Is it wrong to feel no sympathy?
ayson9
Posts: 18 Member
This title sounds douche, I know. But here me out.
I have a friend, he isn’t obese but, for a person who is the same height as me, similar ethnicity and build type, I weigh around 160, he weighs at 190-200.
He always complains about his weight but does nothing to change it.
He would attempt to workout with me, and state that he’s gonna be on track and gonna stick to his diet.
I even laid out some tips and beginner tricks to assist in his diet and training.
But later he starts to not show up, not follow a diet and retreats back into his old ways.
I understand that there is ups and downs, but for him to attempt this “change my life” pattern and quit after roughly 7-8 times already.
I don’t tease, I don’t guilt trip, I tell him that if he wants to change, don’t let me guilt you into it, but change because you want to change for the better. I don’t nag or diss him about not showing up to the workouts that we had planned to do.
But I can no longer feel supportive or sympathize with his need to wanting to lose weight, but keeps quitting.
I’ve been his friend for over 10 years, and I know that this type of roller coaster he’s on isn’t gonna be best for him in the long run. Of course I’m in no position to judge or determine what’s best, but I’m just thinking in a realistic standpoint that self destructive patterns isn’t ideal for life longevity and quality.
Am I mean to no longer feeling sympathy or have the need to provide support?
Hope this doesn’t sound douche, I really don’t mean for this post to instigate that.
I have a friend, he isn’t obese but, for a person who is the same height as me, similar ethnicity and build type, I weigh around 160, he weighs at 190-200.
He always complains about his weight but does nothing to change it.
He would attempt to workout with me, and state that he’s gonna be on track and gonna stick to his diet.
I even laid out some tips and beginner tricks to assist in his diet and training.
But later he starts to not show up, not follow a diet and retreats back into his old ways.
I understand that there is ups and downs, but for him to attempt this “change my life” pattern and quit after roughly 7-8 times already.
I don’t tease, I don’t guilt trip, I tell him that if he wants to change, don’t let me guilt you into it, but change because you want to change for the better. I don’t nag or diss him about not showing up to the workouts that we had planned to do.
But I can no longer feel supportive or sympathize with his need to wanting to lose weight, but keeps quitting.
I’ve been his friend for over 10 years, and I know that this type of roller coaster he’s on isn’t gonna be best for him in the long run. Of course I’m in no position to judge or determine what’s best, but I’m just thinking in a realistic standpoint that self destructive patterns isn’t ideal for life longevity and quality.
Am I mean to no longer feeling sympathy or have the need to provide support?
Hope this doesn’t sound douche, I really don’t mean for this post to instigate that.
12
Replies
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I think you’re good man. As long as you support him no matter what then you are a great friend. The fact of the matter is, he will never change unless he truly wants it. You can’t force him to.6
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It was good of you to try and help him, but it is possible that there are circumstances in his life that he copes with via his current lifestyle?
What I mean is this... I do great at logging and tracking my food. I want to be and look a certain way... but when I am under extreme stress (work, home, financial, whatever), my comfort is food. My comfort is couch.
Sometimes, if that feels overwhelming - it totally overrides my desire to track my food and activity... and while I still WANT to look better and feel better... my energy (physical and emotional) to do what is needed is insufficient.
What @nergyflex said is right... he won't change unless he truly wants it... but that want needs to eclipse the need to continue as is for whatever reason.
people will only change when the pleasure of changing becomes too appealing to resist, or the pain of not changing becomes too difficult to handle.
Just keep being his friend. You don't need to sympathize, and you don't need to fix... just be there.15 -
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KickassAmazon76 wrote: »It was good of you to try and help him, but it is possible that there are circumstances in his life that he copes with via his current lifestyle?
What I mean is this... I do great at logging and tracking my food. I want to be and look a certain way... but when I am under extreme stress (work, home, financial, whatever), my comfort is food. My comfort is couch.
Sometimes, if that feels overwhelming - it totally overrides my desire to track my food and activity... and while I still WANT to look better and feel better... my energy (physical and emotional) to do what is needed is insufficient.
What @nergyflex said is right... he won't change unless he truly wants it... but that want needs to eclipse the need to continue as is for whatever reason.
people will only change when the pleasure of changing becomes too appealing to resist, or the pain of not changing becomes too difficult to handle.
Just keep being his friend. You don't need to sympathize, and you don't need to fix... just be there.
Exactly! She said it way better than I did!1 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »It was good of you to try and help him, but it is possible that there are circumstances in his life that he copes with via his current lifestyle?
What I mean is this... I do great at logging and tracking my food. I want to be and look a certain way... but when I am under extreme stress (work, home, financial, whatever), my comfort is food. My comfort is couch.
Sometimes, if that feels overwhelming - it totally overrides my desire to track my food and activity... and while I still WANT to look better and feel better... my energy (physical and emotional) to do what is needed is insufficient.
What @nergyflex said is right... he won't change unless he truly wants it... but that want needs to eclipse the need to continue as is for whatever reason.
people will only change when the pleasure of changing becomes too appealing to resist, or the pain of not changing becomes too difficult to handle.
Just keep being his friend. You don't need to sympathize, and you don't need to fix... just be there.
Exactly! She said it way better than I did!
only cuz I took 10x as many words to say it! :laugh:2 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »It was good of you to try and help him, but it is possible that there are circumstances in his life that he copes with via his current lifestyle?
What I mean is this... I do great at logging and tracking my food. I want to be and look a certain way... but when I am under extreme stress (work, home, financial, whatever), my comfort is food. My comfort is couch.
Sometimes, if that feels overwhelming - it totally overrides my desire to track my food and activity... and while I still WANT to look better and feel better... my energy (physical and emotional) to do what is needed is insufficient.
What @nergyflex said is right... he won't change unless he truly wants it... but that want needs to eclipse the need to continue as is for whatever reason.
people will only change when the pleasure of changing becomes too appealing to resist, or the pain of not changing becomes too difficult to handle.
Just keep being his friend. You don't need to sympathize, and you don't need to fix... just be there.
Exactly! She said it way better than I did!
only cuz I took 10x as many words to say it! :laugh:
That’s good though! Like the profile pic btw! Wonder Woman>>>1 -
It's ok to feel dead on the inside...you can not control everything, more so for other people. You have good intentions1
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"Not my circus, not my monkeys."15
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KickassAmazon76 wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »It was good of you to try and help him, but it is possible that there are circumstances in his life that he copes with via his current lifestyle?
What I mean is this... I do great at logging and tracking my food. I want to be and look a certain way... but when I am under extreme stress (work, home, financial, whatever), my comfort is food. My comfort is couch.
Sometimes, if that feels overwhelming - it totally overrides my desire to track my food and activity... and while I still WANT to look better and feel better... my energy (physical and emotional) to do what is needed is insufficient.
What @nergyflex said is right... he won't change unless he truly wants it... but that want needs to eclipse the need to continue as is for whatever reason.
people will only change when the pleasure of changing becomes too appealing to resist, or the pain of not changing becomes too difficult to handle.
Just keep being his friend. You don't need to sympathize, and you don't need to fix... just be there.
Exactly! She said it way better than I did!
only cuz I took 10x as many words to say it! :laugh:
That’s good though! Like the profile pic btw! Wonder Woman>>>
Thank you! I think it may be one of my favs!1 -
Well he isn't you. He doesn't need your help to lose weight nor does he need exercise. He needs a very easy path to get from point a to b when he is ready to try again. Comparing himself to you and trying to do what you do is obviously a path of failure for him.
Next time he is ready point him towards MFP and if he needs any help he can ask this forum.
Beyond that just be his friend like you always have.3 -
I've been where you are with a friend. It is hard to see someone else either staying in bad shape or even destroying themselves by overeating like a friend of mine is doing, especially when you know there's a proven formula for getting away from that.1
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I think that you can still have compassion for his situation. It must be hard to be overweight, to not know how to get himself into a successful position or to not be able to get himself into a successful position. But you can reduce your involvement in his choices. He will let you know when and if he needs help and if he asks you for it you can know that maybe those 10 failures helped him figure out how to succeed the final time. It's like quitting smoking. Everyone tries and fails until they quit trying or they figure it out. If you like him and care for him you can maintain compassion for him. But your feelings of frustration are yours. He doesn't owe it to you to succeed, and knowing him for 10 years and observing his behavior should have reigned in your expectations. Maybe maintain compassion and optomism, lower your expectations and let him have his own experience. He doesn't need sympathy but maybe compassion that he is part of the millions of overweight people in the world who are fighting the same issues. And let yourself off the hook for feeling frustrated. It happens. But every friendship has it's issues. Maybe he wishes you would quit changing your major and stop wasting time with a degree that won't help your future. He sees the future yawning ahead of you with financial insecurity and family resentment! He doesn't get to change that or when you date someone he knows is bad for you! This is no different in a way. If you kept crying to him about how no one wanted your degree in aquatic bird calls, you would expect him to cheer you and help you and be supportive, right? Would it be helpful for him to yell: I TOLD YOU WHEN WE WERE 20 NOT TO DO IT!
Tldr: this is someone you care about, and this is what long term friendship with a person looks like. Be compassionate but take yourself out of it when you don't have anything positive to give. Best of luck.1 -
Sounds like he hasn't had that "last straw" moment. I had it when I hit size 42 pants--something clicked and then had determination I never had before. It's different for everyone. It might help him to peruse the conversation threads here to see all the similar struggles folks have and the advice they are getting. Part of frustration is having unrealistic expectations. If he learned more about what it takes to reduce and/or get in shape he might not get frustrated and quit so easily. Accept him as is, ignore his complaints, provide information.3
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I think your best bet for not feeling like you have to help fix this is when he complains simply say “and what do you plan to do about it?” Simple, kind, a reminder that he has to do tha work0
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It's not your body so it's not your problem. He clearly isn't ready to change. He'll do it when and if he's ready.0
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Well you are not being a douche at all. He hasn't been ready yet and it may or may not ever happen.
If I were you, the next time he makes a comment just say something like "When you are ready to fix this let me know so I can help." After that invest no more of your time (thoughts) on this. You need to worry about you and he will know where to find you when he is ready to change.1 -
Just like the old saying goes...you can lead a horse to the water but you can't make him drink. Case in point. He will have to find the will power himself. Don't feel bad about it.2
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I think many of us can relate to having a friend like that... he has to want it badly enough to make the necessary changes, but in the meantime you can keep encouraging him.1
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All you can do is support your friend and hope he wants to turn his lifestyle around for the good and healthy. My family and several friends are all obese and I never ask them to lose weight or even suggest anything to them b/c they've never asked, but I am with you I don't feel sorry for them either. They are CHOOSING this lifestyle and I certainly can't change that for them.
Just provide support and encouragement and know that you are a good friend for doing that. You can't change someone else, and it sounds like you already know that.1 -
Always show sympathy and compassion.
Sounds like that is what you are doing already. Keep up the good work, you are obviously a great friend.1 -
In this sphere of life, it sounds like you're his friend but he's not your friend.
If he's your friend in other life areas, then by all means, continue the friendship. If he's that much of a drain in the rest of life, just ease back out of his life.2 -
Improving yourself is one of the most difficult tasks one can hope to accomplish. Improving others is impossible.
The best we can hope for is to inspire others. There's no guilt or shame in this. Be supportive, be encouraging, but don't allow these people to bring you down to their level as that is what they want.
Weight, like everything in life, is an output of behavior.2 -
Ayson9, you are not a douche. Far from it. You tried to encourage and support your friend to make a positive change in their life. THEY reached out to YOU, and you were there for them. You tried your best to help your friend, but you cannot do all the work for them. That's something they have to do. You know the saying "you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make him drink"? Well, that's exactly what it is. You can teach someone everything you know about weight loss, but they are the ones who have to make the effort. You did your part, now they have to do theirs.
I know how you feel- I have a friend who is the same way. She's my age (mid thirties), a bit shorter than me, but definitely needs to lose weight, especially now that she's on high blood pressure medication. She keeps telling me "Oh Kim, you look so great! I want to lose weight." And like your friend, my friend keeps trying and then falling back into old habits. It's sad, but those are the choices she makes.
As hard as it is to watch, you cannot force someone to do something even if for their own benefit. All you can do is pray for them, hope for the best, and be there for them when they keep coming back. One of these days, when they are truly ready, they will make a change. Of course we all hope it's sooner rather than later before something serious happens, but sometimes you need something traumatic to happen that will shake you out of your complacency and wake up to the truth. That's what happened to me: people tried to warn me over and over about my obesity, but it wasn't until I went up TWO sizes of pants in a couple of months that the horrible truth hit me.
I will say a prayer for your friend.0 -
One must want to change a long time before they seriously commit to change. Often they fail and begin the cycle over. Sometimes they succeed.0
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This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I tell everyone friends, family co-workers everyone, I HATE people who complain about things that the only person who can change it is them. This pertains to everything in life. If you don't like your job, quit. Don't want to be over weight, diet. Want to be stronger and more fit, workout. People waste more time and energy looking for excuses not to do something rather than just finding one reason to do something. Eating right and living a healthy lifestyle takes sacrifice, drive and focus. If being in perfect health and fit was easy everyone would be and obesity wouldn't be such an epidemic. Good for you for being supportive and not judging but they either want it or don't.
" You can take a horse to water but cant make it drink"
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Anyone who is overweight hates it and wants to change. Also, those of us losing weight or have lost the weight, we get judgmental..because we just want to shake sense into the people we care about who are killing themselves with food! So - they want to change.. we want them to change... but they just aren't ready, and you can't help that.
I vote you tell your buddy.. .'hey .. you keep trying and that's what matters. A time will come when you decide you're ready for the change. It is up to you, you're my friend no matter what.
Don't lose a friend of years over weight issues.3 -
I am loving all the responses and input guys. Thank you so much. Overall, yes, I can only just be there. Be supportive, no matter what and when he’s ready to make a change, I’ll be there willing to help with that.2
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There are a lot of factors that could be at play for your friend. He might be having undiagnosed health issues unrelated to weight. So be empathetic. Working in the healthcare field really opens your eyes up and people that are overweight and can’t seem to get out of the rut usually have other health issues going on whether diagnosed or undiagnosed.
A little compassion can go a long way0 -
Weight loss and fitness like everything else in life is PERSONAL. He needs to be affronted by his own lack of fitness/fitness aesthetics to MAKE IT PERSONAL enough to commit to healthier lifestyle habits, for HIMSELF, not YOU.
Sweet of you to care enough to attempt being supportive.
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There is a 50 year old woman at my work who says she is trying her hardest while downing a big bowl of noodles and fried tofu. I don't say anything to her but.........yeah I get how you feel!0
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