Will someone critique my writing?

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  • LivingtheLeanDream
    LivingtheLeanDream Posts: 13,342 Member
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    That story made me sad. It's sad to think kids live like that :/
    I quite liked the childlike quality of it, I could hear a childs voice telling the story as I read it.
    It seemed to move/jump very quickly from age to age but maybe your story had to be kept short.

    Thanks for sharing

    Ruth
  • nrtauthor
    nrtauthor Posts: 159 Member
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    Anyway! Good luck! And good for you. It's hard to share your work with the world. :) Keep working at it.
  • leslienicole318
    leslienicole318 Posts: 86 Member
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    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Why are the only descriptive words you use for people 'white' and 'black'?

    I thought since it's from a child's point of view (a child raised in Louisiana and Texas) it would be a bit simpler, not so descriptive. Are you saying to take those words out or add more to it?
  • leslienicole318
    leslienicole318 Posts: 86 Member
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    lavinia_whateley_goals wrote: »
    have you considered changing the setting to a dystopian future world

    Not really lol, why do you think that? What would I add in there to make it dystopian?
  • leslienicole318
    leslienicole318 Posts: 86 Member
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    LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »
    That story made me sad. It's sad to think kids live like that :/
    I quite liked the childlike quality of it, I could hear a childs voice telling the story as I read it.
    It seemed to move/jump very quickly from age to age but maybe your story had to be kept short.

    Thanks for sharing

    Ruth

    I was looking for it to be shorter since the school's paper is for short stories only, but I do feel like it jumps around. I think I may add shorter paragraphs for a few between ages though. Thank you!
  • leslienicole318
    leslienicole318 Posts: 86 Member
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    nrtauthor wrote: »
    Are you familiar with the terms show not tell?

    I think there's a story here but I feel like perhaps it's just talking at me as opposed to drawing me in. I realize it's a short story and I'm not good at the short story thing at ALL but I feel like you could interject some showing instead of telling.

    For example (and the writing isn't great because its on the fly but yeah):

    A loud banging at the door frightens me. I hide beneath the table as the men in blue speak to Ms. Donna. They watch as she walks to me and crouches down. Her eyes well with fat tears. She grasps my hands.

    "Your mama is gone, baby, she's gone," she sobs.

    I don't know what that means.

    I'm only 5.

    I guess I was going for more how I was at that age. I was very logical and aware of my surroundings and I wanted it to feel like a child saying their thoughts out loud to a person, kind of. Reading it back, it does sound more robotic, not so story telling. I just really want to capture the innocent and simple, yet understanding and aware, thoughts of a younger child. Any suggestions to keeping to the same style (no dialogue, pretty much just thoughts) but adding more showing instead of telling to it?
  • nrtauthor
    nrtauthor Posts: 159 Member
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    leslienicole318 wrote: »
    nrtauthor wrote: »
    Are you familiar with the terms show not tell?

    I think there's a story here but I feel like perhaps it's just talking at me as opposed to drawing me in. I realize it's a short story and I'm not good at the short story thing at ALL but I feel like you could interject some showing instead of telling.

    For example (and the writing isn't great because its on the fly but yeah):

    A loud banging at the door frightens me. I hide beneath the table as the men in blue speak to Ms. Donna. They watch as she walks to me and crouches down. Her eyes well with fat tears. She grasps my hands.

    "Your mama is gone, baby, she's gone," she sobs.

    I don't know what that means.

    I'm only 5.

    I guess I was going for more how I was at that age. I was very logical and aware of my surroundings and I wanted it to feel like a child saying their thoughts out loud to a person, kind of. Reading it back, it does sound more robotic, not so story telling. I just really want to capture the innocent and simple, yet understanding and aware, thoughts of a younger child. Any suggestions to keeping to the same style (no dialogue, pretty much just thoughts) but adding more showing instead of telling to it?

    I'm a bit at a loss for that one but I think if you play around you'll figure it out. Just try to step back, read it aloud and try to look at it as a reader would. :)
  • tirowow12385
    tirowow12385 Posts: 698 Member
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    So much feels.. nice story.

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