unsupportive spouse
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noah49822
Posts: 61 Member
My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.
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Replies
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Her feelings are hers to own. Nothing you can do about it.
It's common for men to be able to lose more weight faster.
She's falling into the comparison trap. Comparison is the thief of joy. Instead of focusing on her success and her weight lost, she's jealous of yours. Sounds unhealthy.
Just stay in your lane and do your thing and don't buy into her pouting.13 -
Comparison is the thief of joy... you can't do much till your wife realises that though...6
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My wife isn’t very supportive and often questions everything I do. When I began all she did was roll her eyes because she felt what I was doing was extreme. It wasn’t, but to her, changing my eating habits, working out 4-5 times a week, was extreme.
I don’t care what she thinks or how she feels about it. My body. My health. My piece of mind. Don’t look for support. You’ll just be disappointed. You do you and make no apologies for living a healthier lifestyle. Just don’t push your choices on her or put it in her face.7 -
My wife has been supportive of my weight loss, but her idea of how was driving me nuts (she believes whatever FB shows her) so I got mad one day and just said I'm doing this for me and doing it my way.
Not recommending that as it wasn't the best way to respond. So before it gets to that point, have a calm conversation about it. And let her know you love her regardless of if she loses weight or not, but that you'd love it if she stayed healthy.
In my case, my wife doesn't need to lose weight so there isn't the "jealousy" issue in play.6 -
Isn't it, though, Tavistock Toad?
Just encourage her and tell her she's doing a great job. That it's not a comparison, and that you're so proud of her. Pay attention to the things you love about her, and make her feel desired. Remind her that you're her partner, support her long-term happiness in whatever shape that comes in (no pun intended), and that you're available if she ever needs counsel --but don't press the issue.2 -
Different people have different levels of what is harder. It could be that what looks and feels like less effort to you, feels much harder to her, and that what you are accomplishing makes it look easier than it really is.
From her point of view it might seem that you are being more judgemental than you realize, and she feels like crap because she isn't and can't be as "good"as you. Often when you feel like you are always going to be behind, and when it feels like you can't actually win, especially when you did try your hardest, but everyone else is so much better than you, you stop fighting. Why waste all your effort only to not succeed?t
Don't stop doing your best, and accomplishing whats best for your health and goals. But instead of letting her make you feel bad about your accomplishments, it might work better to start boosting her self esteem a bit. Let her know when you notice her making an effort (even if it's a very small effort) and tell her how proud you are to see her success, and that you know this is harder for her than it is for you. Remember to notice (out loud) even small improvenents and mention them often. On the other side of the coin, ignore when she doesn't work put or eat as "clean" as she could, don"tvpount put that uou have been tp the gym every day this week, while she hasn't managed to get there at all. Make it easier to succeed, and don't judge her when she doesn't. Maybe once she starts feeling a little more secure about her accomplishments she will start being a little less insecure about yours.10 -
^ Very well said, M.1
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focus on leading a healthy lifestyle together, rather than the weight loss. Remember that things that work for you may not work for her - you might love a long run but she might need structured, supportive 'boot camp/crossfit' class. You might be able to go a morning on a bowl of cereal but she needs lean protein to start her day. Find some things you can do together that gets your heart rate up.1
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Try your best to ignore the pouting and include your spouse in being healthier without pushing the idea of weight loss and fitness. This could be things like going to restaurants with healthier foods, cooking more at home together, etc. I’m going through something similar and I think it can be super complex. It sounds like she may recognize that she’s not putting in the same amount of effort and that’s why she’s not losing. Just include her in your plans (meal planning , gym, etc), and you do you.2
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cmriverside wrote: »Her feelings are hers to own. Nothing you can do about it.
It's common for men to be able to lose more weight faster.
She's falling into the comparison trap. Comparison is the thief of joy. Instead of focusing on her success and her weight lost, she's jealous of yours. Sounds unhealthy.
Just stay in your lane and do your thing and don't buy into her pouting.
This is very true and she must realize that men's body are designed differently and while men can readily get to low body fat sub 10% women's body are just made to store fat for making/feeding babies not trying to be sexist or anything just is biology while they certainly can get low body fat it is much more of a challenge plus men can build muscle easier because of testosterone.1 -
My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.
How fast is your weight loss compared to hers?
Are you starting out with the same amount to lose?
Does she have something like MFP to discuss weight loss and look to for examples of how to go about it or are you it in her life?
Encourage your wife to make weight loss buddies with women her size with similar goals and stop comparing to you. Encourage her to compare only to herself and not always focus on the scale number as a measure of progress. Celebrate non scale victories.
Don't tell her that you are losing faster because you are putting in more effort. Maybe you are but don't say it. Tell her you want her to be happy and healthy. Let her know that a slower rate of loss is actually recommended by many and really good progress
What you are doing may be the wrong approach for her even if it works great for you. Encourage her to figure out her own diet plan or just smaller changes that are more sustainable for her.
Stop talking about weight with her and just do your thing.
If you have been losing pretty fast maybe you could slow your rate of loss at this point.
I think you both need to look for support from different people.
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So in context she needs to lost 80lbs I want to lose a total of 40lbs, I have lost 20lbs and she might have lost 5lbs. But she constantly is negative and won't put in any extra work.0
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My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.
How fast is your weight loss compared to hers?
Are you starting out with the same amount to lose?
Does she have something like MFP to discuss weight loss and look to for examples of how to go about it or are you it in her life?
Encourage your wife to make weight loss buddies with women her size with similar goals and stop comparing to you. Encourage her to compare only to herself and not always focus on the scale number as a measure of progress. Celebrate non scale victories.
Don't tell her that you are losing faster because you are putting in more effort. Maybe you are but don't say it. Tell her you want her to be happy and healthy. Let her know that a slower rate of loss is actually recommended by many and really good progress
What you are doing may be the wrong approach for her even if it works great for you. Encourage her to figure out her own diet plan or just smaller changes that are more sustainable for her.
Stop talking about weight with her and just do your thing.
If you have been losing pretty fast maybe you could slow your rate of loss at this point.
I think you both need to look for support from different people.
That is exactly what happens I start to slow my weight loss so she sees me eating more and still losing weight. Then I just end up not loseing weight so she does not feel bad. But not this time I am going to hit my goal regardless!1 -
I have the opposite (my spouse is a male) and I'm more determined and focused than he is. He's lost about 10 and I've lost 45. He has less than me to lose but gives up easily if he doesn't see results immediately. You just have to stay focused on you and be honest with them that it's going to take time and perseverance if they really want to change things. You're trying to improve your health and she can choose to either be supportive or be quiet. I'm brutally honest with my spouse in that regard. It will either click or it won't.0
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My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.
How fast is your weight loss compared to hers?
Are you starting out with the same amount to lose?
Does she have something like MFP to discuss weight loss and look to for examples of how to go about it or are you it in her life?
Encourage your wife to make weight loss buddies with women her size with similar goals and stop comparing to you. Encourage her to compare only to herself and not always focus on the scale number as a measure of progress. Celebrate non scale victories.
Don't tell her that you are losing faster because you are putting in more effort. Maybe you are but don't say it. Tell her you want her to be happy and healthy. Let her know that a slower rate of loss is actually recommended by many and really good progress
What you are doing may be the wrong approach for her even if it works great for you. Encourage her to figure out her own diet plan or just smaller changes that are more sustainable for her.
Stop talking about weight with her and just do your thing.
If you have been losing pretty fast maybe you could slow your rate of loss at this point.
I think you both need to look for support from different people.
That is exactly what happens I start to slow my weight loss so she sees me eating more and still losing weight. Then I just end up not loseing weight so she does not feel bad. But not this time I am going to hit my goal regardless!
Then definitely just keep doing what you're doing for yourself, be proud of what you are accomplishing for your own health and goals. It's good to be proud of your success!
Just start ignoring her less successfull behaviors and non-successes and overpraise the small stuff, until she is comfortable enough to do more on her own. I assume, no matter what, you two really care for each other, so make sure you are reminding her of that as much as possible.
The good news with that, is usually once you start paying more attention to positive affirmations and praise, the happier the other person becomes, and the more they become strong enough to do the same for you.0 -
My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.
How fast is your weight loss compared to hers?
Are you starting out with the same amount to lose?
Does she have something like MFP to discuss weight loss and look to for examples of how to go about it or are you it in her life?
Encourage your wife to make weight loss buddies with women her size with similar goals and stop comparing to you. Encourage her to compare only to herself and not always focus on the scale number as a measure of progress. Celebrate non scale victories.
Don't tell her that you are losing faster because you are putting in more effort. Maybe you are but don't say it. Tell her you want her to be happy and healthy. Let her know that a slower rate of loss is actually recommended by many and really good progress
What you are doing may be the wrong approach for her even if it works great for you. Encourage her to figure out her own diet plan or just smaller changes that are more sustainable for her.
Stop talking about weight with her and just do your thing.
If you have been losing pretty fast maybe you could slow your rate of loss at this point.
I think you both need to look for support from different people.
That is exactly what happens I start to slow my weight loss so she sees me eating more and still losing weight. Then I just end up not loseing weight so she does not feel bad. But not this time I am going to hit my goal regardless!
You don't say if you lost 20 lbs in 5 months or 2 months.
I didn't mean to stop losing at a good rate. With 20 lbs to go .5 lb to 1 lb a week is the generally recommended rate around here. Lose however you want.
With 80 lbs to go what she needs most is a sustainable plan for her not the fastest weight drop plan. That might mean smaller losses. It is up to her to be ready and put in the work but maybe she is making it harder than it needs to be. A lot of people do.0 -
Maybe your wife is having the same issues as I did when I tried numerous times to try to lose weight. I weighed 166 lbs. and would drop to 160 lb. then couldn't seem to lose any more so I would give up. Finally I was determined to lose weight after I lost 5 lbs. before I went on a trip overseas, then another 4 lbs. during my vacation. Thinking back, I didn't have the mindset and determination to "really" lose the weight. You HAVE to want to lose it and maybe, deep down she just doesn't have the willpower/determination needed to make that commitment. Whatever you do, don't stop because your wife quits. I'm very fortunate my spouse has been very supportive and he's overweight himself. Not once has he ever been jealous.0
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