Back again, and planning to keep with it.

I joined My Fitness Pal in 2014. I hemmed and hawed for several years, going through spurts of fitness, and reached my biggest loss of 20lbs in August of 2015. For whatever reason, after the most exhilarating and wonderful hike of my life in Vernal Falls of Yosemite, I stopped weighing my food, I stopped tracking, I stopped exercising, and I started gaining.

I got married in 2016, and lost 15lbs for that, but quickly gained it back - and shortly after I became pregnant with my son.

I've been the same weight for most of my adult life. From 13 to 26, I weighed 192-194lbs, steady and true. I had a shape to my body, and though I was often tired and not at all in shape, I look back on those days with fondness. I wish I could say I still was 194lbs (which is sad in itself).

My son changed my life for the better, but unfortunately my pregnancy also changed my body for the worse.

I didn't gain a single pound in pregnancy. Not one. I gave birth at 193lbs, and carried him beautifully. Tight, round tummy, and I felt great, at least until the last two weeks. After I gave birth, I lost weight quickly (typical, of course) and by the end of the first week after his birth, I was 172lbs. My lowest adult weight. I attribute it to better eating during pregnancy than pre-pregnancy, and to breastfeeding. Unfortunately, I could not keep up with my son's appetite and after trying painfully hard for a month, I finally gave up breastfeeding and put my son on the bottle.

That is when everything went wrong.

I became depressed, I stopped burning calories by breastfeeding but kept the same post-pregnancy ravenous appetite, and I fell into old eating habits. In no time, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I avoided the scale, and ignored the gradual incline of weight gain, and focused my energy on trying to be a good mother.

My son is now 16 months old.
I just caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the television, and I cried.
And I cried, and I cried.

I haven't weighed myself in some time, but my last number was 212. I know I'm at least ten pounds above that now.

I am no longer overweight.
I am obese.

And I need to change it. For me, and for him.
He's so beautiful and slender and athletic and healthy.

I don't want him to see my bad habits, and the bad habits of his father, and fall into the same pattern we have.

I need support, and I need friendship. I need like minds that are fighting to reclaim their bodies, too, without fad diets, without difficult and restrictive eating. I need a community of people eating right, eating less, and moving more.

Advice, support, anything is very appreciated.
Thank you, all.