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HPNat

Hello everyone!
I really need some advice because I don't know how to deal with this anymore.
I am 21 years old, 162 cm and 54 kg. Until I was 16, I barely ate and I used to be very underweight. Then, with the help of doctors, I reached a healthy weight.
I have a 22 year old sister, and she's now very underweight. I was always smaller than her, but when she turned 18 she started losing a lot of weight and now she looks extremely small. People think she's 12.
Now, my family is acting like I'm huge (which comes from comparing me to her, I guess). First of all, it bothers me that they would make these comments given my past. And makes me wonder why they're so obsessed over how we look. Pretty much everyone in my family is overweight (including cousins our age), my sister and I are the only ones that aren't. And yet, we're the only ones constantly receiving comments on our weights (yes, they tell her she needs to gain but they don't really want that, they just feel like they have to say it).
My friends use the words "skinny" and "cute" to describe me. Not "normal", but "skinny". Meanwhile, my parents have used the word "fat" to describe me. I'm more inclined to believe my family. I've showed them it bothers me, so now they changed it to "strong" (lol). As you can imagine, I don't know what to think anymore. Every time they say she looks thin, it hurts (and they know it hurts me). Everyday they tell her she's beautiful, right in front of me. They seem to not even believe in the possibility that a guy would like me, because I'm so disgusting. If I told them I had a boyfriend they would think I was lying probably.
I know this isn't a "real" problem, and I sometimes feel stupid for caring this much. But I can't help how I feel. Especially because for years my sister resented me for having all the attention (when my parents were proud of how I looked). And I don't want to feel that way about her. I don't even want to go out with her because I feel like everyone thinks I'm fat and ugly next to her.

This post is a mess, but my question is: how do I stop caring? This is making me alternate between periods of starving and binging. I can also add that the answer isn't to tell my family it bothers me, because they already know that. They can't control themselves.

(Note: my sister doesn't keep this weight because she thinks she's fat - she's always bringing up how skinny and small she is, but because she knows it's the way to make my parents proud)

Replies

Villypierr

Hello, I don't have a speciality in phycological matters but my experience from the territory I come from tells me to advise you this:

We don't select our family in this world. You are a different person from everyone you know (we all are) whatever anyone thinks about you is only HIS opinion and NOTHING more, it doesn't mean he is right. Think what you need for your self and do that. Make choices that are good for you and your health and don't expect anyone to be happy for those choices cause people needs are different in this life, don't have expectations from anyone around you, only from your self. Beleive in your self, judgement is a part of our lives, the only thing you have to do is filter those words and understand that as I said its only an opinion, parents and relatives usually try to convince you that they are right, but the problem is that knowledge is something they luck for. Learn, educate yourself, read, ask, and NEVER believe that you are inferior to another.
Stay positive no matter what!!

100_PROOF_

I'd move out if this bothers you so much. Maybe start looking for an apartment of your own.

HPNat

Villypierr wrote: »

Hello, I don't have a speciality in phycological matters but my experience from the territory I come from tells me to advise you this:

We don't select our family in this world. You are a different person from everyone you know (we all are) whatever anyone thinks about you is only HIS opinion and NOTHING more, it doesn't mean he is right. Think what you need for your self and do that. Make choices that are good for you and your health and don't expect anyone to be happy for those choices cause people needs are different in this life, don't have expectations from anyone around you, only from your self. Beleive in your self, judgement is a part of our lives, the only thing you have to do is filter those words and understand that as I said its only an opinion, parents and relatives usually try to convince you that they are right, but the problem is that knowledge is something they luck for. Learn, educate yourself, read, ask, and NEVER believe that you are inferior to another.
Stay positive no matter what!!

I guess I do feel like I have to live up to what they expect of me, but at the end of the day I have to find a way to be more confident. Thank you!

HPNat

100_PROOF_ wrote: »

I'd move out if this bothers you so much. Maybe start looking for an apartment of your own.

I'm in university, but I come home every weekend. It's worse on the holidays. But even if I move out, I'll still see them every week. I do plan on moving out as soon as I start working.

TavistockToad

HPNat wrote: »

100_PROOF_ wrote: »

I'd move out if this bothers you so much. Maybe start looking for an apartment of your own.

I'm in university, but I come home every weekend. It's worse on the holidays. But even if I move out, I'll still see them every week. I do plan on moving out as soon as I start working.

Why would you keep seeing them every week if they upset you every time?

100_PROOF_

HPNat wrote: »

100_PROOF_ wrote: »

I'd move out if this bothers you so much. Maybe start looking for an apartment of your own.

I'm in university, but I come home every weekend. It's worse on the holidays. But even if I move out, I'll still see them every week. I do plan on moving out as soon as I start working.

Good idea.
It might help Once you are away from them more.

HPNat

TavistockToad wrote: »

HPNat wrote: »

100_PROOF_ wrote: »

I'd move out if this bothers you so much. Maybe start looking for an apartment of your own.

I'm in university, but I come home every weekend. It's worse on the holidays. But even if I move out, I'll still see them every week. I do plan on moving out as soon as I start working.

Why would you keep seeing them every week if they upset you every time?

Because it's still family, and I know they love me despite everything

irandreescu

I don't have an answer for your dilemma, as I'm currently in a similar one myself. I grew up in a family obsessed with appearances, including body, and on top of that my mother is overweight. 16 years of my life all I learned is that fat is bad, and I cannot follow my mother's steps. I don't think I ever judged her, but I was taught to not become her. Fast forward several years, I ended up studying in another country. Due to depression and "freedom" /bad eating habits I ended up piling the pounds. Nowadays I dread returning home and visiting my family because I know what I'll hear from them and how I'm going to be judged - so much so that I do not visit home more than once per year.

All I can say for sure, is that I am not only far from judging my mother, I think she's a freaking hero for staying sane within that family and remaining the social butterfly that she is!

scribblemoma

As a Mom this makes me so incredibly sad =( My daughter means so much more to me than the way she looks. I struggled with anorexia for many years and although I’m in such a better place now I know how raw those feelings of being “perfect” can be. You are SO much more than your appearance and your value as a human being isn’t dependent on someone else’s definition of pretty or thin. Please keep moving forward despite the comments and keep that chin up. I would strongly advise you be absolutely blunt with your family in letting them know that although you know they love you...those comments make it impossible for you to love yourself. I’m wishing you the very best.

FitGamerSmoak

HPNat wrote: »

TavistockToad wrote: »

HPNat wrote: »

100_PROOF_ wrote: »

I'd move out if this bothers you so much. Maybe start looking for an apartment of your own.

I'm in university, but I come home every weekend. It's worse on the holidays. But even if I move out, I'll still see them every week. I do plan on moving out as soon as I start working.

Why would you keep seeing them every week if they upset you every time?

Because it's still family, and I know they love me despite everything

I have to say you’re young, but I’ve been there and I’ve cut my family off for being inconsiderate and making me feel bad. They might love you but their idea of love is toxic to yours and your sisters health. I have to agree with Tavistock that maybe taking a break from them might help. Just how you feel they love you, they will know you love you even if you don’t see them every week. You have to do what is best for your health...good luck

gearhead426hemi

It is a hard to give advise when it comes to mental and physical struggles. Everyone deals and copes with things in different ways. It is a tough decision to make but you really need to take a step back and anything in your life that is toxic whether it be people, social media, food, whatever, remove it. Best of luck for you and your sister.

gothchiq

I would let them know that them calling you fat is really messing with your head, especially since you objectively are not fat. If they won't show some courtesy, I would be spending much less time around them.

MsMaeFlowers

Cut them off until they realize you're serious. It's hard, but better for you not to have to listen to that junk if it's hurting your mental well being.

HPNat

irandreescu wrote: »

I don't have an answer for your dilemma, as I'm currently in a similar one myself. I grew up in a family obsessed with appearances, including body, and on top of that my mother is overweight. 16 years of my life all I learned is that fat is bad, and I cannot follow my mother's steps. I don't think I ever judged her, but I was taught to not become her. Fast forward several years, I ended up studying in another country. Due to depression and "freedom" /bad eating habits I ended up piling the pounds. Nowadays I dread returning home and visiting my family because I know what I'll hear from them and how I'm going to be judged - so much so that I do not visit home more than once per year.

All I can say for sure, is that I am not only far from judging my mother, I think she's a freaking hero for staying sane within that family and remaining the social butterfly that she is!

Wow. I guess we both need to learn to not take those opinions in. It really does suck to grow up surrounded by that. In my case, it wasn't such a big topic of discussion, until I stopped being underweight.
I know exactly what you're talking about. I see my family every weekend and I also dread it. Here at college no one makes me feel fat, quite the opposite. But as soon as I go home...boom, there it is. It's really sad that the ones who are supposed to show unconditional love don't. But hey, at least we got places like these where other people understand. And your mom has you!

HPNat

scribblemoma wrote: »

As a Mom this makes me so incredibly sad =( My daughter means so much more to me than the way she looks. I struggled with anorexia for many years and although I’m in such a better place now I know how raw those feelings of being “perfect” can be. You are SO much more than your appearance and your value as a human being isn’t dependent on someone else’s definition of pretty or thin. Please keep moving forward despite the comments and keep that chin up. I would strongly advise you be absolutely blunt with your family in letting them know that although you know they love you...those comments make it impossible for you to love yourself. I’m wishing you the very best.

I am so jealous of my friends who have supportive moms like you! Who feel like they can be who they want to be, without disappointing anyone. Thank you so much for your words. I don't know if I'll ever have that conversation with them, but I will try to remember that their opinions are just that, their opinions.

HPNat

craziedani wrote: »

HPNat wrote: »

TavistockToad wrote: »

HPNat wrote: »

100_PROOF_ wrote: »

I'd move out if this bothers you so much. Maybe start looking for an apartment of your own.

I'm in university, but I come home every weekend. It's worse on the holidays. But even if I move out, I'll still see them every week. I do plan on moving out as soon as I start working.

Why would you keep seeing them every week if they upset you every time?

Because it's still family, and I know they love me despite everything

I have to say you’re young, but I’ve been there and I’ve cut my family off for being inconsiderate and making me feel bad. They might love you but their idea of love is toxic to yours and your sisters health. I have to agree with Tavistock that maybe taking a break from them might help. Just how you feel they love you, they will know you love you even if you don’t see them every week. You have to do what is best for your health...good luck

I guess you're right. I do have to think of myself here, I know that. But I also feel like my sister and I are all they have, it's why it's so hard. Thank you!

HPNat

gearhead426hemi wrote: »

It is a hard to give advise when it comes to mental and physical struggles. Everyone deals and copes with things in different ways. It is a tough decision to make but you really need to take a step back and anything in your life that is toxic whether it be people, social media, food, whatever, remove it. Best of luck for you and your sister.

Yep, when what is toxic is family, it's not so easy to cut out. But at the end of the day, maybe I'm just making excuses. Thank you!

HPNat

MsMaeFlowers wrote: »

Cut them off until they realize you're serious. It's hard, but better for you not to have to listen to that junk if it's hurting your mental well being.

Once not too long ago when my father basically implied I was ugly, and then fat, I basically didn't speak in the house for 3 days. And they knew why. And pretended they didn't. It was easier to say I was acting like a moody teenager.