be over. I guess all of this has made me question my relationship. I appreciate the time you took to respond.

  • Katiebear_81
    Katiebear_81 Posts: 719 Member
    So I'm still married. We've been separated for 5 years and are not rushing into paying thousands of dollars to say that we're no longer married. We did, however, immediately sort and get official documentation for our financial assets (split, and settled) and custody. Neither of us want to remarry at this point, and that is the ONLY reason for us (in Canada, anyway) to get actually divorced. Oh - and I can't remove him as my pension partner until we're divorced. I'm perfectly fine with him staying on it, if I die, then he will get the money to take care of my kids. ::shrug:: Not everyone who puts off divorce wants to remain together, even a little bit.

    Sorry you're going through this, OP. That's super lame, and hopefully they will continue to move towards getting divorced and both you and your BF end up happy.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    Katiebear_81 wrote: »
    So I'm still married. We've been separated for 5 years and are not rushing into paying thousands of dollars to say that we're no longer married. We did, however, immediately sort and get official documentation for our financial assets (split, and settled) and custody. Neither of us want to remarry at this point, and that is the ONLY reason for us (in Canada, anyway) to get actually divorced. Oh - and I can't remove him as my pension partner until we're divorced. I'm perfectly fine with him staying on it, if I die, then he will get the money to take care of my kids. ::shrug:: Not everyone who puts off divorce wants to remain together, even a little bit.

    Sorry you're going through this, OP. That's super lame, and hopefully they will continue to move towards getting divorced and both you and your BF end up happy.

    Thank you for a different viewpoint. I know we haven’t been together long, but he is one of the best people I know and I really do love him. I occasionally question if I’m in love with him, but I definitely love him as a human. I’m also very frustrated about him not taking more of an initiative to make this divorce happen. I understand your reasoning behind not doing it and think it’s a very personal decision. His situation is different but I know he presumably had his reasons for taking so long to initiate the process.

    I wish you happiness, married or divorced. ❤️

  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,324 Member
    You know the answer to your own question. In the end.. you'll do what you have the strength to do. I hope you don't get hurt. Good luck.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,169 Member
    Sounds to me that he’s non-confrontational with her AND you. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with his wife. He doesn’t want to have meaningful dialogue with you because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Do you want to be with an nice guy who has a history of being an indecisive man in all his relationships?
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    DebLaBounty wrote: »
    Sounds to me that he’s non-confrontational with her AND you. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with his wife. He doesn’t want to have meaningful dialogue with you because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Do you want to be with an nice guy who has a history of being an indecisive man in all his relationships?

    I agree the fact he's so non-confrontational is an issue. At least for me. I'm a "hash it out" kind of person. While I don't expect everyone to be this way, to completely shut down won't work for me. It's something he'll either have to work on (giving me an opinion, standing up for himself, etc.), I'll have to get over or it'll be a deal breaker. I believe he can continue to be a nice, kind man and still lay his thoughts on the table/stand up for himself.

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