Dating, dieting and life...

SisterSueGetsFit
SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
edited November 24 in Motivation and Support
I need some general unbiased advice from my MFP community. I know I should have probably posted this in the "chit-chat" section, but I feel like things aren't taken as seriously there. I've been dating a really wonderful man for the last 3 months or so. (We've exchanged the "I love you's") We workout together, eat healthy together and generally have a good time. Anyway...he is in the process of a divorce (I know, I know) and has been separated for about 3 years. Long story short, she walked out one day and left him with the kids, house, bills, etc. and moved in with another man. While, it appears they are now breaking up. She called my BF yesterday and asked to move in for a bit. He explained that that was a bad idea for everyone involved, especially the kids. She apparently disagrees. I'm trying to sort my feelings out, but I am extremely unhappy about this situation. 1. Since they are still married, both of their names are on the title to the home. I don't even know if he could legally stop her from moving in. 2. He is extremely non-conferential and will do anything to avoid an argument. 3. If he says no, she could make everything much more difficult for him. For instance, she's agreed not to fight for the house, but she could change her mind. But, she may change it anyway since she now isn't living with her boyfriend. 4. IF, and I mean IF, she moved in, what does that mean for us? Is he just going to take off for the weekend and come stay with me? We spend time together now when the kids are at her house. Will that really work if they're all living together? Probably not. Further, we have a vacation planned at the end of the month. Is he just going to leave for 5 days to go on vacation with his girlfriend? That's weird.

To make matters worse, I know she wants to get back together. I know he doesn't, but that's irrelevant, at least to me.

I'm thinking this is a deal breaker for me (if she actually moves) but I'm trying to be rational. Unfortunately, it's also making me question the whole relationship. What are your thoughts. I know I have a right to be upset, but it is valid?
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Replies

  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    toxikon wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when you're divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    Bingo. This is his decision, not yours. If he can't stand up to his not-so ex-wife, there's nothing you can really do, sadly. It's up to him to fight for what he wants.

    Damn it! Quoted before I could fix my egregious typo :lol:
  • LizPalen412
    LizPalen412 Posts: 38 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    I agree with this. I was actually in an extremely similar situation a few years ago. I was dating a guy who was separated, not divorced yet, and the ex-wife ended up needing to move back in for various (similar) reasons. Granted, we weren't as serious as it sounds like you guys are, but I told him that just wasn't going to work for me and to call me when he truly was single. Well, a few months later, he had sorted things out and got back in touch with me. But actually by that time, I had met someone else and am still with him 2 years later :) And he never had any baggage to sort out either! Sorry you've been put in this situation, it's definitely not fun. I hope you're able to work through it.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.


    this- it was a mistake to get wrapped up with someone who is not legally clear of a sticky situation.

    Also- 3 months after a separation and your exchanging I love you's- perhaps pump your breaks a bit- I can't even say I love a puppy after 3 months of ownership- much less a human being I just met- and in the grand scheme of things- 3 months- is "just met"

    IMHO it's unacceptable for him to be living with his still wife and with you and not pushing for paper work. If he was actively making things happen- I *might* be more inclined to be open to the conversation- but nopes. bags and bags of nopes.

    He's been separated 3 years, not months... I'm nuts, but not that nuts. : ) But yes, I agree we probably jumped into the I love you thing a bit soon.

    They are actively making things happen and it SHOULD be done within a couple months, but still, here I am.

    I appreciate your advice and can't totally disagree with you. Thank you.

  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    toxikon wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when you're divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    Bingo. This is his decision, not yours. If he can't stand up to his not-so ex-wife, there's nothing you can really do, sadly. It's up to him to fight for what he wants.

    Damn it! Quoted before I could fix my egregious typo :lol:

    I don't have any doubt he wants to be with me, that isn't the issue, per-say. It's just a situation that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I'm more doubting myself, I don't know...
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    toxikon wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when you're divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    Bingo. This is his decision, not yours. If he can't stand up to his not-so ex-wife, there's nothing you can really do, sadly. It's up to him to fight for what he wants.

    Damn it! Quoted before I could fix my egregious typo :lol:

    I don't have any doubt he wants to be with me, that isn't the issue, per-say. It's just a situation that makes me uncomfortable. Maybe I'm more doubting myself, I don't know...

    If he's the one for you and you're the one for him, won't that still be true when all his current relationship entanglements are sorted? I'd be more than uncomfortable with the situation you've described.
  • aeloine
    aeloine Posts: 2,163 Member
    edited February 2018
    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.


    this- it was a mistake to get wrapped up with someone who is not legally clear of a sticky situation.

    Also- 3 months after a separation and your exchanging I love you's- perhaps pump your breaks a bit- I can't even say I love a puppy after 3 months of ownership- much less a human being I just met- and in the grand scheme of things- 3 months- is "just met"

    IMHO it's unacceptable for him to be living with his still wife and with you and not pushing for paper work. If he was actively making things happen- I *might* be more inclined to be open to the conversation- but nopes. bags and bags of nopes.

    He's been separated 3 years, not months... I'm nuts, but not that nuts. : ) But yes, I agree we probably jumped into the I love you thing a bit soon.

    They are actively making things happen and it SHOULD be done within a couple months, but still, here I am.

    I appreciate your advice and can't totally disagree with you. Thank you.

    Can't be that active if they've been separated for 3 years and not signed yet.

    I'm very sorry to sound a little harsh, but after 3 months, you're not the top priority. I could not agree more with Previous poster and say:
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.'

    The vacation thing is complicated but that's plenty of time for him to get his life sorted out. He could very well have the divorce finalized and use it as a celebration. Or you might have to take the vacation alone.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 777 Member
    Like an above poster said where I live in VA moving back in starts the separation clock back a year. If he lets her move back in, move along. He isn’t done with the chapter and I don’t mean romantically. He doesn’t have the coconuts to really cut the cord.
  • ZombieKillaPrincess
    ZombieKillaPrincess Posts: 404 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    THIS!!!^^^

    I am sorry for your situation... but he is a mess at the moment and needs to sort out his life before you 2 have a real chance. I am single and have had a good number of "separated" or "going through the divorce process" guys hit on me and some seemed great but the reality is that it's not over until it's over. I think loose ends should be tied before starting another relationship.

    My advice is to leave him. If he truly wants to be with you, he needs to sort out his messy life first.

    prob not what you want to hear, but I suck at sugar-coating.
  • aeloine
    aeloine Posts: 2,163 Member
    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    Thanks to each of you who've responded. It appears the advice is universally the same. I suppose it's time he and I have a talk this evening. I'm entitled to some answers. I am well aware I jumped into this way to fast. With that being said, he is a wonderful person, I do truly care about him and I enjoy his company. I also care about me and my well being and I have to come first. We'll see where things shake out tonight. Thanks again.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hope it works out!
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    SisterSueGetsFit wrote: »
    Thanks to each of you who've responded. It appears the advice is universally the same. I suppose it's time he and I have a talk this evening. I'm entitled to some answers. I am well aware I jumped into this way to fast. With that being said, he is a wonderful person, I do truly care about him and I enjoy his company. I also care about me and my well being and I have to come first. We'll see where things shake out tonight. Thanks again.

    There are lots of wonderful still single people out there too. You can do this!!! Have the hard conversation and see what happens. You deserve to be happy too- don't discount your own feelings.
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    BZAH10 wrote: »
    Sorry you're in such a messy situation, but the advice you've been given here is good and I agree. Step back and make sure the divorce is final before moving forward.

    Also, IMHO, the biggest problem isn't that he's still married, it's that he's so "non-confrontational" (i.e. can't / won't make decisions and choices for fear of the consequences) that he hasn't stood up for himself and his kids and gotten the divorce done which has resulted in him putting himself in the position that she CAN legally move back in.

    This personality trait is difficult to deal with long term because they tend to be like this with EVERY situation, hence everything involving the kids or extended family or whatever he will just let whatever happen instead of taking a stand and controlling what he can.

    This is very true. The ex and (especially) kids don't disappear just because the papers are signed.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    BZAH10 wrote: »
    Sorry you're in such a messy situation, but the advice you've been given here is good and I agree. Step back and make sure the divorce is final before moving forward.

    Also, IMHO, the biggest problem isn't that he's still married, it's that he's so "non-confrontational" (i.e. can't / won't make decisions and choices for fear of the consequences) that he hasn't stood up for himself and his kids and gotten the divorce done which has resulted in him putting himself in the position that she CAN legally move back in.

    This personality trait is difficult to deal with long term because they tend to be like this with EVERY situation, hence everything involving the kids or extended family or whatever he will just let whatever happen instead of taking a stand and controlling what he can.

    I agree 100% with the fact he needs to stand up for himself. While I'm not necessarily confrontational, I don't take a lot of crap from anyone. I know he's trying not to rock the boat, but enough is enough. I guess I was just completely blindsided by this last night and I get more frustrated and angry the more I think about it. I will talk to him this evening about how I feel, but he's a grown man and needs to make his own decisions based on what's best for him and his kids. Thanks for the solid advice.
  • deputy_randolph
    deputy_randolph Posts: 940 Member
    edited February 2018
    So if she moves in with him...he has both a wife and a girlfriend. This seems like a win-win situation for him.

    Also...been seperated for 3 years, but not divorced yet? He may not want to be with the wife...but he also doesn't seem to want a divorce.

    You've been with this guy 3 months...I bet you can find another great guy (who isn't married).
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    So if she moves in with him...he has both a wife and a girlfriend. This seems like a win-win situation for him.

    Also...been seperated for 3 years, but not divorced yet? He may not want to be with the wife...but he also doesn't seem to want a divorce.

    You've been with this guy 3 months...I bet you can find another great guy (who isn't married).

    She would not be in the same bedroom as him, so it's not like he'd have a "wife" at home other than the fact they are still technically married, but I get what you're saying. And yes, three months is a short amount of time. I also understand that they have been separated far too long to not be divorced but I haven't really questioned him too much on this (which is my fault) as I know they have been going to mediation. He actually only filed for divorce about 8 months ago despite the fact they hadn't been living together for a few years. Anywhoo... thanks for the comment.
  • hesn92
    hesn92 Posts: 5,966 Member
    Sorry you’re in this situation. I agree with the others and put this relationship on hold until he is divorced. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get too invested in someone while still married, separated or not. Anything can happen, and not to sound mean, but when it comes down to it, she is his wife. You’re just the girlfriend. I mean I wouldn’t say cut off all contact with him but slow way down. See other people.
  • DebLaBounty
    DebLaBounty Posts: 1,169 Member
    I used to be a mediator. Sometimes the parties mediate how to wade through the divorce process amicably, especially when kids are involved. They also negotiate property division and custody arrangements. BUT sometimes they mediate how to solve relationship problems and get back together despite their history of distrust. Although that’s usually done in couples counseling, mediation for those things can occur. I’m not sure which kind they are doing, do you? She’s not with her boyfriend so she’s available to her husband. She wants to move back in with her husband and kids. A guy can claim all he wants that they will be in separate rooms. But even couples with the most dysfunctional relationships can be tempted to try intimacy “just one more time” to see if they can save the relationship.
  • BNY721
    BNY721 Posts: 125 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    I have to agree...you deserve a relationship where the man can fully commit 100% without the fear of his estranged wife moving back into their joint home. Too many variables for me. I wish you the best with whatever you decide. You’re worth it.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    DebLaBounty wrote: »
    I used to be a mediator. Sometimes the parties mediate how to wade through the divorce process amicably, especially when kids are involved. They also negotiate property division and custody arrangements. BUT sometimes they mediate how to solve relationship problems and get back together despite their history of distrust. Although that’s usually done in couples counseling, mediation for those things can occur. I’m not sure which kind they are doing, do you? She’s not with her boyfriend so she’s available to her husband. She wants to move back in with her husband and kids. A guy can claim all he wants that they will be in separate rooms. But even couples with the most dysfunctional relationships can be tempted to try intimacy “just one more time” to see if they can save the relationship.

    This is Definitely the former. They are not going to any type of couples counseling. I appreciate your view point given you’ve worked in this field. It may sound cliche, but I trust him 100%. He hasn’t been “her husband” for a long time. It’s his fault for not filing for divorce sooner, but We’ll see what happens. I also understand things happen, and although I trust him completely I don’t like it.

  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
    BNY721 wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    'Call me when your divorce is final.' I know that sounds harsh, but the reality is this guy has a wagon train full of baggage right now and needs to get that sorted before pursuing another serious relationship.

    I have to agree...you deserve a relationship where the man can fully commit 100% without the fear of his estranged wife moving back into their joint home. Too many variables for me. I wish you the best with whatever you decide. You’re worth it.

    Thank you.
  • MySweetLavinia
    MySweetLavinia Posts: 90 Member
    OP, I was in a situation similar to your boyfriend's once. I was separated from my ex but he was stalling as long as possible on the divorce, making trouble just because he could (he had treated me horribly for years and was angry that I'd finally had enough). He fought everything out of spite. We shared a house for a year of this time for desperate financial reasons. For the year I still lived with the ex, I was never anything but a distant and polite roommate to him. So it's definitely possible for it to be done honestly.

    During that time I also started dating someone else, who I've now been happily married to for ten years.

    Howeverrrr, your bf has kids. I think that reason alone makes what his ex is asking for a bad idea. It will be confusing and crappy for them and just complicate matters more.

    Also, I think this statement is a red flag: "2. He is extremely non-conferential and will do anything to avoid an argument." This is a bad sign. He should be willing to fight for himself and his children's well-being, instead of giving in to a woman he doesn't want to be with. She'll walk all over him during the divorce whether or not he gives in to her now- if the divorce ever gets done.

    He needs to give her a firm NO. I'm not sure where you all live, but here, since she willingly left the house first, he would probably be able prevent her from moving back in. He needs to consult his lawyer asap about this.

    I think you should go with your gut on this. If it makes you truly uncomfortable, tell him it's a dealbreaker. If he's not willing to stand up to her it is probably better to end things, I am sorry to say.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,534 Member
    Let’s talk weight loss.

    Respect yourself. Sometimes I give this advice on here- We only get one life. To the extent you can get it, you should decide for yourself what kind of life you want. Once you decide, you deserve to get it. No other reason is needed. It’s what you decide you want for you. Is what you’re getting now what you really want?

    We don’t really get to decide who we fall in love with. But then we enter into “relationships.” Which is akin to deciding to go into business with someone. You think this is a good deal for you?

    Run away. Separate bedrooms? Give me a break.
  • harasezza
    harasezza Posts: 5 Member
    Sorry you are having to make tough decisions because your partner is being indecisive. I understand that you love him, but if I were in your situation, I would put the relationship on the back burner until he gets his life sorted. That doesn't necessarily mean putting your life on hold for him either.

    At this point, you have only invested 3 months in this relationship. Imagine how much worse you will feel if things don't get resolved in another few months like he has claimed. I hope you will give us an update on how your conversation went with him. Best of luck!
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