I am a failure

You can come and sit next to me @Alatariel75 because I could have written this myself. I joined in 2012, halfway through my journey already. I lost 55 pounds in 52 weeks and kept it off for maybe a year or so. It was great. I adopted a new style. I was able to shop in stores I'd had to avoid before. I liked my shape and was finding a good balance of food and exercise. I was completely off of my depression meds that year.

In 2013 I gained ten pounds. That wasn't so bad. I took them back off that summer.

In 2014 I gained about twenty pounds. I didn't take any of them back off that year. I stopped weighing myself because I didn't want to stress about the number. I stopped being able to afford a big summer event that would usually push me to lose the weight again. Depression crept back in as I let my exercise routine fall apart. I started eating too much ice cream nightly while I told myself that I could moderate it and I could stop anytime I wanted.

I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I know I'm back up to or a bit above my starting weight now. I've been concentrating on finding some clothes that fit for the last year so that I'm not punishing myself daily with ill-fitting clothes. I stopped buying ice cream this year, but I haven't started counting again.

This year that big summer event is back in my budget, so I'm going to lose some of it again. They say you shouldn't lose weight for an event because it's hard to keep it off once the event passes, and I'm living proof of that. I stopped watching my weight when I stopped having a reason in my daily life for it. But I also hope that any reason is a good one if it gets you motivated without putting undue stress on someone.

But I remember how hard it was for me the first time around. Counting calories gets rid of one of my big self-soothing methods for anxiety and depression and I've never found a good one to replace it. I'm going to work on that this year with my therapist. I put a lot of stress on myself to lose it on a schedule that my body couldn't keep. The last time around I had a bought with something like, but not quite, orthorexia. I was crying in my friend's drive-ways before parties. It wasn't good and I don't want to get to that point again.

I know what the obstacles are. I hope I know how to avoid them this year. But it is very hard to start over again. I'm hoping that forgiving myself for reaching this weight will help make the process less stressful.

Some perspective:

My mum is a person who, like many of us, has struggled for decades with her weight. It's been up and down, with a few really remarkable losses that she maintained for a few years before the weight crept back up.

Through out it all, she has eaten mostly home cooked meals, and she has gone for a walk every evening for decades when she has been able.

Perhaps she views her weight yo-yo as a failure, but:

-She has excellent blood sugar and heart health. In fact, she has broken a multi-generation curse in my family where everyone has a heart attack at age 55. She has not had any heart trouble, no cholesterol or blood pressure issues, etc. She is super healthy.
- She has maintained remarkable consistency in her physical activity.
- She has enjoyed her balance with food. She has given up some things which didn't do good things for her body like diet soda.

Sometimes failure versus success is a matter of perspective. I know she doesn't always see it this way, but I certainly do. Because of her consistency, and her continued efforts, I didn't have to rush to a hospital to be with her like she did for her mum when I was a kid.

pogiguy05 wrote: »

My only question is how do some keep off weight
and other do not.

I didn't keep it off because I gave up tracking. At first it was simply because I thought I had a "handle" on it and could "wing it" with no problem. But then I started not wanting to weigh myself to double check. My new clothes still fit so I was OK. The clothes got a little tighter, but I shrugged it off...water weight. I was growing more and more careless. Then other things happened and I became depressed and discouraged over other issues and took to increasing my wine intake while decreasing my activity level to sulk and to give in to my depressive tendencies.

Then I got sick, and then I knew I had to go back up a size to my fat clothes - this time I really did get on the scale and was so upset to see I'd gained more than 30 of the 50 back that I had lost. Did that jar me back to tracking? Not really. My emotional responses to stressers in my life, coupled with my utter disgust at myself, pushed me to continue in my downward spiral until I got right back to where I started out.

What spurred me on this time? Increasing pain while sleeping, increasing foot pain while walking, increasing leg pain...and a stronger more healthy desire (I think) to be healthy. Previously it was to please my husband and maybe make my kids proud of me - but this time, I just don't care what they think. This has to be for me, and I do not want to spend the next phase of my life in pain, riding a scooter in Walmart because I'm too heavy to walk very far...and possibly die younger than I would have if I were a healthy weight.

This time I know that I know that I know I can't take a significant amount of time off from tracking and logging my food. Maybe for a special occasion day, or at most a vacation of 10 days to 2 weeks - maybe - but no giving it up all together, and no skipping the scale because I want to play ostrich.

My kids are almost 23, 19, and 18. And they've never seen me anything but obese, and at best, extremely overweight. I wasted the best years I could have spent with them, wallowing in pity and fat.

Hi. I'm also someone who has gained and lost a significant amount of weight several times and am starting again. When I get down on myself, I try and think of the Thomas Edison quote, "I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Just know that this entire community is cheering you on.