Help with rude behavior in the family?
The problem is mainly between my wife and my mother.
For some background, my wife is a registered nurse and with crazy shifts (including weekends and nights) she's basically always in her scrubs and clogs. Something people don't always understand about being a RN though is that the lack of freetime combined with cafeterias full of junk food can make it hard to stay fit.
My mother has no filter when it comes to this aspect of her life. My wife is aware that she has put on weight. She complains about transitioning from medium scrubs to xxl whenever we discuss health and fitness. We also do our best to be active when time permits.
But that doesn't keep my mother from saying things like "I could never wear elastic pants, I'd eventually end up getting stuck in doorways." I normally try to tell my wife that those nasty comments are her way of showing concern.
Anyway, they might not ever talk again after Saturday. We were cleaning the apartment and my wife was cleaning the fridge in the kitchen. She was sitting in a chair in front of it, and my mother walked in as she reached in to wipe the back wall.
"Oh hey, ****, having lunch?"
She got up walked out the door and later admitted to me that she had gone to the hospital early and ate in the cafeteria for 2 hours before her shift.
I'd like to say their relationship can be mended, but she is still fuming over this and rightly so. I agree, it was crossing the line more so than usual even. Any ideas for handling this sort of thing?
For some background, my wife is a registered nurse and with crazy shifts (including weekends and nights) she's basically always in her scrubs and clogs. Something people don't always understand about being a RN though is that the lack of freetime combined with cafeterias full of junk food can make it hard to stay fit.
My mother has no filter when it comes to this aspect of her life. My wife is aware that she has put on weight. She complains about transitioning from medium scrubs to xxl whenever we discuss health and fitness. We also do our best to be active when time permits.
But that doesn't keep my mother from saying things like "I could never wear elastic pants, I'd eventually end up getting stuck in doorways." I normally try to tell my wife that those nasty comments are her way of showing concern.
Anyway, they might not ever talk again after Saturday. We were cleaning the apartment and my wife was cleaning the fridge in the kitchen. She was sitting in a chair in front of it, and my mother walked in as she reached in to wipe the back wall.
"Oh hey, ****, having lunch?"
She got up walked out the door and later admitted to me that she had gone to the hospital early and ate in the cafeteria for 2 hours before her shift.
I'd like to say their relationship can be mended, but she is still fuming over this and rightly so. I agree, it was crossing the line more so than usual even. Any ideas for handling this sort of thing?
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Replies
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Tell your mother she needs to apologise?5
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This is sad...
you need to talk with your mother and tell her to keep her nasty remarks to herself... this is affecting your wife bad and I’m sure it’s been happening for awhile. Woman are self conscious sensitive creatures naturally and for her husbands mom to pretty much tell her to loose weight is a stress she doesn’t need..2 -
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Respectfully, tell your mom to keep her fat jokes to herself. That is your wife and I assume your home. If she can't respect that, then she should leave.4
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Get your mama's mouthiness towards your wife under control. If your wife isn't going to say something out of respect for you (because it's your mama), then you need to handle it out of respect for your wife, and frankly, your wife should not have to say anything - it's your mama, you handle it. Wife comes before mama. Otherwise, mama is all you'll have left.6
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I would have told your mother from comment number one that if she couldn't say anything nice, she doesn't need to say anything at all. The fact she has made several comments and feels comfortable enough to verbally abuse your wife like that, an intervention should have happened a long time ago. Don't tell your wife it is out of concern for her. Tell your mother to keep it to herself or don't come over. I feel so awful for you wife to not have support.9
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You need to tell your mother to STFU. There is no such thing as being mean to someone as a way to "show concern". You need to choose, your wife or your mother.6
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This post actually made me mad reading it
Come on man!0 -
spanish_liza wrote: »This post actually made me mad reading it
Come on man!
You should read the other one he started this morning and never came back to.0 -
iWishMyNameWasRebel wrote: »Get your mama's mouthiness towards your wife under control. If your wife isn't going to say something out of respect for you (because it's your mama), then you need to handle it out of respect for your wife, and frankly, your wife should not have to say anything - it's your mama, you handle it. Wife comes before mama. Otherwise, mama is all you'll have left.
I love this response. This, all day long.
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Just_J_Now wrote: »spanish_liza wrote: »This post actually made me mad reading it
Come on man!
You should read the other one he started this morning and never came back to.
Just seen it .... I think he’s trolling
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Criticizing people in order to help them change is not an effort to "show concern", its mean. Don't make excuses for your mother's poor and disrespectful behavior toward your wife. You need to put her in check, then do everything you can to make it up to your wife for not throwing your mother out the house sooner.1
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spanish_liza wrote: »Just_J_Now wrote: »spanish_liza wrote: »This post actually made me mad reading it
Come on man!
You should read the other one he started this morning and never came back to.
Just seen it .... I think he’s trolling
Yup it appears that way.1 -
Just_J_Now wrote: »spanish_liza wrote: »This post actually made me mad reading it
Come on man!
You should read the other one he started this morning and never came back to.
Link please0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »Just_J_Now wrote: »spanish_liza wrote: »This post actually made me mad reading it
Come on man!
You should read the other one he started this morning and never came back to.
Link please
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/comment/41830046#Comment_41830046
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PSH, my cousin lost a testicle due to a agressive form of cancer. For Christmas he got a UNI-ball pen, a single peanut shell and was told to not take his ball and go home. I once received a gift certificate good for one trip to Dr. Jack Kavorkians (sp) weight loss clinic.0
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To the OP. One way or another you’re a son of a *kitten*. If this is a real situation, your mother is a *kitten* for speaking to your wife like that. If this is BS trolling, then the focus of bitchdom shifts to you.0
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You should definitely say something to your mother about this verbal/mental/emotional abuse she's subjecting your wife to. I can say without any hesitation or doubt that if my mother-in-law ever had the audacity to say something like this to me, my husband would pull her aside and demand that she never, ever speak to me that way again, and the demand would be unequivocal; he would not be there to listen to her excuses or explanations. It doesn't matter that she's bullying (and that's precisely what this is) your wife out of "concern," nor should you justify it as such. Whatever explanation your mother has doesn't matter. What matters is that she's being an abusive bully to your wife, and she needs to stop. Period.
I agree with a poster above that you should have confronted your mother in the above fashion the first time this happened. And I also agree that your wife is likely not saying anything to your mother directly out of respect to you; I would feel the same way if I were in that position with my mother-in-law. I definitely understand that standing up to mothers can be difficult, but like others have said, you have a decision to make: support and respect your wife by telling your mother to stop this abusive, bullying, and disrespectful behavior, or be complicit in it by standing by and letting it happen. I sincerely hope the right choice here is obvious.
My heart breaks for your wife, and I really hope you do something to address this sooner rather than later. I can only imagine how much better she would feel knowing she has you in her corner.0 -
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Are you in India by chance? That would make slapping them both down more acceptable, but still a good suggestion no matter the country.1
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There is absolutely no way I would allow my family to speak to my wife that way. I would suspend all communications with that family member until they apologized for treating my spose so poorly. I understand you don't want to be in the middle of you mother and your wife but that is you job now, you have to stand up for your wife. You chose this person as your partner, you need to show that you're willing to protect and stand by your partner above all else. I would be absolutely heartbroken if my spouse allowed someone to speak to me in that manner, I'm so sad for your wife that she felt so helpless in her own home that she had to physically leave.0
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well I think you should defend your wife the minute your mom opens her mouth - on the spot - in front of your wife.0
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Tell your mom she was a *kitten*, has repeatedly been nasty and needs to apologize and never treat your wife disrespectfully again. Tell your wife thst you were wrong not to speak up when someone was mean to her and she doesn't have to put up with that *kitten*. If your mom doesn't apologize to your wife and change her ways then tell your mom she is not welcome in your lives.
Then you follow through.0 -
I'm so glad my mother was so good to my wife.
But, if she hadn't been, as much as I loved her, I would have asked her to stop and, if she hadn't, I would have excised my mom from our life.
I allow no one to be rude to my wife. It's one of the few ways you can anger me.2 -
I really think it's awful that he makes his wife work outside the home rather than support her as he should so she can focus on cooking and calorie counting.
His mother was probably a kept woman who focused on hearth and home while her husband earned for them both.
It's likely that she secretly doesn't respect her daughter in law for allowing her husband to put her out there to labor as a beast of burden. So her disdain slips out as criticism and fat insults.
I wish this man would come back so we could discuss it on this level.
Wow, that's a really interesting perspective on the situation.
I was still kind of childishly chuckling at the mother's 'sick burn.' Terrible to make someone feel that way, though.1 -
I really think it's awful that he makes his wife work outside the home rather than support her as he should so she can focus on cooking and calorie counting.
His mother was probably a kept woman who focused on hearth and home while her husband earned for them both.
It's likely that she secretly doesn't respect her daughter in law for allowing her husband to put her out there to labor as a beast of burden. So her disdain slips out as criticism and fat insults.
I wish this man would come back so we could discuss it on this level.
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OP abandoned ship.
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This discussion has been closed.
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