trying to gain but my body and mind hate food

Hi there,

I will start off by introducing myself. I am a 5'0 female, senior in college studying biology, 85 pounds. This is the weight I was at all through high school when I was fairly healthy and lightly active, I have a naturally small stature as do both of my parents. My eating at that time I feel was relatively normal, though I was also living under my parents roof at the time and not having to pay for any food.

Fast forward to my freshman year of college at 18 years old, I move away from home and get up to about 98 pounds while working at an asian restaurant full time that fed employees both a large lunch and dinner free of charge. Basically as soon as I left that job a year later my weight started to decline back to it's original state.. Once I realized I was back to my high school weight, I started to eat meat again thinking it would help with weight gain. This was back in 2015 and up to today I haven't gained a single pound.

I have developed over the past year and a half/two years such an extreme aversion to food that even the thought of chewing a piece of bread makes me sick to my stomach. This is almost a 24/7 occurrence, it is very rare that I am able to bite into something and not feel disgusted. At the same time, I look at my body in the mirror and feel so disgusted and ashamed at how skinny I am, yet the feeling of nausea always overpowers my will to eat anything. Thankfully using the myfitnesspal app I have been able to feel more motivated to force feed myself throughout the day to hopefully reach at least 1800 calories even though I know I should be consuming at least 2000.

However there are many days that I am so consumed in school work and my own aversion to food that I consume probably less than 700 calories in a day. Then I get SO depressed about this that I feel even more sick and definitely can't eat. I know I am in a self destructive cycle and I don't know how to get out of it.

I have seen a few different doctors, nutritionists, had blood tests and allergy tests done, and nobody can tell me what's wrong other than that I have a psychological issue I need to overcome. I stopped taking the birth control pill a few months back and for about a month straight I felt my appetite return and my depression go away but eventually all the normal feelings came back. I have tried antidepressants and did not like the way they made me feel, and they did not help with the appetite loss itself.

The best I am able to do is liquids, such as smoothies and milkshakes with protein, nuts, fruit, yogurt, kefir or almond milk. Sometimes even this is hard though.

I am sorry if this post seems a jumbled mess, I am just distressed and afraid and desperately seeking advice from anyone else who may have experienced this. both of my current doctors have told me that they're not that worried because physically I look okay and not really underweight, even my family tells me I am stressing too hard and that I look okay but I have never felt so horrible about my own body.