unsupportive spouse

noah49822
noah49822 Posts: 61 Member
edited November 25 in Motivation and Support
My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.

Replies

  • goatg
    goatg Posts: 1,399 Member
    Isn't it, though, Tavistock Toad?


    Just encourage her and tell her she's doing a great job. That it's not a comparison, and that you're so proud of her. Pay attention to the things you love about her, and make her feel desired. Remind her that you're her partner, support her long-term happiness in whatever shape that comes in (no pun intended), and that you're available if she ever needs counsel --but don't press the issue.
  • goatg
    goatg Posts: 1,399 Member
    ^ Very well said, M.
  • thelettermegan
    thelettermegan Posts: 49 Member
    focus on leading a healthy lifestyle together, rather than the weight loss. Remember that things that work for you may not work for her - you might love a long run but she might need structured, supportive 'boot camp/crossfit' class. You might be able to go a morning on a bowl of cereal but she needs lean protein to start her day. Find some things you can do together that gets your heart rate up.
  • sportychic87
    sportychic87 Posts: 214 Member
    edited February 2018
    Try your best to ignore the pouting and include your spouse in being healthier without pushing the idea of weight loss and fitness. This could be things like going to restaurants with healthier foods, cooking more at home together, etc. I’m going through something similar and I think it can be super complex. It sounds like she may recognize that she’s not putting in the same amount of effort and that’s why she’s not losing. Just include her in your plans (meal planning , gym, etc), and you do you.
  • sschauer513
    sschauer513 Posts: 313 Member
    Her feelings are hers to own. Nothing you can do about it.

    It's common for men to be able to lose more weight faster.

    She's falling into the comparison trap. Comparison is the thief of joy. Instead of focusing on her success and her weight lost, she's jealous of yours. Sounds unhealthy.

    Just stay in your lane and do your thing and don't buy into her pouting.

    This is very true and she must realize that men's body are designed differently and while men can readily get to low body fat sub 10% women's body are just made to store fat for making/feeding babies not trying to be sexist or anything just is biology while they certainly can get low body fat it is much more of a challenge plus men can build muscle easier because of testosterone.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    noah49822 wrote: »
    My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.

    How fast is your weight loss compared to hers?
    Are you starting out with the same amount to lose?
    Does she have something like MFP to discuss weight loss and look to for examples of how to go about it or are you it in her life?

    Encourage your wife to make weight loss buddies with women her size with similar goals and stop comparing to you. Encourage her to compare only to herself and not always focus on the scale number as a measure of progress. Celebrate non scale victories.
    Don't tell her that you are losing faster because you are putting in more effort. Maybe you are but don't say it. Tell her you want her to be happy and healthy. Let her know that a slower rate of loss is actually recommended by many and really good progress
    What you are doing may be the wrong approach for her even if it works great for you. Encourage her to figure out her own diet plan or just smaller changes that are more sustainable for her.
    Stop talking about weight with her and just do your thing.

    If you have been losing pretty fast maybe you could slow your rate of loss at this point.

    I think you both need to look for support from different people.
  • noah49822
    noah49822 Posts: 61 Member
    So in context she needs to lost 80lbs I want to lose a total of 40lbs, I have lost 20lbs and she might have lost 5lbs. But she constantly is negative and won't put in any extra work.
  • noah49822
    noah49822 Posts: 61 Member
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    noah49822 wrote: »
    My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.

    How fast is your weight loss compared to hers?
    Are you starting out with the same amount to lose?
    Does she have something like MFP to discuss weight loss and look to for examples of how to go about it or are you it in her life?

    Encourage your wife to make weight loss buddies with women her size with similar goals and stop comparing to you. Encourage her to compare only to herself and not always focus on the scale number as a measure of progress. Celebrate non scale victories.
    Don't tell her that you are losing faster because you are putting in more effort. Maybe you are but don't say it. Tell her you want her to be happy and healthy. Let her know that a slower rate of loss is actually recommended by many and really good progress
    What you are doing may be the wrong approach for her even if it works great for you. Encourage her to figure out her own diet plan or just smaller changes that are more sustainable for her.
    Stop talking about weight with her and just do your thing.

    If you have been losing pretty fast maybe you could slow your rate of loss at this point.

    I think you both need to look for support from different people.

    That is exactly what happens I start to slow my weight loss so she sees me eating more and still losing weight. Then I just end up not loseing weight so she does not feel bad. But not this time I am going to hit my goal regardless!
  • DomesticKat
    DomesticKat Posts: 565 Member
    I have the opposite (my spouse is a male) and I'm more determined and focused than he is. He's lost about 10 and I've lost 45. He has less than me to lose but gives up easily if he doesn't see results immediately. You just have to stay focused on you and be honest with them that it's going to take time and perseverance if they really want to change things. You're trying to improve your health and she can choose to either be supportive or be quiet. I'm brutally honest with my spouse in that regard. It will either click or it won't.
  • Momepro
    Momepro Posts: 1,509 Member
    noah49822 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    noah49822 wrote: »
    My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.

    How fast is your weight loss compared to hers?
    Are you starting out with the same amount to lose?
    Does she have something like MFP to discuss weight loss and look to for examples of how to go about it or are you it in her life?

    Encourage your wife to make weight loss buddies with women her size with similar goals and stop comparing to you. Encourage her to compare only to herself and not always focus on the scale number as a measure of progress. Celebrate non scale victories.
    Don't tell her that you are losing faster because you are putting in more effort. Maybe you are but don't say it. Tell her you want her to be happy and healthy. Let her know that a slower rate of loss is actually recommended by many and really good progress
    What you are doing may be the wrong approach for her even if it works great for you. Encourage her to figure out her own diet plan or just smaller changes that are more sustainable for her.
    Stop talking about weight with her and just do your thing.

    If you have been losing pretty fast maybe you could slow your rate of loss at this point.

    I think you both need to look for support from different people.

    That is exactly what happens I start to slow my weight loss so she sees me eating more and still losing weight. Then I just end up not loseing weight so she does not feel bad. But not this time I am going to hit my goal regardless!

    Then definitely just keep doing what you're doing for yourself, be proud of what you are accomplishing for your own health and goals. It's good to be proud of your success!
    Just start ignoring her less successfull behaviors and non-successes and overpraise the small stuff, until she is comfortable enough to do more on her own. I assume, no matter what, you two really care for each other, so make sure you are reminding her of that as much as possible.
    The good news with that, is usually once you start paying more attention to positive affirmations and praise, the happier the other person becomes, and the more they become strong enough to do the same for you.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    noah49822 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    noah49822 wrote: »
    My wife and I are trying to lose weight. I have lost weight so much faster, but I am putting in much more effort. When she does not see the same results she "quits" I feel like crap following a diet and still losing weight because this just makes her more bitter.

    How fast is your weight loss compared to hers?
    Are you starting out with the same amount to lose?
    Does she have something like MFP to discuss weight loss and look to for examples of how to go about it or are you it in her life?

    Encourage your wife to make weight loss buddies with women her size with similar goals and stop comparing to you. Encourage her to compare only to herself and not always focus on the scale number as a measure of progress. Celebrate non scale victories.
    Don't tell her that you are losing faster because you are putting in more effort. Maybe you are but don't say it. Tell her you want her to be happy and healthy. Let her know that a slower rate of loss is actually recommended by many and really good progress
    What you are doing may be the wrong approach for her even if it works great for you. Encourage her to figure out her own diet plan or just smaller changes that are more sustainable for her.
    Stop talking about weight with her and just do your thing.

    If you have been losing pretty fast maybe you could slow your rate of loss at this point.

    I think you both need to look for support from different people.

    That is exactly what happens I start to slow my weight loss so she sees me eating more and still losing weight. Then I just end up not loseing weight so she does not feel bad. But not this time I am going to hit my goal regardless!


    You don't say if you lost 20 lbs in 5 months or 2 months.
    I didn't mean to stop losing at a good rate. With 20 lbs to go .5 lb to 1 lb a week is the generally recommended rate around here. Lose however you want.

    With 80 lbs to go what she needs most is a sustainable plan for her not the fastest weight drop plan. That might mean smaller losses. It is up to her to be ready and put in the work but maybe she is making it harder than it needs to be. A lot of people do.
  • PowerliftingMom
    PowerliftingMom Posts: 430 Member
    Maybe your wife is having the same issues as I did when I tried numerous times to try to lose weight. I weighed 166 lbs. and would drop to 160 lb. then couldn't seem to lose any more so I would give up. Finally I was determined to lose weight after I lost 5 lbs. before I went on a trip overseas, then another 4 lbs. during my vacation. Thinking back, I didn't have the mindset and determination to "really" lose the weight. You HAVE to want to lose it and maybe, deep down she just doesn't have the willpower/determination needed to make that commitment. Whatever you do, don't stop because your wife quits. I'm very fortunate my spouse has been very supportive and he's overweight himself. Not once has he ever been jealous.
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