Will someone critique my writing?

Any one? You don't have to be an expert

leut_underpants wrote: »

leslienicole318 wrote: »

ladychris29 wrote: »

Why the snarkiness if you want help? He's a writer as am I. If you want free assistance, don't be rude about it.

Why would he correct the grammar of my comment? I asked for critique on the short story I wrote

Perhaps because clicking unknown document links is bad practice that leads to contracting viruses. I don't need that kind of award. :flowerforyou:

Then couldn't you have said that? Then I would have understood why it isn't being read. Bit rude

leut_underpants wrote: »

leslienicole318 wrote: »

SabotageinStilettos wrote: »

It would appear that no one on a fitness forum wants to read your story. Have you tried reddit or perhaps a writers forum?

I've posted to several different forums. I want critiques from all types of people, so I posted my story in the chit chat forum of this site

So it's spam. Very well, I'll mark it accordingly.

How does that make it spam? I can copy and paste it in text here if that makes it easier. Why are you all being so rude?

For everyone saying it is spam. The story is loosely based off a friend's childhood, so I'd like critique as to how I can make the story seem more real, more emotional, since I didn't experience it myself.
I am 5 years old, and today the cops are at the door. They say my daddy has died. Ms. Donna is sad. The cops take us away to mommy’s house. It is always dark at mommy and Mark’s house. We eat powdered donuts for dinner as mommy and Mark get dressed to go out. They go sing karaoke. The babysitter comes to watch us. We go to bed late in our sleeping bags on the floor. It is cold. I think daddy shot himself in the head because Ms. Donna is so mean and that made him sad. Will they bring the bike I got for Christmas to mommy’s house?
I am 7 years old, and today it is really hot outside! Mark locked us outside so we have to drink from the water hose and pee in the woods. I just wish we could go inside for some ramen noodles. Mommy is inside, she is laying down because she hurts without her medicine. She never comes outside, anyway. Well, she came outside one time. It was about to storm and she brought a towel outside for my 2 year old half brother, Dakota. Mommy wanted him to get out of the pool and come inside before the storm. She did not bring one for us. We had to dry off on the trampoline. It took a long time because it started raining.
I am 8 years old, and today we are packing up to move! It’s very exciting. We are moving all the way down Texas, to the ocean! Mr. Paul is here to help us. There is a knock on the door and mommy answers it. It is a black lady, she says she is from “sea pee ess”, whatever that is. Mommy and Mark are arguing with her. She looks past their shoulders into the house, and she looks really mad! She walks away to make a phone call and all the adults follow her outside. I look around the house, wondering why she would be so mad. There are dirty dishes in the sink and trash is all over the place. Maybe it is a little stinky, but that is none of her beeswax! The lady comes inside and I can see a van pull up behind her car. Mommy says we have to get dressed and go with her. We all start crying. I am wearing my scratchy pajamas, so I have to go dig some clothes out of my packed up trashbags before I can leave. I take my stuffed uniorn with me into the van, where a white lady waits for us. My brothers are all beside me. They are still crying, but I’m okay because I have my unicorn. The lady asks us what music we like, but we don’t answer her. We drive to a big buiding with lots of floors. We get to go inside and pick out a toy! They give us a bag, too. It has a toothbrush and toothpaste and little soaps and a blanket and a stuffed animal. I really like this place. They lady tells us we are going to stay at Mimi’s house! Yay!
We get to stay at Mimi’s house for two nights. We have a lot of fun. Then we go home to mommy and Mark. They have to go to court in a few days, so we can’t go to the ocean yet. When they go to court, we go with them and they ask us a lot of questions. We tell them we are happy, but I think I might be a little sad. They ask me if Mark has ever touched me anywhere. I tell them no. Will I go to hell for lying? When court is over, mommy says we get to stay with her. Mark says it was my dad’s family that called the lady on us. He says they are evil. I didn’t know that.
I am 10 years old, and today we have to walk to H-E-B for our supper. Mark’s bronco got repossessed, so we don’t have transportation anymore. Mom and Mark are having withdrawals again, so Mark won’t be walking with us. When mom and Mark go through withdrawals, they have to find a new doctor to give them their percocet and hydrocodone. My brother, Tiger, says it will take us 40 minutes to get to the store and even more to get back! Jason and Dakota don’t come with us because they are only 6 and 9. When we get to the store, we each get a tv dinner. That’s all we ever have for dinner. I pick a pot pie. The we get cosmic brownies for breakfast. There is not enough money to get ramen noodles or bologna for lunch. I wish I could buy another school shirt from the clothes department. I only have one and everyone makes fun of me for it. Devin complains the whole way home. He takes some bags from me and skateboards down the sidewalk really fast. When I am 12, I hope I can skate that fast!
I am 13 years old, and today I am in a Theatre production. We tell a story using dances to five songs. I’m in the 8th grade and pretty popular now. No one makes fun of me for smelling like smoke or dog poop anymore because I get ready at Sterling’s house in the morning. Her house is clean and her mom cooks dinner every night. Her mom even has a job! My house is nasty and smells and neither of my parents work. My friends lend me their clothes to wear. I am a little smaller than them, underweight, but they still look okay. Pretty Aeropostale shirts and American Eagle jeans. We have been practicing for our show all afternoon. I am very excited! I can see parents filing into auditorium. No one is coming to watch me and I will have to walk home afterwards, but I am still happy to be in the show.
I am 14 years old, and today, I tried out of for and made my high school’s dance team! It costs $1500 dollars but they said they would let my mom pay just a little bit each month on it! I run home, excitedly, and tell my mom all about it. She tells me that if they paid for it, they would not be able to pay for their medicine. Shouldn’t the $3500 in survivor benefits be enough for both?
I am 15 years old, and today is Christmas Eve. We left Mark in September, so we should feel happier, away from his tyranny; we don’t. Mom is going through withdrawals. None of the doctors in South Texas will prescribe her narcotics anymore. She is throwing up and seizing. Mamo and Papo sent us $1000 for Christmas, for leaving Mark. I have to use that to buy Christmas for the boys and myself. I walk the 2 miles to the mall, then to Cavender’s, then to Walmart. I end at H-E-B, where I buy groceries with the $300 left. The first time we have had groceries since I was 8 years old. I do not buy myself any gifts. I spend the last of the money on a taxi home. I think I have walked about 12 miles today. I have to go babysit until midnight tonight, so I will have to wrap the gifts when I get home. I think the boys will love their presents. I hope they have a good Christmas.
I am 17 years old, and today I found out my mom has spent all of the rent money on illegal narcotics. I gather all of the babysitting money I have (not much, since I give it all to mom anyway) and call Devin to gather what he has. I do not want to be evicted again. We were evicted from our apartment in Texas, now we live in Louisiana again. This situation is not new to me. It happens all the time. Mom regularly spends all of our money on her medicine. Sometimes, when she does not have enough money for the ones of the streets, she’ll make Dakota go to the emergency room and say he twisted his ankle so he will get a prescription for hydrocodone. I feel sick when she does that.
I am 19 years old, and today I am happy. I left high school and started working. I made a near perfect score on my GED test. I worked for a year and finally saved the money for my driver’s license and an old SUV. Now I work full time and maintain good grades at my community college. I want to be a doctor and a foster parent. One day, I will be free of my past.

TavistockToad wrote: »

Why are the only descriptive words you use for people 'white' and 'black'?

I thought since it's from a child's point of view (a child raised in Louisiana and Texas) it would be a bit simpler, not so descriptive. Are you saying to take those words out or add more to it?

LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »

That story made me sad. It's sad to think kids live like that
I quite liked the childlike quality of it, I could hear a childs voice telling the story as I read it.
It seemed to move/jump very quickly from age to age but maybe your story had to be kept short.

Thanks for sharing

Ruth

I was looking for it to be shorter since the school's paper is for short stories only, but I do feel like it jumps around. I think I may add shorter paragraphs for a few between ages though. Thank you!